If someone killed themselves because of you, how would you move on?

[Spoilers]

I have near confirmation that an old friend of mine is probably dead...and I think it's my fault. I saw the warning signs, that she probably had depression, but I didn't take them seriously enough. She was always kind of fussy, by nature, that was just her.

I heard that she apparently is deceased. I have no actual proof, beyond word of mouth...what's weird is that internet search won't reveal a thing. I know her exact address, her last name, the first, and last names of her parents, I don't know her first name exactly.

Still thinking that she killed herself, and I contributed to it, by not being there when I should of, is really eating at me. If I could find an actual, obituary on her, I think I'd have some closure at least, it would not make me feel better, but I'd rather be certain, than just hearing it from someone else.

I feel like trash. What would you folks do in this situation?

 

[Kagayours]

You shouldn't blame yourself. Even if she was still alive, and you were sitting here thinking "she's probably depressed and I should be doing something to help so that she doesn't die", no one should have to put that kind of weight on their shoulders. Yes, it's good to be there for your friend, when you can, but we all have our own lives to worry about, too. And it's not healthy to think that you can, or should, or should have, drop(ped) everything just to fix everything in her life.

I don't know what made her suicidal, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say it was due to a lot more than just one person choosing to not spend all of his time on her. And while it would've been good for her to get more help... it ultimately just doesn't make sense to place all that blame on yourself, nor is it healthy.

I'm sure you must be hurting right now, and honestly I'm not sure what I could say to help you "move on", since I'm lucky enough to have never been in this situation. But, all I know is, you shouldn't blame yourself. It isn't healthy, and it probably isn't even accurate.

 

[Vars]

I and an internet friend were suicidal and frequently talked over MSN IM for years. One day I was super moody and he was suicidal. I can't remember exactly what the conversation was about, but it ended up with him saying he should kill himself and me, instead of trying to be supportive, saying he should stop talking about it and do it.
And he did.
And that screwed me up for years.

But eventually, I did get over it. I am a firm believer that if someone wants to kill themselves, they should be able to. Maybe it was a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Maybe the problem could've been fixed without suicide. But we can't rewind time. The only thing thinking about depressing past events does is make you depressed. Even in a case like mine, I am not 100% of the reason the guy killed himself. He had his own problems, and even if they were temporary, in that moment, they were bad enough to want to die over.

We can believe that they accomplished what they wanted, or what they felt they needed to at the time - that's a nice thought and may be true.
Or we can recognize that the past is the past, there is no changing it, so why waste time being upset over it? This is true regardless.

Not to say a period of mourning isn't acceptable. It does suck not even having closure.
But another lesson I learned is that not every question has answers, and not every answer is able to be understood by us.

If you firmly believe this situation was at least partially caused by you, just take it as a learning experience now and help that shape who you become. I was a huge asshole. I will never, ever, tell someone to kill themselves again. I will not even joke about it. If your situation has changed you to always be there for suicidal people, then you do you.

The best we can do is become the best we can.

Best of luck to you.

 

[determinator]

this might come off as a little insensitive, but if you weren't there egging her on, you didn't cause it.

"not being there" is not necessarily correlated and beating yourself up about it isn't going to help. please, grieve as much as you need, but consider that if it was going to happen, it probably would have regardless of if you were there or not.

this kinda decision is never just about one factor, so i doubt that you were one of the causes, let alone a main one. just being absent isn't a catalyst for "causing" anything to happen, either; you weren't there to cause anything in the first place, and while i'd think the same thing about not being there for them, it'll keep eating you away if you keep thinking about it, because you probably won't find a definitive answer either way.

i agree with the above about you not being responsible for another person's emotions, and that it's unhealthy to expect yourself to be able to fix others' problems. it would have been for both of you. you would have given up too much of yourself for her/the other person, and whether or not she/they actually improved would be a crapshoot because if someone else is doing everything for them (different from just giving support), then there's little to no agency.

it happens a lot with caregivers of people with mental illness, unsurprisingly.


anyway, here's just a rundown:

• blaming yourself is not productive and will go in circles because searching for those answers will turn up nothing concrete, while simultaneously feeding into the bias that you had something to do with it.
• provided she killed herself, i highly doubt you were one of the causes of it, and yes, there are invariably multiple causes to someone doing this
• it is natural for people around a loved one who committed suicide to blame themselves without due reason, so you're not alone
• for future reference, giving up too much of yourself for someone else is detrimental to both parties and it might sound good at the time, but it's not. you're a good person for wanting to be there for someone, but please don't go overboard with the self-sacrifice.
• by all means, please grieve because you won't be able to move forward without facing it properly. so don't take anything here as a reason to just not feel bad, because of course you're going to; someone close to you died.

just, take care of yourself, and try to practice some self-compassion. if you haven't turned anything up yet, you're unlikely to, and ruminating about this will make your moods worse, so do try to just take a break and give yourself a bit of time to breathe and just have emotion.

little story of my own experience; it's a little dark (there is no death), so don't read it if you're squeamish

i spent time in a ward a long time ago and during one of those trips, i had a roommate called "alice". i don't believe this was her real name, so i won't bother giving an alias

very nice, cheery, albeit snarky type of person. made a lot of death/mental illness/suicide jokes. in retrospect, no shit, she was faking that. i didn't really see it back then, though.

to cut the story down, everyone went out to lunch one day and she was staying behind to take a shower, and she came back midway through to get food and sit across from me, beaming, and she told me flat out that she tried to hang herself with the shower curtain and "I suck so hard/am so useless, I can't even kill myself correctly."

point of this is, i couldn't do a damn thing about it.
back then, i don't know if it was just naivete or that mixed with just not being able to control those things, but i was under the impression that we were at least something akin to friends since we opened up to each other and confided in things and vented and whatnot, but it still happened.

and back then, i felt like shit about it too, because i thought maybe i could have been there or said something (also with a lace of 'if she'd said something/reached out, someone could have helped'), and that it could've been prevented if i did so.

nowadays, i know that things are so simple, and even if you're there for them and close and all of that, they might still be hiding something dark because they don't want to burden anyone with it, or don't think they're worth it, or don't want to deal with the panic worry, etc.—and that is not your fault. you're not bad or deficient for it, and you're not at fault for anything that happens. . .and if someone really wants to do that, they'll find a way to try/do it, regardless of their support system (or lack thereof) and options, because they might just not see it that way. i sure as shit haven't lmao.


that said, if i'm in that state of mind and sit at the edge and it takes willpower to keep my last dregs of sanity, i'm not concerned about who is there for support, or who can help me, or who can get me out—it's the pain. and i'm projecting this, but i wouldn't blame any of the people that love/care about me for that decision. they're not the arbiters of my fate, nor the ultimate caretakers of my emotions, and a lot of the time i just can't bring myself to hurt them with that stuff. (i have more self-awareness, though.) if i'm keeping to myself and just ghost on them and something happens. . .they're not at fault for anything. and, like you, they'd be left behind to wonder about the radio silence and panic at some point about the disappearance, thinking they're at fault or they could have stopped it if they were just there.

honestly, you can be there and that's invaluable, but a lot of us reject that or take it for granted when we're at our weakest because it's so damn hard to open up and be vulnerable around people, and there's the whole deal with burdening others with that, when they've got their own problems. it's a warped mindset, but that's the nature of it.

if there's any definitive 'fault' to be had here, i don't think it can be put on you or even her, and please don't eat yourself up inside about it for longer than you need to to get it out. when it comes down to it, you didn't pull the trigger or make the noose or give them the pills or whatever their choice to go out, and being absent isn't a sign of fault.

god, i meandered a lot lmao

edit: god i hope that all wasn't too dark or didn't come off badly or anything
i try not to sugarcoat this kind of stuff too much