Personal Stuff: Funny how a little fear can have a mighty bite.

[Alis_Audāx]

Hello, I know that what I am about to address may not be as harsh as some of the topics that have been brought up in this forum. However, it is something that has been weighing on me the moment I began. I would like to know if anyone has had similar or the same experiences as I have under this subject? or advice in how to deal with the matter. If no one responds that is ok as well, I guess like many this is more for me to let out some of the fears and stressors that are difficult to display outside of myself.

I am scared.

I am scared of failing which does play many forms in my life and I believe a large part of that comes from myself being the eldest child and have certain expectations placed upon myself as being such. I hate to admit it, but majority of my choices have been in hopes to please my parent (which they have). Or in hopes that those choices would lead me to a life of stability and escape from my home life. Now don't get me wrong, my home life is not the worst out there. But it's no white picket fence either. I will not go into the full history of things because it will only make me cry and it would be to long of a post and it is not my main concern at the moment.

So I started graduate school in a specific field of psychology this past January and I hate it. Don't get me wrong I love psychology the field is amazing and the outcome on human health is beneficial. This is concerning solely graduate school. I feel like I don't understand anything. I feel inferior among my cohort and part of me wants to give up. I spend from 1:00 pm - 9:30pm a day working on school work (not including class days, lunch, bathroom, and dinner breaks) attempting to study and yet I feel like I know nothing. I do believe I chose to go to graduate school for myself because it was always drilled into me that more education = more money. More money = living a secured life. However, I am not sure if I am suited for graduate school, I am currently unemployed but will be starting a job/practicum in the summer. I don't know if I will be able to handle all my class work and a job. I feel like there is something wrong in my head the material is not sticking and it takes me so long to understand a method or concept. I don't know if it is the program or the professors or if there is something wrong with me. I am scared that I will fail, I am scared that I have made the wrong choice, I am scared that I will be stuck living in the hood for the rest of my life, I am scared of being stuck living with my family for the rest of my life, I am scared that I will be living from pay check to pay check for the rest of my life, I am scared of failing everyone who depends on me, and I fear that there will never be enough for myself.

Maybe I should have labeled this more of a rant instead of advice wanted.

A part of me wants to continue in graduate school because it has the highest probability of resulting in a better life for myself and my loved one. But a large part of me wants to pursue other things, which have a low to medium probability of resulting in a better life. I don't know, but I am pretty sure I am not the only one feeling this way. Though these feelings may be in the middle of the average curve, for me at this moment in time. They are what I have nightmare about at night, hell I should be getting back to my classwork.

I guess for the time being, I will cry when no one is watching and keep on studying. I miss the beach. I miss my loved one. I want to travel. I want to be happy. I am strong. I am good. I am smiling. I will study. I will be ok.

Thank you

 

[Temet Nosce]

If you want something, you have to take it. Ain't nobody going to give it to you.

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling in class, and the blue star by my name may discourage you from listening to a word I say.

But allow me to tell you I have shoveled enough shit over the years that I think I'm more than qualified to say if it was easy, everyone would do it. Do you think life is going to turn into cruise after college? Fuck naw, then you get to work your ass off and pay back those sexy student loans if you live in the US.

If you like the subject and it's your passion, you should finish school. That's my two cents. I just don't want you to wake up twenty years from now and regret not making as much money as you could because you had a moment of weakness. Tough times don't last, tough people do.

I'm not trying to one up you, but in the past semester alone I have weathered a divorce, missing state in my sport by one place, an abusive relationship, a break up, my grandma dying, a back injury that has taken me out of sports for a month and I'm just now getting back in shape, and other shit. So yes, I'm not being hypocritical when I say you might just want to tough it out. But, honestly, this just depends how bad you want it.

Nothing I say can convince you to do something you don't want to. That's okay though. If you want to enjoy the beach, catch up on lost years, go ahead. Just realize you can't blame anyone other than yourself if it turns out you should have stayed in school. It wasn't your classmate's fault, or anyone's really. You just didn't want it enough.

On the flip side, if you finish graduate school and your miserable the entire time, that's the path you chose as well.

Personally, I wouldn't overthink it. Take it day by day. Embrace the suck, because I'm sure countless others are going through your exact same situation and some are going to drop out and some are going to stay.

It'll all be okay in the end though. Because if it isn't okay, it isn't the end.

 

[LunaValentine]

I kinda feel like you need this. You can do anything, you may feel like you don't understand any of it and it happens. It certainly happened to me and I was just getting my Bachelor's. What Mark says in this video is true, you can do anything as long as you work for it. It may seem like everyone's so much further ahead but if you don't start then you'll never reach the end goal. Graduate school is hard so good on ya for going back to it. Also.....Don't be afraid to fail. The people who really care about you shouldn't care that you've failed because it means you're human. Failing is Terrifying, that's very very true but don't let it turn your hair white. Keep chugging away, remember to get enough sleep, maybe try to exercise or find something you can do to relax for a little while every day. And you know what? If you feel like Graduate school isn't for you.....then don't do it. Save the money. Yes, more education CAN mean you get more money but it can also make it harder to find a job simply BECAUSE you can demand that much money. If you don't think you can manage a job and school then something's gotta give. Start looking around for jobs you might want and see if they actually want someone with a Master's or a Doctorate. Check out the job scene first to decide what you really need. If you can get a job you like with what education you have then stop graduate school, after all it sounds like it's going to be a major strain on you and I KNOW it'll be a major strain on the finances. If you wanna move to a nicer place here's my advice: Scope out prices on apartments, calculate how much you'll need for your bills, rent, and food. Then add maybe a couple hundred to it for a little extra money and you've got how much about you need per month, multiply it by 12 and you've got how much you need if you're salaried. You went into Psychology, that's a decent paying field depending on what you do. Also, if you find it costs too much in the city you live in to go to a nicer area.....think about moving. States and cities vary for their prices on housing, trust me on that one. And hey, the important thing in life is to be happy....for YOU to be happy. Not make everyone else happy. Okay?

Not sure how much this little chunk of text will help but I hope you find what you need right now in your life. I hope you can find a decision that makes you happy.

 

[Alis_Audāx]

Thank you both for responding to my rant, and what you both wrote is absolutely correct. I do agree with @Cowboy and @LunaValentine everything that the both of you wrote hold true for many aspects of an individual's life. During my time of writing the rant I was having a moment of a need to vent. This happened to be the place that I ended up venting but I am glade to receive these responses. What you both wrote has only solidified what my beliefs are and the very reasons I personally entered graduate school. I am pretty sure I will have many more moments similar to my rant. However, now I have something to read if I feel like things are getting to tough. If things don't work out as I hoped, then I am sure I can figure something else out. As for happiness I am sure I can find this in the little things.

Again thank you for responding, they gave me a good reminding kick in the bum and reassurance that I am empowered (even if I feel like I am not at times). Thank you.