MISC #5 Voting Thread: It's How You Say It.

[Greenie]

Thank you for the review @Kitti ! I truly appreciate it!

@Holmishire - No fun shall be ruined, reviews are only a way to help better ourselves. ^_^

 

[Holmishire]

Entry #1: Disqualified

It is not entirely unheard of for a story as short as a single sentence to impress. It requires impeccable formulation, multiple layers of implied—and sometimes even contradictory—meaning, and a potent spark of creativity.

At three words, this task might very well be beyond any reasonable individual's ability to achieve. (Yes, this is indeed a dare. Anyways, back on topic.)

While there is certainly some interest garnered through the (ahem) 'meta' nature of the piece, most of the impact is stolen by the title. The narration is nothing more than confirmation of the title—ultimately redundant.

Again, it is not necessarily the length of the piece that limits it. In this case, its scope seems moreso limited by the simplicity of its presentation.

Entry #1: Mentals.

As eccentric as its cast, it is likely that the entry will appeal to a much narrower audience than mainstream drama—moreso because its value seems to be more heavily drawn from the absurdity of the events and characters than comedic wit.

The quality of the writing is for the most part effective. Paragraph and sentence length are varied to suit the level of tension—comedic or otherwise—befitting the situation. (One such case that stood out to me was thus: «I then proceeded to throw my entire plate of chocolate balls into his face. Getting him, his suit, and his acute sense of cleanliness all covered in chocolate.» Grammatically speaking, both sentences should have been fused into one, as the second lacks a defined subject. Splitting them, however, allows the first sentence to be more punchy as demanded by the suddenness of the action it describes, without depriving the reader of the juicy details elaborated upon in the second sentence.)

Three nuisances came to light—whether or not they were endemic is hard to say for a story as short as this.

First, the dialogue was often presumptuous. Emily had something to say about David, so of course Simon mentioned that exact thing. Simon knew Chandler disliked that chocolate thing, giving him every reason not to go, and yet Simon asks if he's going anyways. For an entry built largely on character interaction, having the dialogue flow more naturally out of clear hints and deductions would be a great boon.

Secondly, the exposition regarding the Murphy family was presented at the end of a dialogue chain, after the subject had already moved on. Interjecting it amidst the dialogue earlier would have helped keep the flow by keeping things on topic, instead of forcing the reader into a double-take.

Thirdly, there was a lot of confusion in regards to the execution of the plan. They stated it would take a half hour, the time that passed was described as thirty minutes, but it took them fifty-five to finish and Chandler was supposed to return in sixty. Also, there was no indication as to how Betsy's meddling with the children accomplished anything, nor that Mrs Murphy had been summoned by her, as Simon claimed, instead of by Chandler's cries of foul play—see presumptuous dialogue above.

(Also, having «SHH» in the dialogue after the narration had already described his «shush»ing is redundant. Very minor thing.)

On a more general note, there didn't seem to be any significant character development in the progression of the narrative, which is often highly important in character-driven stories. While Simon's calming of Chandler could be conceived as such, the fact that he was also able to do so easily at the start of the story hampers its significance.

Overall, a fun but flighty entry, with good writing besides.

Entry #2: A Single Step

An effective and touching piece. While the two leads receive little in the way of backstory, both are quite nicely developed through their distinct relationships with the father figure.

The writing, too, was well formulated—perhaps fittingly for a comparatively quaint tale, it seems to make no attempt at bandying words for art's sake alone, instead leaving the intrigue of the leads' interactions to hold the limelight.

The weakest part of the entry appears to be the introduction. Not because of its exposition, or even its pacing—though it does fly by a bit quickly. It is the little details that get in the way. For one, the handling of temporal matters was a tad unsettling. The narration starts off a week ago, and transitions smoothly into the distant past—all well and good, so far. Where it stumbles is at «Back to the present,»; the present had never been established, and to throw the reader into the cemetery as if they were already familiar with the locale was jarring. There was no present to go back to!

There is also the matter of the child, though it is a minor one. Due to the focus granted to her in the lead-up, it felt as though she had more presence than she had any right to. She seemed only to serve as a way of making the lead male mildly sympathetic. And while it was effective in that regard, it felt out-of-place as a one-off. Perhaps had she been revisited on his way out—much as the taxi ride is mirrored—she could have been used to greater effect, in the stead of a mere distraction.

That being said, the ending itself was as effective as the conversation it followed—and that is to say very much so. A quick and open-ended one-liner, with proper build-up and a story to uphold its implied conclusion.

Overall, a well-crafted exchange between two altogether normal people. Well done!

Entry #3: the Promise of a Friend

The consistent rhyming scheme is welcome, though its impact is diminished by the lack of a consistent meter.

Death and the girl made for an interesting pair, and there tale a sweet one. The reasons for their connection, however, were poorly developed—and as their relationship appears to be the focus of the entry, this leaves the reader only able to brush against the surface of the intrigue.

Overall, an interesting concept, with a somewhat simple execution.

Entry #4: the Devil's Christmas

While the quality of the writing is difficult to reproach, the narrative style of this piece suffers from too much 'show not tell'—or, perhaps, merely too little 'show' to make up for the lack of 'tell'.

For the vast majority of the story, the reader is presented with three characters that aren't described, named, or identified in any way save 'he', 'she', and 'monster'. Their relation to one another was also poorly presented. (Case in point: it took me two read-throughs to realize that the two female characters were sharing the same body, and a third read-through to realize that the perspective had switched between them partway through the entry.) Without any details as to the context in which the characters found themselves, the plot that this was clearly a conclusion to, or even the nature of the characters themselves, there is nothing concrete for the reader to pull upon. While this can certainly create an air of mystery, it also makes everything much harder to follow.

As new knowledge is acquired, it is quickly discarded again, for there is nothing firm to tie it to. Ultimately, this makes it difficult to become invested in the story.

This doesn't make it a bad entry—merely one that is difficult to penetrate. (Although it should be noted that even once everything is understood, there is still very little known about the overall plot or characters.)

Entry #5: Passage to Piracy

A strong entry with, again, two well-developed leads. Beyond mere romantic fare, the trials of Davy Jones locker adds a welcome second layer of character development to Alison.

That being said, the story's pacing rests upon an unsound foundation, leaving the rising action a little lopsided.

Specifically, far more attention is given to the first trial in the jungle than all of the other trials combined. Both the romantic plot and any intrigue arising from the elucidation of her backstory—be it in relation to Christopher again, or her mother—is piled onto and resolved in this section. While there is some development at the end, when Alison decides that life with Christopher is worth fighting for, it is minor and resolved very quickly after the conflict itself had been presented.

This leaves the second act (if I may call it that) feeling as if an afterthought. By leaving the emotional and action-driven climaxes unlinked, the reader's satisfaction is necessarily split—and therefore diluted—across the length of the entry.

Also, there were a lot of run-on sentences, such as «Most of them are instantly alert, they move with purpose, a mass of organized Chaos, everyone knows their job and the dangers of a storm, except me.» And it is conventional to keep dialogue from a single speaker in the same paragraph, as to do anything but is likely to confuse the reader as to whom is speaking.

Overall, it is a very strong entry regardless. The pirate-speak was used sparingly enough so as to be more tasteful than tacky; the characters contrasted, clashed, and melded together well; and the plot was compelling despite the non-ideal pacing.

Entry #6: Ripples

This entry makes good use of its consistent water-based imagery—cascading waterfalls, drowning sound, warm waters. This theme seems to have been dropped by the end, but perhaps the contrast was used to better distinguish her descent into slumber from her second awakening.

As a free-form poem, metre was left unchecked and rhymes were sparse; that being said, the «dream»/«scream» contrast was particularly effective.

Ultimately, the subject of the poem is hard to nail down due to the vague nature of its descriptions—and with its loose structure, it will likely prove challenging for the uninitiated to parse. (Myself included. It certainly feels deep, but without much indication as to who either of the two characters are, I can't make heads or tails of it.)

 

[KJDarKnight]

Thanks for the feedback! I'm working to make it better :)

 

[Greenie]

Where it stumbles is at «Back to the present,»; the present had never been established, and to throw the reader into the cemetery as if they were already familiar with the locale was jarring. There was no present to go back to!

As always, Holmi, your review is much appreciated!

I hadn't actually thought of the above quoted, but now that you've mentioned it, I do believe I could have made that part better, or perhaps used different words. Food for thought! :D