Feeling Extremely Insecure

[Thirteen]

I know that everyone's relationships are different and that's because we're all individuals, but I'm seeking some guidance here from the community.

My current boyfriend spends a good portion of his idle time on Facebook, which isn't the problem, but allow me to further elaborate on the primary issue.

He seems to enjoy looking at women through this social media platform that focus on 'provocative cosplay' and modeling. Now, I can respect cosplaying, as someone that partakes in the practice as well, but these cosplays are purely sexual in their creation.

This is what bothers me. He knows how terribly insecure with my physical appearance I am and doesn't understand how gawking at other women on Facebook might upset me. He's not considerate at all to my feelings.

I'm not the ideal woman, I know this, but his constant drooling over other women on the media is very insulting and offensive. I'd just like some advice on how to handle this. I know I'm giving you limited information, but trying to type this up while he is in the room with me is very difficult.

Thanks in advance.

 

[Zachary-Sama]

Three words. Dump. His. Ass. If he's too ignorant to see that his woman his hurt by his habits of looking at other women, then he doesn't deserve you. He doesn't deserve a girlfriend at all if he's going to spend his time gawking at near-naked women on the internet, anyway. It would be different, I guess, if it was porn. But if it's on FB, there's a good chance that the girls in those cosplays aren't even aware that their pictures are being put all over FB for the pleasure of perverts all over the web.

Give him a chance, though. Give him an ultimatum. Tell him that if it doesn't stop, than you and him aren't going to work out. I'm sorry that this is the best advice I can give. But you cannot possibly be happy with yourself if you're going to stay with him AND let him continue that habit. It's one or the other girl.

 

[Space Cowboy]

First, let me say the above advice is abso-fuckin'-lutely awful.


Now, what he's doing may or may not be right. It all depends upon the dynamics of the relationship, over whether or not there's trust, and if either partner has insecurities. You've been very forthcoming in the fact that you do, in fact, have an insecurity over this.

You need to communicate this to him.

Communication is the greatest function and key to a relationship-- to any relationship. You need to feel that you can speak as candidly as you can to him, as heart-felt as you feel your words need to be. Express openly to him that looking at these women, gawking even, really hurts your feelings and makes you feel even more insecure about your body. Get him to sympathize, and empathize, and understand. Don't ask him how he would feel if you were in each other's shoes, but rather, make him understand how hurt you are when he does this, no matter how small a thing it might be.

And if it's too much of a thing for him to do, that's the point in which you begin to ascertain whether or not you two were made for each other. Remember, not all relationships are made to last.


Second, don't worry about your body being "ideal". YOU need to be happy with your body. You're the only person that needs to be happy with their body. It'd be nice if your SO liked your body, but it's not a requirement, and if they don't like it? To Hell with them. If you want to make changes to your body, that's up to you, and you only. Let no one make those dictations to you-- not your SO, not the media, not your friends or family, but you.


Cheers.

 

[Zachary-Sama]

First, let me say the above advice is abso-fuckin'-lutely awful.


Now, what he's doing may or may not be right. It all depends upon the dynamics of the relationship, over whether or not there's trust, and if either partner has insecurities. You've been very forthcoming in the fact that you do, in fact, have an insecurity over this.

You need to communicate this to him.

Communication is the greatest function and key to a relationship-- to any relationship. You need to feel that you can speak as candidly as you can to him, as heart-felt as you feel your words need to be. Express openly to him that looking at these women, gawking even, really hurts your feelings and makes you feel even more insecure about your body. Get him to sympathize, and empathize, and understand. Don't ask him how he would feel if you were in each other's shoes, but rather, make him understand how hurt you are when he does this, no matter how small a thing it might be.

And if it's too much of a thing for him to do, that's the point in which you begin to ascertain whether or not you two were made for each other. Remember, not all relationships are made to last.


Second, don't worry about your body being "ideal". YOU need to be happy with your body. You're the only person that needs to be happy with their body. It'd be nice if your SO liked your body, but it's not a requirement, and if they don't like it? To Hell with them. If you want to make changes to your body, that's up to you, and you only. Let no one make those dictations to you-- not your SO, not the media, not your friends or family, but you.


Cheers.

I understand that my advice wasn't the best. It just pisses me off that some girls have to feel insecure because their men are gawking at whoever, whenever they want. Men like that honestly don't deserve to be with a woman who wants nothing more than to make them happy.

Also, C-c-can I steal that quote from your signature? I have no idea who marcus Aurelius is, but that's wonderful.

 

[Esmeray]

To be honest those girls who do provacitive cosplay know exactly what they are doing. My boyfriend also follows these types of groups and people on FB, however, since we have started dating he seems to just skip over the pictures now. Of course I'm in a long distance relationship so I am not aware if he does look at them while I am not there to catch him doing it.

A similar problem that I have though is that he is gawking over his ex girlfriend whom I find to be much more appealing than I am. When ever whle go out on dates he talks about her all the time. So I understand why you feel insecure.

A good way to think about it is "these are just pictures so its pretty much porn. At least he isn't gawking at other girls he personal knows or used to date." However I understand that that is hard to do, in which case I suggest following the advice of seiji.

 

[Gwazi Magnum]

I also feel the need to point out that girls do this to their boyfriends all the time.

Hell there's even series that capitalize on it like Twilight or 50 Shades of Grey.
An honest question to girls out there, have you ever gone through facebook looking for cute boys?
Have you ever plastered pictures of men over your room, or locker, or anywhere else?
Or have you ever taken part in a Libertine RP?

Because in all honesty that is something I've found women (including both of my ex's) doing quite a lot.
And it is in all honesty no different than a guy looking up pictures of other women.

Now, please understand I'm not trying to vilify girls who do this. I get it, it is a natural human urge to look at those you find attractive, even if one has no desire to act on it or be unfaithful.
But one needs to understand that men are just as human as women are, have just as big urges (and innocent intentions) as women do.

If that activity still makes you uncomfortable? That's fine, but like said above you need to make sure you've communicated this clearly to your partner.
And be prepared for the fact that this might mean the relationship isn't mean to last.
But one should also be prepared for the boyfriend to then make the same request in return.

 

[Zachary-Sama]

Or have you ever taken part in a Libertine RP?

I fail to see how this can be considered as bad as looking at pictures of girls/guys.

Like I don't see the problem with being in a relationship but still having sexual content in your RPs ((Though that technically doesn't mean an RP is libertine.)).

I'm in a relationship, but I do sexual content in RPs, and if my GF Rped I wouldn't mind her doing it either. Sexual content in RP is pretty much the same thing as looking at porn or hentai. It's something that you really shouldn't get in trouble for by your SO.

 

[Gwazi Magnum]

I fail to see how this can be considered as bad as looking at pictures of girls/guys.

Like I don't see the problem with being in a relationship but still having sexual content in your RPs ((Though that technically doesn't mean an RP is libertine.)).

I'm in a relationship, but I do sexual content in RPs, and if my GF Rped I wouldn't mind her doing it either. Sexual content in RP is pretty much the same thing as looking at porn or hentai. It's something that you really shouldn't get in trouble for by your SO.

It's all the same thing though, watching/being exposed to sexual content from people other than your SO.
And once again I'm not demonizing or vilifying any of these acts, I'm just highlighting they're not that different from one another.

I mean you just compared the Libertine RPs to Porn.
Porn usually being visual content of outright sex.
Which is literally watching naked (usually) people having sex with one another.
Where looking at pictures (which you've deemed not as bad) is simply looking at clothed individuals.
So by all intents and purposes something such as looking at porn should be seen as more "dishonest" than simply looking at a picture of a girl.

But once again if that is actually dishonest or not is completely dependent on the voiced conditions and boundaries established by the couple in question.

 

[Zachary-Sama]

Where looking at pictures (which you've deemed not as bad) is simply looking at clothed individuals.

Um, no. I'm not saying that at all. Looking at pictures of people you know in your personal life, or people who didn't intend for their pictures to be considered porn (despite their provocative appearance) is worse. Looking at porn is innocent. It's something that everybody from their early teens has done at least once. And Libertine RPs are basically the same thing. They are full-out Sexual Rps. They are filled to the brim with smut, and that's okay. I'm saying that for a man to deliberately look at other woman like "Oh they're so much hotter than my girl" is wrong, and should not be tolerated by the woman.

I of course, don't have that issue. My GF is bi and we constantly make remarks about the appearances of actresses (One remark revolved around how Bella looked after becoming a vamp).

 

[Gwazi Magnum]

Um, no. I'm not saying that at all. Looking at pictures of people you know in your personal life, or people who didn't intend for their pictures to be considered porn (despite their provocative appearance) is worse. Looking at porn is innocent. It's something that everybody from their early teens has done at least once. And Libertine RPs are basically the same thing. They are full-out Sexual Rps. They are filled to the brim with smut, and that's okay. I'm saying that for a man to deliberately look at other woman like "Oh they're so much hotter than my girl" is wrong, and should not be tolerated by the woman.

Except a lot of the time people who dress provocatively do so consciously and purposely.
Especially if they've put a ton of effort into it (such as a cosplay) and especially if they are posting it online for the world to see.
That and the OP never detailed that the boy knew these girls IRL either.

And a man looking at a girl is not necessarily going "That girl is hotter than mine", they're simply saying "I find this girl attractive".
One is able to appreciate the appearance of others, without thinking of their partner any lesser for it.

 

[Zachary-Sama]

That video pretty much proved my point.

 

[Zachary-Sama]

Though as a mirror effect, this video should also give the OP a sense of secureness

 

[Mundane Monster]

I know that everyone's relationships are different and that's because we're all individuals, but I'm seeking some guidance here from the community.

My current boyfriend spends a good portion of his idle time on Facebook, which isn't the problem, but allow me to further elaborate on the primary issue.

He seems to enjoy looking at women through this social media platform that focus on 'provocative cosplay' and modeling. Now, I can respect cosplaying, as someone that partakes in the practice as well, but these cosplays are purely sexual in their creation.

This is what bothers me. He knows how terribly insecure with my physical appearance I am and doesn't understand how gawking at other women on Facebook might upset me. He's not considerate at all to my feelings.

I'm not the ideal woman, I know this, but his constant drooling over other women on the media is very insulting and offensive. I'd just like some advice on how to handle this. I know I'm giving you limited information, but trying to type this up while he is in the room with me is very difficult.

Thanks in advance.

So back to the topic at hand;

Seiji is right, you need to communicate with your boyfriend. Tell him how you feel and if he disregards your feelings then you should probably think about whether you're better off with out him.

In my opinion, being with anyone who invokes negative feelings in you like anxiety, or insecurity, should be dropped pronto. But that's just me and it's different for different people.

So yeah, just talk to the guy.

Also on the subject of the ideal woman; That woman does not exist. The ideal woman is a 'super skinny but well endowed in all the right places by means of photoshop and other image altering sites unicorn creature'. That ideal woman simply does not exist and you shouldn't feel self conscious and bad about it.

 

[Temet Nosce]

First of all, I would like to point out that Seiji is a lifesaver. I was worried for a brief second when I was scrolling that it was too late to save this thread.

But yeah, dumping him simply because he likes looking at girls in thong bikinis, or *cosplay*, is a bad move. Dumping him because he's too immature for you, maybe. But I agree with Gwazi in that it's not different at all than reading 50 Shades of Gray. Reading that is the girl equivalent of a guy reading a Playboy. Only difference is that it is socially acceptable to read only one of those in public.

Guys get off of skimpy dressed girls, girls get off of drama. Why do you think soap operas, Hallmark movies, and anything John Green writes is so popular?

Back to the subject however, as a guy I am certified to tell you guys can be assholes. So can girls, but we tend to be more forthright with it. Sometimes we choose not to hear things, or even ignore them.

First of all, you have to make sure he actually knows you're mad at him. If he asks you what's wrong, don't pull the "Nothing" bullshit. Guys like to fix things, but you can't fix something if you don't know what's broken.

If he fully understands your frustrations, and chooses to ignore it then you have to decide if this is something you're willing to compromise on. Honestly, if this is a hobby of his he might just keep doing it, only when you aren't looking. This isn't just a guy thing either, one of my ex girlfriends used to always post shirtless guys she found on the Internet as her Facebook background and on Insta.

Did I like it? No, not really. Did I bother to fight her for it? Naw, since my ego is big enough to take a few hits for the team. Besides, they didn't have her as their girlfriend, I did and I didn't even need a 12 pack.

So you have to decide if this is something worth breaking up with him for. For me, I was able to date my ex pretty happily until she moved schools. I knew she never cheated, she just likes shirtless guys. As long as she wasn't flirting with other dudes, I didn't care. For you, it might be different.

 

[Kestrel]

You need to communicate this to him.

Quoted for emphasis.

Now I'ma leave this thread because it makes me want to punch people, but listen to Seiji. Communication is key.

 

[Esthalia]

Everyone has done a great job here, so I feel there is not need for me to repeate what has already been said. I agree with @Seiji that you need to have open communication with him and make sure you are also honest with yourself. So many things I could say again, but instead, I want to point out that those people- the ones dressing up in cosplay and such, they are just a fantasy.

Everyone has fantasies and desires beyond their realm of possibilities. Your boyfriend is doing nothing short of something completely normal. The way I see it, everyone has a fantasy that they know will never be possible. For me, it's being with a guy who looks and sings like Gerard Butler, fucks like a pornstar, and loves like a romance novel character. For others it's the anime/manga characters they've got crushes on, or celebs, or anyone that is out of your reach one way or another. That guy doesn't exist, but if I see a picture of a gorgeous dude on the internet, I'm going to project my desire onto him, no matter how impossible or unreachabe it truely is.

That said: There is nothing about this natural human process that makes you any less desirable or any less attractive than these models or cosplayers. You are the one in the relationship with him, and he wouldn't have chosen to be in that realtionship with you if there were no attraction (physical and mental) in the equation.

Keep reminding yourself that you are his reality, but that doesn't make you any less of a fantasy.