Sexuality is weird. Help!

[April]

okay, so all my friends have figured out their sexualities and I'm just, what? I always assumed I was straight but then the Internet gave me all this information and I'm not so sure anymore. How can I figure it out? I mean, I think I'd be fine with anyone as long as I was happy and got some respect but nobody has ever asked me out before so I don't have any real data to go on!

 

[Melon]

This is how I see it; you should honestly know by now. If you think you're straight, then you are most likely straight. The internet is a great place, yes, but it really shouldn't influence your sexuality. Yes us teens can get confused at times, but you usually just KNOW. If that makes any sense.

Also, remember this:
Just because you think the same gender is attractive, does not mean you are bisexual or gay. I'm straight as a board, and I call women hot all the time.

Who knows, maybe you aren't straight. All I'm saying is, don't rely on the internet to give you information on your sexuality. Look inside yourself for the information.

I wish you the best of luck. <3

EDIT:
This also my opinion, I may be wrong entirely. I just thought maybe stating my opinion may help. ^_^

 

[chainedfiction]

Take your time. If you don't know right now, don't worry about it. Learning about your sexuality will come within due time and it certainly isn't needed knowledge to fit in with your friends. If you're questioning your sexuality at the moment, don't let it take over. Let everything come naturally to you, the boys, the girls, let yourself explore.

 

[ᴛᴏᴄᴋᴀ]

A word of advice; wait! Seriously, relationships/sex/dating, it's all a huge hassle. You're young! Have fun with your friends and enjoy the time you have now. You'll figure things out eventually, and there's really no rush.

 

[Koschei]

Basically what everybody else said.

Don't rush it and don't identify as something if it makes you feel uncomfortable. You'll figure it out eventually, and there is no shame in not knowing until you're older. Some people don't realize until they're 30 or 40, so it really isn't unusual.

All these sexual orientations can be very confusing and frustrating (been there, done that, as they say) but don't panic. Honestly. It's okay to not be able to say "I'm gay" or "I'm pansexual" because sometimes there is no sexuality that can properly sum up what you feel like. "I don't know" is a perfectly acceptable answer, and if anybody says otherwise, they're jerks.

 

[Kooriryu]

♪♫ NOTHING HAPPENS IN A VACCUUUUUUUUUUUUUM. ♪♫

https://www.goodreads.com/shelf/show/queer-theory

http://www.critical-theory.com/20-must-read-queer-theory-books/

http://libguides.gc.cuny.edu/content.php?pid=250358&sid=2067135

EDIT for extra bit:

Utilize the internet, kid.

My generation went through the trouble of growing up with the start of the internet as it looks today and a shitton of us rebelliously uploaded all the textbooks we had to buy with that paperpaper cashmoney in an effort to both offer relief tothe rest of us having trouble with dropping $500+ on textbooks and to also get that type of information out there, accessible for everyone. That is what I mean by "nothing happens in a vaccuum". These words such as "aromantic", "pansexuality", "boi" etc. are not new. Not even as new as y'all teens, some of these have been grounded in LGBT critical theory academia for a solid decade or two. Some of the words, if I really had to cover my ass, are new but they still describe concepts that are actually old as shit.

History, thesis, dissertations, examinations, studies and all kinds of academia covering subjects that aren't even covered at your local high school is everywhere. You shouldn't have to wait 'til you're at a university with the option of elective history courses in your catalogue to learn about it.

The internet very well cannot tell you who you are but it sure as fuck can help you figure it out.

EDIT 2: Electric Boogaloo: And barring that, the internet can assure you that you're not alone in the way you feel. Even with 7 billion of us running around, a kid figuring themselves out can feel lonely as shit if there ain't no one to talk to about it.

EDIT 3: Return of the Petty:

Granted this image is only irritating if you align yourself to a website over yourself, so.

Words Mean Things™

EDIT 4: Koori is an entire baseball team because the bases are always covered:

And after Jojo and Equi here, I have to emphasize something because I also noticed it in your first post April: There legit is not a rush to figure yourself out. Lemme get Cranky Old Person real quick on you:

All y'all kids needa slow the whole fuck down about all this shit. I get it, not a baby and not yet an adult and oh god you're ready-- so ready! But lemme tell you something, something that seems to not sink in for most folks 'til they hit their late 20s: When you die, you leave behind a timeline. You do not live by a timeline.

I notice you mentioning that your friends have all accomplished the arduous task of "figuring themselves out", in as far as their sexuality is concerned.

...

HAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-- THEFUCK THEY HAVE. Okay, sorry, legit trying to tone down that Condescendingly Cynical Adult™ But honest talk, some folk are fortunate enough to really figure themselves out early and then have the conviction to stick to it. But I'm sensing a part of your hang up is trying to "keep up" with everyone who seems to have their shit sorted. Y'all are teens, teenagers, adolescents, young adults. Y'all passed puberty, are almost done with high school and I get it, the world we live in makes it really seem that you need to have absolutely every bit and bauble of your shit together by the time you walk across that stage to get your diploma.

Somebodies been lyin' to y'all. Multiple liars.

And if I did have to dip back into Condescendingly Cynical Adult, I call and smell bullshit on your friends claiming to completely know what they're about with their sexuality. And I simultaneously attribute the internet and y'all's nascent-ass adulthood to this fuckup. While the internet has gloriously provided enormous amounts of collected data and made it accessible to anyone with a search engine, the problem is the digestion of those vast stores of knowledge. Like I'm sure y'all friends are quick to say words like "homoromantic" or "genderqueer" but I'm guessing they're not as quick to define them, to name those who had coined those words, under what circumstances, used in which contexts to describe what ideas and concepts. Now, you don't have to be a LGBT Studies major to have permission to use those words, but they are not "slang" they are terminology. Jargon, used in both high academic work and in the casual conversations held at a coffee shop during an Open Mic Night. Use those terms to be illuminating, not trendy. All that youthful vigor to look like you know what you're about. Calm down with it, ffs. You're gonna get there... eventually.

But I get it, to be able to look at someone and say shit with the utmost confidence that you are x, g, k, and p is pretty alluring. It's also fucking all y'all up. You might not veg out on the couch watching SpongeBob anymore but I guarantee that whatever the shit y'all are on now will not be the same 5 or 10 years from now. But if the desire to just have an answer for someone who asks you about it is that strong, then, research away but don't lie to yourself and think that you'll never have to look back on that shit again and wonder, "Mmmaybe not... after all."

"You are not obligated to be the person you were at age 13, a year ago, yesterday or any day." You're growing still, maybe not in body but growing just the same. The most blatant disservice you could do to yourself is to say, "lol yaa no im done now." and lock the door on yourself. Let yourself have the ability to change. Acknowledge what's happening with you, to you, as you are now because there sure as fuck no point in thinking about yourself in the past tense and there is most positively no goddamn point in trying to project yourself into the future because you don't even live there yet.

tl;dr: koori uses too many pop culture references, slang, and swearwords for me to follow all that shit:

Do nurture the urge to find yourself
Don't lie about knowing it already when you don't
Learn. Learn all the things.
Recognize context, recognize truthful application to yourself
Things Don't Happen In A Vaccuum
Words Mean Things
Teens are not Adults for precisely that reason
Slow the fuck down, live your life as it fucking comes to you for fuck's sake srsly
Teenaged is not a swearword
No one has their shit 100% together straight out of highschool
Drink some water
Keep ya blood sugar up
Pet a kitten

 

[Jorick]

To be completely crass about it, sexuality is all about who you want to fuck. It's really not as complicated as a lot of people make it out to be. With that in mind, there are a couple things you should know.

First off, don't bother with information gathered from the internet, because sexuality is a 100% personal thing. There's this funny thing our brains do sometimes where we read or think something and then we end up convincing ourselves that we actually feel that way. These reactions are known as psychosomatic responses when they cause actual physical reactions, and in medicine it's known as the placebo effect, but it can happen with mainly mental things as well. The reason I bring this up is because you can absolutely get confused and convince yourself of falsehoods by reading about how you're supposed to feel if you are a certain thing. The reality of the situation is there's no universal metric for judging sexuality, just your personal preferences, so trying to judge your own preferences by reading the personal accounts (and that is in fact what the vast majority of information on sexualities, particularly those outside of the common roads of straight/gay/bi, on the internet really is despite how much people try to present it as fact) of other people is just worthless.

Second, sexuality labels are dumb, don't worry about them. If you did sexuality research you probably found all sorts of labels like aromantic pansexual or demisexual or similar. Ignore them entirely until after you've figured yourself out. Y'know that thing I explained above about convincing yourself of nonsense? Trying to decide which neat little box you fit into is a great way to make that happen. Do some experimenting to figure out who you want to do the sex with (because as I said before, that's what it's all about), then after you have an answer go ahead and find out what names apply to your particular setup. You'll save yourself a lot of nonsense if you discard the labels for now instead of stressing over which one fits you from the start.

Third, it's not that important to figure out right now. Really. As others have said, you've got plenty of time, plus lots of people don't figure this stuff out until they're knocking on middle age. Just do whatever feels like a good idea at the time, then learn from any mistakes you make to get better acquainted with the confusing mess of nonsense that is your self. Find a cute boy that you wanna date? Go for it. Find a cute girl that you wanna date? Have at it. Find a cute transgendered person you wanna date? Sure, have fun. Experimentation is natural and healthy. Figure out what you want by actually exploring your natural desires and urges. Maybe it'll take you some time to really figure yourself out, or maybe it'll only take one big foible for you to decide that you're only into a particular gender. Trying to figure out your sexuality by reading descriptions of various options online is like trying to learn how to drive a car by simply reading about the process: you need some actual practical experience before you really know what the hell you're doing.

That's pretty much it. TL;DR version is ignore "helpful" information and labels because it's a deeply personal thing, get out there and test the waters with experimentation to figure things out, and don't stress about it possibly taking some time.

 

[EquinoxSol]

Basically what everyone else said. Experiment, for sure, if your comfortable and happy with it. I went through a lot of different sexualities before I understood exactly what I felt. Just do whatever feels right to you. Maybe there isn't a word for what you feel for other genders/people, maybe you're just you. Or maybe you are the exact definition of gay/bi/pan/whatever. It's whatever is in your heart, for you to decide. And if anyone tries to tell you your sexuality, tell them they're idiots because they aren't you. They don't know who you are, what you've been through, etc.

 

[Temet Nosce]

It honestly shouldn't be this complicated.

You are WAY overthinking it haha, just do what you like.

In a literal and figurative sense.

 

[Gwazi Magnum]

The Internet can be a really great tool, but also a really unreliable tool *stares at tumblr*.
And relying on it to know yourself can lead to a lot of (false) self-diagnosing where doing so can make it harder on those who actually fall under it *stares at depression and ptsd*.

And also, if your concern is that you need to do this in order to start dating people and being cool (I know a lot of people in High School are like this) stop.
Relationships are not something you go into for the image, and they're not a puppies and rainbows experience where you'll always be happy and love will conquer all.
Being a relationship although very rewarding is also very demanding, it requires a huge investment of time, confidence, understanding, maturity, ability to keep safe yet at the same time desire to see one another etc.
I won't go as far as to say "Don't date people when you're a teenager", but at the same time don't rush into it like it's nothing, something you *have* to do, or some sort of romantic fairy tale.

But like others have already said, sexuality isn't some carbon cutout of a line where people can just wedge themselves into it.
It's also something where you need to have a good understanding of yourself, if you have no idea what/who you like then no amount of Internet lingo will help you.
Also people grow up and change all the time, never will one reach a point of fully knowing themselves and stay there. Cause they will change, and now they have new learning to do.

Hell the concept you describe with that part is called "Self Actualizing" and it is suggested that only 1% of people ever reach that, and that's anywhere in life, not teenage hood.
So your classmates claiming to truly know themselves? That's bullshit, they're still growing, learning and being exposed to new things like most people are.
I mean like others have already said, some people don't even figure out their sexuality let alone their entire personality until their 30's and 40's.

 

[Kestrel]

Do I want to tap dat? Yes/no. IMO we all care too much about labeling our selves. Like we don't have an identity if we don't have a word to yell at people with. Don't worry as much about a label as much as just doing what feels right.

The more complicated part is the social one.

Also;

I notice you mentioning that your friends have all accomplished the arduous task of "figuring themselves out", in as far as their sexuality is concerned.

...

HAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-- THEFUCK THEY HAVE.

This. So much this.

 

[Kooriryu]

^^^ Legit wondered if that part was going to get noticed in the way it has, so don't catch feelings Kestrel. I just wanted to clarify even more but this time without just blurting shit out like my usual because frankly, it's got that Can of Worms warning and I didn't wanna tango with that shit 'til it got addressed.

I'm not so much as doubting whether they feel as if they've figured out that they're non-binary pansexual, I'm making a little bit of fun out of the teenage urge to have everything settled and decided, otherwise known as labelling themselves because I know ambiguity makes y'all teens a little antsy. Hence all that "preppies", "punks", "nerds" shenanigans that are still happening in all those high schools.

Lemme hop back into Cranky Old Person with a dash of Young Enough to Know. Now, one of the reasons why I'm inwardly laughing at your friends claiming to know their sexualities is in part, like I've stated already, y'all kids love to put yourselves in boxes and y'all still love doing that Team Capn' Crunch versus Team Fruit Loops sort of silly Us vs. Them 'cuz it makes y'all feel like you belong somewhere. And that that somewhere has a large supply of people who Are Like You and who will Get It and y'all never have to feel like maybe something at right with you.

But I'mma get real specific here because honestly, why the fuck not tho. Gwagwa here mentioned tumblr and you, yourself April, mentioned that 'the internet' has "taught" you a lot of shit about this sexuality stuff. That too is where my internal laughter is stemming from. I dunno if you meant to implicate yourself as a teenager, but your generation is in a very peculiar place in terms of knowledge sharing via internet use. And I am not so old that my ass is out of the loop that I don't already know that a lot of y'all kids have this thing with letting websites dictate your own personal politics and critical thinking. My old ass knows that tumblr is seen as some namby pamby, special snowflake, words for every itch and scratch, oversensitive place. I know, I mean it makes me roll my eyes like Linda Blair in the exorcist but whatevs.

I say your generation is peculiar is because y'all are in your teens and you very literally have the easiest access to information than any generation before you. This is great, the more knowledgeable a people are the better. The flipside... is that y'all are teens and y'all are impatient as fuck and when you guys get your inner passionate fires ignited y'all go around burning shit into the ground. The phenomenon of teens flagrantly misusing terminology for their own glorification is not a new thing.

Case in point, utilizing the terminology (not slang y'all) from within LGBT communities and academia in a less than appropriate manner. This isn't to deny that your friends might really have figured out their sexualities because compulsory heteronormativity is a thing that makes a lot of kids hesitant to say shit like, "Actually mom... I date boys... and girls." 'cuz a lotta "adults" like to say shit about you being too young to say or to know that you're gay or it's a phase you'll grow out of. That shit is an entirely different conversation though, lemme pull up real quick.

I said before that the internet can help you figure your shit out, and to refer to your first post you confessed that all that information has put you in a spot because now you're not sure about jack nor shit. And that's okay. You'll be fine as long as you don't wholesale lump yourself into whatever it is you read on the internet. Not because your source of information has some reputation for some shit that, let's be honest, is wholly conceived from the displays of those who very new and/or very young and/or very obviously and grossly misusing knowledge for their own sense of aesthetic whimsy. Tumblr is great in that it's many different people sharing their lives with one another, sharing textbooks and information for free but the entirety of the problem is that all that information will be viewed, shared, regurgitated, and commented on by absolutely everyone whether they are familiar with the idea or concept being shared or not. And if a few speak with enough flair and passion, their opinion has the danger of being adopted for your own. Keep your shit separate so at the end of the day you're not wearin' someone else's clothes. I wasn't kidding when I said Nothing Happens In A Vaccuum, a very very veeeery large chunk of what you're wondering about has been written about, extensively, in pretty much every level of literature from the master's thesis level to the autobiograpical level. Hence that small list of links I gave up above.

You are not lesser for not knowing who you are yet and your friends are not more for knowing.

An identity is less like a battering ram with which to confront people, it's more like a cozy nest that you can tuck into and relax in. Because I know y'all teens also enjoy flummoxing folk older than you because some of you have a hard-on for being a pain in the as-- I mean, to seem like you're more knowledgeable and worldly than someone old with their old, 'narrow' knowledge. Curb that shit down. I know it hella looks like I'm berating you instead of advising you but it's through this shit that I'm trying to reinforce the idea that the sooner you can recognize foolishness for what it is, is one less bump in your road toward self-discovery. Dig?

 

[Kestrel]

^^^ Legit wondered if that part was going to get noticed in the way it has, so don't catch feelings Kestrel. I just wanted to clarify even more but this time without just blurting shit out like my usual because frankly, it's got that Can of Worms warning and I didn't wanna tango with that shit 'til it got addressed.

It's mostly ironic, because I thought I had myself figured out when I was a teenager. Heck I then thought I had it figured out when I became 'an adult.' I think I have myself figured out right now, but chances are I'm still going to be wrong about it. As you can see my track record isn't great.

 

[Kooriryu]

Track record ideally shouldn't be "great" in terms of consistency 'cuz it ain't like you're gonna be the exact same person a year from now, innit? Even the shit about a person that stays "consistent" doesn't exactly stay the same, it too grows inside you-- the things about it become deeper, more detailed and flavored by who you're growing to be.

That's that shit I want the teenagers to realize sooner if just for the reason to stave off a lot of that tired-ass existential crisis bullshit 'cuz their views on how a person's supposed to develop like is the box the person they're becoming no longer fits neatly in.

 

[Kestrel]

I'm aware, I'm merely entertained.

 

[Gwazi Magnum]

I'm 21, and although I feel like I currently have a strong sense of myself I know damn well that I'm going to continue to grow and change in the future as I get exposed to new things.

 

[Hellis]

HAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-- THEFUCK THEY HAVE

All of this. I refrained from making a post like this, becouse I didn't have much else to add. But really, very few people have the luxury to figure themselves out completely.

 

[dragonesper]

I'm agreeing with a lot of the others here when it comes to nothing being set in stone.

I didn't figure my stuff out until I was about 18-19 (approx 4-5 years ago) and what do you know, stuff is changing, again. *turns monotone* Yay.
Sexuality isn't singular, binary or a shade between black and white. You never know what the future holds, what kind of person you will be or even what kind of people you would even want to befriend. I'm of the reflective sort, but that doesn't mean I treat my answers as the universal truth. The answers you get is your own, personal truth. Reach your answers at your own pace, you'll find it better in the long run. Trust me on that at least.

 

[Phoebe]

okay, so all my friends have figured out their sexualities and I'm just, what? I always assumed I was straight but then the Internet gave me all this information and I'm not so sure anymore. How can I figure it out? I mean, I think I'd be fine with anyone as long as I was happy and got some respect but nobody has ever asked me out before so I don't have any real data to go on!

Sexuality can be a really fluid thing, even for adults, or others who think their preferences are set in stone. You're never too old to experiment, and I think that a lot of people get hung up over the labels. If you feel attracted to the opposite gender, but are considering trying the same-sex as well, it doesn't make you automatically bisexual- just open to exploration. No need to decide once and for all right this minute.

Hope that helped.

 

[Dervish]

I think everyone goes through a phase where they question their sexuality. I think back in high school I had like half a semester's worth of questioning if I was gay or bisexual because I thought some guys were rather attractive and occasionally wondered what it was like kissing people I was talking to. I pieced together that it was totally normal to find people of the same sex attractive without being sexually attracted to them. I didn't feel like riding the D, so to speak, but I remained lustfully and romantically drawn towards the fairer sex.

Speaking frankly, I think a part of the confusion a lot of people have is because growing up, you're kind of surrounded by a culture and peers that aren't exactly accepting of people being attracted to the same sex, so you kind of get it in your head to fit in you have to really convince people you are totally grossed out by other dudes (or dudettes, if you have the opposite stimulus package), so when you hit puberty, you're hit with your crazy hormones and chemical imbalances and finding yourself attracted to people for the first time, it's kind of confusing and terrifying when you see somebody of the same sex that has features you find attractive because you grew up telling yourself it's wrong. So to all the homosexual and bisexual people out there, I can't imagine how terrifying those first few formative years of puberty were and finding out that you were sexually attracted to the same sex.

So, that's my two cents on the matter on top of the pile of loose change others have bestowed upon you. I find that because you're emotionally and hormonally developing so much between your early teens and early twenties you shouldn't freak out if you haven't figured yourself out yet. You're being asked to make a lot of crazy life choices in a short period of time, and figuring out who you want to slot genitals with without really having experience is really confusing and kind of scary. Just go with the flow, and be reassured that if you generally like guys, then you're probably straight, even if you occasionally look at other girls a bit longer than you're comfortable with on occasion. Of course, if you are bisexual or homosexual, you'll figure that out in time. Just don't worry too much about figuring yourself out; you'll end up doing it eventually, it's not something that stays in fluctuation forever.