Problems With Connections?

[Deer Boi]

{Before I start this off, I would like to say that I basically wasted a good 15 minutes typing out a vent about something on this topic, but this time I'm phrasing this more towards wanting advise than just venting. (I only say this because I might reference information from the other post (which is private now...) in this post, so I'm sorry if I randomly bring up info that might not make sense ^^;}
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I have been noticing in various forms that I a turning into a lonely, moping person. I used to be very peppy and bubbly, now I have become blunt and irritable with my depression. To me, it is hard to get people's attention when I want it. Wether it be phrasing or them flat out not hearing me (I'm soft spoken and talk VERY quietly), I feel as if people flat out don't listen to me.

Like most human beings: I get lonely. When I am lonely, I seek out attention.

When I seek out this attention, no one will give me this attention!

A few days go by...

Then a week...

And people are still ignoring me.

This is where I snap, push people away, and get into the mood where I just want to end it all (It's never fun to want to hurt or end your life, but it happens probably once a month. But I don't really want to get into this, since I have people that I have to talk to about this sort of stuff...)

After this mood passes, I go right back to acting normal. The sadness is gone, and I try to suck it up so that I can try finding friends or people to talk with so that I won't get lonely again.

And truth be told: It happens yet again in a similar fashion, but with a different reason that ranges from various different things, but always stemming from being ignored.

Getting back on track, I am starting to feel that maybe I just am not cut out for having friends or having a relationship. I feel like I piss everyone off, or that people would rather talk with someone else than with me.

It's hard to suck it up and not push back when everyone won't give you what you want. Before when I was younger, I was passive. So passive, that I couldn't even express to someone how I felt. The only thing that came out of my mouth for so long was "I don't know". If someone talked to me about something that I liked, it was like I was Siri being told to read a dictionary out loud.

Now that I am more outgoing, I tend to try to talk more about topics that people don't really ever think about, and debate various other things. Which... Leads to so many arguments, that just make me wish that I couldn't express myself anymore.

I just don't know where I should go or what I should do, honestly. All I know is that I want to make friends, and I want to find someone to call my partner.... But it isn't as easy as people try to make it out to!

I'm guarded from my past, and I got lucky breaks in the past. It seems as though you find things when you aren't looking, but never when you are looking. It is funny how the universe works that way, but... It makes it harder and harder to get out of bed and remind yourself that possibly this could happen, or possibly this could happen. All I can do is daydream of how happy I will be once I have friends, but I'm also haunted by being teased with this as well (I've been having nightmares while I sleep about friends and romantic partners... It's sort of like a slap in the face.)

Anyways, I probably sound like some 13 year old girl who wants to be like Bella Swan from Twilight and is looking for her Edward.

I just... I am having a rough time being a lone wolf and looking for friends and a partner. I'm trying to build a house with no foundation here, and I don't know how to make said foundation since I'm not a [censor]-ing Bob the Builder!
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*Long needed inhale.*​

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I'm lost, and I'm confused since I am going in circles everywhere now...

:(​

 

[Mari]

I can understand the need for attention, but perhaps if you are not getting it where you currently try to get it from, perhaps a change of scenery is needed? If a friend is what you need, in any form, sometimes you might find them where and when you least expect it!

 

[Kagayours]

All I can say is: it's easy to think you're just an annoyance to other people, but that probably isn't the case. I bet people value you more than you think. Or at least, they probably don't hate you as much as you think. :P

Here's a thought: After getting into one of these arguments you mentioned, and then regretting it, have you ever just... apologized? And honestly told the other person that you regretted it? That can be a huge step in a good direction. If it happened with a friend, then you can make up and get on good terms again. If it happened with an acquaintance/stranger, then you can show that you're a decent person who didn't mean to hurt any feelings, and then you might have a good opportunity to become friends.

It's easy to say things you'll regret, but just being honest and open about those regrets might get you farther than you'd think. o.o

 

[Deer Boi]

Here's a thought: After getting into one of these arguments you mentioned, and then regretting it, have you ever just... apologized? And honestly told the other person that you regretted it? That can be a huge step in a good direction. If it happened with a friend, then you can make up and get on good terms again. If it happened with an acquaintance/stranger, then you can show that you're a decent person who didn't mean to hurt any feelings, and then you might have a good opportunity to become friends.

It tends to happen more often with people that I've just met, and they normally respond by blocking me. That makes it hard to apologize, and just makes me feel like a jerk :-/

I can understand the need for attention, but perhaps if you are not getting it where you currently try to get it from, perhaps a change of scenery is needed? If a friend is what you need, in any form, sometimes you might find them where and when you least expect it!

A change of scenery might be hard, since being the "new kid" isn't... really easy on someone. Sometimes it's all fun and dandy, but sometimes it's like you're forcing yourself into a friend group, and that friend group might not want that, which makes things awkward.

I hope that is the case ^^;

 

[Jargo]

Why do you crave those things, have you tried answering that question honestly to yourself?