(I couldn't help but think about running from the law when I saw this.)
Was that a helicopter?!
Simply thinking that pretty much made me piss myself (figuratively). I've been running for about fifteen minutes and I like to think I'm a good runner, but god damn am I tired. And these ruins smell like sewage. Why didn't I run somewhere nicer? Oh yeah, cause there are pissed off cops looking for little ol' me. Thing about cops is that they're cautious, but they don't give up easily. Makes me wish there were more doughnut shops in town to fatten them up so this wouldn't be so hard. You're probably wondering what "this" is. Well it all started when I was in middle school. But I'm not gonna say the whole story from the start. That would take too long.
There's that chopper again.
Okay, getting dangerously close to giving the phrase "pissed myself" a more literal meaning. Of course, I'm lucky this part of town's been demolished, it gives me plenty of places to hide. On the other hand, I don't need to hide, I need to run. Oh right, the story. I'm giving you the short version because I don't want a police flashlight stuck up my ass.
Basically I started stealing shit in middle school and then I realized I was good at it. Now I'm in my late 20's and stealing things has become sort of a hobby. Well, it's more like a side job since I get paid for it. It started with boosting car stereos and has now culminated with me running through some dusty, ruined buildings with a briefcase containing something I can't tell you about. Ugh, I just did that thing where you breathe through your mouth and got a mouthful of dust. Fuck. These. Ruins.
Anyway, the heist itself was going pretty well. Nobody had seen us, and nobody had to get hurt. I like not getting my hands dirty. We got the f-, I mean, Thing and decided it was a good time for us to run our pretty butts outta there. Then the janitor showed up. Out of everything that could go wrong, it just had to be the fucking janitor. We sort of just looked at each other when he dropped his mop and started yelling for help. To make matters worse, one of the guys I happened to be working with thought it'd be a good idea to just fucking shoot the poor guy.
You know, looking back, I never liked him. The other guy, not the janitor. He seemed like one of those assholes that's just looking for an excuse to shoot someone, you know? His gun wasn't even silenced, he just let it rip and every cop from New York to Detroit started to make his way over there with the sole purpose of putting my handsome mug in prison. As for that janitor, even though he blew our cover, I hope he made it out okay. Wasn't his fault he was at the wrong place at the wrong time. Sorry about that, man. I hope you're alright.
I hear barking. I hate dogs.
Another thing about being a cat burglar like me, is you tend to tell yourself, "I'm retiring after this job." I'll admit I was telling myself that earlier, but I probably don't mean. Also, I've already agreed to one other job, so there's that. But it's when you're running over wooden boards older than your grandpa with big bad K-9 units trying to get a taste of your delicious backside that you start reminding yourself not to quit your day job. I know I always do this, but I can't help it. I do data entry during the day and this at night. Well, not every night, but you get the idea. Data entry jobs are boring but at least there isn't the threat of losing parts of your ass down a dog's throat. And if you're wondering why I mentioned my butt so much, it's cause that's the part of you that's pointed at whoever's chasing you most of the time, and I get chased a lot. So I'm a little sensitive about my butt.
I hear a lot of barking. That is a LOT of dogs.
Okay, I may have just let a little pee out this time. Don't know if you've ever been bitten by an angry German Shepard, but it fucking hurts. I have no intention of adding any scars to my collection of "oopsies" and "uh-oh's". That, and getting mauled by a dog is bad for my overall health. Goddamn man, I hate dogs! And I hate helicopters. And fuck. These. RUINS!