Pathfinder Review:
To start: I hate your font.
Anyways.
The little poem at the front was a nice touch.
Escaping the cold in this day and age. Nice little indicator of the way in which this world is different from our present one.
Haha, and of course the "poetic license" line is nice. Oddly humorous for such a bleak thing to say in a bleak environment.
[spoili]
Soon at the start of a sentence always needs a comma. I also want to say "City security stepS" since it's technically a single entity as an institution, but like, that one doesn't really matter, cause it could also be considered short for security guards which is plural. Dammit, don't make me nitpick b/c there's nothing bad to say about this thus far.
"expression on the officer who Levi rolls down the window" *giggling. Levi rolled an officer down the window. Silly typos aside, a colon doesn't really work here (personal opinion), since both sentences are complete and separate thoughts that don't really lead into one another in any significant way.
"Before long" also needs a comma at the start of a sentence.
Technically "It's not often" also makes more sense, but the level to which this reads as colloquial first person makes it so that it's not really necessary to stick to those kinds of conventions.
I hate no-one, but it's not wrong. I'm also not a fan of using many acronyms that aren't common like AR (I also wouldn't have known what HUD was if my dad hadn't been obsessed with it for a week or so), but those are also minor details.
"ITS roof having fallen in" not it's.
"As Levi brings vehicle to halt" comma.
"Here ARE" the ground rules, narrator. No, I get it. It's speech. Speech is allowed to have grammar mistakes. *sobs and runs away. (If you want a well-consolidated review, next time, I think you have to specify, cause this shit is sentence by sentence. It's fine. The last paragraph always sums up the material points.)
Dunno what Ponimat means, but it's probably fine. Google attempts to translate it into Russian.
Point of interest: you write badass woman first person exceptionally well in terms of the tone I immediately gain from the first few sentences.
"In response" comma. "matt-black" instead of "matte" triggered me for a sec, but that's just cause I'm 'murican.
*files Bratan with Ponimat in unknown Russian. Works with the setting, and doesn't significantly hinder comprehension.
"reach my skin as we push the doors" is surprisingly a place you put a comma that doesn't need it, but that's another minor note, esp since it's not incorrect.
"With a blink" comma.
"desperate, suicidal, or well prepared" Lists. Two commas, not one. Another "as" statement that doesn't need a comma before it. You know what, I'm gonna just put $ before comma comments, b/c you probably don't need to read em all, but I'm gonna list them all anyways so you know where I thought there should be one, or shouldn't be. I will do my honest best not to bug the ones that are purely stylistic choices, just the ones that really need it. (I will probably fail b/c I'm a comma abuser)
VIPER I'm going to assume is okay for me not to know, like AR, because I refuse to believe she has a collapsed snake in her jacket.
Use a lot of one-liners, but none of them feel overdramatic or stilted, and it's pretty nice.
$"shitbag of a client" comma.
half dozen without the dash bothers me, but another one of those things that's probably not wrong~
Asian and Slavic should both be capitalized.
"Man at their head doesn't INSPIRE confidence" not inspired. (typo?)
"Only his environment suit" and "even that is mostly hidden" are two complete separate sentences, stringing them together is weird, though another minor note.
Another two spots where colons are weird. Before "Tai Huen Chai" probably not inaccurate, just awkward. And after "hidden by the hood that's drawn up from his suit." Doesn't feel right.
"Still, he's told his guys to back down and holster their weapons and I suspect" needs a comma before "and I suspect" because the sentence has two sort of points to it that need a little separation.
Like the word "scuppering" being used.
ERC falls with AR and VIPER in list of things I don't know, that I figure isn't important enough to worry about.
Another colon that feels weird in "plenty of it to be found in a partially collapsed warehouse"
$"Beefore I can react" COMMA "something like a cross b/w ---"
$"Sucking enough air… furiously" comma.
::Succession of colons, three of them within two paragraphs is starting to get excessive (but then I'm not one to talk, I overuse "…" and "–" a lot.), and one feels weird "where new threats come from I don't know: the only ppl…" that one's weird. The other two are fine.
Just a note to let you know I assume you're already aware of places where sentences don't have proper subjects included such as "Getting ahead of myself, though." I'm not mentioning them b/c I'm assuming they're intentional since they work really well with the tone for the most part, and bother me only occasionally.
Woops. "fat Ukrainian shit into gear ." random space before the period.
:: "via it's broadcaster" weird colon, but ALSO "ITS" not "IT'S" minor pet peeve. If this is intentional, I'm sorry.
:: "chill at bay" nother weird colon.
Google tells me the thing is called an ushanka, not an urshanka. All hail google if it's right?
$"Almost immediately" comma
$"Snow, ice, and radiation." Lists.
$"Out in the white" comma "progress is always gonna be slow." That one you really need man, or else it reads, "out in the White Progress … is gonna be slow"
Minor note that maybe slightly bothers me but can be explained away. The name Jen-sin cannot possibly be Mandarin, but they all appear to be speaking mando thus far.
[/spoili]
Interesting that Koss's name was introduced so late. That's always fun for first-person stuff (I'm not being sarcastic, sorry if it sounds that way)
Thank you for using tones (and the correct ones at that) for the Chinese dialogue. x'D
LOL I like Koss. Levi like "not taking yer damn bullshit" but in three words. Koss is getting down to business.
And that misogyny on how he focuses on Levi. It's a nice subtle touch, not too overstated.
Chinese badguy is thus far a classic "greasy" archetype.
I like Sidrovich, too, even though we ain't seen him yet. Dat excessive velvet.
Oof. Levi's death done in a frantic, sudden scene still has strong emotional impact, perhaps also partially because of its shock value. Difficult to attain in writing vs visual media, well done.
Lack of capitalization and sentence punctuation in the italicized paragraphs is actually really effective and an interesting touch I've never seen anyone pull before.
Good immediate explaining why she DIDN'T die of rad poisoning, without feeling very tell-not-showy.
HEHEHEHEHEHEHE. Taken speech summed up in three fucking sentences.
Dead never look like they're sleeping is a wonderful and memorable line.
You may see me complaining about the Russian earlier, but it does well to set up this one line, which despite my lack of comprehension and laziness to Google, conveys emotion as a death scene remarkably well.
Interesting level of sentimentality around both that gesture, the way she feels about not learning the dead guy's name, and the hat, even though the character doesn't initially come off as sentimental, lending itself to a nicely added depth.
Quip about Fate being an asshole is more fun wit from Koss. Aaand, then of course she pulls the chilling "they're among wolves now, even if they've forgotten it" *shivers.
The whole bit about the human mind craving stimulation is just a really cool indication of good research and I always respect the hell out of that. Plus it's written in a super relatable fashion and takes advantage of the first-person perspective to make the readers feel what the narrator feels, and remembers of her training and thinks about orbitals. Character, world, excellent delivery, and either thoughtfulness or research, all wrapped up in a few paragraphs. It's like a little pocket of happiness. Uh… in a setting of despair.
Yep. I like Koss "see me hit any women and children?" "look no scary armaments please don't shoot" xD So sassy.
Well-done in terms of lack of emotion here, interestingly enough. Got me synced well enough that I don't feel any rush of emotion from him being dead any more than she does, but it feels right.
A point of note is that run-on sentences and slightly awkward colons appear to be common in this work, as well as some places where commas were left off – a slightly unusual tendency (maybe it's a brit thing? I know another brit who does this), but not like a PROBLEM. Doesn't hinder comprehension, and is probably barely noticeable if you're not looking for problems.
Another super odd thing is the way separate paragraphs are spaced, some double, some single. I'm all for intentional formatting, but doing it single-spaced when there was dialogue first and double when there was not threw off the flow of my reading a bit, not gonna lie.
It was an interesting choice also for you to make the protag here a woman. I deeply dislike when I feel like a character was made a woman just to appease the raging feminists, but you did what I wished everyone did: you made it not matter what her gender was. Beyond how Jen-sin dismissed her because of her gender, the fact that Koss was a woman was not important. It was present, and it affected small, but very real things in story, but it made her no weaker, no stronger. There are plenty of stories where authors or directors pull this off, but usually in that case the protag is not an ass-kicking revenge-seeker (when they are, they usually wear pointy heels and suck balls). While keeping her voice and making her pretty damn badass, you also managed to make her gender simply not a point of contention at all, and you have no idea by GOODNESS how much I needed that.
I had a lot of comments, and for once that's a good thing, because basically all of my non-nitpicky comments were good ones. The story holds this oddly solemn and slow pacing except for the frantic fighting bits, and this perfectly suits the tone of the entire setting, with the dying earth. You don't elaborate at all on why the earth is dying, but it really doesn't matter for the purposes of this story and it's a brilliant example of something I, and I think most writers and especially worldbuilders of my generation fail to do: allow the unimportant things to be a fill-in-the-blank-from-the-clues mystery. You also do it to some extent with Pathfinder, wastelander, and Toe-whateverhisnameis. Not once do you explicitly state what any of these things are, but we get it through the context clues. An exceptionally well-done example of show-not-tell, particularly because you also kept it understandable and engaging, which is just as hard to manage. Your writing never feels forced, and is witty and lively and elegant and well-captures all the tone, description, and character that one could ever wish for. You draw a reader in and make them feel what the narrator feels and see what they see even before you bother describing it sometimes. Certain characters are not fleshed out beyond their archetypes, but in this context and with the shortness of the piece, it really isn't necessary. This is my first time reading a short story from you and it might not mean much, but I am extremely impressed with basically everything in it, which is a compliment I quite frankly rarely give to anything. The problems I did have with it could pretty much be summed up in "commas, colons, confusing-at-first words, and paragraph formatting," which is SUPER MINOR.
