Silent Matrix

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Asmodeus, Feb 18, 2011.

  1. Heather’s bedroom. Heather lies asleep at her computer. Blood starts to trickle down the computer screen and form into words.

    “Wake up Heather”

    Heather opens her eyes.

    HEATHER: What?

    “The Order has you.”

    HEATHER: What the hell?

    She tries to exit the screen, but the keyboard does not respond.

    “Follow the write rabbit.”

    HEATHER: Follow the white rabbit?

    “Knock knock, Heather”

    There is a knock on the door. Heather jumps.

    HEATHER: Who is it?

    There is another knock. Heather goes to the door. She opens it to see a giant white rabbit with blood around its mouth.

    HEATHER: What is it now Robbie?

    ROBBIE THE RABBIT: Wanna go clubbing?

    HEATHER: …. Yeah…..okay.

    ______________________________________________________________

    Later on, Heather is at the club, watching Robbie going through a very complicated breakdancing routine on the dancefloor. Douglas walks up behind her.

    DOUGLAS: Hello Cheryl.

    HEATHER: How do you know that name?

    DOUGLAS: I know a lot of things. I am Douglas, the famous private detective.

    HEATHER: Douglas the Detective. Jesus! I always thought you were a girl.

    DOUGLAS: Most girls do.

    Pause.

    DOUGLAS: I don’t know why, since "Douglas" is clearly a man’s name.

    HEATHER: Yeah, go figure.

    DOUGLAS: Anyway, there’s someone who wants to meet you.

    HEATHER: I’m not interested Doug.

    DOUGLAS: Wait, just let me lean over your shoulder in a sexy way and say a lot of cryptic things that you don’t yet understand.

    HEATHER: No! Piss off!

    Heather starts to leave. Douglas hurries after her.

    DOUGLAS: No, wait! We haven’t built enough dramatic tension!

    Robbie the Rabbit steps in his way.

    ROBBIE THE RABBIT: The lady said “No”!

    He punches Douglas in the face and knocks him to the ground. Douglas clutches his broken nose and shouts after Heather.

    DOUGLAS: It’s not safe, Heather! They’re coming for you!

    HEATHER: Wierdo!

    She exits the club into a dark alleyway and starts to head for home. Suddenly something bursts out of the shadows and knocks her unconscious with one blow.

    ______________________________________________________________


    Later on, Heather wakes up in an interrogation room. Sitting opposite her is Pyramid Head, who is thumbing through a large case file containing pictures and documents about Heather.

    PH: As you can see, Miss Mason, we have had our eye on you for some time now.

    Heather does not respond, but stares at the metal pyramid on his head and wonders whether the duck-bill look really is the best choice.

    PH: It’s seems you have been leading….two lives. In one life you are Heather Mason, an everyday girl with a loving father who reads magazines and likes to shop at the mall.

    Pause.

    In the other life, you are Alessa Gillespie, a twisted heroine with supernatural powers who is playing host to God and once had her soul split in two following a series of abuse, torture and mistreatment at the hands of a fanatical religious cult.

    Pause.

    One of these lives has a future. The other does not.

    Pause.

    Now, I am willing to wipe the slate clean – to remove all trace of your mistreated past and extract from your body the embryonic deity that is dwelling within you. All that I ask in return is that you cooperate in helping me to bring a guilty man to justice.

    HEATHER: A guilty man? Who?

    PH: His name is….James Sunderland. Considered by many people to be the most irritating man alive.

    HEATHER: Why do want him?

    Pyramid Head shifts uncomfortably in his seat.

    PH: He….he…embarrassed me.

    HEATHER: Embarrassed you?

    PH: Yes, he defeated me by running around the room in a big circle and shooting me repeatedly with a primitive shotgun. I was out of shape at the time you see, and my skirt was obstructing my legs, so I couldn’t keep up with him.

    HEATHER: You were wearing a skirt?

    PH: Don’t change the subject! He kept running away from me and taking those health drinks. Friendly bacteria my arse! Anyway, I got so pissed off that I impaled my head on a big spear just to relieve my suffering.

    Pause.

    PH: And he stole my knife……..and my little nut.

    HEATHER: That sucks.

    PH: Yes it does. So anyway, what do you say? Will you help me to find him?

    Heather thinks it over for a while and then nods her head.

    HEATHER: Well, that sounds like a really good deal. But how about this: I give you the finger….

    She gives Pyramid Head the finger.

    HEATHER: …..And you give me my phonecall.

    PH: (sighs) You disappoint me, Miss Mason.

    HEATHER: I know my rights! You can’t scare me with this Divine Punisher bullshit. I want my phone call!

    PH: Tell me, Miss Mason, what good is a phone call…..if you are unable to speak…..?

    ______________________________________________________________


    Later on, Heather picks up the phone and dials home.

    HEATHER: Dad? Hi, it’s me. Listen, I….

    PH: (yells into the receiver) Blah blah blah!!

    HEATHER: Cut it out! Dad? I’m at the police station and….

    PH: Blah blah blah!!!

    HEATHER: Dad, I need you to….

    PH: ‘I’m Heather and I smell!!!’

    HEATHER: Fuck off!! Dad? Dad? Can you hear me?

    PH: ‘I’m too much of a girl to put my hand down toilets!’

    HEATHER: Dad???

    She runs out of time on the phone. She slams down the receiver.

    HEATHER: Shit! You’re a real jerk, y’know that?!

    PH: I told you the phonecall would be useless!

    HEATHER: Fuck you, I’m going home.

    ______________________________________________________________


    Later on, Heather is sat at home with her dad, eating some beef jerky for supper.

    HEATHER: Anyway, he was pissed off with this James guy cos of the way he lost a fight to him or something.

    HARRY: (nostalgically) Ah, the old circle-round-the-room-with-a-shotgun tactic. That’s how I defeated the Incubus, y’know.

    HEATHER: What?

    HARRY: Oh…..nothing.

    HEATHER: So, I told the guy to shove his spear up his arse, and then I left. But all that stuff he was saying about this Alessa Gillespie – it sounded kinda familiar.

    Suddenly, the old radio on the kitchen sideboard starts to crackle.

    HARRY: Huh, radio? What’s up with…

    Heather slaps Harry across the face

    HEATHER: I’ve told you before, Dad. That line really pisses me off!

    HARRY: Sorry

    Heather gets up and goes over to the radio. When she picks it up a voice starts to come through.

    CLAUDIA: He got to you first, Alessa, but there is still time. Do you still want to meet?

    HEATHER: Yes.

    CLAUDIA: Good. Then go to the old bridge around the corner. You will be picked up there.

    The radio fades to static. Heather puts it down.

    HEATHER: Er..Dad, I’m gonna go out for a while, okay?

    HARRY: Wait a minute! No daughter of mine is going to get picked up by some strangers just because a possessed radio tells her to.

    HEATHER: But Dad……it was a woman.

    HARRY: Oh….well that’s fine. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life it’s that you can always trust women. They’ll never lead you astray. You run along dear – I’ll put your jerky in the microwave.

    HEATHER: Thanks Dad.

    HARRY: Oh and Heather? Are you still wearing the medallion?

    HEATHER: What, this freaky amulet with the crystallized red stuff inside? Yeah, I’m still wearing it.

    HARRY: Good.

    Pause.

    HEATHER: Are you ever gonna tell me what it is?

    HARRY: All you need to know is that one day it will save your life.

    HEATHER: Well, in that case you need to tell me how to use it!

    HARRY: Ah, it’s alright – you’ll figure it out.

    HEATHER: But Dad!

    HARRY: There’s a difference between knowing the path and walking the path, now fuck off!

    Heather shakes her head and leaves the apartment. After she is gone Harry picks up the phone and dials. Finally someone on the other end picks up.

    HARRY: Er…hi! Oh, it’s Mrs Bennet again isn’t it? Is Cybil in? I…..oh…..she’s still busy? Oh, okay. Well….can you tell her I called. Yeah, thanks. Bye.

    ______________________________________________________________


    Later on, Heather waits underneath a bridge on a rainy night. Eventually a car pulls up. The back door opens to reveal a familiar face.

    DOUGLAS: Get in.

    Heather get’s into the car and it pulls away. As it moves along she looks suspiciously at the driver.

    HEATHER: Who’s he?

    DOUGLAS: His name’s Missionary, but that’s not important right now. Take off your shirt.

    HEATHER: What?

    DOUGLAS: Stop the car!

    Missionary slams on the brakes and the car comes to a halt.

    DOUGLAS: Look Heather, we don’t have time to play these games. It’s either my way or the highway.

    HEATHER: Okay….fine.

    She takes off her shirt and the car moves on.

    HEATHER: What, do you think I’m bugged or something?

    DOUGLAS: Eh?

    ______________________________________________________________


    The car pulls up at a tall tower block. Douglas leads Heather up a long flight of stairs and then halts outside a room.

    DOUGLAS: A word of advice. Be honest. She claims to know more than you can possibly imagine.

    HEATHER: Right.

    Douglas opens the door and Heather steps through. At the end of the room, standing by two comfy red chairs, is Claudia, dressed in black.

    CLAUDIA: Hello, Alessa.

    HEATHER: Er…. hi.

    CLAUDIA: Please, sit down.

    Heather goes and sits down in one of the comfy chairs.

    CLAUDIA: Right now I expect you’re feeling a bit like Jacob, sleeping with two different wives and having visions of Macauly Culkin.

    HEATHER: Well, the second bit, yeah.

    Claudia sits down in front of her.

    CLAUDIA: And you have come here to ask a question. You know what that question is, don’t you Alessa?

    Pause.

    HEATHER: What is Silent Hill?

    CLAUDIA: Unfortunately, no one can be told what Silent Hill is.

    HEATHER: Why not.

    CLAUDIA: Because Team Silent like to torment their fans and leave them festering in their own faeces in the indeterminable labyrinths of speculation and over-analysis.

    HEATHER: I see.

    CLAUDIA: The only way to know what Silent Hill is, is to go there yourself.

    HEATHER: Oh right, do I take the freeway or …..

    CLAUDIA: No, it cannot be reached by road.

    HEATHER: Oh, what, because of the unexplained chasms?

    CLAUDIA: No, because the film crew do not like people using the roads.

    HEATHER: Ah.

    CLAUDIA: You must choose between these pills.

    HEATHER: Pills?

    Claudia smiles and holds out her hands.

    CLAUDIA: If you take the blue pill, the dream ends, you wake up and you live your life as Heather Mason, an ordinary girl. If you take the red pill, you stay with me and see how far the rabbit hole goes. If you take the green pill, you will wake up in a hospital bed and find that all of London is mysteriously deserted, unaware of the flesh-eating zombies that are soon to appear. If you take the yellow pill then you will dream that you have suffered horrendous facial injuries because that psycho-bitch Cameron Diaz has driven your car off the road, and then later your face will be miraculously healed but you will have nightmares that it hasn’t been healed and that it is all an elaborate virtual reality. And if you take the purple pill then you will wake up in a strange world full of gay people and unconvincing aliens and end up being boned by Bruce Willis after saving the world by using a big white light that comes out of your tits.

    Pause.

    HEATHER: You have a lot of hands.

    CLAUDIA: One of the perks of being the High Priestess.

    Heather scoops up all the pills in Claudia’s hands and swallows them.

    HEATHER: So what now?

    CLAUDIA: Now……we wait.

    ______________________________________________________________


    Four hours later, Heather and Claudia are sat in the comfy chairs staring at each other. There is silence.

    HEATHER: So…….

    Pause.

    HEATHER: I hear it’s snowy in Silent Hill at this time of year.

    CLAUDIA: Snow is God’s dandruff.

    Heather smiles and nods. Eventually the door opens and Missionary comes in, looking very sad.

    MISSIONARY: Duh….I park car by shop, but den I forget which shop I park car by, and now detective man angry. And I put squirrel in fuel tank and it run bad.

    CLAUDIA: Fool!

    HEATHER: Ugh! I think the pills are taking effect!

    Heather passes out.

    ______________________________________________________________


    Later, Heather wakes up, lying on a bed in a dark room. There are pins and strange devices stuck in her body. Claudia and Douglas are standing over her.

    HEATHER: What are you doing?

    CLAUDIA: We are strengthening your body, so that it may serve as a better host.

    HEATHER: Why do my eyes hurt?

    DOUGLAS: Ooh, sorry!

    Douglas removes the pins from Heather’s eyes. She passes out again.

    ______________________________________________________________


    Later, Heather wakes up on an altar with Claudia beside her.

    HEATHER: Claudia, where am I?

    CLAUDIA: You are in Silent Hill, Alessa. And this is my church, the Neverdissuadeher.

    Heather sits up and notices a variety of characters around her. Claudia begins introductions.

    CLAUDIA: Douglas you already know. That one there is Bubblehead Nurse.

    BUBBLEHEAD NURSE: Eiiirrgh!!

    HEATHER: Er, hi.

    CLAUDIA: And this is Demon Monkey

    DEMON MONKEY: Oohargh!

    HEATHER: Demon Monkey?

    CLAUDIA: The leggy one over there is Mannequin.

    HEATHER: Is she actually alive?

    CLAUDIA: The normal looking bloke with glasses is called Vincent.

    VINCENT: Hello Alessa. It is a pleasure to meet you.

    CLAUDIA: And the little one behind you is Mumbler.

    MUMBLER: Rowr rowr rowr!

    HEATHER: What the hell?

    CLAUDIA: Well, those are the introductions over with. Now you must get some rest, Alessa. Tomorrow we take you to see the Oracle.

    DOUGLAS: Goodnight Alessa. Try not to have any nightmares.

    Heather looks at Mannequin, Bubblehead Nurse, Demon Monkey and Mumbler.

    HEATHER: Yeah……sure…….

    ______________________________________________________________


    Later that night, in the Happy Burger Diner, Vincent sits eating a juicy plate of steak.

    VINCENT: So, we have a deal? I betray my friends and hand Claudia over to you; and in return you release a portion of Silent Hill from the grasp of evil and allow me to live a comfortable life there.

    Pyramid Head leans forward across the table.

    PH: And you are sure that this….Claudia….is the sister of James Sunderland, the man who shamefully embarrassed me with his superior fighting skills?

    VINCENT: Oh yes, Mr Head. The family connection is quite obvious once you look at the Silent Hill story line.

    PH: And you are sure she knows where my knife is?

    VINCENT: Why yes, she was talking about it the other day.

    PH: And you are sure that Mannequin and Bubblehead Nurse don’t already have boyfriends.

    VINCENT: Positive, Mr Head, positive.

    PH: Excellent.

    ______________________________________________________________


    The next day Heather, Claudia, Vincent, Mumbler, Bubblehead Nurse, Demon Monkey, Mannequin and Douglas walk along the street towards Brookhaven Hospital.

    HEATHER: So, if I die in Silent Hill, I die in real life?

    CLAUDIA: No. You just start again from a previous location.

    DOUGLAS: Unless you die in FMW. In which case anything can happen.

    BUBBLEHEAD NURSE: Eiirgh!!

    VINCENT: But of course, that doesn’t apply to you, being the Mother of God and everything.

    HEATHER: Eh?

    VINCENT: Well, in your case, you just get dragged off by Valtiel and fed into the endless cycle of death and rebirth.

    DEMON MONKEY: Oooharrgooh!

    HEATHER: Well, that doesn’t make sense. This place is fucked up!

    CLAUDIA: Do you think that’s air you’re breathing?

    HEATHER: What, this foggy white stuff? You’re saying it’s not air?

    CLAUDIA: No. Twenty years ago there was an explosion at one of the White Claudia drug factories. The powder has been falling ever since.

    HEATHER: Oh I see, so I’m just tripping?

    MUMBLER: Rowr rowr!

    HEATHER: But isn’t there a religious background to this whole thing?

    CLAUDIA: No, just drugs.

    HEATHER: But what about the whole sin and salvation theme?

    CLAUDIA: Drugs.

    HEATHER: Or the psychological undertone of…

    CLAUDIA: DRUGS!

    Pause.

    HEATHER: But I’m still the Mother of God, right?

    CLAUDIA: Oh yes.

    Pause.

    HEATHER: I’m confused.

    CLAUDIA: There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.

    HEATHER: You mean you can’t explain it yourself because there’s too many loopholes?

    Pause.

    CLAUDIA: Shut up!

    They come to a halt outside Brookhaven Hospital.

    CLAUDIA: Okay, we’ll wait here. You go in and see the Oracle.

    HEATHER: Okay. But remind me again why I’m seeing this guy, since we already know that I’m the Mother of G….

    CLAUDIA, VINCENT , MUMBLER, BUBBLEHEAD NURSE, DEMON MONKEY, MANNEQUIN, DOUGLAS: Drugs!!!!

    HEATHER: Okay, fine. I’m going.

    Heather starts walking towards the entrance to Brookhaven Hospital. She is about to enter when someone pushes past her.

    EDDIE: (mumbling to himself) All this for shooting a dog?

    HEATHER: Dick!

    She tries to enter again, but someone else pushes past her.

    ANGELA: Momma! Momma, are you in there?!!

    HEATHER: Fuck sake!

    She tries to enter again, but a whole group of people push past her.

    THELMA: I bet Shaggy and Scoobie went in here. C’mon, let’s find em!

    Heather stands there and frowns.

    HEATHER: Why is this hospital so goddam important!!

    She tries to enter again, but her path is blocked by a large guy in platemail armour.

    PALADIN: LFG BH

    HEATHER: Huh?

    PALADIN: LFG BH

    HEATHER: What are you talking about?

    PALADIN: Brookhaven Hospital – it’s a Level 60 instance. I need a Tank and a Healer. Are you in?

    HEATHER: Oh, sod off!

    She pushes past the Paladin and into Brookhaven Hospital. She enters a large waiting room full of young women.

    HEATHER: Er…hi everyone.

    MADONNA: Get in the queue, bitch!

    Heather sits down next to some other women.

    ALANIS MORISSETTE: Oh, don’t mind her – she just gets a little cranky sometimes. She’s been waiting here for thirty years, y’know.

    JOAN OF ARC: Meh! Big deal!

    HEATHER: Are you the other candidates?

    PARIS HILTON: We, like, prefer the term “potentials”, okay?

    CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: So, what’s your story?

    HEATHER: Er….I met this Claudia person. And she said I might be the Mother of God.

    ALANIS MORISSETTE: Oh yeah, that sounds familiar. Been living two lives, right?

    HEATHER: Yeah, that’s right.

    ALANIS MORISSETTE: Just like us. Joan there has gender issues, Paris slips in and out of reality, Catherine can’t remember what nationality she is, and Madonna still thinks she’s 18.

    HEATHER: I see. What about you?

    ALANIS MORISSETTE: Well, just look at me.

    Heather looks at Alanis Morissette and notices that she has one hand in her pocket and the other one giving a peace sign.

    HEATHER: Oh my God!

    ALANIS MORISSETTE: Yeah.

    Suddenly a horrible hunched-over zombie with flaking skin and the foul stench of death lumbers through the waiting room and emits a terrible moan of despair.

    HEATHER: Aaah!!

    CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: Michael! I told you to wait in the car!!

    The zombie moans again and then shambles out of the waiting room. As he leaves a loud voice sounds in the distance.

    VOICE: Heather Mason. Please come to the Doctor’s Office.

    MADONNA: What?! How come that skank gets to go first!!?

    ALANIS MORISSETTE: Ah spin on it, Madge! Go ahead Heather, and good luck.

    HEATHER: Thanks.

    Heather goes off to the Doctor’s Office. Madonna glares at Alanis Morissette.

    MADONNA: One of these days, bitch, I’m gonna steal your riffs and put them in an irritating disco song! And all the royalties will be mine!

    ALANIS MORISSETTE: Anyone got some aglophotis? There’s a parasite in the room!

    ______________________________________________________________


    Heather enters the Doctors Office. Sat behind a desk is Leonard Wolf.

    HEATHER: Hi, are you the Oracle?

    LEONARD: Bingo. Please, sit down.

    Heather goes to sit down.

    LEONARD: And don’t mind about the vase.

    HEATHER: What vase?

    Heather turns around and sees a giant vase stood in the corner with sharp teeth and floppy limbs.

    LEONARD: That vase.

    VASE: Raarhlwerr!!!

    HEATHER: …….kay.

    LEONARD: Yeah, he was gonna be in the lighthouse in SH1, but the design team couldn’t be asked, so they just put in that irritating spiral staircase.

    HEATHER: Yeah, Dad told me about that.

    She sits down. Leonard looks at her closely.

    LEONARD: So, what has Claudia told you?

    HEATHER: Er….well, she thinks I’m the Mother of God.

    LEONARD: Hmm. And what do you think?

    HEATHER: Well, I think that God is dead and that the traditional moral aspects of psycho-social history are a result of the slave mentality of the Jews, who developed a religion that championed the virtues of submission and frailty in order to subtly undermine the will to power of the Nietzschean master-race.

    Pause. Leonard looks at her.

    ______________________________________________________________


    Later on, Heather exits Brookhaven Hospital and finds Claudia and the gang waiting for her.

    CLAUDIA: So, what did Leonard say?

    HEATHER: Er……well…..he said I’m not the mother of God.

    DOUGLAS: Really?

    MUMBLER: Rowr rowr?

    CLAUDIA: Is that all? Did he say anything else?

    Heather coughs.

    HEATHER: Er….well….there were a few other things……but nothing really important.

    Pause.

    HEATHER: So anyway, what does this mean?

    Suddenly there is the sound of sirens in the distance, and the fog starts to be replaced by darkness.

    HEATHER: What’s going on?

    BUBBLEHEAD NURSE: Eiirgh!!

    CLAUDIA: Vincent, did you leave the sirens on again? Vincent….?

    They all turn to see Vincent standing there with a smile on his face. He is pointing a pistol at them.

    VINCENT: Sorry, Claudia. But the games are over now!

    He shoots Mumbler.

    HEATHER: Mumbler! NOOO!!!

    MUMBLER: Rowr rowr ....... rowr!!!!

    Mumbler dies.

    DOUGLAS: My God! Even on Beginner level you can’t kill Mumbler with one shot!

    VINCENT: This is no ordinary pistol, old man. The bullets are made of crystallised aglophitis. Mwha ha ha!!

    HEATHER: Wow, that’s a really cool idea for a weapon. Are they having that in the next SH game?

    VINCENT: Possibly. It’s still being discussed.

    HEATHER: If you need a new monster idea, there’s this really cool vase in…

    VINCENT: Shut up! I’ve had enough of your teenage whining!!

    CLAUDIA: Vincent? What do you think you’re doing?

    VINCENT: There’s someone who wants to see you Claudia.

    From out of the darkness behind Vincent, Pyramid Head appears.

    CLAUDIA: Pyramid Head!!!

    DEMON-MONKEY: Ooooharg!!!

    HEATHER: Oh great, it’s that twat again!

    VINCENT: Me and Mr Head here have a little agreement now.

    CLAUDIA: You treacherous dog!

    VINCENT: Don’t hate me, Claudia, I’m just helping a divine punisher find his big knife. Oh, and if you have anything important to say to Demon Monkey, say it now.

    HEATHER: DEMON MONKEY!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!

    Vincent shoots Demon Monkey.

    CLAUDIA: Attack my minions! Attack!

    Pyramid Head skewers Claudia in the leg with his spear.

    CLAUDIA: Aaaargh!!!

    HEATHER: Claudia! No!!

    Douglas holds Heather back.

    DOUGLAS: No Heather! We have to get out of here!!

    Pyramid Head grabs Mannequin and Bubblehead Nurse.

    BUBBLEHEAD NURSE: Eiirgh?

    PH: It’s rapeage time!!!!

    He starts that weird half-rape half-murder thing with Mannequin and Bubblehead Nurse.

    DOUGLAS: C’mon Heather! Let’s get out of here!

    HEATHER: Wait! I feel strangely compelled to watch this….

    CLAUDIA: Go Heather! Save yourself!!!

    HEATHER: But its so……..beautiful.

    DOUGLAS: Don’t look at it Heather! He’s not raping them, he’s killing them.

    CLAUDIA: Oh no, he’s definitely raping them.

    HEATHER: Nah, it’s looks like he’s trying to make them do something to each other.

    VINCENT: Shut up all of you! You’re not going anywhere!!!

    Suddenly a car skids down the street and ploughs into Vincent.

    VINCENT: Aaaaarrgh!!!!

    Pyramid Head drops the lifeless forms of Mannequin and Bubblehead Nurse and looks around.

    PH: What the hell?

    The car door opens and Missionary steps out.

    MISSIONARY: Duh, I find car. It by other shop and not shop I thought it by. And I take out squirrel and put kitten in fuel tank and it run good!

    CLAUDIA: It’s about time you showed up! Kill that pyramid headed thing! Now!

    Douglas pulls a shotgun out of his coat and tosses it to Missionary.

    DOUGLAS: Go Missionary! Use the tactics that we taught you!

    HEATHER: Run round in a circle and shoot him repeatedly.

    MISSIONARY: Duh…..okay.

    Missionary starts running round in a triangle.

    CLAUDIA: No you fool, that’s not a circle!

    Pyramid Head grabs Missionary and wrenches his head off with one twist.

    HEATHER: Missionary! Nooo!!

    PH: What a pointless creature.

    A larval stalker comes around the corner.

    LARVAL STALKER: Shut up dude! He was brilliant.

    PH: You can fuck off as well!

    Larval Stalker giggles, tries to run away, falls over and vanishes.

    CLAUDIA: Heather! Run!!!

    HEATHER: I’m not leaving you!!!

    CLAUDIA: Douglas! Get her out of here! She’s the only one that matters!

    Douglas grabs Heather and drags her away. Claudia is left alone with Pyramid Head.

    PH: You are mine now, Miss Sunderland.

    CLAUDIA: Miss who?

    PH: Don’t play games with me! You are going to tell me where your brother is!!!

    CLAUDIA: My brother? But he’s not supposed to show up till SH5!

    PH: Don’t be ridiculous! Everyone knows that it would be stupid to have another cult-related plot in SH5! No, I’m talking about James!!!

    CLAUDIA: Who the fuck is James?

    PH: Nice try!

    He drags Claudia off into the darkness.

    ______________________________________________________________


    Douglas and Heather arrive back at the church.

    HEATHER: Douglas, we have to get Claudia back.

    DOUGLAS: You heard what the Oracle said Heather. You’re not the Mother of God – you don’t have the power to defeat Pyramid Head.

    HEATHER: Claudia sacrificed herself for me, because of something she believed in. But now I believe in something too.

    DOUGLAS: What?

    HEATHER: I believe I can bring her back.

    DOUGLAS: You Gillespie chicks are fucked up, do you know that?

    HEATHER: I’m gonna need SH weapons. Lots of SH weapons.

    ______________________________________________________________


    On the other side of town, in the depths of the Lakeside Hotel, Pyramid Head stands waiting. Claudia is tied upside down to a metal frame.

    CLAUDIA: I told you, jackass, I don’t know who this James is!

    PH: Silence! Everything is prepared. I have sent the cryptic letter that will lure my enemy here, and every wall is covered in iron spikes, so that he cannot circle around me. This time I shall be victorious!

    CLAUDIA: So what, you’re gonna impale me in front of him and hope it pisses him off?

    PH: That is correct.

    CLAUDIA: You suck, you know that?

    PH: Better than your Mother of God bullshit plot!

    CLAUDIA: Hey, that’s quality story-telling pal!

    PH: Oh what, a strange religious cult? Yeah, that’s original!

    CLAUDIA: Screw you!

    PH: But how many horror monsters do you see with oversized pyramids on their heads? Answer me that!

    CLAUDIA: Well you’re the only one. Cos no other monster wants to look like a dork!

    PH: You take that back!

    CLAUDIA: Bite me!

    PH: I can’t.

    There is the sound of gunshots in the distance.

    PH: Now what?!

    ______________________________________________________________


    Over in the hotel lobby, Douglas and Heather do battle with a small army of Closer monsters.

    Heather throws a knife at one and then clobbers another with a steel pipe. She then draws out a mace and whacks a third Closer. Then, with a pistol and shotgun in her hands, she blows apart another two.

    Meanwhile, Douglas hacks one to death with a fire axe and renders another unconscious with a stun gun. He smacks a third one with a plank of wood and mows down the last three with a submachine gun.

    DOUGLAS: There, we’ve killed Pyramid Head’s minions. Let’s go.

    HEATHER: Wait a minute Douglas. These Closers aren’t dead.

    DOUGLAS: What are you talking about?

    HEATHER: We have to go round and kick them all to finish them off.

    DOUGLAS: What?

    HEATHER: It’s the only way to be sure.

    DOUGLAS: We have to kick the monsters? What the fuck is that all about?

    HEATHER: Well there’s a reference to it in the Bible.

    DOUGLAS: Really?

    HEATHER: Yeah, y’know, the part where Jesus kicks Satan after using the shotgun on him.

    DOUGLAS: Oh……well as long as there’s a symbolic motive to it all.

    They go around and kick all of the Closers. Then they enter the lift.

    DOUGLAS: Okay, Pyramid Head’s lair is on the fourth floor of the hotel. So……

    He looks at the lift button panel.

    DOUGLAS: What the fuck! There’s only three buttons!

    HEATHER: Oh yeah, its one of those lifts. You have to go to each of the three floors and wiggle the door handles. Then that will unlock the fourth floor.

    DOUGLAS: …….. that’s stupid!

    HEATHER: Don’t you remember when Jesus was trying to get into the Pharaoh’s pyramid and he had to….

    DOUGLAS: Oh whatever! Let’s just get on with it!

    ______________________________________________________________


    Back in Pyramid Head’s spikey-walled lair.

    PH: …….and that’s why the Seal of Metatron was created.

    CLAUDIA: Wow! Y’know, that actually makes a lot of sense.

    PH: Well, it’s quite obvious when you think about it.

    Suddenly the doors burst open and Heather and Douglas walk in.

    HEATHER: Sorry to crash the party, Duckhead!

    PH: Miss Mason! We meet again!

    Douglas steps between them holding a big fold-out map.

    DOUGLAS: Woah woah! Hold on! So this is room E7? Right…..

    He takes out a red pen.

    DOUGLAS: Should I put the initials “P.H.”, or just a red circle?

    HEATHER: I don’t care! Get out the way!

    DOUGLAS: Hold it! Hold it! We haven’t explored Room E9.

    Heather looks at the map.

    HEATHER: Oh really? Hang on P., we’ll be back in a second.

    Heather and Douglas walk out of the room. Pyramid Head listens to them going down the corridor and then there is a sound of a door handle turning.

    HEATHER: (from the corridor) Nah, it doesn’t open.

    DOUGLAS: (from the corridor) You sure?

    HEATHER: (from the corridor) Yeah, it must be jammed.

    DOUGLAS: (from the corridor) Hang on, the wood sounds different here. Maybe if we hit it with enough force…..

    HEATHER: (from the corridor) Nah, screw that. Just put a red squiggle and let’s go save Claudia.

    Heather and Douglas re-enter the room.

    HEATHER: Okay, shit-for-brains! Let Claudia go!

    PH: Never! You must battle me to the death!

    Heather walks towards him.

    HEATHER: My father taught me how to defeat slow and clumsy bosses like you. You don’t stand a chance!

    PH: Ha! Ha! Ha! Take a look around you, Miss Mason. In this room you cannot defeat me with your puny Silent Hill combat tactics.

    HEATHER: Oh yeah?

    Heather pulls out a shotgun.

    HEATHER: Well how about my Resident Evil tactics?

    She shoots Pyramid Head and blows him back onto one of the spikes on the wall.

    PH: Urrrrrgh!!! Not again!!

    DOUGLAS: Heh! Wanker!

    Douglas unties Claudia.

    HEATHER: Let’s get outta here.

    The three of them start running away.

    CLAUDIA: Heather, you just fluked a boss-fight. We must find a save-point, otherwise we may not be so lucky next time.

    HEATHER: Okay, let’s get to the roof. There has to be a save point up there.

    The three of them run through a door and up some red exterior staircases, which keep collapsing behind them.

    CLAUDIA: Things are becoming increasingly linear. We must be near the end!

    DOUGLAS: Don’t worry, there’s still a chance for multiple endings!

    HEATHER: Shut up and move!

    They get to the top of the hotel just as the last staircase collapses.

    HEATHER: We made it!

    Suddenly Pyramid Head appears in front of them and impales Heather on his spear.

    HEATHER: Urrrrrgh!!!!

    CLAUDIA: Heather! NOOOOO!!!!

    Blood gushes from Heather’s mouth and she falls down dead. Douglas and Heather fall to their knees.

    CLAUDIA: You bastard!!!!

    PH: It is done!!!

    CLAUDIA: But why? It was James you wanted, not her!

    PH: So I had you believe, foolish priestess! But Alessa was my target all along! Mwha ha ha ha ha!

    CLAUDIA: What!! I don’t understand!

    PH: Then I shall show you!!!

    Pyramid Head reaches up and removes the pyramid helmet from his head. He drops it to the floor and Claudia and Douglas gasp as they see the face underneath.

    CLAUDIA: You???

    Harry Mason smiles at them.

    HARRY: Yes! Me!!!!

    DOUGLAS: But that makes no sense!!

    HARRY: It makes perfect sense if you twist the facts enough. I knew that my daughter Cheryl would one-day return to Silent Hill to fulfil her destiny, and so I hatched this diabolical scheme in order to lure her into a trap. Sure, I could have just killed her in the interrogation room, but instead I used her to bring you in as well, so that I could finish off the Order at the same time that I finished off her!!

    DOUGLAS: So that’s why you never ran anywhere, cos Harry always looks gay when he runs?

    HARRY: Yes, and the helmet, as well as disguising my true identity, also served to hide the crappy graphics on my face.

    CLAUDIA: And the reason you yelled down the phone when Heather was trying to call her Dad was because you didn’t want Heather to realise that her dad was actually standing beside her!!?

    HARRY: Indeed.

    CLAUDIA: Well that all makes sense, but what about all this James Sunderland stuff?

    HARRY: James Sunderland was the man who had an affair with my wife, Maria Mason. I killed her when I found out, and then I poisoned James’ own wife, so that he was eventually forced to murder her. And then I drew James here to have my revenge upon him, but he thwarted me by using my greatest tactic against me – the running-round-the-room-and-shooting tactic. Damn him to hell!!!

    Douglas leans over Heather and whispers into her ear.

    DOUGLAS: Heather, listen to me! Before I met you I went to see the Oracle, and he told me that I would meet a girl who would show me her tits in the back of a car; and that that girl would be the mother of God. So you see, you can’t be dead, because…..you showed me your tits in the back of a car!

    Heather’s eyes flicker open.

    DOUGLAS: Now get up!

    PH: So Claudia, now it is time for you to die. James may have escaped me….but you are doomed!!!!

    CLAUDIA: NOOOO!!!!

    Heather rises up behind Harry and pulls her last weapon out of her coat.

    HEATHER: Hey asshole! Looking for this?

    Pyramid Head turns and sees Heather holding the Great Knife.

    PH: Huh!!! My knife!!!! But how!!!???

    CLAUDIA: She’s alive! She is the Mother of God!!!

    HEATHER: Your wife wasn’t the only one that James was screwing behind your back!!

    HARRY: What?! You!!!!

    HEATHER: That’s right. And I was so good that he gave me this knife as a gift!!!

    DOUGLAS: Well, at least that’s mildly plausible.

    HEATHER: I loved James so much, I even dyed my hair blond to emulate him.

    CLAUDIA: Oh really! Do we have to have a plot reason for every minute detail??

    DOUGLAS: Yes we do, Claudia. Just before your mother died she told me that there was a reason for everything. I loved her like….

    CLAUDIA: Oh shut up!!!

    HEATHER: So I’ve got news for you Daddy-O. I aint gonna randomly decide for no reason to eat this crystallised red stuff that you put in this pendant, as you expected me to do!!! I’m keeping the baby.

    She takes off her necklace and throws it off the roof.

    HEATHER: Now it’s time for you die, Pops. Douglas, set the camera to bullet time!

    DOUGLAS: What?

    HEATHER: Bullet-time, y’know, so we can have our special-effects filled climactic end-scene fight.

    DOUGLAS: Sorry, this is Silent Hill, we don’t do bullet time. All we do is old crappy film or creepy slanting.

    HEATHER: Oh fine, creepy slanting then.

    Douglas takes out a gun and shoots a cameraman. The camera falls to one side.

    HARRY: You little slut! I should’ve left you on the roadside!!! Die!!!

    Heather tries to swing the Great Knife, but Harry kicks her to the ground. The knife goes skidding away across the rooftop.

    HARRY: That was your last weapon Heather. It’s over! Prepare to die.

    HEATHER: I’ve got one item left, bitch!

    With the last of her strength Heather pulls out a pocket radio. Harry stops.

    HARRY: Huh? Radio. What’s up with that radio?

    HEATHER: This!!

    She throws the radio at Harry. It clonks him on the head and he falls backwards over the rooftop.

    HARRY: Aaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!!

    DOUGLAS: Hooray!!!!

    CLAUDIA: It’s over!

    Heather and Douglas help Claudia to her feet.

    CLAUDIA: You saved me! I knew you would.

    HEATHER: But the Oracle said I wasn’t the Mother of God.

    CLAUDIA: Leonard told you exactly what you needed to hear.

    HEATHER: Really? Even the stuff about shoving a flauros up my…

    CLAUDIA: What?

    HEATHER: Oh nothing….

    Pause.

    HEATHER: So what now?

    CLAUDIA: You are the one, Heather. Now it is time to give birth to God and open the doors to Paradise.

    HEATHER: Cool, when can we start?

    CLAUDIA: Right after we have saved!

    They turn around and go towards the save-point on the roof, but a large figure blocks their path.

    DOUGLAS: What the hell?

    Robbie the Rabbit stands before them, holding a handgun.

    HEATHER: Robbie? What are you doing here?!

    Robbie shoot Douglas in the head.

    DOUGLAS: Uurrgh!

    CLAUDIA: Douglas! No!!!

    Robbie shoots Claudia in the head.

    CLAUDIA: Eeeek!!!

    HEATHER: Claudia! Nooo!!!

    Robbie reaches up and removes the head of his rabbit costume. Heather gasps as the face underneath is revealed.

    HEATHER: You!!!

    Michael Kauffman smiles at her.

    KAUFMANN: Yes! Me!

    HEATHER: But my Dad said that Lisa killed you! How did you survive? And why did you dress as Robbie the Rabbit? And what’s your connection with the Order? And what did you do at the hospital? And how did you know we would be here? And why are you doing this??

    Pause. Kaufmann shrugs.

    KAUFMANN: Drugs!

    He reaches into his jacket pocket and throws a vial of red liquid towards Heather. It circles slowly and gracefully in the air. Heather is transfixed.

    HEATHER:. ……They do have bullet time…!

    The vial shatters over Heather and she screams and wretches. She writhes around on the floor and vomits out the parasitic God, which Kaufmann steps on. He then shoots Heather in the head.

    HEATHER: Uuurgh!!!

    Having wiped the blood off his shoes, Kaufmann calmly takes out a mobile phone and dials a number. Someone picks up on the other side.

    KAUFMANN: Hello? Yeah, it’s me. It’s done.

    He ends the call and puts the phone away. Then, as rock music begins to kick in, he dons a pair of shades and walks away across the rooftop.


    ______________________________________________________________


    Far away, back in Portland, James Sunderland puts down the phone and smiles.

    JAMES: We did it, honey.

    Cybil Benett comes over with a pair of champagne filled glasses and sits down on his lap.

    CYBIL: Is it all taken care of?

    James takes his glass of champagne and smiles.

    JAMES: Let’s just say that I think Silent Hill 5 will be a return to form.

    James laughs and sips his champagne.

    CYBIL: That’s great honey.

    Cybil sips her champagne.

    CYBIL: Oh, by the way, there was a phonecall for you earlier. Some guy called Valtiel.

    James stops drinking.

    JAMES: ……Ah shit!


    THE END