I feel like the problems of others mitigate my own

[AirQuest]

I sometimes feel like I need to talk to people about certain issues in my life, but then I think about how others have it worse than I do, and I feel like; "What right do I have to complain?" It makes me feel as though my own problems don't really matter.

I tried to nurse a kitten to health one time, it was only a week old, and it died. I was very sad, and a friend of mine complained about how they had been grounded, for the night, and could not leave the house. I felt like it was my duty to let them vent, and I never mentioned the kitten at all, or how sad I felt about it.

I've had worse days occur, worse things than the kitten dying happen, and I just always feel like it's not my place to say anything. When I do vent, I keep it small. I might tell a friend that my toast was burnt in the morning, but if something physical happens to me, I just don't say anything.

 

[Kagayours]

I sometimes feel like I need to talk to people about certain issues in my life, but then I think about how others have it worse than I do, and I feel like; "What right do I have to complain?" It makes me feel as though my own problems don't really matter.

Listen.

There's always going to be someone who has it worse than you, but that doesn't mean that your problems don't matter. There's no need for that kind of Oppression Olympics. If someone out there having it worse than you meant that your problems didn't exist, then that would mean that the only people with "real" problems are the most starving, abused, beaten, HIV-positive, orphaned kids in Africa whose parents died of malaria. And while the problems those children face are very real, I don't think it's fair to say that they're the only ones with any sort of problems.

Just don't fall into the trap of thinking that your problems don't matter. It can be a very destructive mindset. :/

I tried to nurse a kitten to health one time, it was only a week old, and it died. I was very sad, and a friend of mine complained about how they had been grounded, for the night, and could not leave the house. I felt like it was my duty to let them vent, and I never mentioned the kitten at all, or how sad I felt about it.

:/ I don't know much about your relationship with this friend, but I certainly find it difficult to see them at fault when they didn't even know about the kitten. I can understand why you'd feel wrong about changing the conversation to be about your own problems when your friend is trying to vent (especially if you don't want them to feel like their problems aren't important), but...

I've had worse days occur, worse things than the kitten dying happen, and I just always feel like it's not my place to say anything. When I do vent, I keep it small. I might tell a friend that my toast was burnt in the morning, but if something physical happens to me, I just don't say anything.

:< I certainly don't think it's a good idea to avoid venting altogether. It's not healthy to bottle things up like that, especially if the reason why you're bottling things up is because you feel that you shouldn't complain about anything. If you don't want to vent about something that happened to you while another friend is venting about their own problems then that makes sense, but you should still have some other outlet for your emotions. I know you said that you're wary of your school counselor, but, do you have any other friends that you'd be comfortable talking to? If not, well, my inbox is always open, at the very least.

And what's this about not wanting to talk about "something physical" happening to you? Ordinarily I would think that physical injuries would be easier to talk about than emotional problems (and the fact that physical injuries tend to be more outwardly visible also makes them harder to hide...). I don't know why you feel the need to avoid talking about physical things that happen to you, but I can't help but feel a bit concerned... o_o"

 

[AirQuest]

Listen.

There's always going to be someone who has it worse than you, but that doesn't mean that your problems don't matter. There's no need for that kind of Oppression Olympics. If someone out there having it worse than you meant that your problems didn't exist, then that would mean that the only people with "real" problems are the most starving, abused, beaten, HIV-positive, orphaned kids in Africa whose parents died of malaria. And while the problems those children face are very real, I don't think it's fair to say that they're the only ones with any sort of problems.

Just don't fall into the trap of thinking that your problems don't matter. It can be a very destructive mindset. :/


:/ I don't know much about your relationship with this friend, but I certainly find it difficult to see them at fault when they didn't even know about the kitten. I can understand why you'd feel wrong about changing the conversation to be about your own problems when your friend is trying to vent (especially if you don't want them to feel like their problems aren't important), but...


:< I certainly don't think it's a good idea to avoid venting altogether. It's not healthy to bottle things up like that, especially if the reason why you're bottling things up is because you feel that you shouldn't complain about anything. If you don't want to vent about something that happened to you while another friend is venting about their own problems then that makes sense, but you should still have some other outlet for your emotions. I know you said that you're wary of your school counselor, but, do you have any other friends that you'd be comfortable talking to? If not, well, my inbox is always open, at the very least.

And what's this about not wanting to talk about "something physical" happening to you? Ordinarily I would think that physical injuries would be easier to talk about than emotional problems (and the fact that physical injuries tend to be more outwardly visible also makes them harder to hide...). I don't know why you feel the need to avoid talking about physical things that happen to you, but I can't help but feel a bit concerned... o_o"

I'm unsure of how to fully respond, so I'll try to address certain things. My friend did know about the kitten.

I know I specified physical issues, but I bottle up emotional turmoil as well.

Thanks for talking with me.

 

[Kagayours]

I'm unsure of how to fully respond, so I'll try to address certain things. My friend did know about the kitten.

So... they knew that the kitten died (which implies that you must've told them about it at some point), but you also said you didn't want to vent about it. Did they realize how upset you were? Perhaps they didn't think you were too upset by it because you didn't let any of that show. o_o

 

[AirQuest]

So... they knew that the kitten died (which implies that you must've told them about it at some point), but you also said you didn't want to vent about it. Did they realize how upset you were? Perhaps they didn't think you were too upset by it because you didn't let any of that show. o_o

I like helping people. I was sad about the kitten, but my friend they don't see eye to eye with their parents. My friend is laidback, but emotional, a "dreamer" and their parents are a couple of old school, hard work, efficiency, and results are all that matters. I do want to stress they are nice people, but my friend tends to take their traits out of proportion, so when I was told of the grounding I figured I would push the kitten to the back of my mind, because when my friend is mad at their parents, they have to get it out right away, whereas I don't.

 

[Kagayours]

I like helping people. I was sad about the kitten, but my friend they don't see eye to eye with their parents. My friend is laidback, but emotional, a "dreamer" and their parents are a couple of old school, hard work, efficiency, and results are all that matters. I do want to stress they are nice people, but my friend tends to take their traits out of proportion, so when I was told of the grounding I figured I would push the kitten to the back of my mind, because when my friend is mad at their parents, they have to get it out right away, whereas I don't.

Ok then. That's very understandable.

But, there's still a difference between "Perhaps I shouldn't talk about my problems at this very moment because my friend needs emotional support right now", and, "I shouldn't talk about my problems at all because they aren't important".

With the former, you might avoid talking about your problems with specific people in specific contexts, but you still have a healthy outlet for your problems somewhere, which is good. But with the latter... well, the latter is just a destructive mindset that leaves you unable to ever talk about your problems with anyone.


Is this friend usually one of the first people you go to for emotional support? And if so, do you find that this situation of them needing to vent about their problems and making you feel like you have to silence yours happens often?

 

[AirQuest]

So... they knew that the kitten died (which implies that you must've told them about it at some point), but you also said you didn't want to vent about it. Did they realize how upset you were? Perhaps they didn't think you were too upset by it because you didn't let any of that show. o_o

It also partially stems from my younger days. I remember when I was younger than I am now, I would feel down in the dumps, and then someone else would tell me how extra nice I need to be to someone else feeling sad. It was like I would be feeling down, because a friend of mine left ( they moved away, they did not die.) and I was really bummed, because I'm really shy in real life, and they were my only friend at the time. So I'm feeling down, and everyone else is all; "Now Air you have to be gentle with this person, because they lost their job, and they're sad about it."

It made me feel like they were saying I have to listen to the issues of others, or at least be empathetic, but not discuss my own.

 

[AirQuest]

Ok then. That's very understandable.

But, there's still a difference between "Perhaps I shouldn't talk about my problems at this very moment because my friend needs emotional support right now", and, "I shouldn't talk about my problems at all because they aren't important".

With the former, you might avoid talking about your problems with specific people in specific contexts, but you still have a healthy outlet for your problems somewhere, which is good. But with the latter... well, the latter is just a destructive mindset that leaves you unable to ever talk about your problems with anyone.


Is this friend usually one of the first people you go to for emotional support? And if so, do you find that this situation of them needing to vent about their problems and making you feel like you have to silence yours happens often?

I have the latter. I used to go to my grandma for emotional support, but she passed away two years ago. I mean for venting. With my friends the emotional support is more like I feel like I'm the one who has to be supportive.

 

[AirQuest]

I have the latter. I used to go to my grandma for emotional support, but she passed away two years ago. I mean for venting. With my friends the emotional support is more like I feel like I'm the one who has to be supportive.

Also there are times when I'm bothered by things that to others seem stupid, and I can admit sometimes they kind of are, but instead of empathizing with me, people for some reason try to debate me.

 

[AirQuest]

Ok then. That's very understandable.

But, there's still a difference between "Perhaps I shouldn't talk about my problems at this very moment because my friend needs emotional support right now", and, "I shouldn't talk about my problems at all because they aren't important".

With the former, you might avoid talking about your problems with specific people in specific contexts, but you still have a healthy outlet for your problems somewhere, which is good. But with the latter... well, the latter is just a destructive mindset that leaves you unable to ever talk about your problems with anyone.


Is this friend usually one of the first people you go to for emotional support? And if so, do you find that this situation of them needing to vent about their problems and making you feel like you have to silence yours happens often?

I do vent about small problems.

 

[Kagayours]

It also partially stems from my younger days. I remember when I was younger than I am now, I would feel down in the dumps, and then someone else would tell me how extra nice I need to be to someone else feeling sad. It was like I would be feeling down, because a friend of mine left ( they moved away, they did not die.) and I was really bummed, because I'm really shy in real life, and they were my only friend at the time. So I'm feeling down, and everyone else is all; "Now Air you have to be gentle with this person, because they lost their job, and they're sad about it."

It made me feel like they were saying I have to listen to the issues of others, or at least be empathetic, but not discuss my own.

:/ I mean... it's good to be nice to people who are feeling down, but the mindset that you have to always hide your own problems just because other people are struggling with theirs is a really shitty one. >.<

And like... even if you don't vent about your problems while other people are dealing with theirs, my point is that there should be some outlet for you to vent. o_o

I have the latter. I used to go to my grandma for emotional support, but she passed away two years ago. I mean for venting. With my friends the emotional support is more like I feel like I'm the one who has to be supportive.

><" That really isn't healthy... I mean, being there for your friends is good, but it shouldn't be one-sided. You shouldn't always be the one giving support without ever having any support of your own.

Also there are times when I'm bothered by things that to others seem stupid, and I can admit sometimes they kind of are, but instead of empathizing with me, people for some reason try to debate me.

That's really shitty of them. I'm sorry you've had to deal with that. ><" Like I said, talking about personal problems doesn't have to be the Oppression Olympics...

I do vent about small problems.

Ok, but, venting about your toast getting burnt isn't the same as being able to vent about the much bigger things that are really bothering you. :/ I'm afraid of you bottling all of that up...

 

[AirQuest]

:/ I mean... it's good to be nice to people who are feeling down, but the mindset that you have to always hide your own problems just because other people are struggling with theirs is a really shitty one. >.<

And like... even if you don't vent about your problems while other people are dealing with theirs, my point is that there should be some outlet for you to vent. o_o


><" That really isn't healthy... I mean, being there for your friends is good, but it shouldn't be one-sided. You shouldn't always be the one giving support without ever having any support of your own.


That's really shitty of them. I'm sorry you've had to deal with that. ><" Like I said, talking about personal problems doesn't have to be the Oppression Olympics...


Ok, but, venting about your toast getting burnt isn't the same as being able to vent about the much bigger things that are really bothering you. :/ I'm afraid of you bottling all of that up...

I feel like I want to PM you, but I don't want to overstep my boundaries.

 

[Kagayours]

I feel like I want to PM you, but I don't want to overstep my boundaries.

No no, it's fine. You're welcome to PM me.

 

[Chapeau de Paille]

I sometimes feel like I need to talk to people about certain issues in my life, but then I think about how others have it worse than I do, and I feel like; "What right do I have to complain?" It makes me feel as though my own problems don't really matter.

I tried to nurse a kitten to health one time, it was only a week old, and it died. I was very sad, and a friend of mine complained about how they had been grounded, for the night, and could not leave the house. I felt like it was my duty to let them vent, and I never mentioned the kitten at all, or how sad I felt about it.

I've had worse days occur, worse things than the kitten dying happen, and I just always feel like it's not my place to say anything. When I do vent, I keep it small. I might tell a friend that my toast was burnt in the morning, but if something physical happens to me, I just don't say anything.

You know, everyone have issues in their lives, just because "you have it less" doesn't mean they don't matter,
i'm just saying.

 

[howl]

Yes to a lot of what Kagayours is saying.

I can relate to both mindsets.

I think it's important to remember that, like what Kaga and Chapeau have said, there will always be someone who's worse off and it doesn't make your struggles any less of a struggle. It's okay to feel sad over something bad happening to you, because it's human nature. Bad things = sad in almost every case. I don't know what else you're going through but something like witnessing death can be very disturbing, even if it's an animal.

I also think it's very important to find some kind of outlet for your feelings. Venting to people is something I find useful when I can do it- it helps me sort through my thoughts and feelings, explaining the situation helps me confirm or change my perceptions of it, and even just complaining for a bit improves my mood.

It is super unfair if other people have made you to feel like you sharing your feelings is a burden, especially if they then asked you to consider other people's feelings. Why are their feelings worth any more than yours? The answer is that theirs aren't, even if they're in some type of authority position, their position and importance are an abstract social construct. All humans go through pain. Not a single person asked to be born or have these problems. All humans are social, and need to feel less lonely. We get sick if we never have any time to take care of ourselves.

You can only ever be you, and you'll only ever have this life, so you should always take care of yourself even if it means asking for a turn to vent, or finding a new friend who you have mutual understanding with where you can both vent freely and equally- you don't have to drop any of your current friends either. It's not being selfish to want your basic needs met!

Having to always support other people and not yourself is downright exhausting, and no one should be forced into that.

On the other hand, it's understandable to be afraid of asking for a turn to vent or feeling like a burden. I can't help feeling that way. If you struggle feeling this way it's not your fault either- we're all, in part, products of genetics and our environment.

If you feel like you can't talk to your friend, lots of people use journaling to cope. I personally like the app Vent. You make an account, and it's basically for the express purpose of shouting your complaints to the sky. But also, people can "react" to your posts with hug/"you're not alone"/etc buttons. Or you can set your account to private too, so only users you approve can read your posts.

There's other websites and apps for venting. I've heard 7cupsoftea and The Comfort Spot are good websites, but I personally haven't tried using either of them.