My Ex is coming to California.

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Gonzo, Apr 4, 2015.

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  1. So, my ex and I decided to call off our relationship because of distance and timing and money and what not. It wasnt some bad break up, we both just thought it would be better for us to just not be together than hurt because of distance.

    Well, today she just told me rhat she'll be coming in June for a few days for some leadership conference thing. The kicker? It's literally 20 minutes away by car.

    I don't believe in god, or really fate or anything like that for that matter, but if I did believe in him, I bet he's just fucking laughing up there. Life is just great you guys. Totally fucking great.

    I suggested lunch or dinner or something, just so we could actually see each other in person. Is that a good idea? Should I just forget about it?

    At least to me, she hasn't given any indication of wanting to be back together, and if she does want to, she's not saying anything, so I'm not sure asking for her back is a good idea.

    Can't believe I'm actually opening up and asking for advice, but yeah. Anything will help I guess.
     
  2. Open communication isn't just exclusively a good thing inside of a relationship. What do you want?
     
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  3. I'm not exactly sure what I want. I mean, it would be nice to see her, but I don't know.
     
  4. This is your first problem, asserting what you would want from meeting with your ex. You can't make the decision to if you don't know why. Do you harbour a hope of getting back together? Do you just want to meet up as friends? What purpose do you want your meeting to have? Or maybe you've already thought about this and really don't know what you want?

    It's hard to give advice. I mean I can find the nearest Cosmogirl or something to tell you how to make a decision, but I honestly don't think you need a method. I think you need to try and figure out what you want and what your expectations are. To be all Disney about it; the answers lie within you.
     
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  5. Wanting to talk to an ex again doesn't have to mean wanting to get back together.
    It's entirely possible to want to hangout just because the two of you get along and are friends.

    If getting together (or even seeing each other) is a good idea or not though is entirely dependent on both of your situations, both of your feelings to one another, both of your abilities to handle distance etc.
    It's not as simple as "Online, nah. IRL, yah". It's honestly something where you need to first make sure if the ex is actually interested in getting back together, and if they are both of you consider the factors, decide if it's smart or not given the situation and make a joint decision from there.
     
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  6. I mean, I have thought about it, and I honestly don't know what I want. You're right about not being able to tell me what to do.

    Well, if you were in my situation, what would you do? I guess that might help in some way. I dunno. This opening up and actually wanting help from other people is a weird concept for me, so I'm not sure what questions to ask and stuff.
     
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  7. Is she going to live in California permanently, or just stay for a while for that conference? Because if it's the latter, won't you end up with the same problem as before after a short while?
     
  8. She's only staying the couple of days.

    And I now realize that I might not have stated it clearly, but what I'm mainly asking is, do you guys think having lunch/dinner with her is a good idea. Not asking her back.
     
  9. Like said above, it's too dependent on the circumstances surrounding it and the individuals involved.
    But with the limited information I possess? I would at least check to see if she was open to giving it another chance.
    Well I'm glad you're practicing it. :)
    It can be unhealthy just bottling up concerns and worries.
     
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  10. I guess there's no harm in just having dinner. I've never been in a situation quite like this, but I imagine you could feel just as bad not having the dinner as you could going ahead with it, especially when you know she's right there. Who knows, it might give you some closure to feel like you can be in a platonic relationship with her.
     
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  11. I understand this is new for you and honestly, that's taking a step I'd have backspaced about twenty times over before deciding to close the tab and play video games. Trust me, been there, done that, crawled back into my hole of "I can solve this shit by myself."

    I can only say that if I put myself in your situation it would still depend on the ex and my feelings for them and the condition of our relationship. Luckily I only have two. The former I wouldn't because staying friends didn't pan out so well, the latter would also largely be a concern of well-being as in her mental and emotional stability and also not having killed herself. So I doubt I can give you any meaningful input on that.

    I honestly advice you to 'soul-search' yourself on this one. In very concrete, minimalistic ways without that bunch of 'what if' we tend to add on top to doubt our selves more. How do you feel about her? Black or white question. Yes or no. Keep it as simple as possible. Figure out that first before asking yourself something else.
     
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  12. My main question is this: what exactly are you anticipating will happen with this meeting? What are you hoping for? If you have an answer for those two questions and then you consider those answers seriously, perhaps you'll have an answer for your question. I know you say that you don't know what exactly you want out of this, but there's gotta be something that even made you go so far as to suggest it. Then after you suggested it, you have to have thought about all what would happen. So yeah, give it some thought.
     
  13. I say #YOLO and go for it if you're just meeting up as friends. You dated her for a reason. You two obviously get along, or at least used to.

    Besides, if she told you she was coming down she probably expected to meet up.
     
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  14. Well, she broke up with you for a reason. I'd say don't go for it and just be friends with her.

    She is only in California for a couple days, not forever. If you date her again, she will break you up for the same reason and you will have to relive the pain.

    I'd say don't try to ask her out again, try someone else that lives in California as well. You might find someone else.

    EDIT: Plus, if you take her out to dinner, you might have feelings for her again and it will be hurt once she goes back to her state. By the way, where does she live?
     
  15. Exs are exs for a reason, and sometimes it's not always bad, but it does mean that things didn't work out. I think the real question is would be what she's expecting. If she told you that she was coming to California, she probably thought you'd feel obligated to ee her, or at least make a polite offer. It's the insane women's logic. If she didn't want to see you, she would have gone to the conference and went home without saying a word to you.
     
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  16. I commend you for asking for help. I hate asking for it when I'm in a vulnerable position, but opening up to others is its own type of strength.

    I'm getting the sense that there might be some feelings involved, even though the both of you ended the relationship. If she didn't want to meet you then she wouldn't have bothered telling you that she was coming to California. I don't think it's a bad idea for you to meet her so long as you're both being open about the situation. The both of you are likely to have some feelings for each other (or perhaps none at all), the both of you are going to be curious about how the other is doing, and it's probably going to be awkward.

    So why should you do it?

    I hate What Ifs, and I've come to realize that a lot of people hate them too.

    Even if the two of you don't patch things up and get together as a couple, at least you can say that you gave it a shot. At least you can say, "Hey, I met someone online in real life." At least then you won't be wondering for the rest of your life whether something positive could have come from that meeting.

    On another note -- and forgive me if I come off zealous or overwhelming -- but I realize that long distance relationships are tough and hard, but that doesn't mean they don't work. I am living proof that they work, as my relationship with my husband started strictly online. Yes, it took a lot of time, money, and dedication, but I am so godly in love with him. I'm not saying to expect miracles from this meeting, but I'm asking that you at least meet this person. It could be a romance, could be a strong friendship, or just something that happened in your life.
     
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  17. Figure out what you want, and pursue it. Simple as that. If you don't know what you want, ask yourself why you're even asking her for lunch/dinner/meeting in the first place.

    Do you want closure? Are you looking for one last fuck?

    If it's to "just see her face again", then ask yourself the hard-hitting question of why you need to see her face again. Then ask yourself, if it's in your best interest to even see her at all again.

    From there, make sure you do some of this shit for you, and only you. Screw her and her needs, son. You need to look out for you and you only, because ain't no one else going to but you.
     
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