INTEREST CHECK Rp World Creator- ( enlisiting creative commentary, and constructive criticism)

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by dasgroob, Jul 5, 2012.


does this idea seem like

  1. a good roleplay idea

    2 vote(s)
  2. a good novel idea

    0 vote(s)
  3. both

    2 vote(s)
  4. trash it

    0 vote(s)
  1. I am working on a creating a whole world for one of my projects. and i need constructive criticisms from people. I am novelist by trade and I am attempting to create my own fantasy story or roleplay I havent decided which one just yet. This thread will be filled with an outline of this project and will be quite long, I thank you before hand if you read through it all and give me your honest opinion, and if you have any question dont be afraid to ask me I know the outline has some holes and i should have the answer for you. And tell me if it would be a good roleplay Idea

    The three kingdoms of the north
    Helzia- an ancient land where the people worship the gods of old.
    Kron- a medieval land ruled by a mighty king and filled with a people who worship the three metals of Auron.
    Tower city- A city built around a tower founded by a blind scientist who finally controlled a vicious virus.

    Kingdom Breakdowns
    I. Ruling Class
    *Pharoh- Appointed by paternal succession.
    *Pharoh's advisors- Usally appointed by the Pharoh himself.
    * High Priest- The religious advisor to the pharoh. He is in charge of all worship and overseeing of the production on temples.
    * General- The war advisor. He is in charge of the standing army and navy and the construction of national defenses.
    * Viceroy- The Pharohs right hand and second in power only to the pharoh himself.
    2. Kron
    * king- Religiously appointed leader of the land.
    * Queen- Second in power and prestige only to the king.
    * Lords- Govenors to the surrounding lands.
    King's court-4 king appointed lords who advise and inform the king in different
    * lord of war- appointed by the king to inform in times of war.
    * lord of religion- given the title of archbishop upon appointment.usally heavily religious. appointed to advise and inform in the ways of religion.
    * lord of state- appointed by the king to advise and inform him in the ways of the land.
    * lord of time- appointed by the king to keep him inform about the goings on in the castle.
    3. Tower city
    * spiral corperation- the creators of tower city and the destroyers of the pheonix virus.
    * President- The leader and C.E.O of Spiral corperation.
    * Vice president- The co leader of Spiral corperation, answers only to the president.
    * Board of directors- Hand picked representatives of the people who pass laws written by the president for the people.
    II. Class System
    1. Helzia
    * Pharoh- God appointed ruler of the land. includes his family.
    * Priest- the speaker of the gods words.
    * Commoners- the working class people.
    * Slaves- Any person captured in battle.
    2. Kron
    * Royals- the king and his family.
    * Lords- The governing lords and the kings court.
    * Bishops- The highest religious figures.
    * Priests- common religious figures
    * commoners- the working class people.
    3.Tower city
    *Spiral corperation- any member of spiral corperation
    * Code A - Non- infected residents of tower city
    * Immergrants- people form other nations
    * code b- the infected residents. used mostly in experiments and militaty operations.

    1. Helzia
    * polytheistic people. worship multipule gods.
    *Major gods
    * Tham (Ta-am)- sun goddess,bringer of day, creator of life
    * Basomel ( Baas-o-mel)- water god, giver of knowledge
    * Ahtesempo ( Ah-tes-empo)- Earth goddess, giver of beauty
    * Arhk (Ark)- God of light, bringer of night, bringer of death
    * minor gods
    * Ises ( es-ses)- goddess of the rain, the healer
    * Mathyo ( Ma-thigh-oh)- god of the wind, the harvester
    * Crhyo ( Cry-oh)- goddess of wine, the entertainer
    * Tis & Poe ( Tiz) (Poe)- Goddesses of rest, the mischievious ones
    2. Kron
    * They worship the 3 metals of Auron, that are used in the creation of the wall of Auron and the fortresses.
    * Kull- A light metal used for its mallibilty and strength.
    * spur- a heavy liquid metal used for its strong bonding and reflective properties.
    * Iron- a hard heavy metal used for its strength.
    3. Tower city
    * monotheistic. They worship the creator of the cure, Dr. Mercury Eastwater,who is now the president of Spiral Corperation.
    * Dr. Mercury Eastwater- The creator of the Cerberus vaccine. he was blinded in both eyes at a young age by the Pheonix virus. He since then dedicated his life to finding a cure for it.

    IV. Landmarks
    1. Helzia
    * Jungle of Ahtesempo- A huge jungel supposedly hiding the lost temple of Ahtesempo.
    * Temple of Basomel- Built by the old dynasty priests as a tribute to the water god. also used as a place of worship.
    * Pyrimid of Ahrk - Built as a burial chamber for what is known as "the body of Ahrk".
    Grand pyrimid palace of Tham- Originally built as a tribute pyrimid to the goddess Tham, it was mysteriously sealed before its completion. Years later the Pharoh Tetsuahkem
    (tet-sue-ah-kem) had a palace of solid gold erected around the pyrimid. it is now used as the royal palace.
    2. Kron
    * Wall of Auron- Built by the late king Auron. Its purpose was to protect Kron from invasion during times of war. It has since then become a staple of the kingdoms engineering.
    * Gwyndollin Lake- Named after the wife of king Auron, this crystal clear lake is the source of all three holy metals.
    * Fortress of spur- A huge fortress used as a place of worship and a defense system.
    * Fortress of kull_ a huge fortress used as a place of worship and a defense system.
    * Fortress of iron- A huge fortress used a a place of worship and a defense system.
    * castle of a thousand nights- Located on Gwyndollin lake, this castle was built by king Auron as a homesteads for the royal family, it has since then become the center of the country's power.
    * Purification lanes- created to purify the 3 holy metals for use in construction and religious cerimonies.
    3. Tower city
    * Spiral Tower- the headquarters of Spiral corperation. many experiments took place here during the Pheonix flood.
    * Gate A- The only gate in and out of Tower city. It was heavily used during the Pheonix flood to filter out all the infected from non infected.
    * Sector 17- The outskirts of the city where the Pheonix virus still exsists. Also used as a training and holding area for code b citizens.
    4. Other landmarks
    * the ice caps- located to the northwest, it has not really been explored beyond the port town of Myson.
    * the Island of origins- Located to the northeast this island contains reminants of every culture. Also reffered to as the Deadlands.
    * The ruins- located on the northern tip of the island of origins, these ruins are mysterious and nothing is known about them.
    * the shadowfeilds- located on the southern tip of the island of origins these feilds are the object of many tales.. the sun never shines here, it is always dark. Shadowlike beings have been seen wondering about. many people believe that is place is the afterlife.
    * the hanging tree- the only true living thing on the island of origins. this tree is said to be the overseer of the dead. the gaurdian of the afterlife. it is located in the heart of the shadowfeilds.
    Countries in depth: Helzia
    I. Religion
    *Tham ( ta-am)- The sun goddess, creator of life, bringer of day. mother of Ahtesempo, Cryho, Ises,and the ruler of the heavens.
    *Ahrk (ark)- The god of light. the bringer of night, the bringer of death. Father to Ahtesempo, Cryho, Ises, Tis & Poe. The ruler of the underworld. he was banished there by his sister after he tricked her into having an heir, but he was never born a son.
    *Basomel ( baas-o-mel) - the god of water and knowledge, brother to Tham, husband to Ahtesempo. father of Mathyo. got in a huge battle with his brother Ahrk over the legitimacy of his parenthood of Mathyo. Ahrk claimed Mathyo for himself. during the battle Basomel lost his left hand in the sea, causing a huge tidal wave the sunk an island.
    *Ahtesempo ( ah-tes-empo)- Goddess of earth and beauty. Daughter of Tham, Wife to Basomel, mother of Mathyo. the next in line for the throne of heaven.
    * ises ( es-ses)- Goddess of rain and the healer. Daughter of Tham. her jealousy for her sister is well known amoungst the gods.
    Mathyo ( ma- thigh- oh)- god of the wind and the harvest. Son of Ahtesempo and Basomel. Once kidnapped by his uncle Ahrk and claimed as his son, he fell in love with poe and willed her to marry him. but he was returned to heaven before the cermony could take place.
    Crhyo (cry-oh) - Goddess of wine and entertainment. Daughter of Tham and Ahrk.
    Tis (tiz) & Poe (poe) - Goddesses of rest and mischief. Daughters of Tham and Ahrk. When Mathyo was kidnapped Poe fell in love with him but was never married to him due to Basomel's inteference.

    II. Cultural events
    Sacoba- 2 days of tribute to the god of the harvest.
    Notuba ceremony- the crowning of a new Pharoh.
    Lisopel- three days of food and drink as a tribute to the goddess Crhyo

    III. Governmet setup
    Pharoh- the highest authority in the land. serves as judge and jury in high cases.
    Pharoh Tasemhotep III
    general- the leader of the army.
    general Ozehotep
    county overseers- the enofrcers of the pharoh's law in thier respective counties.
    The red valley- Trasohem
    Grand range- Senkatsu
    Imsu deep- Plarakento
    Arid valley- Mentokhem

    IV. Military
    *Galtorix- The Pharohs personal body guards
    *Recordium- the navy
    *Serahotsul- the standing army

    Countries In depth : Kron
    I. Religion
    Worships the 3 metals of Auron. Each metal has its own fortress and designated preists. each preist purifys thier own metal for use in religious cerimonies.
    * The priests of kull- Located at the fortress of Kull. these priests have been known to inject the liquid state of this metal into thier veins. due to the properties of this metal with every drop of blood that comes in contact with the metal, its strength is increased tenfold.
    *The preists of spur- Located at the fortress of spur These priests have been blinded by the properties of this metal. but in turn for thier loss of eyesight, they have increased thier other senses and have gained psyhic abilites.
    * Priests of iron- located at the fortress of iron, these priests are known for thier skill and beauty in thier weapon crafting.

    II. Cultural events
    * feast of Auron- a large country wide feast dedicated to the life of king Auron.
    * The great hunt- The passing of a boy into a man. at the age of 13 the boys of any village are sent out for four days to hunt down and bring back the wings of a griffin.
    * Coronation ceremony- the crowning of a new king or queen into power.

    III. Government set up
    *King- the highest and only authority in the land, creator of laws. head of all military operations
    king- Auron II
    *General- the second in command miltary wise.
    General- Barron Equil Dupont
    Queen- The second highest authority in the land. gains control in the kings absence.
    queen- Lady Tersa Moore
    The Archbishop- The highest religious authority in the land. usally a member of the king's court.
    Archbishop Father Carpal IV
    The king's court- Advisors to the king, the serve as govenors of thier lands.
    members of the king's court
    * Backlands- Lord Vigorn
    * Valley- Lord Stephson
    * blackfeilds of Dior- Lord Barron Equil Dupont
    * Fortress graveyard- Archbishop Father Carpal IV

    IV. Military
    The king's men- The king's personal guard
    Armada blue- the navy
    Knights of metal- The standing army
    Preists of Kull- The priests of Kull. used for thier massive strength.

    Countries In depth: Tower city
    I. Religion
    Dr. Mercury Eastwater- The Creator of the Cerberus vaccine and once a victim of the Pheonix virus. He lost his eyesight just before the final stages of the Pheonix. he used the Cerberus vaccine on himself. With his successful Antidote he created Spiral corperation in order to restore health and prospertiy to the world. To date his Cerberus vaccine has cured over 137 million people

    II. Cultural Events
    * Daily restore- A daily event that involves a mandatory pill be taken by all those who were infected but cured.
    * Phase shifts- a monthly occurance where Spiral tower flips on its axsis and turns counter clockwise, shifting the city with it.
    III. Government set up
    Ruled by Spiral corperation
    * The president- The head of Spiral Corperation. every action must be aprroved by him
    president-Dr.Mercury Eastwater
    *The vice president- second in power. takes over in the presidents absence.
    Vice president- Syrus Dice
    * Boardmembers- In charge of controlling the daily operations and vocing for the masses.
    board members- Thomas Flash, Dr. Vincent Tulane, Saint Willowhill
    IV. Military
    * General- Saint Willowhill
    Valkiryes- All female gaurds for Spiral corperation
    S.T.I.F.F agents ( subject to inferno foundation force)- They Are enforcers of the inferno articles.
    Vikings- the internal Tower city ground troops. Equipped with special Cereberus vaccine suits, they can go in and out of sector 17 at will.
    Sector 17 beserkers- all trained code b soldiers
    pawns- all non trained code b's

    Law Articles: the creeds of the Pharoh
    I. all people being of sound mind and body that do harm onto others that result in death, which is not sanctioned by the Pharoh himself shall be put to death.
    II. All peoples that attempt to garner means of monetary gain from the Pharoh shall be sentanced by the Pharoh himself.
    III.Any and all people that question the Pharoh shall be charged with treason and put to death.
    IV. Country overseers have the authority to add and enforce these creeds as long as passed by the Pharoh himself

    Law Articles: The Commandments of Auron
    * written by the great king Auron during the construction of the wall.
    I. Those whom question the rule of the king shall be beheaded.
    II. Any and all people who do not pay thier taxes to the king and the church shall be taken into custody and prosecuted.
    III. These Laws are cemented and can only be altered by the king

    Law Articles: The Inferno articles
    * written by the 5 members of Spiral corperation. these articles were written as the foundation for the restoration of society. There are certain rights written into these articles, giving certain freedoms to the citizens of tower city.

    Art.I- No non-militiary code A citizen of tower city, cured, or non infected shall venture into sector 17. no exceptions taken. Those who violate this article are taken into custody until rightful foundation where upon proven quilty will be subject to punishment.
    1a.- any code b citizen of sector 17 are not permitted under any circumstances to venture into Tower city. any citizen to do so will be immeadiatly executed.
    Art.II- Any and all objects or situations that provoke the feelings of: Anger, jealousy, pain, horror. will be taken into custody and destroyed. the immeadiate removal of any and all relationships is vital. any person(s) that do not abide by this article will be taken into custody and be personally founded ( and upon being found gulity) punished by the corperation's leaders.
    Art.III- No one ( unless by personal request by the corperation's founders) shall enter Spiral tower. Those who do are to be taken into custody and kept until rightful foundation, where upon being proven guilty will be sent to sector 17 for processing.
    * The Inferno rights:
    Right 1- Citizens are allowed brief sexual relationships to fulfil thier natural urges and reason.
    right 2- All citizens are allowed 3 missed daily restores before taken to secotr 17 for processing
    right 3- citizens are allowed forms of entertainment that dont provoke the feelings of anger, jealousy, pain, horror. If by any means these feelings are provoked, that form of entertainment shall be revoked and destroyed, and any involved int the portrayal of these feelings shall be sent off to sector 17 for processing

    Charecters In depth: Helzia
    Pharoh Tetsemhotep III- Born in the year of the sun, he took the throne at the age of 18 from his father pharoh Testsemhotep II who was slaughtered in battle by by Barron Dupont. He has one brother Ozehotep, who id the general of the army. he has never married.
    General Ozehotep-Younger brother to the Pharoh, he was given the rank of general by his brother. he wishes he was in power instead of his brother, but to him blood is thicker than power.
    Trasohem- Appointed county overseer to the red valley. this young women is smart and beautiful, but highly dependant on the pharoh's generosity to help provide for her young brother Vertosem, who was badly wounded in battle.
    Senkatsu- once one of the legendary members of the galtorix, he was given upon his retirement the title of county overseer to the grand range. he is widely respected by all in Helzia. He is wise, respectful and collected.
    Plarakento- Hyper and outgooing this young women was appointed by the pahroh upon her father's death to take the postion of county overseer to Imsu deep. smart yet extremely hyper she brings a spark of life to her superiors and is not afraid to speak her mind.
    Mentokhem- the youngest Appointed overseer in the history of Helzia. He feels as if he has big shoes to fill. He is headstrong and stubborn. he puts the good of the kingdom before all. he was appointed by the pharoh to become county overseer to the arid valley due to his dedication to the kingdom.

    Charecters In depth: Kron
    King Auron II-Son of the late Great King Auron. He wishes to be greater than his father and will stop at nothing to do so.
    Queen Lady Tersa Moore- Part of the Moore lineage, her father gave her to the king as a present for his birthday. she was married against her will to him, and out of fear has stayed.
    General Barron Equil Dupont- Widely known as " blood and bones Dupont" or "Barron bones," due to his large collection of human bones that he masses in his castle. Hes is known as the greatest and bloddiest genral in history. His victims include Pharoh Tetsemhotep II. He was placed in power by the great king Auron and upon his death was given the option to retain his title and accepted. He is ruthless and agressive, and easily agitated. He is also the lord of the Blackfeilds of Dior.
    Archbishop Father Carpal IV- A highly Religious individual, he has Knowledge of all 3 Preisthoods, himself coming from the preists of Kull. Brought into power by the king Auron due to his dedication to the church. he was only recently appointed lord of the fortress graveyard.
    Lord Vigorn- Lord of the backlands, he is extremely egotistical and just as wealthy. he is very condesending and has been known to commit crimes but get away with them.
    Lord Stephson- Lord of the Valley. He is the apitomy of chivalry. well liked by everyone his young desire and handsome face make him a target for the ladys. He is very Immature when it comes to his duties.

    Charecters In depth: Tower city
    Dr. Mercury Eastwater-Founder of Spiral corperation and the creator of the cerberus vaccine. he was infected by the pheonix virus at a young age. he experimented with medicines to cure him, which he umtimaly did, but he had already lost his eyesight. He founded Spiral corperation in order to stop the spread of the virus, not knowing that he could instead control it.. His main an ultimate go is a stabel and controlled society free of the virus. he is wise and concered for the weill being of others, but it seems at times he has darker motives. He is regarded as a savior and a saint to his people.
    Syrus Dice-His family immergrated to tower city during the Pheonix flood, he unfortunalty once the only curable member of his family. his mother, sister and 2 younger brothers were all lost in sector 17. he is dedicated to the betterment of himself and society.
    Thomas Flash- A very decorated war veteran. He once served as the leader of S.T.I.F.F. like syrus his family also immergrated to tower city, but he was the only one to survive. His wife and 2 daughters were killed in the Gate b massacre.
    Dr. Vincent Tulane-He found that by using the cerberus vaccine you could control the Pheonix Virus indefinatly. Not much is know about him or his family, all of which are still in sector 17. He is a recluse and not very social.
    Saint Willowhill- A very young and promising genral. He is charge of all secotr 17 operations and is the creator of the Cerberus vaccine Filter system which is fitted into the maks of all viking troops that allow the to venture back and forth into sector 17 with fear of contamination.
    Gavin Dushane- Leader of S.T.I.F.F he lost his right eye in the raid on gate b just after the massacres that took place there. extremely straight foreward and dictating. he gets the job done regardless of the risks.
    Ryse Dimillo- Leader of the valkiryes. she will gladly give a limb for spiral corperation, given the right price.
    Echo Green-General Willowhill's best friend and trusted solider. leader of the vikings second in military command, but equally talented. he is the only code b citizen that is allowed into tower city due to his mutated form of the Pheonix virus, that will not spread.

    Landmarks In Depth: Of note
    The grand Pyrimid Palace of Tham- Originally built as a Tribute to the sun goddess Tham it was mysteriously sealed before its completion. The Pahroh Tetsuahkem Had a palace of solid gold erected around the unfinished pyrimid, whose enclosed contents are unknown. It is Rumored to hold the head of Tham herself.
    Spiral Tower- Desigend by Dr. Mercury Eastwater, it is the headquarters of Spiral corperation. It is Worked into the city's grid. It also goes through What is known as phase shifts, where the tower itself flips on its axsis and turns counter clockwise, shifting the city with it.this is done to ensure that the mixture in the cerberus vaccine is spread evenly.
  2. Hi! 8D I think you should join and post about this in our world builder group! Hopefully you can get some good comments and help from other members who really love world construction!
  3. I am still interested in this idea. <3 Just saying.
  4. I absolutely LOVE Rp ideas that have been this thought out! :D I say go for it! I would join, but sadly as of right now I have my fingers full of Rps :(
  5. Haha lucky your Mitten. :D I have role plays I've replied to and haven't heard replies in WEEKS. Haha so I'm looking for more. Especially since I can reply fast if I use my computer and I like being constantly busy with roleplays. :3

    I say bring this on. It sounds challenging and amazing and adventurous all in one. You can honestly do a LOT with this idea. And I agree with Mitten. This is well thought out. It's also rare to actually find those.
  6. so if I put this up as a roleplay you think i would get some good feedback, and interest in it?
  7. If I may, here's my two cents.

    The world you have made is very detailed, very thought-out and, I must say, very creative. I think it is good as it is. Kudos to you for creating a wonderful world wherein I myself would love to participate.

    I speak from experience when I say this, however, and make sure you don't include everything here on the roleplay OOC. I did that once, on another roleplay website. The entire first page of the thread was devoted to information very much like yours. However, apparently, this scared away even the RP elites due simply to the sheer amount of information to digest. When I asked about it, I was told, in no gentle manner, that because of the amount of information I put up about it, that it was "better suited for a novel than a roleplay"

    That said, I believe you can condense much of the information about the finer workings of the world, to make it more conducive to a wider audience.
  8. This is an awesome setup and incredibly well thought out. The variety of civilizations you created is intriguing. I have a couple of questions, though.
    These countries... are they far apart? Have they influenced each other in their development?

    Oh, and those are really just for you to think about... I mean, this could become a novel series. Seriously. Maybe, for starting an/some RP/s in this world, include a more brief explanation in the OOC thread. I would suggest you have all of your more in-depth information on the web and linked to whatever stories you want to RP, just so that people can brush up on specifics when/if they need to.
  9. Definitely seconding the advice that you join the world building group.