Da Voyagas uv da Orkiprize. (40k/ST)

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  1. Space, da final fronteer.

    Dese are da voyagas of da Warship Orkiprize.

    Itz kontinuin mishun to explore strange new worlds

    To seek out new life and new sivaliza... uvva gits..

    ta boldly go where no uvva gitz av gone before.

    Enkownter At Farpointy Bitz PART 1

    "Kaptin's Log, Stardate... sum numbery fing... we iz headed fer a planet called Deneb IV, beyond which lies a bunch uv uneksplored stuff dat da Big Kaptins back at Erf want uz ta do da eksplorin uv. Da orders are ta examine Farpointy Bitz, a starfort bilt by da gitz da live 'dere. During dat time I iz bekoming betta akwainted wiv da krew, cuffing da gitz dat don't look like dey's workin when I'z not looking, yellin at uvvas who needz it. Da uzual. Da ship iz gud too, nize and big wiv lotz of pushy buttonz. I like da big red wun on da helms konsole. As fer da krew, we is still short uv some kritical posishuns, like da furst mate. But da bosses on erf av told me dat an eksperienced furst mate, Wartgrab Raker, iz gunna be wating ta join da ship at tha destinashun."...

    Stepping onto the bridge the Ork Kaptin known as Jon-Luc Pickhard looked around, the Kaptain was a good nine feet tall with a great iron gob and a stylish Kaptins Koat. Power klaw for one hand and a kustom blasta in his other. The Wierdboy Dogga Troy was scratching his bitz in his chair bored out of his mind as the Big Nob Dash-da-Kar stood behind his console, behind him the Klingon, a git named Worf, worked on the consoles at the back of the bridge, Pickhard cuffed him around the head on the way past mutterying "Lazy git." before descending down the shallow ramp and standing behind the Android, Data. "I fink you'll agree dat da orders from da Big Kaptins are difik..diffi... 'ard."

    "Difficult? Simply solve the mystery of Farpoint Station?" Data replied confused. These large brutes seemed to be quite irrational at times.

    "Az simple az dat eh?" Pickhard remarked as he moved over and took his seat, his nostrils now filled with the stink of the Weirdboy Dogga Troy.

    "Farpointy Bitz," Dogga said using the Ork name for the place, "Even da name sownds kreepy."

    "It'z ardly simple ta negoshee... negotiee... bargen fer da use uv da base. While sneekin about trying ta find out why da gitz bilt it at da same time." The Ork Kaptain remarked.

    Data considered for a moment inquiring about what they meant by sneekin, but discarded the question mentally after realising that if he stopped to inquire about the meaning of every work the orks used he'd never get anything done.

    Suddenly Dogga Troy stopped his scratching and frowned. "Kaptin, I iz sensing a powerful mind."

    Pickhard looked at Dogga. "Wot, uv corse ya do, I iz rite 'ere."

    "Not yoo boss. Sumting else." Dogga responded. Suddenly the alarms across the bridge began blaring. A Grot in the corner going WOOOO WOOOO into a loudspeaker until Pickhard pointed his kustom-blasta at him.

    "Sumting strange on da gitfinda boss." The Ork at the helm said pressing buttons he almost certainly had no idea what they did. They watched as through the viewer a wall of ... something... appeared in front of the Orkiprize and Data looked up from his own console. "It registers as solid."

    "It kud be a powa field boss, if we collide wiv eiva..." Dogga troy said earning a weird look from all the other Orks on the bridge. Dogga was no mekboy. As such he earned a cuffing from Pickhard.

    "Shaddup, yoo izn't a mekboy." He snapped. "Go ta krumpin level 1!"

    The crew worked quickly and Worf turned. "Shields and deflectors up, sir."

    As they approached it the Kaptin was forced to curiousness. "Stop da ship."

    "Kontrols ta full stop Kaptin." The nameless ork replied from the helm and once more Pickhard looked down at him wondering what a git whose name he didn't know was even doing on the bridge. "We iz now at full stop Kaptin." Pickhard discarded the issue of who he was, the little git was obedient and that was all that mattered in the end.

    Suddenly there was a flash on the bridge at a being appeared there looking like a Feral Ork. "Thou art notified that thy kind hath infiltrated the galaxy too far already. Thou art directed to return to thine own solar system. Immediately."

    "Wut?" Pickhard said. "You fink yoo kan tell me wut ta do? So wut are ya, big-wordy-man."

    "We call ourselves the Q." The figure answered. "Or thou mayst call me that. It's all much the same thing." As a couple other orks were about to get up onto the bridge the figure put another field blocking the ellyvator. "I present myself to thee as a fellow ship captain, that thou mayst better understand me. Go back whence thou camest."

    The nameless Ork picked up his Slugga and was about to blast the figure when it turned. "Stay where thou arst." Flash freezing him with a blast of its power.

    "Oy, tinboy, call da Mad Doks." Pickhard said looking at the nameless ork taking his slugga.

    "He's frozen," Dogga remarked, "I wunda if dat git kan teech me how ta do dat."

    Pickhard headed back over to the being with his slugga in hand. "E' wud not av hurt ya. But if ya don't give me a gud reason, I will."

    "Knowing Orks as thou dost, would thou be captured helpless by them?" The figure answered scowling at Pickhard. "Now go back, or thou shalt most certainly die."

    After the Mad Doks came and grabbed the Ork, who it turned out was called "Torres" and slunk off with him gibbering to each other about how they had so many experiments they could do the Q thing turned back to Pickhard. "Kaptain, thy little centuries go by so rapidly. Perhaps thou will better understand this." The Q changed into a bit of a later Ork. "You can't deny you're still a dangerous, savage, child race!"

    "Wut? Korse not, dat's da fun uv it." Pickhard asked confused now. Did the being somehow miss the gunz batteries when he was looking at the Orkiprize?

    "Which time you slaughtered millions in argu.... wait you agreed with me?" The Q was now confused expecting a denial.

    "Hehe, doze were gud times." Pickhard chuckled and Q was surprised again.

    As Q stood stunned into silence for a minute Worf walked over.

    "Sir, sickbay reports Torres' condition is ... better... I was unwilling to ask for more detail, they sounded too pleased with themselves." Worf reported.

    "Oh concern for one's fellow comrade. How touching." Q replied.

    "A personal request. Permission to clean up the bridge?" Worf asked.

    "Dat Worf git iz rite. As da Sekurity Big Nob, I kan't just stand here and let..." Dash-da-Kar rumbled as he began heading down towards the Kaptain.

    "Yes, you can. Kuz if ennywun gets a go at da git itz me." Pickhard said snapping his powa klaw open and closed a couple times.

    "Oh better, and of course, on reaching space Orks found enemies to fight out there too." Q said condescendingly.

    "Corse we did. Wut iz da point uv space travel if not fer dat." Pickhard said more confused than ever... what race did this being think it was dealing with?

    Q was stunned, sat back and wondering what the hell happened.... something was wrong about this.... the word 'human' flicked across his mind before vanishing again....

    "Judge and Prosecute! What a splendid idea..." Q said as if to a conversation that Pickhard had never had... "When next we meet we'll proceed exactly as you suggest."

    With a flash he disappeared. "Wut in Gork's name wuz dat."

    Worf and Dash-da-Kar were quick to suggest violence. Dogga stood up. "E iz a powaful git. I rekkomend we avoid da git." Pickhard backhanded the Weirdboy.

    "You, Worf, tell da gitz in enjuneerin ta send up a boy ta fly da ship. You tinboy. Look up da results uv takin da top bit off at WAAAAGH speed." Pickhard said moving to take his seat.

    "Inadvisable at any warp speed sir." Data replied.

    "Search fer theorektic... search fer what gitz fink wud happen."

    "It is possible. But absolutely no margin for error." Data replied.

    "Eksellent. We is doing it. Use da lowd-speeka, let all da gits know we iz gonna push da big red button." Pickhard grinned. "We iz gunna serprize da janglies off dat flashy git. If da duzzent werk we iz gunna go full dakka."

    The Orkiprize leapt to full velocity as the Mek who'd come up to pilot the ship spun it round and, without further ado, smashed the red button with a closed fist. The Orkiprize leapt off the mark to high warp in moments as the barrier folded up into a ball and raced off after the Orkiprize.

    "Da flashy gits fing iz closing fast boss." Dash-da-Kar said watching his console.

    "We're now at warp 9.3, which takes us past the red line." Worf said watching over the shoulder of the Mek.

    "So?" Pickhard said turning to Dogga Troy. "So wot yoo fink we just met?"

    Dogga Troy shrugged. "Wot da fuk, wuzzn't like uz."

    "Da Hostile iz beginnin ta ovatake uz." Dash-da-Kar said. "Shud I use da Torpedo launchas to scare it off?"

    "Git must have a big red button uv 'iz own." Pickhard replied.

    "Hostile's velocity is warp 9.6. Shall I put them on the main viewer?" Data asked.

    "Do it." Pickhard said shrugging. The view angle changed and they saw a ball of shifting light advancing quickly on the aft quarter. "Magnifying viewer image." suddenly the screen was filled with the ball of what looked like blue fire surrounded by red fire.

    "Dis iz da Bridge to da Enjun room. Press da red button harder!" Pickard demanded.

    "Da git iz still klosin." Dash-da-Kar said.

    "Wot da hell. All stayshuns, all decks. Prepare ta separate da top bit." Pickhard ordered. Worf and Data looking at him with a trace of fear while the Orks on the bridge began cheering. "ERE WE GO ERE WE GO ERE WE GO!"

    "Yoo, Worf, yoo iz gunna kommand da top bit." Pickard ordered.

    "I am a Klingon. To seek escape when my captain goes into battle..." Worf began to object.

    "You are a weedy git Worf and will follow da orda." Pickard snapped cuffing the Klingon around the head again.

    "Aye sir." Worf relented.

    With that a bunch of other orks came onto the bridge as Pickhard took the kommand krew, minus Worf, down to the battle bridge in the 'Dakka sekshun'.


    Pickard sat down in his kommand throne. "Dash-da-Kar, da Torpedoes must blow ta bitz close enuff to da git ta blind it while we ditch da top bit. Da uvvas kan hit it fer all I kare."

    "Got it boss." Dash-da-Kar said grinning wildly.

    As the plans to separate the ship halves began the ship lurched with the torpedo salvoes being fired by Dash-da-Kar as the Ork Boys in the arsenal loaded them as quickly as possible.

    "Starship separation in six, five, " Data began counting. With the sound of hydraulics and loud slamming bolts ripping open the saucer section of the Ork vessel came off and the Ork now piloting a "Cheef Bryan" turned the ship about as they moved to confront the object as it closed.

    "Bring uz to a stop." Pickhard said.

    "Will we make a fite uv it boss?" Dash-da-Kar said coming around anxious and ready for a fight.

    "You rekkomend that we fite a git dat can do all uv dat?" Pickhard asked raising an eyebrow-squig at Dash-da-Kar.

    "Korse I am." He said.

    "Gud, I wuddent want ta fink you was a weedy grot." Pickhard said as they watched the orb approach. "Dogga. Send out da message on all speaky-fings. WAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

    As the orb approached and Q watched waiting for their declaration of surrender, expecting it, he was surprised as all frequencies were assaulted with the warcry of the Orks. The field expanded and surrounded them. "DAKKA DAKKA DAKKA!" Pickhard ordered and the main combat section of the Orkiprize opened fire with everything it had. Zzap gunz lashed out from their arrays, the Gunz across the ship blazed as they hurled out shells into the void and the missile launchas spat out all kinds of exotic ordnance into the void.

    And then with a flash of light the bridge crew found themselves standing in some sort of courthouse. Cheering mobs on the stands as a soldier came in firing a shoota into the air silencing the grots as some sort of umie looking fella enunciated. "The prisoners will all stand."

    Pickhard ignored them and sat down curious more than anything while the imbecile addressed the "court" and demanded all rise for the 'honourable judge'. "Get to your feet criminals!" THe guard said as Dogga remarked. "Kareful boss, dis iz real."

    Pickhard simply stood up over the guard and snipped him in two with a single swipe of his powa klaw.

    The judge meanwhile moved forwards on some sort of fancy chair and Data turned to the Kaptain. "At least we're acquainted with the Judge Kaptain."

    "The prisoners will not be harmed... until they're found guilty." Q said looking at the bisected guard. "Dispose of that." He ordered.

    "Before this gracious court appear these... prisoners." The strange looking being said, "to answer for the multiple and grievous savageries of the species." The little one dashed a gong. "How plead you criminal."

    "Fugg off." Pickhard said blasting the being with his Kustom Mega-blasta vaporising the torso of it.

    "You will answer the charges criminal." The voice said and Pickhard watched as the being was standing there once more... resurrected by this Q presumably.

    "Fugg off." Pickhard said again blasting him once more.

    On his court-throne Q's mind roiled. This was wrong. This was all wrong something was seriously out of place here and despite all his power he couldn't discover what, indeed, when he tried too hard to think about it it was like something came and redirected his thoughts away. All wrong...

    "To continue these legal proceedings, I must caution you that legal trickery is not permitted." Q said his thoughts forced away from the paradox before him. "This is a court of... fact." He finished. "You will now answer to the charge of being a grievously savage race." Q said getting up close to Pickhard before an expression of utter surprise crossed his face as he looked down at the power klaw buried in his torso.

    With a flash of light he moved back and undid the damage, though it was clear it had pained and surprised him. "You ... stabbed me... Present the charges!" Q snapped as he moved back resolving not to get within its reach again...

    "Criminal! You will read the charges to the court." The strange man, once more alive, said flinching as he held out some form of data-storage.

    Dogga Troy took it from the man curious and passed it to Pickhard. Pickhard looked at it scanning it. "Wut, none uv dis is about uz. I iz being ripped off. I ain't taking credit fer deze guys."

    "You are out of order!" Q snapped.

    Soldiers stepped up close, but not too close, and aimed their weapons at the Orks. "Soldiers, you will press the trigger if the prisoner answers with any word other than guilty."

    "Ho boy yoo really iz asking fer it." The soldiers paused more confused than ever before. "WAAAGH!" Pickhard answered and began blasting into the crowd and guards as the rest of his crew except for Data began to do the same. Q once more felt the reeling sense that things were wrong. That this was not how things were meant to go.

    PART1 End

    Basic Premise: Orks replace humans in the Federation. What TNG would look like if this was the case *Assuming sufficient plot device to keep the story basically on track*

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