Hoo boy. Siddown, boys and girls, Elle has hit upon a very heavy subject for me.
*cough*
Having a healthy, positive method of dealing with disappointment and frustration is one of the most important parts of mental health. This isn't to say you're crazy if you lack these things, just that it can be a huge problem in your life that effects other important aspects like your self esteem, relationships, social life, etc, if you don't.
I personally struggle with this a lot. I have a short temper IRL, and while I've gotten a lot better at choosing my battles and considering whether something is worth the anger, that kind of forethought isn't always possible. When you've been disappointed or frustrated, anger can rise almost before you even realize it has. Especially if it concerns an issue you've been bottling up. Slowing yourself down enough to realize how you're reacting, and switch to a more positive outlet is an effort most people severely underestimate. It requires the understanding and support of literally everyone around you, and that's not even counting the hard part: finding an outlet.
Anger born from anything is a violent emotion, and our primary way to express it is in violent ways: yelling, hitting something, breaking things, being mean, etc. taking that kind of violent energy (for lack of a less Nu-Age-y term) and releasing it through a more positive activity can be really hard!
Some suggestions I've heard before for a positive, or at least non-destructive outlet for anger include
- Art: throw your energy into and express how you feel through writing, painting, dance, making weird memes, anything. It doesn't matter if other people will like it or even if it's any good. What's important is that it express your feelings without fuelling them
- Diary / Journal: works the same as Art; expression and a calming, quiet activity. I advocate writing with a pen over an online journal, because the tactile sensation of writing can be soothing. Again, the point is to express how you feel without fuelling the fire. focus on the causes that made you feel this way; try to work on a way to address these causes and create understanding.
- Exercise: because anger is a violent feeling, doing something physical can be very helpful to vent your frustration and tire you out Ai you can contemplate solutions. Weights, running, walking, yoga, swimming, dance, whatever does it for you. Many find it additionally helpful to do exercise where they have to leave the house. Physically getting away from the source of your anger can be calming.
- Talk: this requires two things: a calm mind so 'talk' doesn't become 'fight' or 'yell', and a listener who is ready and able to listen. You can also do this with voice recording, but it's infinitely more helpful to talk *to* someone. Again, addressing specifically what makes you feel the way you do, and establishing understanding with someone can do wonders to relieve the strain.
- A mantra: repitition can be calming, make sure your mantra is positive! Counting to ten also works in a similar way.
- Distraction: the caveat to this one is that you DO still have to deal with the anger and address the cause after you've calmed down with music, a game, movies, writing, cleaning, etc.
- have a good cry: this is your body's best stress reliever. If you want to cry, let 'er rip, then blow your nose, wash your face, and deal with it.
When I talk about expressing how you feel, it sounds really wishywashy. This is a big part of why men have special trouble finding an anger outlet, they're tought that expressing feelings is feminine, and being 'stoic' is masculine. So I'd like to talk about expressing feelings for a second.
"When you said X THING" earlier, it seemed like you were disrespecting me, and so I became defensive and irritable. I want you to know that what you said was not cool - neither was my reaction, but I wanted you to understand why I acted that way."
"When lots of relatively trivial things go wrong like they did today, it makes me feel powerless, like I can't even accomplish a small task. At times like these, I need to get away and do something I can succeed at for a bit, and I will get back on track when I'm calm and ready to. Please understand and let me work through it; I promise everything will still get done."
"I'm very angry/upset/frustrated right now, and need to calm down on my own because I don't want to mistreat you."
"Today, a lot of customers were very rude to me. It's a very demeaning experience since I can't respond in kind while I'm working. It can be hard to put them out of my mind, but I have to remember they're not worth my brainwaves. Maybe a movie will help distract me. "
All of these are perfectly valid ways of describing how a person feels, without being especially wishy washy. When you're talking about feelings, you always have to be vulnerable. However you should be addressing someone you trust, who has probably had to experience similar vulnerability themselves. You need to value a relationship of understanding instead of violence and bottled emotion, and trust the people around you with this side of yourself, which is difficult but in my opinion necessary.
Dealing with this stuff is hard, it takes a lot of practice and patience from yourself as well as those around you, but if you can deal with disappointment and frustration in a healthy way, it's so, so worth the effort.