O
Obsessive Compulsive
Guest
[BCOLOR=transparent]It started when I was seventeen… I wasn't even an adult myself when it first started…[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]What was his name again? Dario I think it was... I Force myself to forget their names. I remember his face though, I remember because his entire body was like candy. His skin was like caramel, his eyes and hair like chocolate. I can only assume his mouth would have been just as sweet. It was the year I ran away from home.[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]Surely it was a fluke right? I couldn't be like that...I just couldn't be……[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]When I was nine I wanted to be a teacher. I've always had love for learning; I had a gift too. By three I was reading independently. I wanted to keep learning things forever and ever and ever. That wasn't the reason I wanted to be a teacher though; the reason was, and I kid you fucking not, was because I wanted to help people. I was a noble fucking kid wasn't I?[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]There was this girl named Annie who was my first crush. She had the most gorgeous curly blond hair and a southern drawl from her time in Georgia, a perfect southern lady that would have pleased any man once she came of age. [/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]When Annie grew taller than me I lost interest.[/BCOLOR][BCOLOR=transparent]If I was Annie's teacher, I would never give up on her. I would tutor her everyday after school, encourage her in every possible way, and beat the shit out of anyone of my students who tried to bring her down. I would be the best teacher ever.[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]Realizing that you can never fulfill your greatest dream is a heart shattering experience.[/BCOLOR][BCOLOR=transparent]The next boy's name was Jamie. Very delicate wrists, very delicate everything if I remember correctly; just like a little porcelain doll. I wanted to lick those wrists, wanted to lick him all over.[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]Fuck[/BCOLOR][BCOLOR=transparent]College was good, college was fun. Stay away from the college run daycare and I'm good. I met a few boys and I met a few girls and for a while I thought I was over it. I enjoyed my time with them, a few of them I even l thought I loved.[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]God I wish it was a fluke[/BCOLOR][BCOLOR=transparent]Sam was athletic so sometimes I would sneak into his track and field tournaments to watch from behind the bleachers. I watched him when he was flushed with pride after a win and flushed with shame after a major loss. After one such loss he was all by himself on the field and I had him all to myself. I told myself I did it just to stop him from crying, to calm him down a little. A comforting hand around the shoulder and sweet words. A chaste kiss to the lips. [/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]That was all I ever did to them.[/BCOLOR][BCOLOR=transparent]What does it mean to hate yourself? It means not being able to feel your heart in your chest whenever you're all alone. It's when every little pleasure becomes torture because the monster that keeps you up at night is always there, right there inside you. Hating yourself means truly believing that if you could just change yourself; change every fiber of your very own being. That you could be happy.[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]Know that I'm doing this because I love you[/BCOLOR][BCOLOR=transparent]All you ever wanted were children, but you were already far past your prime. I would hold you on the nights after every failed test, every failed conception. I think the worst was when you managed to get five months along but lost it. You wouldn't eat for a week; not until I bought you a necklace to store her ashes in. We were going to name her Amelia.[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]I thought we had given up.[/BCOLOR][BCOLOR=transparent]Then you sprung it upon me. You saw a Wednesday's child on the news. "He was perfect" you raved, "we simply have to meet him" you insisted. Your earnest face forced me to reluctantly agree. [/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]You tried taking him home the same day.[/BCOLOR][BCOLOR=transparent]And now he's in the other room, you're fast asleep and here I am wide awake due to my perverse desires for my now son. You would never forgive me if I did something to him… I would never forgive myself….because you love him right? And I know he's going to love you. You're going to be an amazing mother Abigail; I simply wish I could be the husband and the father you two deserve.[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]What was his name again? Dario I think it was... I Force myself to forget their names. I remember his face though, I remember because his entire body was like candy. His skin was like caramel, his eyes and hair like chocolate. I can only assume his mouth would have been just as sweet. It was the year I ran away from home.[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]Surely it was a fluke right? I couldn't be like that...I just couldn't be……[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent] it wasn't a fluke...[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]When I was nine I wanted to be a teacher. I've always had love for learning; I had a gift too. By three I was reading independently. I wanted to keep learning things forever and ever and ever. That wasn't the reason I wanted to be a teacher though; the reason was, and I kid you fucking not, was because I wanted to help people. I was a noble fucking kid wasn't I?[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]There was this girl named Annie who was my first crush. She had the most gorgeous curly blond hair and a southern drawl from her time in Georgia, a perfect southern lady that would have pleased any man once she came of age. [/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]Didn't stop the bullies though[/BCOLOR][BCOLOR=transparent].[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]"Idiot, dum-dum, stupid." Taunts such as these were a constant whenever she entered the room and the teacher never did anything about it. You wanna know why she didn't? Because in her eyes the kids were right; to her Annie [/BCOLOR][BCOLOR=transparent]was [/BCOLOR][BCOLOR=transparent]dumb and what she was getting was what she deserved. I remember screaming in front of the entire class that I would die happy if I didn't grow up to be like Mrs. Daan.[/BCOLOR][BCOLOR=transparent]When Annie grew taller than me I lost interest.[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]Realizing that you can never fulfill your greatest dream is a heart shattering experience.[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]Fuck[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]God I wish it was a fluke[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]That was all I ever did to them.[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]It means wearing longs sleeves on the hottest of days,[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]Then I met you, Abigail; My sweet, sweet Abigail it was with you that I found happiness. With your youthful laugh and your slowly greying hair you were everything I should have wanted in life; I told you this in our vows. Please know that I love you.[/BCOLOR][BCOLOR=transparent]Know that I'm doing this because I love you[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]I thought we had given up.[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]I wasn't expecting the boy to have such a beautiful body or soul.[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]Carter was everything you said and more. The diagnosis of asperger's scaring potential families away before they had a chance to meet the brilliant child. His passion for reading and research gave us a bond I was never ready to have. Emerald eyes so excited, so enchanting as he ranted on and on about the works of Edgar Allen Poe only to switch to an entirely different hour long conversation when you pointed to the Japanese kanji on his shirt. Like your niece he was really into anime. I thought he would never stop. I never wanted him to stop.[/BCOLOR][BCOLOR=transparent]You tried taking him home the same day.[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]But I'm not even human am I?[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]So as my final act of love for you and for Carter I will let you have your greatest dream; for the pain of losing your greatest dream is irreversible. I will let you be a mother Abigail, let you have the family that you oh so deserve. A family that I will not be apart of. Please forgive me:[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]Dario[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]Annie[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]Jamie[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]Sam[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]Carter[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]Abigail[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]And to all the children who's names i can't recall.[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]I'm sorry.[/BCOLOR][BCOLOR=transparent]So as my final act of love for you and for Carter I will let you have your greatest dream; for the pain of losing your greatest dream is irreversible. I will let you be a mother Abigail, let you have the family that you oh so deserve. A family that I will not be apart of. Please forgive me:[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]Dario[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]Annie[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]Jamie[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]Sam[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]Carter[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]Abigail[/BCOLOR]
[BCOLOR=transparent]And to all the children who's names i can't recall.[/BCOLOR]
