Friends with exes

[Darxaia]

Has anyone ever successfully managed to be good friends with an ex of theirs? Tell me your story and things that you think made it easier/ harder for that friendship to occur.

Perhaps in a few posts I might share my story.

 

[Kitti]

I tried to keep on mostly good terms with my exes and the ones I don't talk to are more from drifting apart than not parting on pleasant terms!

I just recently spent a bit of time with a guy I dated very briefly when I was a freshman. We haven't talked much over the years, but he ended up back in town and we still get along fine, so we went and had coffee together.

A better example is someone that I had a long-distance relationship with. We get along amazingly well and I count him as one of the people that I go to when I need advice, because he really gets me. We just weren't in the right place for the relationship and we both made mistakes. We were a little wounded for a bit, but we were honestly just too fantastic as friends to stay upset. This was a couple years ago and we still talk! He's a super fantastic human being, even despite his flaws. It was difficult at first, yeah, but we knew more about one another than pretty much anyone else at that time did and we were such close friends while we were dating that it was hard to be without my best friend, even for the little bit of time where we weren't talking. It gets easier over time and the friendship I have with him was definitely worth getting over the awkwardness of the breakup. It's possible, I swear!

It was definitely made easier by taking a little time away to cool down and remember that I missed our friendship incredibly and that he was worth staying friends with. Just trying to act natural and "faking it till you make it" also helped. Just forging forward through the awkward and working at making it a working friendship was hard, but important.

 

[Envy]

I had a rather short relationship with a girl I met once.
I met her on the bus around the end of the semester. We had maybe three unofficial dates to check the field and get a sense of each other's personality. All went good, and then she had to go to japan for a while. WHen she got back we went on our first real date. I hadnt seen her for about 3 months. The date was a public showing of "The Music Man"...all picnicy in the open. We had a dinner that we mutually prepared at her folk's house. She was all impressed with my culinary skills. Cuz I chef it up like a boss. Anyway during the movie things got cold and we were laying on our sides and I made my move. I cuddled up to her and she took this well. (Yay for me!? Cuz I still dont know how I pulled that off) and continued to watch. After the movie though we were kinda giggly and all and made out in the car. Then we went to the park by my place and made out a little more. But we kept getting interupted just before clothes would come off. (Drat!) Well we continued to see each other for about a month and things progressed even quicker than expected and we were doing the deed regularly. She spending nights after hanging out at my place. Then...SCHOOL! She colleges in Oregon. All special like I guess. In the long run we had to break up, but not just for the distance. She wanted me to figure out where,,,HOW I was going to live my life. Because honestly I had no idea what I would do for a living. I still dont. But she and I are very good friends.

So my advice is to just make yourself available, and be open with each other. Even if you still have feelings you need to give yourself time and space enough to process the change but keep in touch. Seperate yourself a little for enough time that you almost forget you dated her and then out of the blue contact her and say "hey, whats up?"

 

[Fluffy]

One of my exes and I shouldn't have dated as long as we did. >__>; We're both socially awkward, quiet, introverted, and logical minded. It made our relationship boring, eventually... And kind of emotionless. He took me on dates and gave me flowers, all that good stuff, but the passion was still missing. I didn't feel like a real woman with him. I just felt like this "bro" that he kissed sometimes and gave gifts too. xP Also, we'd get stuck in many situations. He wouldn't go to the drive through at restaurants for me, for example, because he doesn't like them. And when I had my anxiety attacks, he wouldn't help me with them. He'd sit there. And watch...

So yeah. The last year or so of our relationship, I was miserable. It got to the point where I didn't even sleep in bed beside him anymore. I'd sleep with my back to him, or sleep on the couch. I felt alone, depressed, dissatisfied in many ways... I realized I needed to be with an extroverted, confident, outgoing person who could work with my flaws and get me out in the world, because I'm very scared of what's out there... I think that because of that distance created between us, we can't be as good of friends as we'd like. I feel like if it was broken off sooner, we could have restored what we once had in high school. I believe in this because the way we would have ended would have gone better, with less drama. e__e I can still hear his mom's voice griping at me.

I really miss being close friends with him, 'cause man he was an awesome teammate for the multiplayer games I enjoy. It's just too weird now, though.

So... Yeah, I guess I could call us friends still. Just not close ones. His family looks out for mine, which is nice but awkward for me. As for him, I talk to him once in a while. I'll ask how he's doing, he'll ask how I'm doing... Nothing deep, otherwise. I'm glad we can at least have a little bit of conversation. I care enough that I ask him how his career plan is going, too. He'll probably change lives with his smarts. And I know for a fact that if I ever needed him for something, he'd do his best. As I would for him. Just needed time to heal, lots of patience, and to choose words wisely. :]

As for my other exes, we don't even need to bring those up. xD; They have death wishes on them.

 

[Darxaia]

Well I suppose I might as well tell my story and see if anyone has advice for me.

I dated a guy for almost six months but things were intense and serious between us. Like seriously discussing the potential for marriage and children in our future. Yes I know for some of you that seems insane after only six months but I can't even begin to explain how deeply we loved each other and the raw passion in our relationship. Unfortunately we broke up shortly before the start of our sixth month.

He has a new girlfriend however I still love him just as intensely and passionately as the day we broke up and he knows this. It pains me so badly to know that he is with someone else but I love him so much that I struggle through all of that becuase I want him to be happy too. Beyond that, he and I both have expressed interest in being friends with each other indefinitely. As in, romantically or not, we want to be a part of each others lives hopefully "forever."

Do you have any suggestions as to things I or he can do to help ease the tension between us? It has been just over a month since we have broken up and we have good and bad days still. A lot of it stems from personal issues I have and that I am intensely working on. (IE: Co-dependency, pessimism and other issues)

Suggestions? Tips? Similar stories? Do's and Don'ts?

 

[Kitti]

Well, if it's not been a very long time, then I think that the "break" from each other that I talked about might help you cool down your feelings a bit.
Try to remind yourself of why the relationship ended and why it wasn't right. As hard and painful as that may seem, it can really give you perspective for what happened to you too, instead of you romanticizing it and him.

Find someone else, maybe not a new relationship if you're not ready, but talk to other guys and try to find someone who makes your heart flutter. Consider what it would be like to maybe date some of these guys. Remind yourself that he's not the only fish in the sea. I totally support the idea of you staying in one another's lives, I don't think that's weird at all. With the guy that I mentioned previously, I really do hope we're always friends. His well-being and happiness means a lot to me and I enjoy his friendship.

After giving yourself however long a break you need (I would suggest at least a couple weeks), then you can slowly try to mend the friendship again. When you feel comfortabl enough, maybe hang out with both him and his new girlfriend, but only if your comfort level is in the right place for that. Maybe try for a slightly more casual friendship with him to start with, no touching shoulders or hugs, and progress when you think it won't make your heart hurt.

All the advice I can really give you for getting comfortable with him again is to take it as slow as you need and gradually ease yourself into it. Remind yourself that you're a great, lovable person and that the relationship just had too many issues and that's why you broke up, that kind of thing.

 

[Minibit]

I don't have any exes, but my boyfriend is good friends with his highschool sweetheart; I knew her before I knew him, she helped us get together. My friends/family can't BELIEVE I let my boyfriend go hang out at his ex's house, but to me she's not his ex, she's our friend. I trust him completely, and I know she's happy with her SO, even if she was single I'd be ok

I don't think its something many people can pull off. Most people aren't even on speaking terms with their exes; another friend of mine managed to stay friends with her ex (though they're not nearly as close/involved with each other as when they were together).

I think it's mostly to do with being friends before you were dating. The BF and our mutual friends went to highschool together, so they knew each other as friends before they were dating. They also still have a lot of things in common, so it's easier to want to keep in touch. If you don't share any hobbies or anything with your ex, there's not going to be much to talk about.

I think it's also important to wait a while to hang out after you break up; get past the I-want-you-back bit first or you're just going to fuck things up.

 

[Moonlit Blade]

I am still friends with my most recent ex, actually. Our relationship was nice for a long while, but she had too many problems for me to handle. I tried being there for her as much as I could, I really did. But, in the end, it was too much. I broke it off, and we had an... odd relationship following. Eventually, I did tell her we needed a lot of time apart, so we could get over one another. Luckily for me, I found someone I now love, and she seems to be interested in a friend of ours (whom I haven't seen in YEARS actually), so it's good that she's getting over me (I'm not cocky, she just had an attachment to me that was... unhealthy). I talk to her on and off, now, to offer advice when she seeks it.

It's hard to be friends with an ex, it really is. My other experiences were... not as good, post relationship. I lost my best friend because she broke up with me, told me she wanted to get back together a year and a half later, gave her time, and she decided against it and simply cut me out of her life. We had been friends post-break up the first time, though we didn't speak much of senior year of high school (we broke up the summer between junior and senior year). It wasn't until the summer after senior year that we started hanging out again, she brought it up, and then decided against it.

So, while it can be hard to maintain a friendship with an ex, if you truly believe the person is worth it, then try. But both parties must be willing, and, at first, things will be difficult. Time apart always helps, to allow yourself to get over romantic feelings. In any case, those are my two most notable experiences, and thought I would share them.


For what your situation is like, I believe the following things would be beneficial to you both, in the long run:

Spend time apart. Meet new people, if you feel inclined to do so. He has a SO now, and so will make time for her. You should spend more time with friends, family, and meeting new people. The less time you spend with him (to begin with), the better it will be for you to get past your feelings for him and simply view him as a friend. Since most of us here suggested it, it seems to be solid advice.

Set boundaries. If you don't feel comfortable with him jokingly saying certain things or constantly bringing up your time together (again, this is all applicable to you only if that's how the situation is, I am generalizing), then tell him you aren't comfortable with him doing so. Conversely, don't do the same with him, especially when his girlfriend is around. The more you view yourselves as "just friends", the less often you will see him as "my ex-boyfriend". This mentality will help, and it will also help that his new girlfriend will be more comfortable with you, if she doesn't perceive you as a threat.

This one may be the hardest to do, but if he needs to vent/rant about his relationship, you don't always have to be the one to listen. I know being a friend means helping your friends out when they need it most, but you have a certain history with him that may make it difficult for you to be the shoulder he needs to cry on. You must always take your own feelings into account too, and you should let him know this.


Remember, this is all general advice. I don't know your situation specifically, but, hopefully, this will be of some help to you and anyone else who has a similar situation. Good luck with everything!