I'll organize this the best way I can at this frustrating, emotionally exhausting moment. What my mom expects me to do: - Help Peter and I to move back in with them. - Have my baby at a hospital in my hometown. - Find new health providers. - Live amongst the drama llamas that are my family and a main cause of my mental disorders. Why?: - She misses me. - She claims my siblings 'need me'. Which they do, but they understand I have other shit to do. - She says I need her, which isn't entirely true. I can get by without her, I'm more independent than my siblings are. I'm the kid that goes to her mom for advice from time to time, while the rest just cling to her like needy brats. Why doesn't she get that? - My father would like me being close by again. I miss the guy too, however I am not going to make such a sacrifice for him. He doesn't deserve it. These are selfish reasons she allowed herself to tell me. And she's done this a lot. My mom will tell me she knows what's best for me and that I should just do it therefore. And she'll throw in how everyone misses me so much I shouldn't be so far away... You know, all these things to make me guilt trip. Because she KNOWS that I give up under too much pressure, and I have a hard time telling her no. If I have my mind made up, her last resort is that she cries helplessly and says awful words to break my emotional barrier, causing me to cry and just give up on everything. That's how good she is at fighting me. She's the only person who can make me reach that level of defeat. Well today, I was more straight forward with her. I've toughened up some since my life here with Peter began. It didn't seem to do a damn thing, though... She just responds with an argument. "I don't want to leave my midwife, she's too awesome and knows me so well. I need her." "She'll help you find a new midwife." ... Does how I feel not matter? I've been crying all day wondering how she could be like this. This is my life right now: - I live with my boyfriend and his family in Oregon, in a town that's a long way from my hometown in Washington. I love my hometown, but it has bad memories. Not living in it has been a positive change. - We're happy here. Very happy. Yes, I miss my family, but I can cope with the separation perfectly fine. - We're working on finding our own place to live because our son is due in March, so we need all that space. - Peter is employed. He wouldn't be if his two best friends didn't work there also, with the ability to vouch for him, because let's face it... Jobs are scarce. - I'm happy with my midwife. I trust her, I love her, she knows me, she knows my baby, all that good stuff. - I'm comfortable with where I am right now. I have health insurance, my doctors here are all great, I've made friends (finally), I have freedom, I have room to breathe... It's really important that I have these securities so my depression and anxiety don't hurt me worse, and so I'm taken care of as to assure my baby's good health. - Everyone here involved with my pregnancy are important to me, because I depend on them and they're there for me. I want to stay near them. My life if I move in with Mom, her husband, 4 sisters, 1 brother, 2 dogs, 2 cats: - There would be two additional adults, a baby, and a dog. All of us would be crammed in my mom's 3 bedroom house... - I get no privacy. - I have to redo the process of getting insurance, find new doctors, and other things that would be difficult to do considering how much time it'd be until the kid's arrival. - I'll be stressed. All the time. My family is huge, and obnoxious. We'll never sleep, Patrick will never sleep. Plus, I need to live in a space with fewer pets, as I am highly allergic to dogs. One is already more than enough. - I'll be back in the town where I lived some of the worst days of my life. Do not want. I'll have panic attacks and PTSD flashbacks way more often. - Peter may or may not find a job soon enough to continue providing for our baby. We really do not want to take that risk. Pizza Hut may not be a glamorous job, but it gets things bought still. It's better than nothing, which we very well may have in Olympia. - We'll be unhappy. Very unhappy. - That household is dysfunctional. Sisters are always bickering, mom is a drama queen. They like to invite friends over. It's just too much. - We will be a burden. As much as my mom disagrees, she's wrong. They'd have to accommodate for the baby by sacrificing space, letting me have a good portion of the fridge, etc etc... I don't want to be the one putting my littlest sister in the fucking LIVINGROOM to sleep. :/ PLUS... This is a house FULL. OF. KIDS. I'll get sick more often than I ever have. My immune system is more vulnerable in pregnancy and my family is always bringing home shit that makes everyone sick. Maybe I am just paranoid and being 'over protective' of my child, but... How can I not be? I've had 2 miscarriages. :[ I don't want to mess up. And speaking of miscarriage. My mom had one some months ago. It was an oops, a major oops seeing that she's in her early 40s. That is why the pregnancy wasn't going to work out... She's been grieving about it ever since. I understand that. I still feel the pain of mine, too. It ain't something that goes away. Yet, she had the nerve... The nerve... To tell me something like this: "Sigh, around this time I should have been induced. Oh well, I'm a grandma now. I should just stop coloring my hair and stuff." ... That is such a nice thing to say to your pregnant daughter. Why do you have to be a buzz kill? This is my first baby, I'm happier than I've ever been. I don't say shit like that to you. I try to keep my "Woe is me" stuff at a minimum. And here you come, trying to persuade me to throw away the hard work I've done here to live with you because...you miss me?! And then you have to make it worse by bringing up your misfortune? It's like you don't want me to be happy, mom. It's always about YOU. *punches a random civilian* I'm letting myself rage too badly now... Fucking hormones. But there you have it. My mom is at it again. I don't know what to say to her and I can't rely in my sisters to back me up. They always take her side. Of course I want them involved in the baby's life, but that matters to me less than having space and money right now. When the kid is older, we could see about moving again. But not now. Geez. It just doesn't make sense to me. If you have advice, Iwaku, I am open to it. Otherwise, this was just me venting. I'm so upset right now.