I woke up, of course, with the sensation of someone trying to turn my brain to mush.
Surprisingly, it was in fact what was happening.
I fazed out of existence, making the man stomp the bed instead and crushing the thing under his boot. Good thing I put those protective wards over my bed before I went out for festivities. I had expected some frivolous bounty hunter would try to kill me, sure, but already? Seriously cut a guy some fucking slack! I was rather pleased I remembered to place it, though. You're only paranoid if your suspicions are unfounded: Words to live by. For me, it's rather easy to say any sort of precaution in place to avoid death was based on undeniable fact. Simply put, I killed someone very important to someone very powerful. Let's leave it at that, ya? I don't want to bore you with the why's and the who's.
Hmm? Oh yes, the story!
I had been partying rather heavily the previous night and for the split second it took for the three fine gentlemen who attempted to kill me to notice I had blinked towards the door to notice me, I entertained a rather amusing idea. I was a legend back home, you see. If you believed the pubs who spread the rumours, and subsequently the thousands upon thousands of rumourmongers that simply live off people like me stirring up the fear in people's hearts, I'd either be a dragon king with enough power to change my shape to that of a simple Pale Elf, even though it would've been so much fucking smarter to just turn human. I'd also be a bloodthirsty monster who claims virgins as his brides and feeds my own children to demons. That one made me laugh, believe me. The most recent story was that I was simply a force of nature, the will of our world, if you would. I met some of those things, they're considerably less chatty.
Yes yes just give me a bloody moment!
So they all wheeled around, eyes like coins with shock. From the looks of things they didn't pack any antimagic artifacts. Now that was essential for combating even novice mages. That's when I realised they just tried to kill me as a matter of coincidence. They happened to be at the same tavern as I was. They happened to realise I was sleeping in the room above. They happened to make a terrible mistake too. Can't blame them though, I don't think they had a lot going on in there to begin with. Half Orcs, you see.
Ow! Well what was that for? What do you mean they're not stupid! It's not racist if it's true you damn hag! An example? How about that Ruk boy? He hit his head in the glass door, thrice! All in the same attempt! Don't have much to say now, now do you? Now shut up and listen to my story!
So there they stood, eyes wide like coins, and one of them charges at me with a broken mug! Yes I know! Imbecile! So I did what any other prestigious Archmage does. I simply made him vanish. The others ran away, but realised I was at the doorway. So they did the smart thing. They jumped out the fuck window. Again, incredi-
OH WOULD YOU SHUT UP YOU DAMN BRATS! I'M ALMOST DONE!
So.... When I went down to look if they were dead, and kill them if they weren't, one hiding behind the wall to the stairway attacked me with a halberd. He attacked me. In a cramped hallway. With a halberd. Let that sink in for a second there. I concluded that he was, in fact, obsessed with the stuff. I turned him into one and gave him to the blacksmith as a showpiece. Then, and only then, did I remember the date. First of April. April Fools. The shoes of the man that had tried to stomp me was enchanted to be as soft as a bed of feathers. The mug? Filled with honey and feathers, they simply didn't want to waste a mug they could be using for the patrons down under
It's not that fucking funny! I thought you were against the bloody story! Here... Just give me that fucking dragon scale and I'll be off. Well what do you mean it doesn't count if they're crying! I told them the story!
Wait, you serious?...... Oh dear....... Ruk, my boy. I was simply joking. I know you were just trying to see if the glass was real. It's a perfectly intelligent thing to do, I assure you.
Well, I tried.
Not good enough? I tried my best, thank you fucking much! Look, if he won't accep-
WELL KINDLY GO FUCK YOURSELF! I GET A HEARTBURN FOR A WEEK DOING THAT!
Fine, nobody wants that. You're giving me four when I get back
Really? I should've asked for more.
Ruk, my boy, let me show you how I can turn into a dragon! Wouldn't that make you smile again?
Fucking Bitch
No Nothing! Nothing at all!