Coping with Disappointments

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by ElBell, Nov 14, 2014.

  1. How do you guys tend to deal with such things like feeling disappointed, rejected, or otherwise put down? Everyone is of course different in what they do, and different issues will cause different responses, but how do you as an individual most often react to these sorts of feelings?

    I sadly have the habit of knee-jerk reacting or crushing myself a bit, though most often it ends up with me just kind of abandoning whatever made me upset <.< sadly, today, that meant leaving a forum very dear to me but I am too stubborn to take it back x3 But I am indeed curious how other people over here react!~
  2. I drink.
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  3. Darn you adults and easier access to coping methods :P
  4. I try to not plunge my hairs or break something in my room. Also, I try to block those people (as I don't fight IRL anymore) wherever we fought and move on. Or not.
  5. I've never really been the type of person to let anything hold me back. If it was rejection, I just accept it with no problem and move on. If it was being put down intentionally in a rude way I make sure to respond to it and then just keep on going. I've been disappointed quite a few times in my life, but I don't let it get the best of me. I mean sure I still think about whatever the disappoint was, but I don't let it bother me much unless it was something HUGE.
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  6. I feel a little down. Maybe about six hours? Then I say, "Challenge accepted."

    And then proceed to kick ass.

    Then again, my definition of "disappointment" tends to involve a negative healthcare outcome/fatality, there fore my scale of things is a little different from yours.

    If it didn't involve a fatality, then I generally don't quite care. Because it is generally manageable.

    I use this as a metaphor for my coping strategies in general:



    All joking aside, I tend to prioritize what requires me to feel bad about something. A lot of things are surprisingly transient or minor and therefore do not warrant my attention. Higher-yield issues will make me feel disappointned, but only because if I tackle them and find a solution, the return is worth the invested time.

    It sounds economical and rather mechanical, but that's how I deal with things - if you've got time to bitch and feel down, you have time to find a solution.
  7. Being disappointed, rejected, etc. is a part of life, I would never dwell on it for very long, there's plenty more to life than just that one thing.

    I wouldn't dare try to forget about it, however, remember it and prepare for it in the future.
  8. Punching thing.


    not People.
  9. If video games got me upset, watch anime.

    If anime got me upset, play video games.

    As I already have a crushingly low self esteem, I always expect rejection and failure in just about anything (heck I expect every post in any rp after mine to be the other person saying I suck and they can't deal with me anymore) so those things never get me down. But video games? Video games are always there to get me angry.

    TL;DR: Play video games
  10. The trick to never being disappointed by anything, is to never expect anything. It's a win-win situation. If the situation goes pear-shaped, you were prepared for it. If everything goes well, then it's a pleasant surprise.

    In case that doesn't work, I just curl up into the foetal position and cry a lot.
  11. So basically:
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  12. I'm mostly unpleasant to be around and take out my anger on anyone who happens to be in my vicinity... Oh, wait. That doesn't really differ from my normal behavior :D

    Seriously, though, I never really allow myself to be disappointed. And do you know why? Because I always have a back-up plan. If something goes awry, I generally know how to proceed.
  13. You should, logically, only worry about that which you can affect. If you can influence something in no way, shape, or form, then beating yourself up about it makes no sense - there's nothing you can do. All you can do is learn from the experience, and focus on what you can change or do something about. Positive reframing. If you get caught up in what you're helpless to change - like mistakes or disappointments in the past - you'll screw more stuff up in future by A) Not focusing on it and B) Not having learned from the previous experience.
  14. I usually just blame myself and curl up in a shady and dusty corner while wondering why I'm such an useless piece of crap who can't do anything right and why I was ever even born. My self loathing goes on for about a day and once I've had a chance to sleep through a night, this happens:


    Screw everything, I don't give a damn anyway. And we all know this is by far the best way to deal with things.

    Basically, on the second day, I'm frustrated and I pretty much get pissed at everyone and everything. For some reason, all kinds of noises and sounds piss me off particularly during this time. I might start yelling at people to shut their pieholes even if they just exchange few words by themselves while I'm in a hearing distance. I pretty much turn into an asshole. Being around me on that day is not recommended.

    Give me another good night's sleep and I'll be back to normal the next morning. More or less. The pissed off stage has been known to last up to three days. Or I might just get depressed from the very beginning depending on how big of an impact that particular disappointment had on me.
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  15. I'm rarely disappointed anymore, not because everything goes wrong but that the mentality you take when everything goes to shit is the key.

    In other words, my mantra, "Well this is definitely shitty, but it could be twenty times shittier."

    And then I feel better. :D
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  16. Hoo boy. Siddown, boys and girls, Elle has hit upon a very heavy subject for me.


    Having a healthy, positive method of dealing with disappointment and frustration is one of the most important parts of mental health. This isn't to say you're crazy if you lack these things, just that it can be a huge problem in your life that effects other important aspects like your self esteem, relationships, social life, etc, if you don't.

    I personally struggle with this a lot. I have a short temper IRL, and while I've gotten a lot better at choosing my battles and considering whether something is worth the anger, that kind of forethought isn't always possible. When you've been disappointed or frustrated, anger can rise almost before you even realize it has. Especially if it concerns an issue you've been bottling up. Slowing yourself down enough to realize how you're reacting, and switch to a more positive outlet is an effort most people severely underestimate. It requires the understanding and support of literally everyone around you, and that's not even counting the hard part: finding an outlet.

    Anger born from anything is a violent emotion, and our primary way to express it is in violent ways: yelling, hitting something, breaking things, being mean, etc. taking that kind of violent energy (for lack of a less Nu-Age-y term) and releasing it through a more positive activity can be really hard!

    Some suggestions I've heard before for a positive, or at least non-destructive outlet for anger include

    • Art: throw your energy into and express how you feel through writing, painting, dance, making weird memes, anything. It doesn't matter if other people will like it or even if it's any good. What's important is that it express your feelings without fuelling them
    • Diary / Journal: works the same as Art; expression and a calming, quiet activity. I advocate writing with a pen over an online journal, because the tactile sensation of writing can be soothing. Again, the point is to express how you feel without fuelling the fire. focus on the causes that made you feel this way; try to work on a way to address these causes and create understanding.
    • Exercise: because anger is a violent feeling, doing something physical can be very helpful to vent your frustration and tire you out Ai you can contemplate solutions. Weights, running, walking, yoga, swimming, dance, whatever does it for you. Many find it additionally helpful to do exercise where they have to leave the house. Physically getting away from the source of your anger can be calming.
    • Talk: this requires two things: a calm mind so 'talk' doesn't become 'fight' or 'yell', and a listener who is ready and able to listen. You can also do this with voice recording, but it's infinitely more helpful to talk *to* someone. Again, addressing specifically what makes you feel the way you do, and establishing understanding with someone can do wonders to relieve the strain.
    • A mantra: repitition can be calming, make sure your mantra is positive! Counting to ten also works in a similar way.
    • Distraction: the caveat to this one is that you DO still have to deal with the anger and address the cause after you've calmed down with music, a game, movies, writing, cleaning, etc.
    • have a good cry: this is your body's best stress reliever. If you want to cry, let 'er rip, then blow your nose, wash your face, and deal with it.
    When I talk about expressing how you feel, it sounds really wishywashy. This is a big part of why men have special trouble finding an anger outlet, they're tought that expressing feelings is feminine, and being 'stoic' is masculine. So I'd like to talk about expressing feelings for a second.

    "When you said X THING" earlier, it seemed like you were disrespecting me, and so I became defensive and irritable. I want you to know that what you said was not cool - neither was my reaction, but I wanted you to understand why I acted that way."

    "When lots of relatively trivial things go wrong like they did today, it makes me feel powerless, like I can't even accomplish a small task. At times like these, I need to get away and do something I can succeed at for a bit, and I will get back on track when I'm calm and ready to. Please understand and let me work through it; I promise everything will still get done."

    "I'm very angry/upset/frustrated right now, and need to calm down on my own because I don't want to mistreat you."

    "Today, a lot of customers were very rude to me. It's a very demeaning experience since I can't respond in kind while I'm working. It can be hard to put them out of my mind, but I have to remember they're not worth my brainwaves. Maybe a movie will help distract me. "

    All of these are perfectly valid ways of describing how a person feels, without being especially wishy washy. When you're talking about feelings, you always have to be vulnerable. However you should be addressing someone you trust, who has probably had to experience similar vulnerability themselves. You need to value a relationship of understanding instead of violence and bottled emotion, and trust the people around you with this side of yourself, which is difficult but in my opinion necessary.

    Dealing with this stuff is hard, it takes a lot of practice and patience from yourself as well as those around you, but if you can deal with disappointment and frustration in a healthy way, it's so, so worth the effort.
    #16 Minibit, Nov 14, 2014
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2014
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  17. I've got three ways I deal with disappointments.

    First, I work to keep my expectations reasonable to both soften potential disappointments and to make it so when things are absolutely fantastic then it's surprisingly great instead of just living up to my own mental hype. This works fairly well for me, so I'm not disappointed by things very often. However, sometimes it doesn't work due to the disappointing thing being something totally out of the blue that I didn't have any time to prepare myself for, or because the thing turns out so fucking awfully that it demolishes even my lowered expectations, or because I couldn't manage to rein in the optimism/hype and the thing turned out awful, and that's where the other two methods come into play.

    Second, once disappointment occurs, I try to take an objective look at whatever happened and see how it's not a big deal or how things could be way worse. Usually disappointing things end up being tiny when looked at in the scale of "how will this affect my life overall?" so it's easy to discard them. This also has a high success rate, because most of the things that make it through my preventative measures tend to be media things I got myself excited for but ended up being shitty and it's very easy to come to the rational conclusion that a movie or video game being bad is not a big deal, but sometimes it fails (usually for bigger things) and that's where my third method comes into play.

    Third, should it become necessary due to getting past the first two lines of defense, I turn to some rather unhealthy coping mechanisms. You asked "how do you cope with disappointments?" rather than for actual good advice, so I'll just go ahead and be honest about it with the warning that this is bad and people should not follow my example. If lowered expectations or objective assessment fail I do one of two things depending on the nature of the disappointment. If it's something like people rejecting me or putting me down, I turn up the narcissism dial and run with thoughts like "fuck them, I'm awesome, they're not worth my time anyway, bunch of worthless cunts" and that tends to make me feel better about it very quickly. If it's something that narcissism won't fix, say the death of a loved one, then I go for repressing and bottling instead. That's what I did when my father died when I was a young kid, for example; I bottled it all up with very little outward expression and then like 3 years later during a rough patch in my life that temporarily broke down my emotional walls my sadness and anger directed at my father came pouring on out as well and it was just no fun for anyone involved.

    So that's how I deal with disappointments. Definitely not the best way to go about it, but it has more or less worked for me all my life, so it's not the worst way either.
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  18. I recluse away from the human race for a while until I can recover.

    As for alcohol, it's good for fun, terrible for pain. The ones who deny it strongest are hurting themselves the most on it, generally.
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  19. Negative emotions, like disappointment, with me eventually all boil down to anger. There are three stages with me; Frustration. Anger. Calm.

    During frustration I bitch a lot. That relieves stress and helps me laugh about it and myself later. I guess it's a little childish, but if I can allow myself to be expressive early on, I won't hold as many grudges or bottle up anger. It becomes harder for me to forgive people if I don't blow off steam early. I can manage to remain calm where necessary, but this will always be my preferred outlet. Self-control remains fairly easy, and I can solve problems normally in this state, though I tend to be a little more direct. Holding it in for too long though, often leads to anger.

    With anger, energy starts building up, which can out itself in louder and more physical forms of aggression. At this point it's important for me to lose this excess energy, best done through physical activity. If I run laps after an argument, that means I probably really, really felt like punching you. I try to remove myself from a situation as soon as possible with this, usually by abruptly walking away and then exercise in some form, because my self control may slip.

    So far the extent of frustration I've encountered is calm. It occurs when being forced to control my anger too long, someone doing something over the top or repeated serious incidents. It has a tendency to skip the anger-phase altogether. I actually get very calm and think logically. The issue with it is that my mindset also becomes extremely destructive. It's hard to describe, but I get really good at empathy while really bad at sympathy. I have no filter on what I say or do, so I do my best to avoid people who aren't involved. Unfortunately, this isn't easily fixed in any way and without exception gives form to a permanent grudge I'll hold towards the object of my frustration.

    Rejection on the other hand, I deal a lot better with. Courtesy of having been a manwhore guy who spent a lot of time trying to pick up girls in the past. Crude metaphor, perhaps, but it helped me build my confidence. Rule number one to that essentially is that you're going to get a no more often than a yes, even if you're the smoothest talking embodiment of a sex-god alive. And that's okay. Just because one person doesn't like you, doesn't mean another won't. Everyone has the right to say no to you, just like you have the right to say no to everyone else. And that's honestly how I feel about it, no matter whether it comes to girls, job interviews or hell I don't know, RP characters. Heck, at job interviews and RP applications, you can ask the reason why they rejected you and probably learn from it; improving your chances for your next try and helping you grow in your role. It's a balance between the arrogance confidence I'm sure to be good enough for someone else and the humility to learn.
  20. How do I cope with disappointment, rejection, and other things that put me down? Well, first off, it depends on what the situation is and whether I care about it or not (because I am an insensitive and sensitive person all mashed together). If something is really bothering me and really affecting my lifestyle, I go online and escape reality, I cry my heart out for a few hours, I type up my emotions in the counseling on here, and I call my Mom to talk to her.

    Those are all things I do to deal with things that put me down, especially rejection, isolation, and low self-esteem. Digging deeper into disappointment, well, my Dad has learned not to spoil me pretty. He also has a short temper, and I mean, really short temper. So, summing that all up together, I go with the disappointment simply because I don't want to see or hear him all angry for no reason. Even if it hurts, I cope with it and we talk it out other times, as well. This is just the way life is.