I'm at a low point... *TRIGGER WARNING*

[Lawkheart]

Yeah... they've been happening a lot more frequently, my panic attacks... and they've started to affect me physically. I've called my doctor, because coughing up blood after having a panic attack is not normal. I've gone to see him and, again, I've been given medication. I have so many pills to take. Two for stabilizing my mood, one anti depressant, two brand name pain killer's for the migraine and now another tranquilizer, along with the first one, to take just before I have a panic attack... But I don't want to take them anymore. I know it'll help me, I know this, mentally I know these pills will help me... but I hate how I feel after I take them.

It's like my whole body becomes numb and I can't feel anything. And this terrifies me... I can't feel happiness or joy or sadness or anger or empathy... nothing... this is truly terrifies me. It's a fear that coils up into my body and spreads through my arms to my finger tips. My body quakes from it and then comes the desperation... to feel something. And I want to turn to my old method.

I want to go to the store and buy razor blades and spend hours just carving into myself, not to see my blood, not because I want attention. Because I want to feel anything, even if its pain. Like an addict experiencing withdrawals.

It's at this point, I get into the shower and turn on only the cold water and let the icy rain beat into my body and bring me a small amount of sting... but it's no longer enough. Diving into a book is no longer enough. Talking with the only friends I have is no longer enough. Writing is starting to not be enough... I don't have anymore reasons not to just do it... cave like I've done so many times before and hurt myself. Relive those painful memories of kids teasing me at school. The image of them laughing while pretending to cut their wrists still haunts my mind on these bad days.

And I have an idea of what you might be thinking. I know, this is not a good thought to have. That I need to learn to control the memories and the urges and maybe even change my medication.

But... It would be a waste... I always think I deserve to suffer... that everything done to me or I experienced was for a reason and my own fault. I can't kill myself because living this life is my punishment... for being born, for hurting my mom... for taking up space... I don't know the reason, but it's deserved, my punishment.

It's sick to think like this isn't it? Just the darkness in my mind... just the depression talking... but even on my good days I think like this. Because... There is no "low self esteem" with me... there is no self esteem. I am drowning in my own mind and I am not reaching out for help... because I don't want to pull anyone down with me.

So... when people tell me that I've made their day... or made them happy... I feel like I'm paying for my badness... in a good way.

All I want is for others to be happy, whether its a stranger on the internet or one of my closest friends, that is all I want... and when I can achieve that... it gives me a few more inches to breath... a few rays of light to keep the darkness from completely consuming me...

 

[Fijoli]

Hang in there....Lawk

It sounds to me like you need a second opinion. I would set yourself up with another Doctor ( keep the one you got ) and see what they say, tell them what you take and tell them what you want and how you feel. Don't give up and don't settle for unhappiness, keep striving for answers and the answers aren't good enough, there are more out there somewhere.

~hugs~

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

<3
Fijo

 

[Lawkheart]

Hang in there....Lawk

It sounds to me like you need a second opinion. I would set yourself up with another Doctor and see what they say, tell them what you take and tell them what you want and how you feel. Don't give up and don't settle for unhappiness, keep striving for answers and the answers aren't good enough, there are more out there somewhere.

~hugs~

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

<3
Fijo

Thank you Fijoli... <3

 

[Jorick]

Urgh, that sounds pretty awful to deal with. It's extremely difficult to pull out of a downward spiral of negativity like that, but all you can really do is keep on trying. Giving up and succumbing to the dark thoughts is tantamount to giving up and dying, because it almost always ends up being a death of the self even if your body remains alive. So long as you're still seeking to break free of the bad things, no matter how heavy the darkness in your mind becomes, there's still hope that you'll break free of it in the end. It'll probably be a long and extremely difficult battle, but such is life.

I have to second Fijoli's suggestion of getting a second opinion, or alternatively ask your current doctor to get you on some different medication that doesn't kill all your emotions. Mood stabilizing medication isn't supposed to make you feel like an emotionless zombie, it's supposed to prevent or dampen the extreme highs and lows that cause problems. Perhaps there are alternative medications that you can try that won't have this unfortunate side effect, which would probably make you feel a lot better since it could, you know, make you actually have positive feelings again.

 

[Lawkheart]

Urgh, that sounds pretty awful to deal with. It's extremely difficult to pull out of a downward spiral of negativity like that, but all you can really do is keep on trying. Giving up and succumbing to the dark thoughts is tantamount to giving up and dying, because it almost always ends up being a death of the self even if your body remains alive. So long as you're still seeking to break free of the bad things, no matter how heavy the darkness in your mind becomes, there's still hope that you'll break free of it in the end. It'll probably be a long and extremely difficult battle, but such is life.

I have to second Fijoli's suggestion of getting a second opinion, or alternatively ask your current doctor to get you on some different medication that doesn't kill all your emotions. Mood stabilizing medication isn't supposed to make you feel like an emotionless zombie, it's supposed to prevent or dampen the extreme highs and lows that cause problems. Perhaps there are alternative medications that you can try that won't have this unfortunate side effect, which would probably make you feel a lot better since it could, you know, make you actually have positive feelings again.

Thank you for your words of encouragement... I'll have to find out if there is other medication I could take that isn't so severe.

 

[Hatsune Candy]

*hugs* There, there, Lawkheart, we're all here for you.

I've never quite gotten to the point of hurting myself like that, but it doesn't take a total genius to know how tough that is. And I can kinda understand your struggle, when I was on my ADHD medication I absolutely hated it. I didn't feel like me anymore, I felt like I was a completely different person. The accomplishments that I was achieving as a result of my medication never felt like they were actually mine to claim, because it was always credited over to those stupid little pills. In a way I suppose I was lucky that I developed an immunity to them.

Of course I realized that's not exactly what you're going through, but it's relatable so I figured I'd share. Now that being said, this is a much more serious situation and I wouldn't recommend going off of your meds on this one. Rather, I agree with the rest in that you should talk to another doctor about it and see if you can get yourself on some different medication that doesn't just completely eat away at your emotions like that, because that's not supposed to happen and it clearly isn't helping you any.

 

[VengefulPeanut]

You have my sympathy and empathy. I can totally understand your struggle. Though my experience of depression is different, I can totally align my feelings with a lot of yours. Just know that you're not alone. There are those there that would give anything to see you keep going just as I'm sure you would them. I think I speak myself and everyone on this site when I say if there's anything I can do just let know. I know I've never spoken to you before and I'm not good for much beyond making an arse of myself but it's like looking at myself in the mirror reading your post so I want to help. If you ever want to talk or anything just let know. ^.^

Alternatively, you can tell me to bog off and mind my own business ^^ Whichever makes you feel better haha.

Disclaimer: When I say anything, I totally mean within reason. Baking you a cake may not be within my very limited repertoire of skills.

 

[Kestrel]

If this is what your medicine does to you, you need to alert your doctor, because it is exactly what it should be trying to prevent. A second opinion would be good, but your current doctor shouldn't ignore this. I know I'm an echo at this point, but please take this seriously.

Anyway. While I'm not trying to down-talk your feelings, the previous replies make it quite obvious other persons their feelings about you don't reflect your own. You're not indebted to anyone, especially not to a collective. I mean if you are, we all are. You're human. You fuck some shit up for others, others fuck some shit up for you. Some things we fuck up worse than others. We all gotta live with some demons. Occasionally that's without saying sorry or restoring some sort of balance. That's the way the world works, even if it doesn't feel right. And don't get me wrong, I'm a total hypocrite for saying that. The truth is, I sympathise with trying to make people feel better as a part of balancing yourself out. I'd be lying if that wasn't part of why I'm posting here. I have periods of complete apathy so I don't identify as a nice or good person, but there's some sort of desire to be one anyway. If I can help someone out that does make me feel a bit better about myself. Which I guess sort of reinforces me being a jerk, but at least I'm an honest one, eh? :P

Seriously though, dealing with this shit is hard. I can only recommend that, if you manage to stabilise a little, to pick a goal to work towards to. Something that you have to work on every day. A drive to which you will, probably painstakingly, push to achieve on both good or bad days. Don't make your entire life a routine, but do make sure it is something you can hold onto. It's probably best if it's a physical activity you can do without too much thought. It could be picking up trash every morning, it could be knitting the entire phonebook a sweater, I don't know. Just from what I can tell, it's easier to deal with X if you can prove to yourself to deal with Y. So yeah, maybe that's a thought?

 

[Xander95]

@Lawkheart I know how you feel. I feel the same thing on a daily basis. But you know what makes me feel something? When I immerse myself in music. I listen to christian music and when I listen to it the music makes me more likely to feel. I suggest you try my method. Listen to music that makes you feel...that makes you feel strong. Music is an age old method but it works. Give it a try and I'm sure it will be better than any medication to control depression, anxiety, etc. I know because I have anxiety and depression and it works.