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As promised, here is my advice to all you ladies out there on how to make your marriage dysfunctionally perfect! Take it from me, I'm an expert with nearly 15 years under my belt!
1.) Always forget what he asks you to get him when you go to the store. The fact that you have to run out and waste gas going to get it, or he has to go out and get it himself will brighten up his day.
2.) While at the store, call him a half dozen times to ask what brand/flavor of anything he wants! Sure, you've bought it a hundred million times before, but have you ever been down the coffee aisle? How could he possibly expect you to remember which one he likes? If he refuses to answer, grab the first thing that's on sale and boast about how much you saved. He won't care that you got him some fruity shit he hates, as long as you saved a few bucks buying something that will sit on the shelf untouched for years!
3.) Get lost anyway possible. Bonus if you're in two different states. Erase your GPS settings. Accidentally throw away your directions, and find yourself stuck in the worst part of town with big Bubba standing on the corner looking as if he's about to skull rape you. Then call up your man crying hysterically that you're about to pee your pants, and have no fucking clue where the hell you are. He'll love navigating you to safety while trying to decipher your hysterics. It makes him feel loved and needed. <3
4.) Hear a tiny noise in the middle of the night? Shoot up in bed screaming that someone's trying to break into the house, especially when he has to wake up at 4 in the morning for work. Nothing gets the blood pumping faster than intruder that turns out to be the cat digging through the litter box.
5.) Insist that you drive everywhere you go together, and drive far more cautiously than you would when he isn't in the car. Go ten miles under the speed limit. Stop a mile away from the red light. He'll appreciate your caution, and admire your old person driving prowess.
6.) Don't forget ladies, always throw something red in with his socks/teeshirts. He won't want to admit it, but he secretly loves the color pink, and wants to walk around with all his friends laughing at him.
7.) Have something on your mind you want/want to do? Tell him a million times in excruciating detail each and every time you tell him. He'll thank you for the subtle hints that he needs to call his parents, and not to forget the time. He'll love it even more when you ask him to repeat the details back to you, after you've already asked him a dozen times.
There will be more to come in the future. Please hold all negative comments/questions until the end.
(Note: This is for entertainment purposes only. The actual advice is to do the complete opposite of the above!)
1.) Always forget what he asks you to get him when you go to the store. The fact that you have to run out and waste gas going to get it, or he has to go out and get it himself will brighten up his day.
2.) While at the store, call him a half dozen times to ask what brand/flavor of anything he wants! Sure, you've bought it a hundred million times before, but have you ever been down the coffee aisle? How could he possibly expect you to remember which one he likes? If he refuses to answer, grab the first thing that's on sale and boast about how much you saved. He won't care that you got him some fruity shit he hates, as long as you saved a few bucks buying something that will sit on the shelf untouched for years!
3.) Get lost anyway possible. Bonus if you're in two different states. Erase your GPS settings. Accidentally throw away your directions, and find yourself stuck in the worst part of town with big Bubba standing on the corner looking as if he's about to skull rape you. Then call up your man crying hysterically that you're about to pee your pants, and have no fucking clue where the hell you are. He'll love navigating you to safety while trying to decipher your hysterics. It makes him feel loved and needed. <3
4.) Hear a tiny noise in the middle of the night? Shoot up in bed screaming that someone's trying to break into the house, especially when he has to wake up at 4 in the morning for work. Nothing gets the blood pumping faster than intruder that turns out to be the cat digging through the litter box.
5.) Insist that you drive everywhere you go together, and drive far more cautiously than you would when he isn't in the car. Go ten miles under the speed limit. Stop a mile away from the red light. He'll appreciate your caution, and admire your old person driving prowess.
6.) Don't forget ladies, always throw something red in with his socks/teeshirts. He won't want to admit it, but he secretly loves the color pink, and wants to walk around with all his friends laughing at him.
7.) Have something on your mind you want/want to do? Tell him a million times in excruciating detail each and every time you tell him. He'll thank you for the subtle hints that he needs to call his parents, and not to forget the time. He'll love it even more when you ask him to repeat the details back to you, after you've already asked him a dozen times.
There will be more to come in the future. Please hold all negative comments/questions until the end.
(Note: This is for entertainment purposes only. The actual advice is to do the complete opposite of the above!)
