Mothers.

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Fluffy, Oct 26, 2012.

  1. I'll organize this the best way I can at this frustrating, emotionally exhausting moment.

    What my mom expects me to do:

    - Help Peter and I to move back in with them.
    - Have my baby at a hospital in my hometown.
    - Find new health providers.
    - Live amongst the drama llamas that are my family and a main cause of my mental disorders.

    Why?:
    - She misses me.
    - She claims my siblings 'need me'. Which they do, but they understand I have other shit to do.
    - She says I need her, which isn't entirely true. I can get by without her, I'm more independent than my siblings are. I'm the kid that goes to her mom for advice from time to time, while the rest just cling to her like needy brats. Why doesn't she get that?
    - My father would like me being close by again. I miss the guy too, however I am not going to make such a sacrifice for him. He doesn't deserve it.

    These are selfish reasons she allowed herself to tell me. And she's done this a lot. My mom will tell me she knows what's best for me and that I should just do it therefore. And she'll throw in how everyone misses me so much I shouldn't be so far away... You know, all these things to make me guilt trip. Because she KNOWS that I give up under too much pressure, and I have a hard time telling her no. If I have my mind made up, her last resort is that she cries helplessly and says awful words to break my emotional barrier, causing me to cry and just give up on everything. That's how good she is at fighting me. She's the only person who can make me reach that level of defeat.

    Well today, I was more straight forward with her. I've toughened up some since my life here with Peter began. It didn't seem to do a damn thing, though... She just responds with an argument. "I don't want to leave my midwife, she's too awesome and knows me so well. I need her." "She'll help you find a new midwife."

    ... Does how I feel not matter? I've been crying all day wondering how she could be like this.

    This is my life right now:

    - I live with my boyfriend and his family in Oregon, in a town that's a long way from my hometown in Washington. I love my hometown, but it has bad memories. Not living in it has been a positive change.
    - We're happy here. Very happy. Yes, I miss my family, but I can cope with the separation perfectly fine.
    - We're working on finding our own place to live because our son is due in March, so we need all that space.
    - Peter is employed. He wouldn't be if his two best friends didn't work there also, with the ability to vouch for him, because let's face it... Jobs are scarce.
    - I'm happy with my midwife. I trust her, I love her, she knows me, she knows my baby, all that good stuff.
    - I'm comfortable with where I am right now. I have health insurance, my doctors here are all great, I've made friends (finally), I have freedom, I have room to breathe... It's really important that I have these securities so my depression and anxiety don't hurt me worse, and so I'm taken care of as to assure my baby's good health.
    - Everyone here involved with my pregnancy are important to me, because I depend on them and they're there for me. I want to stay near them.

    My life if I move in with Mom, her husband, 4 sisters, 1 brother, 2 dogs, 2 cats:

    - There would be two additional adults, a baby, and a dog. All of us would be crammed in my mom's 3 bedroom house...
    - I get no privacy.
    - I have to redo the process of getting insurance, find new doctors, and other things that would be difficult to do considering how much time it'd be until the kid's arrival.
    - I'll be stressed. All the time. My family is huge, and obnoxious. We'll never sleep, Patrick will never sleep. Plus, I need to live in a space with fewer pets, as I am highly allergic to dogs. One is already more than enough.
    - I'll be back in the town where I lived some of the worst days of my life. Do not want. I'll have panic attacks and PTSD flashbacks way more often.
    - Peter may or may not find a job soon enough to continue providing for our baby. We really do not want to take that risk. Pizza Hut may not be a glamorous job, but it gets things bought still. It's better than nothing, which we very well may have in Olympia.
    - We'll be unhappy. Very unhappy.
    - That household is dysfunctional. Sisters are always bickering, mom is a drama queen. They like to invite friends over. It's just too much.
    - We will be a burden. As much as my mom disagrees, she's wrong. They'd have to accommodate for the baby by sacrificing space, letting me have a good portion of the fridge, etc etc... I don't want to be the one putting my littlest sister in the fucking LIVINGROOM to sleep. :/

    PLUS... This is a house FULL. OF. KIDS. I'll get sick more often than I ever have. My immune system is more vulnerable in pregnancy and my family is always bringing home shit that makes everyone sick. Maybe I am just paranoid and being 'over protective' of my child, but... How can I not be? I've had 2 miscarriages. :[ I don't want to mess up.

    And speaking of miscarriage.

    My mom had one some months ago. It was an oops, a major oops seeing that she's in her early 40s. That is why the pregnancy wasn't going to work out... She's been grieving about it ever since. I understand that. I still feel the pain of mine, too. It ain't something that goes away. Yet, she had the nerve... The nerve... To tell me something like this: "Sigh, around this time I should have been induced. Oh well, I'm a grandma now. I should just stop coloring my hair and stuff."

    ...

    That is such a nice thing to say to your pregnant daughter. Why do you have to be a buzz kill? This is my first baby, I'm happier than I've ever been. I don't say shit like that to you. I try to keep my "Woe is me" stuff at a minimum. And here you come, trying to persuade me to throw away the hard work I've done here to live with you because...you miss me?! And then you have to make it worse by bringing up your misfortune? It's like you don't want me to be happy, mom. It's always about YOU.

    *punches a random civilian* I'm letting myself rage too badly now... Fucking hormones.

    But there you have it. My mom is at it again. I don't know what to say to her and I can't rely in my sisters to back me up. They always take her side. Of course I want them involved in the baby's life, but that matters to me less than having space and money right now. When the kid is older, we could see about moving again. But not now. Geez. It just doesn't make sense to me.

    If you have advice, Iwaku, I am open to it. Otherwise, this was just me venting. I'm so upset right now.
     
  2. Wow, emotional manipulation much?

    I have similar problems with my mother, the only way i solved them was by adopting a "fuck you I do what I want" attitude, probably not the most mature response but it worked.
     
  3. It can be tough for parents when their kids finally grow up, move away from home and start building lives of their own. It's a hard pill to swallow for some, which may account for why your mum is acting this way to a certain extent. It's clear she misses you, which is a nice sign, but her way of expressing it is more than a little unfair. By the sound of it you and Pete have a pretty sweet deal where you're currently at, and it would be silly to sacrifice that just to cater to your family's whims.

    Ultimately, it's a decision that should be made by you and Peter and no-one else.

    Your mum might not understand that now, but she will one day. You guys need to do what's best for you, not anyone else.
     
  4. I wanted to stop reading after you told me all of the positives that have come to your life since the move out to Oregon and being with Peter. This is not because I wish to insult you nor demean the fact that your family misses you. It's because all of those things right there sound like a very good life. You have someone who loves you very dearly, a baby that's on his way and you're looking for a better home. It sounds like you are in a very happy place.

    Every parent is gonna miss their child once they move out, mine did. That is something they're gonna have to come to terms with. However I will say that your mother is extremely unfair and yes, she sounds extremely selfish. If it helps, whenever she talks to you again about coming back for whatever reason, think about Peter and your son and the happy life you live now. Perhaps that will give you more strength. You've got a good thing going right now, you truly do.
     
  5. I can see your frustrations and hurt; honestly, as harsh as this sounds, just tell her to stop stressing you out. Don't answer he calls, or anything unless she agrees to lay off. You are your own person and you have not your own health to not just worry about but you throw lil guy into the fray and it's worse.

    Give her an ultimatum. At this point you've hit your stress levels and that's not good. I'm not saying disown her, but give yourself some space from her.
     
  6. Stick to what's been keeping you happy and healthy- emotional health is important for a pregnant woman and child too. I never truly agreed with my brother that a pregnant woman should never be allowed a moment to have bad thoughts- but to be under this much stress is too much.

    I'd agree with setting boundries, the next time she does this, take a breath and tell her that you want to talk, but if she keeps talking like she does, that you will hang up because she's in no way or shape, able to handle, or understand the situation. It's goddamned hard to say that to a parent... but in this situation, it's necessary.
     
  7. Thank you all for your words. :] You're absolutely right in that I should do what I want, what makes me happy, and all that good stuff. Thankfully, my mom hasn't brought this up again yet.

    I've moved away from her 3 times... She's much clingier than I thought. Also, she's admitted to have a bit of a crisis because of becoming a grandmother. It sucks that the first born experiences the worst of...well, everything. xD

    I'll be visiting my family in a couple of weeks, so I may or may not return to this thread with some more venting. Ugh.
     
  8. Since this thread's still here, I'm going to use it to rant about my Mom some more. 8D Nobody has to respond to me, I just really want to throw a rock at her... So I'm going to vent right now before I get really cross.

    We're planning to visit you the 17th through the 20th. I'll leave here early so I can spend the evening of the 17th with you guys, and maybe I can even leave on the night bus on the 20th so I can spend most of the day with everyone. I continually say this, mom: I'm doing what I can. You'd think that would be enough for her.

    But no, it's not. Instead of being happy about my announcement of visitation, she goes "Only a few days? I want you to stay longer." You sound so grateful. Yeah, it's no big deal. We're only spending a few hundred dollars to come see you, when really we should be saving that money for, I dunno, food? Baby gear? Apartment/house deposits? You have no fucking clue how much I'm sacrificing for you, do you? Even Peter is making decisions he didn't want to make. Taking off those extra days at work are going to hurt his next paycheck AND they'll penalize him by giving him less hours.

    Oh, but he can leave by himself and I can stay home for a few more days, right? Um, no. I don't have the heart to tell you, but your household causes me a lot of stress. Seeing that my boyfriend is the sentinel in my life who keeps my life stable, safe, and happy... I don't think I should be without him. Not to mention, that hometown of mine is filled with memories that trigger my anxiety attacks. You don't know how to deal with me when I get like that; you never did. I know you don't think I should be dependent on my man for this, but why the hell not? I'm extra emotional because of my hormones and it will only get worse as the weeks pass. For my baby's sake, I should have the right to feel comfortable and safe. When I'm not so delicate and full of baby mass, I can handle the separation from him a lot easier. [Fuck, I miss my old rational self.]

    So what am I for this? Selfish? A pussy? Whatever, mother. So are you. You're trying to get me to move in with you, where there are 4 animals I'm allergic to, 6 other people, and lots of noise? Not to mention, your kids are...kids. They bring back all kinds of shit from school, like illness and head lice. I'd rather not nurture my son in that environment if I can avoid it. .__. And all for what, because you MISS ME?

    Maybe I'm just going about this wrong. Maybe I need to be harder on you. Because simply saying "I can't" or "That won't work" doesn't make you stop asking. It's really difficult for me to turn you down, mom... For any reason. It breaks my heart to think you might be playing these games with me so you'll win and get what you want. Because you said yourself, you're the princess and you always get what you want.

    *sigh* Please, don't make me get stern with you... You miss me, you want to be closer to your grandson. I know! But you have to be patient and deal with things the way they are until I can move closer to you. I'm about ready to pull all my hair out over this stupid situation.