RANT Okay, no, actually, fuck this

Discussion in 'COUNSELING' started by Elendra, Oct 14, 2016.

  1. So my day. Got worse. Because of course it would get worse.

    SO LET'S JUST GO INTO THE FULL DETAILS OF HOW BAD MY DAY WAS YESTERDAY

    FROM BEGINNING TO END

    EVERY

    SINGLE

    THING

    CULMINATING IN THE BIGGEST RAGE INDUCING SHIT I'VE HAD TO DEAL WITH IN A WHILE

    SO

    Starting off a thing I tried to cancel went through anyway, went through wrong, overcharged me, gave me an overdraft fee, gave me a cancel fee, didn't give me what it said it would anyway, the stuff it did give me I can't have / use, this is going to be a big shitshow to clean up now.

    THEN

    On the way to work I was harassed by a couple of guys in a truck. They tried to rather crudely proposition me for sex. I tried to ignore them, quickly turning a corner and hoped they couldn't / wouldn't follow BUT BOY DID THEY. They turned cross lanes to follow me, honked their horn at me to make sure I couldn't pretend to ignore them, and then shouted at me to get into their vehicle for 'a good time' and like NOPE. I ran until I got closer to other people and I don't know when they weren't behind me any more I don't care I just care that eventually they weren't there and so that was THING 2 YESTERDAY

    Then work. Work didn't exactly go well. Problems with schedule and location meant we had to pack up and move and then struggle to do well at all and t h e n...

    I got the text from my mom about my dog. For that whole thing, see here.

    I cried for 2 hours, went home during that crying and GUESS WHAT HAPPENED

    CRYING ON THE WAY HOME, a creep I regularly have to deal with, this older guy on a bike, TRIED TO PROPOSITION ME TOO. LIKE ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS TRYING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME WHILE I'M CRYING LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE JESUS FUCKING CHRIST FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU I WILL FUCKING STAB YOU LEAVE ME ALONE

    I then got home, and tried to deal with my emotions. I talked with a great friend, and that helped me calm down a bit, but I was still feeling not great.

    And THEN... call about my Aunt happened. See I don't get along with a lot of my family, because now most of them are probably going to disown me when I'm out to the family as trans. But my Aunt? She won't. She knows. She supports. She loves me. We're good.

    She fell and had hurt herself, broke something, and had to go back in for another back surgery. Note that key word- ANOTHER. This has been happening a lot and she's getting worse. So I JUST got kinda done with dealing with my emotions in solitude relating to my dog for that day and then this happens and it's like I don't even have the tears left in me to properly cry about this.

    And that made me feel terrible. And angry. IT's not fucking fair. She's a wonderful person this shouldn't happen to people like her FUCK.

    WELL THEN

    I decided okay fuck this I'm going for a walk. I can take a walk. That'd be great.

    BOY WAS IT NOT

    While on the walk a THIRD GUY THAT DAY DECIDED TO BE A FUCKING PERVERTED CREEP AT ME AND I AM JUST SO FUCKING THROUGH WITH IT LIKE ARE YOU KIDDING ME ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME ARE YOU FU C K I N G K I D D I N G M E

    AND THIS TIME THERE WERE PEOPLE AROUND WHO SAW IT

    AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DID?

    these random kind strangers on the street

    who you'd hope would be like, I dunno, something????

    THEY DID NOTHING

    EXCEPT ONE GUY- WHO LAUGHED AFTER I SUCCESSFULLY GOT THE GUY TO LEAVE THROUGH THREATS

    LIKE ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME RIGHT NOW

    YOU FIND ME HAVING TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT FUNNY? YOU FIND THIS FUNNY? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. WHO FUCKED UP RAISING YOU AND INSTEAD OF MAKING A HUMAN THEY MADE A FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT? FUCK YOU.

    So. I go back home. I'm having as you can probably understand a PRETTY FUCKING BAD DAY.

    I try to relax.

    I try to calm down.

    And then when it gets late, I'm going over to the old apartment. Where my dog is. Where my mom and dad are. WHICH MEANS HAVING TO PRESENT MALE. So that's fun. I sure do love having to do that NOT FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

    Okay so

    I go there-- EXCEPT OOOOOOOOOOOF COURSE

    COULDN'T JUST HAVE THREE TIMES IN A DAY

    ANOTHER CREEP THAT WE HAVE ROUND HERE RECOGNISED ME AND TRIED TO HARASS ME AROUND WHY I LOOKED SO DIFFERENT AND WHAT WAS UP AND LIKE NO FUCK YOU GET AWAY FROM ME

    It took the bouncer of the club I was walking by to handle the fucker for me, and I just... fucking left like fuck this I am going to see my fucking dog I've had enough of this fucking day.

    I get there.

    Dad's awake.

    NOW to quickly catch people up on my dad, he abused me throughout my childhood and is very transphobic and when I first tried to come out to him he punched me in the face before sending me to regular sessions of a religious based 'conversion therapy' shit.

    AKA, he's the reason I have to present male while here, and why I had a knife and pepper spray ready just in case he saw through it.

    ANYWAY, first thing's first, WE GET INTO A BIT OF A FIGHT. Not like... not like an actual fight. No it was... small. Short. Quick. To the point. Like a viper striking my throat.

    He told me that he knows we've had our problems, but he wants to make sure he has HIS SON in his life regardless.

    And wow. Actually, literally, fuck absolutely everything about that.

    Like

    FUCK you, dad. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU

    LET'S SAY
    LET'S SAY THAT JUST THE DOG THING WAS HAPPENING

    LET'S GIVE HIM THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT AND SAY HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT MY AUNT

    BECAUSE WE CAN'T DENY HIM KNOWING ABOUT THE DOG AND HOW EMOTIONAL I AM OVER THIS

    ONE

    YOU, AS THE ABUSER, DO NOT GET A FUCKING SAY IN WHEN I AM OVER THE ABUSE, THE YEARS OF ABUSE, THE YEARS OF PHYSICAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL AND EMOTIONAL AND SPIRITUAL ABUSE- THE YEEEEEEEEEEARS OF THAT BULLSHIT. YOU DO NOT GET A FUCKING WORD. NOT A FUCKING SYLLABLE. NOT A FUCKING BREATH TOWARDS DECIDING WHEN OR EVEN IF I WILL EVER BE OVER THAT. YOU DO NOT GET THAT FUCKING POWER. YOU DO NOT GET THAT FUCKING OPTION. YOU DO NOT GET THAT RIGHT. YOU DO NOT GET THAT. FUCK YOU.

    TWO

    EVEN IF. LET'S SAY THAT EVEN IF YOU COULD BE THE ONE TO HAVE INPUT ON THAT, WHERE DO YOU GET OFF THINKING THAT 'well i'm better now but still hella transphobic c:' IS GOING TO BE FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME, HUH? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE THAT YOU CAN ASK FOR FORGIVENESS WHILE YOU STILL FUNDAMENTALLY HATE WHO I AM. YOU LOVE AN IMAGINARY PERSON, A FIGMENT OF YOUR DELUSIONS, YOU DO NOT LOVE ME. YOU DO NOT LOVE ME. YOU LOVE A LIE YOU TELL YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU ARE BLINDED BY HATE. WHY. WHY WOULD I FUCKING FORGIVE YOU FOR SHIT ARE YOU FUCKING HIGH?

    THREE

    WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TRYING TO PULL THIS NOW. RIGHT NOW. WHEN I'M EMOTIONALLY VULNERABLE. DID YOU THINK THIS WOULD WORK? THAT YOU COULD MANIPULATE MY EMOTIONS? THAT YOU COULD USE THIS TRAGEDY TO GET SOME PERSONAL FUCKING GAIN OUT OF ME? THAT I WOULD FORGIVE YOU OVER THE DEATH OF MY DOG THAT YOU WERE SHIT TO SEVERAL TIMES- EVEN REGULARLY? THAT HER DEATH WOULD BE A GROUNDING, AN ANCHOR, A REASON FOR US TO RECONCILE? HOW DENSE OF A PIECE OF GODDAMN GARBAGE SHIT ARE YOU, YOU IGNORANT, VILE, BIGOTED, BASTARD? JESUS.

    DID YOU REALLY THINK FOR A GODDAMN MOMENT THAT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA? THAT THIS WOULD WORK? THAT THIS WAS ANYTHING OTHER THAN AN UNDERHANDED, EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATIVE, DESPICABLE, COWARDLY ACT?

    GOD

    FUCK

    ING

    DAMN

    YOU

    FUCK

    YOU WANT TO TRY TO PLAY WITH MY EMOTIONS YOU FUCKING CHAUVINISTIC ASSHOLE? TO TRY TO CONTROL ME? TRY TO TRICK ME INTO FORGIVING YOU?

    HOW IS THAT? HOW IS THAT ANYTHING???

    WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU

    YOU WANT FORGIVENESS?

    WANT ME TO FORGIVE YOU

    FORGIVE ALL YOUR FUCKING BULLSHIT?

    FUND MY FUCKING TRANSITION

    ALL ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND FUCKING DOLLARS OF IT

    PAY ME BACK FOR THE YEARS OF ABUSE

    YEARS OF PHYSICAL ABUSE

    YEARS OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE

    YEARS OF ISOLATION, FEAR, AND SUICIDE

    IF YOU WANT SOME FUCKING FORGIVENESS FOR ANY OF THAT

    THEN FOOT

    THE

    BILL

    Because let me tell you.

    if you think for a moment

    with an iota of your rotten neural connections

    that i will forgive you otherwise

    with you NOT doing that

    you are out of your goddamn mind

    you are fucking delusional

    and that's just to start

    you've wasted money on so many things

    selfish things

    for just you

    sports cars

    motorcycles

    recording studios

    bands

    international vacations

    a like MILLION dollar house, was it?

    You want to be forgiven for being a bad person

    you want to be forgiven and feel like you're okay now

    that it's all in the past

    then fucking pay your debts to the people you've hurt every moment of your life on the way to where you are now

    you are a wound on society, on this family, on me

    and I cannot, will not forgive you until you actually do something BIG to undo that harm





    ...

    Of course I didn't actually say that. As I said, the conversation was brief. He said his bit on wanting me to put stuff behind us. I said that now was not the time. I'm here for my dog.

    He said that that made me strong, he didn't know if he could be here as I was.

    I shrugged.

    He said he was going to bed.

    I told him goodnight.




    And of course... that... couldn't just be it.

    I then had to have a talk with mom

    She had the fucking GALL to say maybe I should consider what dad said. That he's really changing and stuff and I just shut her down. No. Not now. Not the time.

    She then told me that she hadn't told my older brother about the dog. She wanted me to. Because she didn't want him to blame her either.

    Then I realised why she told me first. Because I am nicer. I am quicker to forgive. Usually. I usually am. But the fact that she was... so... I just got mad. I told her I didn't want to talk about that. That I just wanted to be here with my dog. And just have that be it. Because anything else will make me livid.

    She tried to talk to me more and I just... I couldn't. I was done. I told her goodnight. She left.

    I then spent the night here with my dog. I laid with her on the floor, snuggled up, cried a bit more, and told her that she was a good girl. I didn't go home. I just... kinda ended up falling asleep here. I don't even know when. But that's where I am right now.

    I know that they're going to take her to be put down today. I'm going to be there. I decided on it.

    I look like fucking shit. I slept terribly for a variety of reasons from the fights to the stress to the floor to the sadness.

    But I don't really care right now.

    I'm going to make her last moments as comfortable as possible.

    She's still asleep right now. I kinda don't wanna wake her. But on the other hand... she's going to be getting a lot of sleep soon.

    I don't even know.

    I'm just tired.

    Exhausted.

    Physically and emotionally exhausted.




    Yesterday was not my day.
     
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  2. I can relate to some of these things but all in one day? Sounds like torture. I'm sorry. That's a lot for one person to deal with. Hope better days are coming.
     
  3. Personally I would've said ALL of those things and more. Keeping this all in is NOT healthy and will only make things worse. Tell your family everything about how you feel and spare no one. Once you get everything off your chest, you'll feel much better.

    As for your dog, I hate you have to go through that and deal with your family on top of it :(

    [​IMG]
     
  4. :/

    As a teenage transwoman in an emotionally abusive household (it's calmed down right now, but the cries of "delusional" and "hypocrite" and "you're only trans because you were raped" still simmer just beneath the surface out of sight and on everyone's minds), I can relate to some of your pain. Presenting as male for your own safety is one of the most difficult things to do, I know from experience (living in the bible belt). And I know the feeling of wanting to burst out with everything on your mind, to sling the accusations in your heart. My father hasn't actually struck me in a long time, but he may as well have every time he forces me to present male. It's hard to resist telling them what a pice of shit they are when you know someone like that, but it will get you nowhere. The first time I told my family what I wanted them to hear, I was landed with a hyper-conservative therapist at an all male facility (made even more fucking disgusting by the fact that for the sub-optimal care I had there, it was far more expensive than the other options because the facility is famous and meant for delinquent rich kids). When I shut out that therapist and got into it with my family again, they shipped me to a mental institution because of my identity. Screaming and yelling, or even admitting the truth, will not gain you anything with these people. The best recommendation that I have is to refuse to be anything but what you are, but make it about you and who you are and not about them and how much of a piece of shit they are. Deal with the phobia with quiet confidence when you have to deal with it at all, and avoid it whenever possible when you don't.

    You're not the only one who's gone through this (although that doesn't make it any less painful) and if you ever want to talk about any of it, you're more than welcome to message me. You have all of my sympathy, and I truly hope that you can make things better. Because you're the only one who can make it better; don't compromise your identity for anything, and pull the people who accept you for who you are close. The ones who hate you with unreasoning prejudice aren't worth the energy expended to flip them off.
     
  5. I feel like a shitty friend for not keeping in touch, but goddamn... I wish I had something to say for a situation like this, and I hate that I don't. I'll try to get in touch with you soon.

    You don't deserve any of that shit.