( God, I seem to be posting here a lot. I'm sorry everyone! ) I have severe social anxiety. To the point I don't even leave my house unless my mom takes me somewhere. And I'm okay at places like the library, especially when I don't have to speak to someone. But if I have to talk to someone, or ask a question, or if there's too many people around, I freak out. I don't outwardly freak out. But inside, my heart is pounding, and I'm scared. I'm so scared of saying or doing the wrong thing. Or acting fake, and stiff, or just basically anything. And my family, well, everyone, thinks I'm making this up. They say it's an excuse to not go do things like get a job or go to college. But, believe me, I'd LOVE to get a job, go to college, have friends. I can't though. I'm scared, and it makes me ill to think about it. My mom kicked my boyfriend out the other day, because he hasn't got a job. And now she's on my case again. And I know I need a job- I know I need to do something. But I'm terrified. And I have no GED yet, even. I don't feel like anything, I feel worse than nothing. My family is all so disappointed in me, and I feel like everyone looks down on me and just hates me. And on top of all this, my dog was put down on Valentine's day- so my mom is sad about that, and I am too. But I don't like to reach out, because it's awkward for me, so I wait till' everyone is sleeping, and then I cry about it. Or, I go in the bedroom and cry about it. I'm just not what my family thought I was going to be. I've grown up to be a failure, and a waste of space. I've been suicidal before, I used to cut, as you all probably know. And I've attempted suicide. But lately, I'm too depressed to even do that. I just feel like laying in bed all day. I know I've posted these topics before, but I just can't seem to get over any of this. I feel sick and tired, and I just want my life to stop. I feel like this a lot of the time, and then I have my good moments, and I want to live. I have a surgery coming up, and I don't even want to do that sometimes, like, I'll just think "let this kill me instead". It's gotten pretty bad, but I don't tell anyone in my family, because they'd just put me down more. And no one really takes it seriously. I don't even take it seriously. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't have any energy to draw or anything. I can't even see my counselor either, because I'd have to leave the house for that. I just ... idk. sorry for spamming with the emo, guys.