Now then, let's go through this one piece at a time. *cracks knuckles*
It's said that the one consistent feature in a string of bad relationships is yourself. And replace relationships with roleplays, and that's me.
Ok, but we
aren't talking about relationships, we're talking about roleplays.
The title of this thread is "I'm a bad person, and a worse roleplayer". I don't see any evidence so far to suggest that you're a bad person, and I've already explained why I don't think that a streak of RP failures makes you a bad roleplayer. Are you saying that you think you being a bad roleplayer... makes you a bad person? Because I hardly think that's the case.
Even if you
are a bad roleplayer (which I still don't think is true), that doesn't make you a bad person. Say, for example, that I'm bad at co-op multiplayer in video games, or that I'm bad at group assignments in school. Both of those tasks require working with at least one other person, but that doesn't make them perfectly analogous to relationships, and me being bad at them doesn't make me a "bad person". It just means I lack certain skills. It might even mean that I lack "people skills". But even if I lack the skills necessary to coordinate with another person and complete an assignment on time, that doesn't mean that I'm incapable of offering love and support and kindness to another human being.
In the same way, I don't think you should sell yourself short just because you
might be bad at roleplaying (and the jury's still out on that one).
Sometimes I just can't mesh with my partner,
And that's to be expected.
Personally, I don't do 1x1 RP's. I only do groups. Want to know why? It's because in a group RP, if one member of the group isn't giving me enough content to work with, or isn't doing enough to move the story forward, or just isn't posting often enough or communicating about their reasons for not posting - I'm not completely dependent on them to keep the story going. I can RP with other people in that group. And even if that one player drops out entirely, the rest of us can still move on without them.
But in a 1x1 RP? Everything about your partner has to be perfect, or else the RP dies. Your partner has to be perfect for bouncing ideas off of in order to remain inspired, your partner's posts have to be the perfect length so that they aren't too long or too short for your preferences, they have to move the story forward at the perfect pace so as to not be too passive or too aggressive for your liking, they have to post at the perfect speed so that they're not too slow for you but they're also not so fast that you feel like you can't keep up. You have to have similar communication styles so that you can express when problems come up without there being any hurt feelings or misunderstandings as a result of those conversations. And if something happens and your partner isn't posting often enough, or your partner vanishes off the grid, or you find that you just don't like RPing with them and you want to leave - you know what happens then?
You're done. You have dropped below the minimum requirement of two (2) interested players needed in order to make an RP run. And that means it's dead. After
one player drops out. And there's nothing you can do to salvage it.
Personally, I find that thought... disheartening, and frustrating, and it's the reason why I just can't make 1x1 RP's work for me. Because it feels like the only way to make a 1x1 RP last a long time, is for the stars to align so that you can find the
perfect partner who suits all of your needs. And from what I've heard from people who
do RP primarily in 1x1's? Finding the perfect partner is
hard, and it can take a lot of trial and error.
But the important thing to remember is - it's not your fault if you can't find that perfect partner right away. It's just... statistically difficult. It's like going out in public somewhere and trying to find some stranger who happens to have the same birthday as you. Odds are most people that you ask, won't have the same birthday as you. But that doesn't mean you'll
never find someone who shares your birthday - because they certainly are out there
(although if you were born on Leap Day then I guess your odds are significantly lower, in which case the situation would feel much more hopeless and this is a bad analogy, which I apologize for). And you
certainly aren't a bad person for trying, and failing, even repeatedly.
It's not your fault that you and random stranger #46 happened to be born on different days of the year. Just like it's not your fault that you and RP partner #46 happened to have different personality types, writing styles, posting speeds, and preferences for where the plot should go. None of these differences that set you apart from your partner are negative traits to have. They're just... different. And just like the birthday analogy - you're not a failure just because you haven't found that match yet. You just have to keep searching. And it might take a while. But, again, that doesn't mean you're a failure.
and I let them know of this, and we leave on peaceful terms. I do want to be really clear, I have tried to NOT ghost on anyone, for a good long while. I admit I did do it in the past, but now days, for the last five or so years I have tried to let people know if I'll be gone. The times I have ghosted that were recent, were more stupidity/forgetfulness, than any outright, attempt to do so.
!!! That's good!!! It's good that you let your RP partners know why you can't (or don't want to) RP with them anymore. That's the good and responsible thing to do, and I applaud you for making a deliberate attempt to not ghost anyone.
And I apologize if any of your old partners ever ghosted you. Odds are they were just afraid to say anything, because many people fear that sort of confrontation and think that it's better to leave quietly than to openly reject another person. But if you've ever been on the opposite end of ghosting, then you probably already know that that isn't the case. And I'm sorry if anyone ever made you feel like you're not a good RPer by ghosting you. Just know that it isn't your fault. The person on the other end was probably just scared. ...Either that or they just didn't care enough to respect your feelings and therefore made little to no attempt to get over even a very small fear. Some people are like that, unfortunately. :/ Still not your fault, though.
And, again, I applaud you for doing the right thing whenever you've had to part ways with a partner. That's another piece of evidence which suggests that you are
not a bad person. ^.^
I honestly wish I could be perfect. If I was better, then none of my role plays would end as fast as they do.
Well, I
did say before that you would have to be perfect in order to not have a bunch of dead RP's. But I didn't mean to imply that you should be striving for perfection. I only meant it as a comfort, to let you know that your RP failure rate is normal, and not at all something to beat yourself up over.
. I've done both one x one, and forums. For the latter I've been in charge of forums, and just someone who signed up.
Additionally, although I said that group RP's (in my experience) have better survival rates - that doesn't mean that a poor group RP survival rate is any indicator of you being a bad RPer, either. Low survival rates are kind of the default state even for group RP's. The only reason I've been able to get past that and run such long-lived RP's is because I've learned a lot from my past mistakes in order to keep my RP's running like well-oiled machines, even in the face of drop-outs and other such issues. What I mean is, I've dealt with a lot of trial and error. And I learned that my dead RP's were not signs of my failure, they were just opportunities to learn.
So, don't beat yourself up about having bad luck with group RP's, either.
The worst thing I think I do, is I sometimes say really dumb, stuff. But I also apologize, sometimes I don't think, and usually I'm tired, and I say something stupid, or mean sounding, and after that everything is ruined.
I think you're being too hard on yourself.
It's easy for us humans to get so wrapped up in thinking about what we could possibly be doing wrong... but, the truth is, most of the people around us literally don't care enough to notice our mistakes. Most of them are too wrapped up in thinking about all the things that
they are saying and doing wrong.
But if you
do fear that "everything's ruined" after you say something "stupid, or mean sounding"? Then apologize to the person that you may have wronged. Excessive apologizing in-and-of-itself can be a bit awkward, I know, but it's better than accidentally really upsetting someone and never having the chance to set things right.
Plus, lots of times, even if you worry that you've upset someone - you probably
didn't. But by apologizing for it, you'll at least have the chance to hear the other person say "oh, lol, no worries. You didn't do anything wrong. I just took a while to respond because... [insert explanation of life circumstances that have nothing to do with you here]" And that can at least offer you some reassurance that you're not as bad at this as you think.
Or, if you
did actually hurt someone? Well, you have the chance to not only apologize, but also better understand what you did wrong and learn to avoid it next time.
And if there's just something about your personality or your way of writing that your partner doesn't like, then you have a chance to
talk about these things and maybe even make some compromises so that you and your partner can be in-sync in a way that you wouldn't have otherwise been if you had just been continuing on with your usual way of doing things. That way, you don't need to search for the "perfect partner". Because you can work through the differences you have with your current partner. And that means you don't need to go through as much trial-and-error to find a partner who clicks with you.
You seem to be alluding to the idea that you think you're bad at IRL relationships as well as maintaining RP partnerships. If that's the case, you want to know how to get better at relationships? RP-related or otherwise?
Communicate.
This is literally the biggest thing I can recommend. Open, honest communication with your partner (in
any kind of relationship) can do so much to mend the problems that would otherwise tear a relationship apart.
I sometimes wonder if I do it on purpose, on some subconscious level, like I'm so used to people ditching me, that I try to push them away, because I'm convinced on some level, that they'll leave anyway.
I have considered that I'm actually just meant to be alone. All of my real life friends, they ditched me too. None of the RP's I do work out, for longer than a month, and I'm fairly ready at this point to just accept that .
Like I said before, I don't think it's at all your fault that your RP's haven't been lasting long. I think you just need to put up with a bit more trial-and-error to find a partner who clicks with you (either that, or communicate with a not-so-perfect partner in order to work out the differences between the two of you and find a way to make it work, although this can be difficult and won't always result in a workable substitute for a "perfect partner").
But if "all your real life friends ditched you", then... there are definitely bigger IRL problems happening here which I can't offer as much advice on. Still,
I'm not saying that any of that is your fault, either. In real life, friends drift apart. And that, too, is often nobody's fault. Maintaining friendships (and especially making new ones) into adulthood can be... hard.
Making friends in high school is easy because you have so many people all packed into one building and everyone needs to pick a lunch table to sit at. And that means you're naturally going to see little cliques of people form where people of similar interests will all sit together at the same lunch table every day and often become close friends. Granted, there are times when even this lovely friend-making environment doesn't work out, and you'll have people who are still sitting alone because they can't find anyone to sit with. And that sucks hardcore. And if you were that kid, sitting alone at the lunch table, then I'm not saying there was anything wrong with you back then, either. The system isn't exactly a perfect one, after all. But what I'm trying to say is - if you had friends in high school and they're "ditching" you now, well, just keep in mind - friendships are harder to maintain when you aren't being forced to go to the same building as them five days a week. And that's only one reason (out of many) that an old friendship might fizzle up and die. And 99% of those reasons are just due to life circumstances (like you and your friend not seeing each other every day, because you both have your own lives now and arranging time to hang out can be hard), or just differences over interests and life styles (you and your friend both walked down different paths as you grew up and now you're totally different things).
But it's not your fault that you and your friend are into different things these days or aren't as compatible anymore. Just like it isn't your fault that you probably don't share a birthday with them.
I have no reason to believe that you're a toxic individual who is actively driving people away. To me, you just sound... kind of lonely. And I'm sorry to hear that you feel that way. But saying "I guess I'm just destined to be alone" isn't going to help anything. All you can do to fix your loneliness situation, is to keep trying to make friends. And, just like the search for a perfect RP partner, that can sometimes be a long process filled with lots of trial-and-error. But I find it difficult to believe that you are truly incapable of getting along with
anyone. Odds are, you just need to keep looking.
On the IRL front, I know that making new friends can be really difficult if you're not in an environment that encourages it. College makes it easy to make friends for similar reasons that high school can make it easy - and there are probably student clubs and organizations to look into if that's not enough. If you're not in college, but you have a job, you could try making friends at your workplace... unless you've already tried and no one seems to be interested. Or unless you work from home.
So, if you've tried all of that and you're still having trouble making friends, then I apologize. I'm not sure what other advice I can offer you. BUT that still doesn't mean that you're "destined to be alone". It just means that you're dealing with some bad luck right now and that it might be hard to find any good opportunities to meet any of the people who could potentially turn out to be really great friends. Thankfully, though, no one said you were limited to IRL friends. The internet is a big and beautiful place. And, yes, it might be easier to run into jerks on the internet, but it's also easier to meet lots of nice people. Really, the internet just makes it easy to find
all people if you know where to look. And in my experience, Iwaku's jerk levels are pretty low, while their nice-people levels are pretty high compared to most other forums I've seen. You could definitely try poking around the social areas of the site and getting to know some people. Maybe you could even try to make friends with your roleplay partners? Even if the RP dies, you could still potentially forge a strong friendship.
I'm now very curious to know when your birthday is. Because if it's the same as mine then
wow wouldn't that be a coincidence, especially with me having used that analogy as the crutch of my argument for so much of this post. I was hoping I would see your birthday on your profile and be like "!!! no way!!! it's the same as mine!!! this must be a sign!!! maybe you could message
me and I could be your friend!!! :) " But I didn't see your birthday posted there. And even if it was posted there, odds are it doesn't match mine, so it was kind of ridiculous for me to bank on that being true as I thought about how to end this post.
However!!! Even if we don't share a birthday, we could still possibly be friends. I can't guarantee that we'll have similar interests, personality traits, world views, or anything that would make us click super well as friends. But... I'm willing to at least let you message me and talk about stuff if you're looking for a bit of companionship. And if I try my hardest to be friendly and welcoming and things still fizzle out, well... just know that that isn't your fault, either. You didn't do anything wrong. Just like it isn't your fault that we probably don't share a birthday.
The main thing I want you to take away from all this is: it isn't your fault. It sound like you're down on your luck and have had a hard time finding RP partners (and/or IRL friends) that you click well with. But that doesn't mean you're a bad person, and it doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. It just means you have to keep looking.
"There's lots of fish in the sea," as they say.
