It is not all in my head.

[Lawkheart]

Before I start my rant, I'm gonna explain a few things. I've suffered from severe Chronic Depression since the age of 7. At the age of 9 I started to self harm, cutting into my skin(Using whatever I could get my hands on), using my nails to pull out chunks of my flesh, banging my head against the wall or eating so much that I end up throwing up, to the point blood comes out. This continued until I was 17, mostly the cutting and pulling chunks of flesh out with my own nails. I also suffer from severe panic and anxiety attacks. The panic attacks for me do not last 20 minutes, they last up to four hours. During which I can not breath. Often times I have to go to the hospital and have a breathing tube pushed down my throat so I don't suffocate myself. And, to top it all off, I have a never ending migraine.

When I was 10, my only friend at school, a school where I was bullied by students and teachers and had no friends until she transferred in, died on my birthday. After she died, the bullying stopped for a few years before picking back up until I snapped and beat my main bully, an older male who got left back a few years, to a bloody pulp. And I've lost track how many times I have tried to end my life.

With that bit of information, tell me anyone, would the following statements help me or anyone in a similar mindset?

"All you have to do is force yourself to be happy..."

"Depression isn't an illness, it's just a moment that will pass,"

"Panic attacks? What's there to panic about?"

"Why are you nervous for, there's nothing happening!"

"There's nothing really wrong with you."

"It's all in your head."

I'll answer that for you. IT IS NOT ALL IN MY HEAD. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain. I hear voices and see things from how bad my migraine is. The pain NEVER ends. And I've been tested and the doctor that reviewed my MRI and cat scan looked at me in shock and asked me how could I even sit up out of bed? He explained the pain to my parents, going so far as shocking them and then telling them that is just a third of the level of pain I feel EVERY WAKING MOMENT.

I have scars along my thighs and my chest that remind me of how numb I became. So numb that I had to resort to cutting myself just to feel anything.

And your telling me that there's nothing wrong with me? That its a waste of time to get help for something that is only in my head? "Other people have it worse then you." I know this. In fact anyone who is really suffering like this KNOWS for a fact people have it worse then them. And I feel guilty as it is going to see a psychiatrist to get the proper medication. My doctor has to call ME to remind me to come to see him because I will force myself to suffer just so I don't waste his time.

I have no self value in myself and I hate myself as it is. I do not need ignorant comments like this to further push me down into my hole.

The fact that I even try and go outside is a miracle for me. To get out of my fucking bed, is a battle.

So don't tell me that it isn't an illness! Do not tell me what I'm feeling is normal and will pass, because it hasn't. Do not tell me it's all in my head because it's not. This pain is very real and comparing it just makes me want to kill myself more.

Like I have no right to express my pain and try and seek help. That is how I feel when ignorant jackass's say this to me. I'm not talking about people who, actually, do not understand. Because some of these people are WILLING to learn and WILLING to understand. I'm talking about people who are set in there ways and think all I need is a good beating to snap out of it. Or a boy friend or just to even try to be happy. You don't think I wish I could? That I could smile without having to cry? Not even trying to think happy thoughts, I mean smiling. The thought of smiling hurts more then I could ever explain.

My pain is real, just like anyone else. The fact that it's psychological means nothing.

And don't fucking tell me otherwise because I will end up believing you and start hurting myself just so I can justify my pain.

 

[Fijoli]

I think that people today misunderstand and misuse words a hell of a lot, I had someone say to me once, someone very much older then me even today,that it was all in my head and before I listened I got very upset.

Later, this Man, after I had calmed down, said he was sorry, that he didn't use his words wisely, and went on to say, "Your mind is everything and it is so powerful over your life" and gave me a very hearty hug. From then on, I always placed the words "It's all in your head" in the context of "Your head is fucking whacked out crazy powerful over you mentally and physically".
Sure, things are what we have made them, and when the mind breaks I feel it is worse than "illness". Just imagine what an alzheimer's patient feels and thinks when looking back on a life of empty images and vague feelings. That is fuckin scary O___O and not very different. depression is like living a life that you don't recognize randomly. It's more than an illness, it's a disease. Chemical imbalances and damaged neurological sensors can indeed ruin and end lives, diminishing them to nothing but shells of their former selves.

Its important to remember that your mind is indeed extremely powerful and that no matter how hard it is, sometimes we need some extra help and outside perspective to completely see the world in a way we never have. We are important to each other.

@Lawkheart I want to let you know, you are not alone. ~BIG FIJO HUGS~ Many of us here feel the same way you do, and together we all get up and go to war for each other. Pain is never only in your mind, it manifests, takes on physical form and can even effect others. It is real. No figment or illusion could be as grand as your sadness. I'm sure even start envy how brightly you can smile.
Emotions have a bad rap and its because they serve no purpose to certain kinds of people, and those kinds of people are running things. Don't let men behind curtains belittle the emotions you have nor the reasons you have them, Its no ones business but your own, and because as far as we know it;

Humans are the only species capable of understanding emotion.

Never forget that illness and disease can be fought, can be conquered, and managed with proper support, do whatever it take to get that support you deserve, save of course hurting yourself or other but you know what I mean. So many people today overcome even the most devastating afflictions and they don't do it alone, they have support from groups, therapy, a community, friends, and family. Never ever think it is the end, or that you are not alone. You can also feel anything you want to, sadness is yours to feel and there are perfectly legit reasons for it!!! I cry all the time <.<: You'll be in my thoughts as we reach the new year, Lawk, :) Sending you all the goodness and positivity I can muster. Hang in their and stay epic. Even the most amazing people of our human history we known to be very emotional, depressed, and even unhinged individuals.

<3
Fijo

 

[Lawkheart]

@Fijoli Frost Thank you so much for your kindness. Today has been... a very frustrating and anger inducing day. I'm glad I have complete strangers understanding how I feel. *hugs back tightly*

 

[Fijoli]

@Fijoli Frost Thank you so much for your kindness. Today has been... a very frustrating and anger inducing day. I'm glad I have complete strangers understanding how I feel. *hugs back tightly*

It's important for everyone to have a place to just let loose and unwind. I'm happy you choose to come here <3

 

[Lawkheart]

It's important for everyone to have a place to just let loose and unwind. I'm happy you choose to come here <3

Iwaku is my second home. <3