How to drive your wife insane. (If you want a dysfunctional marriage, that is)

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Scripturient, Apr 24, 2015.

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  1. After living apart for a year, I was under the delusion that when my husband and I moved back under the same roof, things would be exactly how they were before he left. Man, was I fucking wrong! It seems like now I'm starting to notice all the little things my husband does that drives me absolutely bat shit crazy, and all in under one week of living together.

    So, I decided to compile a list for all you married/committed men out there on how to drive your wife/SO completely insane. (You should follow each and every one of them if you really want to make them fucking crazy!)

    1.) Ask if there's gravy each and every time you ask what's for dinner. Sure, she/he has told you a hundred times there's no gravy in the house, and not every freaking meal needs it, but you should ask anyway just in case. You never know, they may have suddenly changed their minds and become a gravy nut like you.

    2.) Hint that it would be really nice if you had something that they put away/washed for you at every possible second. Sure, they were nice enough to toss your smelly sneakers in the washing machine, or toss some of your old junk in the closet so it was out of sight, this means that they are the only person capable of retrieving said item. Don't bother getting it yourself, simply harass them until they snap. They'll love you for it.

    3.) Dump all the clean clothes on the floor in search of your things that they've put in the dirty clothes. There's nothing like having to rewash nice clean clothes that are folded and ready to be put away. We thrive on doing laundry a hundred times a day, and carrying heavy laundry baskets up and down the stairs. It's what we live for!

    4.) Please feel free to slap/poke our asses when our hands are full. And to really get us going, make sure the item in our hand is extremely hot or full of dirty water.

    5.) Send us to punish the kids when you're sitting there watching them commit whatever punishable act and we're not even in the room! We're not with them all damn day. We get our kicks off sending our kids to their rooms or making them stay in the house to drive us crazy all night. By all means, please don't get up and trouble yourself. You've worked hard sitting on the couch for the past hour, and the dinner burning in the oven isn't going to taste any worse if it burns for a few more minutes.

    6.) Please feel free to intrude upon the only five seconds of peace we get with stressful questions. As an added bonus, please do it while we're sitting on the toilet. Nothing makes it easier to relieve yourself than having someone standing across from you talking about bills.

    7.) We absolutely love it when you spoil our shows for us! I mean it. We missed last week's GoT? Please don't hesitate to tell us every detail about the episode from start to finish.

    This is just a start of things we SO's love dealing with. By all means, add your own.
  2. Volume two!

    1.) Ask your wife repeatedly where the mop is, and when she tells you that she doesn't use one, but scrubs the floor on her hands and knees simply say "Okay, I'll let you clean the floor then. I just knocked over my coffee cup in there." Because she doesn't have enough to do as it is!

    2.) Stare at her for minutes while repeatedly claiming "Nothing" when she asks what's wrong. Women are mind readers. We already know what the problem is, but are simply waiting for you to say it.

    3.) Barge into the bathroom along with screaming kids and ask us to handle the problem. No, we didn't want five seconds of peace and quiet at all! Sure, we can handle the problem we didn't witness, we don't need you to sort it out for us.

    4.) Steal her pink lighter, then complain when the guys at work tease you about it. We buy girly things for a reason. If we wanted a guy who enjoys pink flowers on everything, they most likely would have not been interested in marrying/reproducing with us.

    5.) Wake us from a dead sleep because you can't sleep. Because two miserably grouchy people lacking caffeine and rest always makes for the beginnings of a good day.

    6.) Insist that we give your ex-girlfriend a chance. Seriously, do you even need to think on that one? Really, we're happy to meet them! And after all, it's only right that we keep an open mind after you've bitched and complained about our family inviting over our ex, who just happens to be friends of the family. Of course I'll tell my mother not to invite him to my stepfather's birthday party! His dad has only been friends with him for 18 years which is longer than we've been together. And of course I'll go out to dinner with your ex and her husband, because I totally want to meet every woman you've slept with in the past!

    7.) We simply love it when you grab our asses while we're trying to sleep, and ask if we want to 'snuggle'. Nope, we weren't currently half way to dreamland, and the kids can wake themselves up to get ready for school. We don't need our sleep at all!

    Next time on tips to drive your wife crazy, I'll talk about how bitching about your missing socks makes our day complete, and how to really drive your wife insane by flushing the toilet while she's in the shower without warning her in advance!
  3. No man is ever going to love me. So, be happy that you have someone that does this. I'd gladly exchange lives with you.
  4. Welp, this went from a factually entertaining thread to something else.

    Quit being so self-deprecating and maybe you'll find the right someone.

    Unless you're one of those fancy somethingsomething-sexuals who aren't into men, in which case that would explain it.
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  5. I was trying to figure out how things took a turn myself. o.O

    -Reads the whole thing over again.- Where does it say that I'm miserable and want to change my life? I just want my husband to think before he does things.

    Not saying I don't drive him nuts in my own way. I plan on doing a 'How to drive your husband crazy' thing next, including tips on how to not make up your mind when going to a restaurant, and getting lost following directions. =D
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  6. This I look forward to with knowledge that I'm going to use it against my spouse.

    Edit: I didn't mean you were self-deprecating.
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  7. Oh silly nydanna

    Didnt you know that when the husband has 3 kids, the wife has 4?

    Husbands don't think! We do!
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  8. Thank you, I feel much better now. I forgot that humor was an essential part of the 'counseling' section.

    I'm sorry for hijacking your thread, @Nydanna.
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  9. This is something I'd definitely read. XD
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