not sure how this works...

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Ko T'suno, Nov 22, 2014.

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  1. Well not really sure where to put this but hopefully it'll be fix

    I once knew a boy who looked stronger then an ox, never a sign of cruelty and his tongue was as honest as it got, but they didn't see that this sweet seed was full of secrets, and was hauntied by demons who pulled him deeper as they pulled uponn the leashes, confused by the blues, they were bruised when they found the truth to the clues, but he was already consumed by the lonelyness, and he would often stare into space with a distent look, now they searching for answers like their inside his book, yet the last time they saw him, before the day he took his life, oh how now they wish they would of helped fix his pain, with their shoulda, coulda, woulda, tried. Yet days ago they told him that he should just die, and as they turned and walked away I was tramitized to hear him say...."Sometimes I really really hate myself, sometimes I wish that I could change myself, sometimes I don't wanna give no more n sometimes I don't wanna live no more, n sometimes I don't know where to go for help, n sometimes I don't really know myself, n sometimes I wish that I could just fly away and find a way to a brighter day". .....if lifes a question then the answer is death, I sat there counting his breath, tell the docter said there was nothing left, that they could do, tell this day I'm not sure if that was true, but God bless his soul please know that I love you bro, they say time heals but the pain truly never goes, I've seen a friend die, heard his mothers cries, seen the pain when I look into her eyes, seen things that would make you shutter like wings of a dragonfly, and tho I live by the words fear not I'm afraid, n when I wrote this so many tears dropped to the page. Its fucked how death manifests in such wicked ways, that was years ago and yet tell this day, when I close my eyes, I can hear him say.. "Sometimes I really really hate myself, sometimes I wish that I could change myself, sometimes I don't want give no more and sometimes I don't wanna live nomore, n sometimes I don't know where to go for help, n sometimes I don't really know myself, sometimes I wish that I could fly away and find a way to a brighter day"

    Parts between "" is from the song Dreamers by Lowkey
     
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  2. .....My teacher told me, that he knew me,even though my friends say, he doesn't really see me, or that I live a life that's pretty lonely, and I know about living real poorly, and I know it's easy to ignore me, but fuck it while I'm here I'll clear fear out of my thoughts, if I die then I'ma die and that's the way I was taught, there's no safe box, noone can help even when they are right here, and that's the point I need to get across, the school dosnt make me better off, when my body hurts and there's noone to fix it, and I don't envy anyone, this is my life, I must live this...even though I'm this is where I'ma die at..and I need more then just wishes....~signed One of the Lost~
     
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  3. Is this a personal poetry thread? Because in that case it lies in the completely wrong section ^^ Writing and art museum would be the right place for that. Creative challenges is a place where you create challenges for people to do, alt. Replies to other peoples challenges :)

    You can send a message to one of the staff members (or use the new thread moving request thingy) about removing this thread to either writing and art museum > showcases (if you only want to show your work) or writing and art museum > feedback & help (if you want to show your work but also wants people to comment on it with feedback and ways to improve your writing.)
     
  4. Yes, merci thank you
     
  5. If you're open to receiving critique, open the spoiler.

    Critique (open)
    Actually, this is prose, unless there is some sort of structure that I am missing. As far as content goes, you have some pretty emotionally heavy subject matter. However, that content loses so much power when you have nothing important to say about it. Pay attention to what you're trying to convey to your reader. Right now, it just seems like a person reflecting on a memory. Your writing needs to have a point. It needs to grab your reader and shake them to the depths of their soul.

    Grammatically, it is rather poor. There are many "elementary" mistakes. Also, the structure of the pieces are fraught with run-on sentences. Before the things you write can make sense poetically, they must make sense semantically. This is sometimes forgivable in poetry, but in prose, it is especially important. Work on your grammar, spelling, and syntax. Make sure to read plenty of books so you can see it done correctly.


    Good luck, and keep writing! :bsmile:
     
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