S
Sakura
Guest
Original poster
This is a really personal, complicated mess of the things on my mind right now.
If you're not interested or honestly don't care, please just disregard it. I'm not asking for sympathy. I know that my situation is still better than others and I will be the first to admit, that despite all this, I'm still very very fortunate. And I'm honest enough to say that I'm happy, even though I have a lot on my mind, I've developed the kind of personality that finds hope in difficulty. So when someone doesn't care, I don't mind. I'm not ranting for attention. I'm ranting because I genuinely think your help will give me a better understanding. So if you take the time to read this and help me, I sincerely thank you.
What I really need is a variety of advice. I've brought this up to the people around me, but I believe that Iwaku's community is more diverse and will have a better understanding on many of things that are bothering me. If I hear your experiences or your opinions, I might be able to make a better decision.
+Currently
I just finished my freshman year at NYU POLY. It's a tech-based university that's up and coming in terms of reputation because of it's recent merger with New York University (yes, the one). I'm studying computer engineering with a math minor. The curriculum is TOUGH and near torturous, so I'm not even sure I can survive, but I'm determined to try. The environment is great because everyone is working hard. The campus is nonexistent, but the professors and students all exude this "technology love" and talk about things like "entrepreneurship and innovation". In that way, it's great.
I'm already on my first start-up attempt. A small idea I developed in my technology forum class that I'm working on with a partner to submit to NYU Stern's Business Venture competition as well as Poly's own 'Innovention' (a pun on Innovation & Invention) contest.
I just got my tuition statement for sophomore year and the tuition went up a little. It's suffocating to begin with, but now I would be paying a total ~ $40,000 a year. The tuition is about $19,000. On campus residency is about $5,000 and added on university fees make it about $25,000. With scholarship and financial aid, I'm down to $18,000. I know, it's not much. I was admitted on a last minute, without an application basis. Never applied to the school. (Was basically forced here through my mom's desperation. I didn't like the school at all in the beginning, but I guess it grew on me.)
+What the problem is
My mother.
Well, she's always been a kind of negative force in my life. People are orphans, they suffer from loss during their lives, or other kinds of grief, but I'm fortunate enough to not have anything like that. She used to be okay before, just the typical angry mother, but now it's just become unbearable.
Physical, verbal and mental abuse to the point where I just start crying even if I can't hear her. I guess one of the reasons I agreed to go to this college was because I was living on campus. There's no way I could have studied in the environment we have at home. Even now, she just came from work, threw my books around, broke a small side table and started bitching like everything that ever went wrong in her life is my fault.
I know it's not. For most of my life, I've used my mother's rants as a driving force to become better. I've used it to tell myself that I can be strong, that I can take her shit and rise above it. But it becomes more and more difficult. I'm torn between spiritually wanting to respect my aging parents and silencing myself when I have to sit here and listen to her continuously cursing and talking completely filthy nonsense to my face.
One of the reasons why I have to keep silent is because she gave me money for my first year through that college savings program. I feel like she treats it like blood money. All her life, she's never bought me even as much as a birthday gift. Now that she's paid for my first year, and just recently given me a check from the savings for my first sophomore semester, she's begun to threaten me. She'll kick my dad out. She'll kick me out. She won't pay for another semester. I should go to a state school and get lost. (her words, not mine)
+About Schools
I love Poly, I really do.
But I'm not stupid. I realize that the amount of money is a ridiculous for an undergrad university that isn't really up there with other names.
Why won't I go to a perfectly fine state school? Because I don't want to.
I worked so hard during my four years of high school. I worked like one of those asian kids with the mothers that bring them trays of food to their room and don't even make them do the dishes. But instead, I worked hard at my studies, worked at the housework, kept my father and my brother company and remained sane despite my mother's crazy rants. Why should I have to go to a state school and compromise my education because my mother doesn't think I'm worthy of being happy?
It's not the money. Even if I take loans and go to poly, she says she'll throw all of my stuff out while I'm gone and kick me out. As if she can't stand it if anyone is happy. My dad bought this huge new TV to replace our old one and she freaked out and threatens to throw it out all the time. We got a large standing fan from a garage sale two days ago because it's hot in the living room with just one and she just broke it by shoving it to the ground. How dare we bring filth in? How dare we buy a fan without asking her?
I feel like this apartment is more of a prison under her guard than a home.
+About the family
My dad's retired and doesn't really have a source of income. He has this silly hobby of selling cameras and collecting old computers from people to rearrange the parts and resell them. His success goes up and down, but the amount of storage boxes of stuff in our room doesn't change much. It makes my mom furious that there's so much stuff in my room. I share my room with my dad. My mom has her own room. My brother's bed's in the living room.
Anyways. My dad's room is probably the most clean in the whole apartment. There's just a lot of stuff. My mom's the type of person that throws stuff behind sofas and on top of shelves to hide it from view. She likes the facade of clean. Nothing on top of the table, but the drawers are full of all kinds of random stuff, not even organized.
My bro's on psychiatric medicine. My mom uses him like a butler, threatening him all the time like, "Come with me to xyz store or else you'll be crazy all your life." He'll never get over his fears the way she continuously berates him.
My older sister is a surgeon with three kids. She's supposedly working a good life, but in debt? She doesn't call and doesn't care (logical reasoning..) so I'm basically the only "sane" one in the family.
I'm trying to convince my father to get SOME kind of supportive job, leave this place and live with my brother in some cheap place in Flushing. My mother will always reign her frustration and anger, "you are all living off me" attitude, but she'll only drive my father crazy and make my brother's recovery slower. (in my opinion)
+About my academia
When I graduated from high school last year, I was ready with a plan. I was going to a religious institute to learn intensive Arabic and Quran and Islam for a year. It was a program in Texas. I was raising money in secret from my mother. My father was ready to let me go.
My mother found out and threw the community into chaos. She argued with everyone and convinced them that I was "brainwashed" and "trying to runaway" and "didn't a mother have a right to stop her child from going away". To avoid everyone going crazy because of me, I gave up on that and even gave in to her demands to go to polytechnic. She paid the tuition and everything on the spot, sending to me to live on campus. I got accepted into the universities I applied, but delayed the acceptance for a year. I wanted to study law or journalism (originally), but I applied pharmacy to a couple of schools, too. My dream school was NYU. Since it was too late to go to one of the schools I had originally applied to, it was September and they didn't have seats left, I agreed.
I ended up liking poly. Computer Engineering is really hard for me. I struggle through calculus II and complicated maths like linear algebra. I'm not gifted like some children. Every grade I get, I've earned through hours and hours of hard work. People have talent, but I think my talent is just my determination. I just keep trying until I get it. The only thing that comes with a natural gift is writing english and even that, it's not like I haven't worked on it.
I accepted all that because I thought, I like technology. If there's something I have to do with the rest of my life, if it's engineering, it's interesting enough and exciting that I can bring myself to do it. Maybe after engineering undergrad, I can take the LSAT and apply to law in grad school. Something like that, you know? Always hopeful.
+At the moment
I don't even want to go to college come September, knowing I'll be paying with mom's money. I feel like she uses the fact that she's paying to make up for all these years of neglect and all the current abuse. Like just because she's paying, it's okay to throw my things, pull my hair, or threaten me. I hate that.
At the same time, I know the amount of money is ridiculous. I'm looking into transfer options. My dad's willing to send me wherever I want to go. I'm fortunate that I have one parent at least, who supports me.
I want to continue my education, but just something about a state school irks me. I'm willing to go out of my comfort zone to a school abroad or in another state, granted it's not a waste of time and is on par with the level of my current university. Maybe it's just my pride? But I worked hard. I don't want to go to a school that someone with a 2.0 high school gpa went to when I could have easily cruised through high school, but chose to put so much effort and graduate with honors.
I transferred high schools three times. 9th grade - one school, the second half of 9th until 10th - another, and finally, public school from 11-12. And despite being a transfer, I graduated in the top 30% of a class of 2000+ kids. Transferring doesn't scare me. I know I'll adapt to change. It's kind of sad, but I know that I can accept any environment. Currently "my room" consists of the east corner of my dad's bed room. My bed is a bunch of stuffings on the floor lined by suitcases and a window on one side and my dressing table + bookshelf arranged like an L.
A picture of my corner (: As you can see, I can't even open my drawers fully >_< but you don't see me complaining. I'm happy.
I've been raised by my dad and my surroundings very well. I will adapt and be happy with what little I have. That's just my personality ;~~~;
+The Questions
I don't know what I can do for my father or brother right now. I'm just a sophomore. I don't even know how to drive yet (Dad just never had time to teach me). When I'm at home for vacation, my dad acts like I'm a sheltered child and won't even let me take the trains or buses (>.<).
I've researched colleges abroad. My backup right now is McGill. It's my father and sister's alumni and I'm basically guaranteed admission with my grades. I'm a Canadian citizen so the tuition costs are ~ 6,000. And if I choose McGill, my dad says he will move to Montreal with me. I just don't know if I'm ready for a complete change like that, you know?
My other option is local, SUNY StonyBrook's computer science program.
There are other schools with computer engineering, but very expensive. There's schools in UK that are cheaper, but because UK's schooling system is different, only some of my credits will transfer. I looked at schools in Asia, HKUST and KAIST for example are popular Asian technology schools. I'm not worried about living in Korea or Hong Kong. I can already write a bit of Mandarin and could easily learn Korean if I put my effort in it. (Linguistics, like I said, is fun and easy for me). College seems cheaper abroad, including the expenses of living and the estimated expenses of food, shopping, etc.
But I don't know anything about the world. If I study abroad for the last two years and get a foreign degree, can I come back here and get a job at a place like Apple or Microsoft for programming or computer hardware design like I planned? Is it the same value of a degree, a NY state college, NYU-POLY, or KAIST (for example) ?
I wish I had that kind of knowledge. If I go off to some foreign college, get my degree for cheaper, and return, would I have wasted two or three extra years?
I'm so confused. Both the familial situation, the assumed responsibility of my brother and father and my mother's pressure really sticks in my mind. I didn't do so well in terms of grades freshman year, but second semester, I pulled everything up to As and Bs. I made some great friends who are like, for the first time ever, like family. I feel like I've matured, being able to live on my own, pick up after myself, watch my budget, and study on my own. I also had to handle my family issues at campus and they often called while fighting at home or brought the fights over to campus when they came to visit (almost once a week, it was insane).
+For Advice
Just any general confidence-boosting ideas would be great. Right now all of this is clouding my mind. I tried to land a summer job, but with my mothers "you will never be able to take a bus and go to work you're useless" rants and my dad's "I don't think you should work in Manhatten and take the train every day", I just gave up trying to fight back. I'm spending my summer studying over the material ahead for next semester, working on a novel I've left for a year, and brushing up on basic IT skills like video editing, programming, web design. I also have plans to set up my own website for resumes sake and am working on that business venture, club paperwork for a girltalk club at poly, and little things like scholarships searching.
At the same time, I'm at a loss of what to do for transferring and/or financial aid. Here and there, I pick up bits and pieces of advice on the internet of how to become independent from your parents financially. I'm going to have a job on campus next semester as TA and possibly a writing consultant as well. (Things at campus are really looking up because I've been working so hard), but I don't want to rely on my mom's money. I also feel that taking 40,000 a year for two more years as loans will be suicidal by the time I graduate.
According to stats, my school's graduate average salary is 60,000, so everyone's like "oh you can pay it off easy" but I don't want to be so naive to think I can pay off 100,000+ loans AND the interest that will pile up..
I feel like I grew up a lot over these last two months, being on my own and thinking about these things, but I'm not entirely grown up.
I've talked to my dad and he's generally cordial with me about whatever decision I make. He wants me to research and make the decisions about college or finances, etc.
The reason I'm writing all this here to get your advice is being I feel like I'm still too naive and don't understand much about the world. I would like to hear your opinions on what I should, what options I have, or what you think would be a good idea. If you know something about colleges abroad vs. US colleges, please do say!
One thing I've learned over the years is that I never feel any shame asking for help, because I will admit, readily, that I'm incapable of so many things and it's only learning from others and picking up good habits, being determined, and putting effort that has got me so far.
+happy tidbit so you don't feel bad+
OHYEAH. I think I found someone I really really like. Usually my crushes only last about a month or so, but I've liked this guy since I met him. It's been like 6+ months ;~; We have arguments now and then. There was a point when he said that I was acting like his girlfriend and I should stop, around that time I was like FINE YOU JERK and totally ignored him for more than a week. He came back and started to talk to me and was all nice and sweet (it was funny!). He never apologized, but through his actions he did. At some point, everyone around us was like "Oh you make such a good couple" and neither of us seemed to mind. We were spending a lot of time together, haha, so it made me people think I guess. We're both opposites. He thinks with logic, I think with emotions, but we both are determined and competitive. At one point, he used to answer questions for me to people and make plans for me while I was right there, so I told him "dude, stop acting like my boyfriend." It was funny because it was the same thing I did, get too comfortable.
Then once we were watching this movie where the girl gets married to another guy, but tells the guy that was her best friend all her life, "I'll miss you buddy." After that, he started calling me "buddy." which I shortened to "bud" and another friend made into "bro". So apparently, he's my bro. And in his definition, all of his friends that are my friends too (like our small circle of friends are my "bros") LOL.
This one night I was upset and he was like what's wrong? I didn't really want to talk so he just hung around randomly (trying to cheer me up?). It got late and everyone wanted to watch a movie, but he wanted to sleep. I was like, don't go. And he was like "you've got other bros here, don't worry." It made me laugh.
Now we're like super comfortable, like brother sister, I guess? We talk about life and stuff. Next semester, we'll be in all the same classes. He always tutors me in math, saying "You work so hard that I can't say no. Whenever you work hard and you only get a 70, I feel so bad." (LOL) And I tutor him in English (he's an international chinese student) and check his essays for him. We go out to eat with our friends and play basketball.
He's really playful, but he really moody, too, so I don't understand him very well. I thought we weren't so close, but he introduced me to his friends from China and they were like, "Oh you're his NY best friend!" And I was like... I am? I think he just doesn't express emotions well... Hah~ And he keeps a lot to himself.
A picture of us ! I was so chubby then T.T I swear, I lost weight! Haha c:
Recently, he asked me, "how is it that you're so thankful for everything you have?"
I thought that was really sweet. Because it made me realize that he, like the few of my college friends (roommates included), really understand me well. (: I think I finally made friends worth for life~
ANYWAYS. I wanted you to know that, too! Because not everything is going badly for me ^^
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you read ALL THAT and you still love me~ THANK YOU ;~;
If you're not interested or honestly don't care, please just disregard it. I'm not asking for sympathy. I know that my situation is still better than others and I will be the first to admit, that despite all this, I'm still very very fortunate. And I'm honest enough to say that I'm happy, even though I have a lot on my mind, I've developed the kind of personality that finds hope in difficulty. So when someone doesn't care, I don't mind. I'm not ranting for attention. I'm ranting because I genuinely think your help will give me a better understanding. So if you take the time to read this and help me, I sincerely thank you.
What I really need is a variety of advice. I've brought this up to the people around me, but I believe that Iwaku's community is more diverse and will have a better understanding on many of things that are bothering me. If I hear your experiences or your opinions, I might be able to make a better decision.
+Currently
I just finished my freshman year at NYU POLY. It's a tech-based university that's up and coming in terms of reputation because of it's recent merger with New York University (yes, the one). I'm studying computer engineering with a math minor. The curriculum is TOUGH and near torturous, so I'm not even sure I can survive, but I'm determined to try. The environment is great because everyone is working hard. The campus is nonexistent, but the professors and students all exude this "technology love" and talk about things like "entrepreneurship and innovation". In that way, it's great.
I'm already on my first start-up attempt. A small idea I developed in my technology forum class that I'm working on with a partner to submit to NYU Stern's Business Venture competition as well as Poly's own 'Innovention' (a pun on Innovation & Invention) contest.
I just got my tuition statement for sophomore year and the tuition went up a little. It's suffocating to begin with, but now I would be paying a total ~ $40,000 a year. The tuition is about $19,000. On campus residency is about $5,000 and added on university fees make it about $25,000. With scholarship and financial aid, I'm down to $18,000. I know, it's not much. I was admitted on a last minute, without an application basis. Never applied to the school. (Was basically forced here through my mom's desperation. I didn't like the school at all in the beginning, but I guess it grew on me.)
+What the problem is
My mother.
Well, she's always been a kind of negative force in my life. People are orphans, they suffer from loss during their lives, or other kinds of grief, but I'm fortunate enough to not have anything like that. She used to be okay before, just the typical angry mother, but now it's just become unbearable.
Physical, verbal and mental abuse to the point where I just start crying even if I can't hear her. I guess one of the reasons I agreed to go to this college was because I was living on campus. There's no way I could have studied in the environment we have at home. Even now, she just came from work, threw my books around, broke a small side table and started bitching like everything that ever went wrong in her life is my fault.
I know it's not. For most of my life, I've used my mother's rants as a driving force to become better. I've used it to tell myself that I can be strong, that I can take her shit and rise above it. But it becomes more and more difficult. I'm torn between spiritually wanting to respect my aging parents and silencing myself when I have to sit here and listen to her continuously cursing and talking completely filthy nonsense to my face.
One of the reasons why I have to keep silent is because she gave me money for my first year through that college savings program. I feel like she treats it like blood money. All her life, she's never bought me even as much as a birthday gift. Now that she's paid for my first year, and just recently given me a check from the savings for my first sophomore semester, she's begun to threaten me. She'll kick my dad out. She'll kick me out. She won't pay for another semester. I should go to a state school and get lost. (her words, not mine)
+About Schools
I love Poly, I really do.
But I'm not stupid. I realize that the amount of money is a ridiculous for an undergrad university that isn't really up there with other names.
Why won't I go to a perfectly fine state school? Because I don't want to.
I worked so hard during my four years of high school. I worked like one of those asian kids with the mothers that bring them trays of food to their room and don't even make them do the dishes. But instead, I worked hard at my studies, worked at the housework, kept my father and my brother company and remained sane despite my mother's crazy rants. Why should I have to go to a state school and compromise my education because my mother doesn't think I'm worthy of being happy?
It's not the money. Even if I take loans and go to poly, she says she'll throw all of my stuff out while I'm gone and kick me out. As if she can't stand it if anyone is happy. My dad bought this huge new TV to replace our old one and she freaked out and threatens to throw it out all the time. We got a large standing fan from a garage sale two days ago because it's hot in the living room with just one and she just broke it by shoving it to the ground. How dare we bring filth in? How dare we buy a fan without asking her?
I feel like this apartment is more of a prison under her guard than a home.
+About the family
My dad's retired and doesn't really have a source of income. He has this silly hobby of selling cameras and collecting old computers from people to rearrange the parts and resell them. His success goes up and down, but the amount of storage boxes of stuff in our room doesn't change much. It makes my mom furious that there's so much stuff in my room. I share my room with my dad. My mom has her own room. My brother's bed's in the living room.
Anyways. My dad's room is probably the most clean in the whole apartment. There's just a lot of stuff. My mom's the type of person that throws stuff behind sofas and on top of shelves to hide it from view. She likes the facade of clean. Nothing on top of the table, but the drawers are full of all kinds of random stuff, not even organized.
My bro's on psychiatric medicine. My mom uses him like a butler, threatening him all the time like, "Come with me to xyz store or else you'll be crazy all your life." He'll never get over his fears the way she continuously berates him.
My older sister is a surgeon with three kids. She's supposedly working a good life, but in debt? She doesn't call and doesn't care (logical reasoning..) so I'm basically the only "sane" one in the family.
I'm trying to convince my father to get SOME kind of supportive job, leave this place and live with my brother in some cheap place in Flushing. My mother will always reign her frustration and anger, "you are all living off me" attitude, but she'll only drive my father crazy and make my brother's recovery slower. (in my opinion)
+About my academia
When I graduated from high school last year, I was ready with a plan. I was going to a religious institute to learn intensive Arabic and Quran and Islam for a year. It was a program in Texas. I was raising money in secret from my mother. My father was ready to let me go.
My mother found out and threw the community into chaos. She argued with everyone and convinced them that I was "brainwashed" and "trying to runaway" and "didn't a mother have a right to stop her child from going away". To avoid everyone going crazy because of me, I gave up on that and even gave in to her demands to go to polytechnic. She paid the tuition and everything on the spot, sending to me to live on campus. I got accepted into the universities I applied, but delayed the acceptance for a year. I wanted to study law or journalism (originally), but I applied pharmacy to a couple of schools, too. My dream school was NYU. Since it was too late to go to one of the schools I had originally applied to, it was September and they didn't have seats left, I agreed.
I ended up liking poly. Computer Engineering is really hard for me. I struggle through calculus II and complicated maths like linear algebra. I'm not gifted like some children. Every grade I get, I've earned through hours and hours of hard work. People have talent, but I think my talent is just my determination. I just keep trying until I get it. The only thing that comes with a natural gift is writing english and even that, it's not like I haven't worked on it.
I accepted all that because I thought, I like technology. If there's something I have to do with the rest of my life, if it's engineering, it's interesting enough and exciting that I can bring myself to do it. Maybe after engineering undergrad, I can take the LSAT and apply to law in grad school. Something like that, you know? Always hopeful.
+At the moment
I don't even want to go to college come September, knowing I'll be paying with mom's money. I feel like she uses the fact that she's paying to make up for all these years of neglect and all the current abuse. Like just because she's paying, it's okay to throw my things, pull my hair, or threaten me. I hate that.
At the same time, I know the amount of money is ridiculous. I'm looking into transfer options. My dad's willing to send me wherever I want to go. I'm fortunate that I have one parent at least, who supports me.
I want to continue my education, but just something about a state school irks me. I'm willing to go out of my comfort zone to a school abroad or in another state, granted it's not a waste of time and is on par with the level of my current university. Maybe it's just my pride? But I worked hard. I don't want to go to a school that someone with a 2.0 high school gpa went to when I could have easily cruised through high school, but chose to put so much effort and graduate with honors.
I transferred high schools three times. 9th grade - one school, the second half of 9th until 10th - another, and finally, public school from 11-12. And despite being a transfer, I graduated in the top 30% of a class of 2000+ kids. Transferring doesn't scare me. I know I'll adapt to change. It's kind of sad, but I know that I can accept any environment. Currently "my room" consists of the east corner of my dad's bed room. My bed is a bunch of stuffings on the floor lined by suitcases and a window on one side and my dressing table + bookshelf arranged like an L.
A picture of my corner (: As you can see, I can't even open my drawers fully >_< but you don't see me complaining. I'm happy.
I've been raised by my dad and my surroundings very well. I will adapt and be happy with what little I have. That's just my personality ;~~~;
+The Questions
I don't know what I can do for my father or brother right now. I'm just a sophomore. I don't even know how to drive yet (Dad just never had time to teach me). When I'm at home for vacation, my dad acts like I'm a sheltered child and won't even let me take the trains or buses (>.<).
I've researched colleges abroad. My backup right now is McGill. It's my father and sister's alumni and I'm basically guaranteed admission with my grades. I'm a Canadian citizen so the tuition costs are ~ 6,000. And if I choose McGill, my dad says he will move to Montreal with me. I just don't know if I'm ready for a complete change like that, you know?
My other option is local, SUNY StonyBrook's computer science program.
There are other schools with computer engineering, but very expensive. There's schools in UK that are cheaper, but because UK's schooling system is different, only some of my credits will transfer. I looked at schools in Asia, HKUST and KAIST for example are popular Asian technology schools. I'm not worried about living in Korea or Hong Kong. I can already write a bit of Mandarin and could easily learn Korean if I put my effort in it. (Linguistics, like I said, is fun and easy for me). College seems cheaper abroad, including the expenses of living and the estimated expenses of food, shopping, etc.
But I don't know anything about the world. If I study abroad for the last two years and get a foreign degree, can I come back here and get a job at a place like Apple or Microsoft for programming or computer hardware design like I planned? Is it the same value of a degree, a NY state college, NYU-POLY, or KAIST (for example) ?
I wish I had that kind of knowledge. If I go off to some foreign college, get my degree for cheaper, and return, would I have wasted two or three extra years?
I'm so confused. Both the familial situation, the assumed responsibility of my brother and father and my mother's pressure really sticks in my mind. I didn't do so well in terms of grades freshman year, but second semester, I pulled everything up to As and Bs. I made some great friends who are like, for the first time ever, like family. I feel like I've matured, being able to live on my own, pick up after myself, watch my budget, and study on my own. I also had to handle my family issues at campus and they often called while fighting at home or brought the fights over to campus when they came to visit (almost once a week, it was insane).
+For Advice
Just any general confidence-boosting ideas would be great. Right now all of this is clouding my mind. I tried to land a summer job, but with my mothers "you will never be able to take a bus and go to work you're useless" rants and my dad's "I don't think you should work in Manhatten and take the train every day", I just gave up trying to fight back. I'm spending my summer studying over the material ahead for next semester, working on a novel I've left for a year, and brushing up on basic IT skills like video editing, programming, web design. I also have plans to set up my own website for resumes sake and am working on that business venture, club paperwork for a girltalk club at poly, and little things like scholarships searching.
At the same time, I'm at a loss of what to do for transferring and/or financial aid. Here and there, I pick up bits and pieces of advice on the internet of how to become independent from your parents financially. I'm going to have a job on campus next semester as TA and possibly a writing consultant as well. (Things at campus are really looking up because I've been working so hard), but I don't want to rely on my mom's money. I also feel that taking 40,000 a year for two more years as loans will be suicidal by the time I graduate.
According to stats, my school's graduate average salary is 60,000, so everyone's like "oh you can pay it off easy" but I don't want to be so naive to think I can pay off 100,000+ loans AND the interest that will pile up..
I feel like I grew up a lot over these last two months, being on my own and thinking about these things, but I'm not entirely grown up.
I've talked to my dad and he's generally cordial with me about whatever decision I make. He wants me to research and make the decisions about college or finances, etc.
The reason I'm writing all this here to get your advice is being I feel like I'm still too naive and don't understand much about the world. I would like to hear your opinions on what I should, what options I have, or what you think would be a good idea. If you know something about colleges abroad vs. US colleges, please do say!
One thing I've learned over the years is that I never feel any shame asking for help, because I will admit, readily, that I'm incapable of so many things and it's only learning from others and picking up good habits, being determined, and putting effort that has got me so far.
+happy tidbit so you don't feel bad+
OHYEAH. I think I found someone I really really like. Usually my crushes only last about a month or so, but I've liked this guy since I met him. It's been like 6+ months ;~; We have arguments now and then. There was a point when he said that I was acting like his girlfriend and I should stop, around that time I was like FINE YOU JERK and totally ignored him for more than a week. He came back and started to talk to me and was all nice and sweet (it was funny!). He never apologized, but through his actions he did. At some point, everyone around us was like "Oh you make such a good couple" and neither of us seemed to mind. We were spending a lot of time together, haha, so it made me people think I guess. We're both opposites. He thinks with logic, I think with emotions, but we both are determined and competitive. At one point, he used to answer questions for me to people and make plans for me while I was right there, so I told him "dude, stop acting like my boyfriend." It was funny because it was the same thing I did, get too comfortable.
Then once we were watching this movie where the girl gets married to another guy, but tells the guy that was her best friend all her life, "I'll miss you buddy." After that, he started calling me "buddy." which I shortened to "bud" and another friend made into "bro". So apparently, he's my bro. And in his definition, all of his friends that are my friends too (like our small circle of friends are my "bros") LOL.
This one night I was upset and he was like what's wrong? I didn't really want to talk so he just hung around randomly (trying to cheer me up?). It got late and everyone wanted to watch a movie, but he wanted to sleep. I was like, don't go. And he was like "you've got other bros here, don't worry." It made me laugh.
Now we're like super comfortable, like brother sister, I guess? We talk about life and stuff. Next semester, we'll be in all the same classes. He always tutors me in math, saying "You work so hard that I can't say no. Whenever you work hard and you only get a 70, I feel so bad." (LOL) And I tutor him in English (he's an international chinese student) and check his essays for him. We go out to eat with our friends and play basketball.
He's really playful, but he really moody, too, so I don't understand him very well. I thought we weren't so close, but he introduced me to his friends from China and they were like, "Oh you're his NY best friend!" And I was like... I am? I think he just doesn't express emotions well... Hah~ And he keeps a lot to himself.
A picture of us ! I was so chubby then T.T I swear, I lost weight! Haha c:
Recently, he asked me, "how is it that you're so thankful for everything you have?"
I thought that was really sweet. Because it made me realize that he, like the few of my college friends (roommates included), really understand me well. (: I think I finally made friends worth for life~
ANYWAYS. I wanted you to know that, too! Because not everything is going badly for me ^^
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If you read ALL THAT and you still love me~ THANK YOU ;~;
