I need help.

[Dreaded Sonata]

I just ended a relationship of a little more then a year with my boy friend. I need help because he has no where to go, and I did not feel right just sending him to fend for himself. He is disabled, and has very limited income, so he can not just move. Everyday since our break up it has been one arguement after another due to the fact I am going other places with friends because it is way too awkward here at the apartment.

Our arguements range from him trying to control my actions (which is one of the reasons we broke up) to getting jumped all over for texting, or such on my phone.

I am trying to be nice, I am trying to be a friend, but this is way too much. I just want to be left alone, but every time I do anything it is like I am back in the relationship breaking my back to change who I am because he does not like something. Please he has no where to go, but I can not take any more of this.

 

[Fijoli]

You might have to have a friend come and stay with you for a while. It is your place so you get to have that much of a say at least. You can't be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home and well...you might have to make him uncomfortable.

You have to regain control, but figuring out how may actually depend on the friends you have. If they can't come stay with you then you go stay with them for a few days. Make sure it's a girlfriend, boys only lead to more trouble in situations like this.


I am sorry you are dealing with such an uncomfortable situation and hope you can resolve this soon.

Best of luck
Fijo <3

 

[Dreaded Sonata]

I would go stay with someone else, but I can not take my cat, or dog. I refuse to leave them as he already wants my little Coa Coa. I do not really have a social life anymore as I was never allowed to talk to my friends during the duration of our relationship. I do not want to make him into a bad person, but I feel this is not how one should act. Is it so much to ask that this situation not be a never ending pool of drama?

 

[York]

I would go stay with someone else, but I can not take my cat, or dog. I refuse to leave them as he already wants my little Coa Coa. I do not really have a social life anymore as I was never allowed to talk to my friends during the duration of our relationship. I do not want to make him into a bad person, but I feel this is not how one should act. Is it so much to ask that this situation not be a never ending pool of drama?

If it's an endless cycle, the matter is how and where to break it usually. Depending on how the cycle of drama goes, there's often a pattern that can be figured out and discontinued if the right methods are applied. However since I myself am not in your shoes I can't make any advanced guesses, what I said is simply my 2 cents on the situation.

 

[Fijoli]

If you are not willing to sacrifice something somewhere then unfortunately yes...you are asking too much of a very inflamed situation. DON'T FEED THE FIRE.

- Don't explain yourself to him, he isn't your boyfriend anymore

- Don't even respond or talk to him, unless he is acting like a normal human being

- If he starts to act out leave the room, or go for a walk (walking relieves stress and helps to clear your head AND its great exercise!)

- If you have your own room ( which I hope you do ) retreat to that space and ignore him.


you cannot control another human being bt I find myself giving this advice an awful lot...
Focus on you! the only thing you have absolute control over is yourself.

- do not let him upset you, his words are based on his own perceptions and his own reality that is NOT the same as yours.

- don't defend yourself to him, if he wants to be nasty and start things let him, you are stronger than the situation.

- distract yourself, write, listen to music, watch a movie with friends on skype, do some challenges or exercises on Iwaku, completely fill your time with things you enjoy doing and forget about the negative things.

The way you portray your ex is extremely indecisive, If I was in this situation, I would call his family and or the Police and let the Police/family deal with him. You cannot continue to take responsibility for him, his actions, or his well being, it sends a mixed signal and he may be thinking there is a chance with you still.

If this escalates you will have to be more aggressive and assertive for your own good. This kind of stress kills and over someone you claim to want no intimate relations with. There are ways to get him out of your home, but you don't seem aggressive enough to go through with them.

Unfortunately the fact that he is disabled requires someone else to care for him and be responsible for him, and as long as you are allowing him to stay in your home, that person is you. you seem like a wonderful, sweet, and caring person you are almost obliged by your own nature to be responsible for him.

Just prepare yourself to be assertive cause it seems like you have put yourself in quite a predicament and it might have to get a little worse before the storm clears. :(

absolutely contact your friends contact someone for help. Don't go through this alone. Family or friends, get their opinions too.

 

[Diana]

Kick him out. Someone being disabled does not give them a free pass to behave like a jerk. If he can't control his behavior in YOUR home, he has no right to stay there. You shouldn't feel bad for making him leave. I promise you, he'll survive just fine!

We get ourselves in to too many bad situations because we don't want to seem mean, and then allow people to get away with stuff that they shouldn't. D: Don't be afraid.

 

[Dreaded Sonata]

Okay. I suppose I should tell you what is going on. When I started this relationship everything was well enough. At the time I was depressed, and just wanted someone who cared. As time went on I began to feel a bit trapped. Some times we would argue about me going out with friends. In time that became more of I was not allowed to have guy friends because he though I would cheat with them, at the same time I was not allowed to have my girl friends because he thought I would realize I was a lesbian, and leave him. As time went on this grew to slowly include family out of fear they would talk me out of the relastionship.

I stayed hoping things might get better, but they never did no matter how mich we talked about it. I was not trusted enough to go places by myself, and he even tried to force me to quit my job. It was then I blew up, and had several screaming matches with him. Which made him back off of the subject.

I am expected to do all of the cleaning in a house that is always dirty, do all the dishes, and still make hours of the day just to talk. Which we never did, but if I was doing something on my phone it caused an arguement.

At some point I do not even know when, this became my life. I felt more of in a daze, and just kept my head down. I was "rewarded" for this in the form of hanging out with my best friend. Who I had not seen in a little more then half a year at this point.

As time went on I just slowly began to get sick of everything. When I joined Iwaku it started a huge arguement, and that was when I began to roll the idea of breaking up around. It kept getting worse, and I became more, and more sure it was the best option. As of late I had been helping a friend, who during the coarse I did develope strong feelings for. I will never cheat though, and choose to stay until me, and him had a fight about my friend. It was the last straw, and I broke. The only reason he is still here is because his family is in Financial trouble all round. His friends will not let him come stay with them, and I did not want to make anyone homeless. Which brings us here. To the daily drama that is my home life.

@Fijoli @Diana

I am done with it, and I promise the both of you. If it goes on I will force his dad to take him. The man loves me to death.

 

[Fijoli]

I wish you the best of luck <3 and
Take care of yourself, love.

 

[Dreaded Sonata]

UPDATE:

So I got support from my family, and friends. He will be leaving at the end of the month, and staying with his friends, family, or what ever I do not care at this point. My family assured me that if I needed any help in any way that they would be there for me. As of right now we still live together, but I do believe I have finally gotten the we are not together anymore idea across. As he is no longer making an attempt at running my life. It just came down to his expenses as to him trying to stay, which I took out of the picture by giving him my old bed (Will be getting a new one), and old tv (I have a better one). So he is going to be out, and I made it clear this was not open for discussion. He only gets to stay till the end of the month as that is when his part of the rent runs out.

GO ME >^.^<

 

[Edwin Felspar]

I just ran across this thread and after the last post wanted to say congratulations. That's hard to do. That kind of one sided controlling relationship is abuse. I wish I'd had the courage to leave my ex like that (she ended up leaving me, so things worked out in the end).