Here's Fel back with some more heartache for ya'll. But, instead of typing it all out, again, I'm going to link to my blog. Fel's Blog. Updated with new post.
While this is very unfortunate, I don't really think you should be asking advice for something as serious as this on a iwkauroleplay.com. You need to seek professional help if you haven't already. If you told me you have I probably wont believe you. Honestly all I can really say is that you need to own up to your mistakes and learn from those mistakes. Be an adult and a father, so take some responsibility for your actions. You have KIDS. Those kids are going to need you. You killing yourself can influence them in a very negative way, and im surprised your behvaior towarda your wife hasnt already. Obviously you and your wife are not going to stay together. Obviously your wife doesn't make you happy. Obviously you don't make her happy. Now find someone or something that does. Get help, pull it together for the sake of your kids, and find what makes you happy. Those are the only things I can say about something like this. Oh! Stay away from drugs and alcohol. Last thing you want to happen is coming down from a high only to find you've beaten your kids. Self-destructive behavior will only make things worse for you, and worse isn't something you need right now. Obviously.
I'll address things in order. As a long, long time community member, I come here to sort my dirty laundry before I ever see a therapist. And no, I haven't seen a therapist for the problems my wife and I are having. That's for later. In the last five days, and especially in distillation (ie: my writing), I have owned up to my mistakes. Right now, first and foremost, my priorities are my children first, myself second, and my wife third. As for the suicide thing, I had a moment of weakness. I can't say I won't again, but that isn't the issue as of this moment. And as for my wife and I staying together? As two separate entities in two separate homes, we have already become closer. If we don't make it, we don't make it. C'est la vie. I intend to speak about this more in further posts. And as for getting help, I've returned to using my prescription antidepressants, and am going to see about getting on anti-anxiety medication as well. And as for drugs, I've been sober for three years. And alcohol? I won't drink until I'm feeling better. I made that promise with myself Sunday afternoon.
Aight. I'm gonna be straight with ya. You're going to keep feeling like shit for a while. First thing to do is to accept that inevitable truth. If you're drinking, or really doing anything that lowers inhibitions; put a full stop to that. I read you are prone to following impulses, ones which you have regretted later on. If you have any aspirations, any at all, understand that within the coming time you're going to need to grit your teeth. A lot. Deal with it. Seriously. Secondly. Speak to a professional. This is, frankly, also going to feel like shit. If you're suicidal as you say, chances are they won't let you live alone. Consider that an inB4, but don't let it keep you from taking this action. As I'm sure you know full well, this cannot go on. You have to take a different kind of action and a therapist will provide you the tools, space and information you need. Make an appointment today. EDIT: Admitting your actions is the first step to improvement. This is good. If anything, take this from me. People who cannot take care of their selves are not fit to take care of others. If you feel responsibility towards your children, have a family member provide them shelter, care and safety. This is the best thing you can do for them in your current state. And yes, again, this is going to feel like shit. Medicine fights the symptoms, which can be pretty important, sure, but will not fix your problems long-term. Again, I urge you to see a professional. Strongly.
You attempting suicide IS A PROBLEM that needs to be delt with immediately. Its not something you should brush off and handle so lightly. As for the dirty laundry, I am just telling you what Diana and other staff members have told in response to advice and rant threads similiar to your own. It is okay to seek advice, perfectly reasonable, but you shouldn't have to have some one over the internet tell you that you have a problem. You said it yourself you already realize there is a problem, now actually do something about it. Don't dwell on it here any further. If you realize there is a problem and you know how to deal with it, why further put it off by seeking advice on a website full of people that are not qualified to help you? Right? As kestrel said you should make an appointment with a professional today! Please do not wait. And I mean it!!! Stay away from the drugs and alcohol. (Because you caving is totally a possibility, so think of this as a simple reminder that the shit is awful.) I lost a childhood friend two weeks ago due to stuff like this. (Depression, suicide, drugs.) I didn't even know him personally and it hit me hard, because I wanted to know him personally and now he will never ever meet me or know who I am. He will never know that I was that baby he played with every weekend. Or that his mom was close friends with mine. Or all the early birthday parties he went to. I won't say I could have made a difference in his life, but no one will know now, because he is dead. It would be a shame if it happened to you. The situation is shit, the process is going to feel like shit (as kestrel said), but good can come out of it. I agree with kestrel's post 100% as it is very good and sound advice. We will be cheering you on from the sidelines! :3
I appreciate you asking me to seek help. I need help, I get that. Therapy right now is not an option. I can't put off my children's life and put more financial burden on my wife because I need help. I do have plans for getting help. I am only seeking advice, not for you guys to be my psychologist for me. That's unfair. I am not high risk because I realize what my children would have lost. All the time in their lives and all the growth that I would have missed out on. Fortunately, my blog is called Combating Sadness, a blog of Growth. I am actively seeking change within myself to be a better father and, down the road, when we have both healed; to be a better husband. All of this is going to take time. I have plenty to live for, my goal is to make myself a man worth living that life.
*smacks Fel with a curled up newspaper* No! Bad Fel, baaad. Quit making excuses for yourself, you asked for advice and that's exactly what you got. Go see a therapist! In times like these it's okay to be a little selfish, you are what's important right now. Not your wife. Not your kids. You. It may not feel right, but it's what you need to do. While having a plan for getting help is a great step in the right direction, it means very little if you don't have a professional there to work you through it. You said it yourself, you had a moment of weakness and weren't able to think rationally, who's to say that it won't happen again? Well, it will if you don't get the help that you so desperately need, and now. Trust me, therapy is most definitely the best option that you have right now, so just do it already. You won't regret it, I promise.
I'm not making excuses for anything, what my situation is for therapy is I'm going off to trucker's school for two months in another state, so it isn't feasible to see a psychologist within the next two and a half months. Seeing a therapist is in the cards, just not right now. I can't just abandon a new work opportunity, mainly because with the current job I can't support myself. Ugh. I'm sorry. I don't mean to go on the defensive. I just know that right now it truly isn't a possibility. It really makes me wish telemedicine was more of a thing. But, it's not.
Oh, no, don't apologize, I can completely understand why you might get defensive. I am not completely aware of the specifics of your situation, I have no right to try and force stuff like that on you. So really, I should be the one apologizing. Though... might I suggest that if seeing a therapist is out of the question for the time being, then you could probably talk to some friends about what's going on; I think it's a great alternative for when therapy becomes unattainable. Your friends may not be specially trained to help you handle your problems, but they know who you are better than any professional would and that at least kinda makes up for it. If that's also not an option for whatever reason, then, well, my inbox is always open and I'm pretty experienced in the whole "combating sadness" department. At any rate, I'm gonna keep track of your blog and see how things progress.
Thank you. This isn't my first go-around with depression/anxiety. In many ways these two things are the greatest contributors to the wrongs in my relationship. And as for friends, I don't have any irl that I trust enough to talk to, though there are a few online (mostly Iwakuans, heh) that I've gotten better about talking to since things went down hill.
Jesus people XD How many times does a man have to say they've owned up/they know what they did before it syncs in? As for the whole situation. It is a tough one, even someone with my experience is having a tough time finding a solution. So I'll tell ya this, survive. It's been a week right? Humans get over things, so it's too quick to call suicide/anything like that. Just try to live a normal ish life, and eventually you'll get pretty close to back to normal. ALTHOUGH it sounds like you wanna be a simi truck driver. I might suggest a job that's NOT so isolated o.o My step-uncle is a truck driver, in fact, I've driven in it across the U.S. I don't think it's the kind of job someone who's depressed/lonely should take because it's only going to re-enforce those feels. Sure you'll have allot of reflection time, but action time will be quite limited in that line of work (The way I understand it anyway) So for now, you should probably just focus on simply surviving as that light will show up eventually. Granted it may take a loooooong while, but it'll happen eventually. And look at all your job options. As for the chillens (My fun way of saying children) Well truck driver probably won't give you much time to be with them, and always being gone may make them resent you a tad bit, even if they understand. So the kind of job you'll probably wanna look for is a good balance of free time, yet also therapeutic in a sense. Something you enjoy doing, but can also heal this wound. Weather that will get you enough money or not, I don't know. But at the moment, fixing up yourself may be a bit more important than money. Normally I have more to give, but I don't know much of your surroundings/options so what I say can't exactly be specific XP And it's difficult to help people who's SO FAR in the wrong :P As for your ex, it's probably gonna be best to limit any interaction to as close to 0 as possible. Say as little as you can, interact as little as you can, gear towards "Strictly business" kinda mindset. Probably not so much you become heartless, but enough to not make things worse. And also, online research perhaps. I HIGHLY doubt you're the only person in existence in this situation. Look up your story, see how other people have come above it, and perhaps adopt their methods, maybe modify them if it doesn't fully apply to you at first.
So... When things are all said and done, and you (both?) become better people. Are you planning/considering getting back together? The update almost sounded like it was more of a break to find yourself rather than a outright separation.
Even if you do not have the means, at least have one session with a therapist to explore some of your options. Consider it consult. I don't know what is playing in your head, but I'm reading a history of depression, anxiety, abuse, general emotional instability. Based on the pattern I imagine, I wouldn't trust it to have an abundance of alone-time on the road. There's only so many times you can play born to be wild before the feelings start creeping up on you. There's a responsibility for you to take for yourself. The kids come first, you say, and as noble of a sentiment that may seem, the effects of an emotionally unstable parent have in the long term aren't a joke. Not pretty. If momentary willpower alone had good odds of fixing that, I wouldn't waste this time typing a message. The way I see it, stress will at some point get the better of you. I don't think you're very well prepared for that. So do go see that therapist. At the very least once. That is also a form of taking responsibility. Both for yourself and your loved ones.
I think people forget just how expensive it is for a brokeass person to see a therapist. Double hard if the person doesn't have insurance to pay for it. O_O Where one SHOULD seek professional counsel, for a lot of people it's not financially possible. (Which is a huge OTHER complicated problem about healthcare minimum wage and other crappy things) What you CAN do, is look for your local Shelters. Homeless shelters, community centers, etc. They'll have information about Social Workers and Support Groups and things that are free in your area, until you have other means of supports. You don't have to be homeless, jobless, abused, etc to make use of these services and the people there are trained to help you find what you need!
