Submission for a class - The Mesmer's Song

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Psy Zombie, Oct 6, 2010.

  1. Right. So.

    Orson Scott Card, the guy who wrote the Ender's Game series among many other books, is teaching a class here at my university.

    I want to get into said class.

    Said class requires an application, including the submission of the first five hundred words of a short story for Mr. Card to review, and he will apparently select the students who get into his class based on these submissions.


    I only have one short story at the moment that I'd feel even remotely comfortable turning in. Constructive criticism badly needed. (Among other things, like, idk, sleep, god classes are killing me...)

    So. Yeah. Have at it.

  2. Um, I like it but as also thinking that ... okay dont hate me but here is what I was chewing on. I just threw in some words to give it some bite. I love words.

    She remembered (violent-savage-painful)the screaming.

    Horses (frothing at the mouth snorting with contored expressions as they packed the sodded earth.

    Maybe use the word petite or mouse like (like a church mouse in the pantry)

    Can you add more to the 'She remembered screaming parts' or does it have to be just those words? Cuz I was thinking of adding like blood stained snow, ragged breathing, racing hearts, cold hands, freezing air things like that to make you feel like the reader is right there with her. Being yanked out into the cold and maybe going to be raped or killed.

    Oh and the king he sounds like a monster. Can you add more to him too? Like something about his eyes or his stance. Something to make him even more bastard like. Like thick fingers or calused hands. Scheming eyes or faulse hearted tone. Anyway.. those are just my thoughts. I love details and words. Oh words.. I swoon. anyway hope this helps if not Im sorry. Just dont hit me. *offers cookies* and leaves.