"Dear, Santa... Next year, I would like a Father."

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Fluffy, Dec 26, 2010.

  1. Yeah, holidays really get me down because of my totally stellar Dads. I feel like if I write about it, I'll feel better...

    To keep it short with my biological Dad, he abandoned me and my Mom when I was 2 years old. My parents were about...20, I think, when I was born. So, obviously, I wasn't a planned child. My Dad couldn't handle the responsibility. He wasn't finish playing with his Marvel action figures, or reading his comics or partying... So he up and left. My Mom and I stayed with my Grandma until our life could be stabilized.

    Along the way, she met Mike. She was wary of him because she's...well, I won't share every detail, but men have taken advantage of her. Not my Dad, of course. He was just too immature. (He still is, despite that he's 40.) Still, she let Mike in and in time, they became close and they got married when my Mom was pregnant with her third child.

    Mike's awful... I've been afraid of him my entire life and still am. He's tall, unattractive and very strong. Nowhere near fatherly material, either. My Mom was so in love with him and so confident in his child raising strategies, though. I'll tell ya, after 16 years of marriage, she came to realize just how horrible he really was/is.

    This man would physically and mentally abuse me and the second eldest, Erin. One wrong slip and... He would grab us by the arms, hold us in the air and shake us while he yelled in our faces. Since no child is perfect, of course I've broken a few things, be it valuable or cheap... It didn't matter; it was SUUUCH a crime. He would pick me up and slam me against the wall, then call my Mom over to slap me. Those experiences would make me rush to my bedroom to hide. I wouldn't even come out to eat dinner, take my medicine or go to the fucking bathroom. THAT would even get me in trouble. Mike would storm in to pin me down and force my medicine down my throat, then throw me back into my bed, then slam the door.

    I was a Pokemon fanatic as a kid. For Father's Day, I drew him a picture of an Eevee. It wasn't traced, either. I spent hours drawing this picture! When I gave it to him, I didn't get a thank you, or a kiss... I got a "What am I supposed to do with this?" and then he dropped it on the floor. I cried that day, a lot.

    This guy never liked to have fun, either. We'd be playing a video game and laughing, giggling, happy as can be! "It's too loud, stfu. *turns the tv off*" ... It was so awkward and just so fucking MEAN. I've found that as I age, I get more pissed off at him. I've gotten tougher, meaner, and more bitter to the world as a whole. SO, there's something I thank you for, Mike! I am much better off not being a sissy that's afraid of dirt! :D

    Since I wore glasses since 3rd grade, was a nerd, generally 'different'... I was picked on a lot. Kids liked to make me cry and give me bruises, laugh at my lisp, push me off of the playground slide... Mike wouldn't defend me, or comfort me, oh no... It was "Suck it up and go cry in your room" and sometimes, "Be quiet, or I'll get out the wooden spoon". He was just annoyed by my fear, not sympathetic at all. So I continued to get picked on.

    Eventually, I became so depressed and suicidal, I was put into counseling, in school and out of school. I had no friends, I was socially awkward, and this went on to high school. Hell, I still have self mutilation problems. They all came to the conclusion that I needed a caring Father to support me. They also put into my head that I need anti-depressents, I'm OCD and have a personality disorder. I refused to take any of those fucking pills or see a social worker. My Mom alone just wasn't enough... It's different having the Father there to take care of you, to watch after you, to call you beautiful...

    I didn't even tell my parents about the guys that assaulted me when I was 16. My step-dad said I cut myself just for attention, because he's a dick like that. So, he'd more than likely accuse me of lying if I went and home crying about these stalkers. Knowing how much control he had over my poor Mother, she'd believe him before me. That day has deeply scarred me... I'm just glad to be alive and normal, to some degree.

    So. A year or two after Mike got arrested for domestic violence towards my Mom, I put my foot down! "Either he goes, or I go." Of course, Mom chose me and kicked him out. She calls me her hero for it, too... She's free from all his bullshit and his abuse. I got so fucking tired of them fighting all the time!

    Tonight... Well, his parents still want to be loving grandparents to his kids and even me. They gave him $50 they said to send to me. I don't get my present from them because apparently, "Andrea doesn't deserve it." Okay old man, whatever. I was the only one sending you cards for the holidays and emails asking how you're doing, because even though you're a selfish bastard, I still love you. Whatever. You aren't worth that $50. What REALLY ground my gears was the $50 he spent on his stupid girlfriend; THAT money was meant to take my siblings out to eat. My step-grandparents are sweethearts, they shouldn't trust their hard earned money in their son's hands. Not anymore.

    My Dad doesn't make too many efforts for me, no sirree. Dave, my bio dad, as I said, is not very mature. I think his girlfriend has seen him more than me and they've only been together for 2 years. Yeah, he only visits when it's convenient. That man is not busy... I see what he does all day when he's not at work. Either he's on Steam playing TF2, or making love to that hag he's dating. Gaw, I'll even spend the money to GO. SEE. HIM.

    He at least tries to be there for me, however only when 'he has time'. I at least mean something to my Dad... Hell, he gave me money for clothes and a Beauty and the Beast DVD. I nearly cried when I opened those gifts, because they're signs he's thinking of me. Though, only when it's a holiday... If I told him I was broke and needed money for food, I doubt he'd pitch in even a five dollar bill.

    Welp, I'm going to be 20 years young in a couple of months and I'd still like a Dad. I can tell... When I'm 21, my Dad's going to want to spend more time with me because I'll be legally able to drink. I don't yet know how I feel about that, but it's leaning towards some negativity.

    If you read all this, I'm sorry... It is long and not very well written. Much love, still. <3

    I hope you all had a Happy Holiday.
  2. No matter what happens or how things may seem, I want you to know that I'm always here for you and that I love you forever and ever.
  3. *Snuggles*

    It'll be ok, Fluffers.... I know that's the most annoying thing to say to someone, but it's true. Things'll look up. ^.^

    But I digress, we're here for you.

    I dunno why... but reading what you said made me think of something I used to sing with my drama class before a show:

    Whether the weather be cold
    or whether the weather be hot
    no matter the weather
    we're in this together
    whether we like it or not

    *Snuggles Fluffers again*
  4. Fluffy. I'm drunk, im a bastard and a prick but reading that made me shed tears.

    you're a brilliant person, and you deserve better and i wish beyond all my power that a good and true gentleman would provide the good father you deserve, but failing that, I raise a glass to your sheer tenacity, you've shown me the meaning of strength of personality, and I salute you.

    truely. such a woman deserves better, even a moron on the other side of the world can see it.

    Best i can offer is my hopes and an E-hug.
    I give those to you matey. with all my heart.
  5. I love you too, Sith Lord. <3 I'm glad you're always there for me.

    That's a really sweet song, TK. :] Thanks for that.*gives snuggles back* You're right, things will look up...

    *E-hugs WMD* Thank you so much, dear friend. Sorry that I caused you tears... You're so sweet, though. My eyes stung with tears just reading your reply to me. <3
  6. *Return E hugs fluffy* no worries matey, its what friends are for.
  7. *pat pats Fluffy*
    Not much I can say but his; you may not have a father right now, but you have an army of friends who'll gladly help you through anything.