But now I'm insecure, and I care what people think

[Celest]

​

We all have them. I will be the first to tell you that I definitely do. It is hard to admit, though. Especially when it comes down to pinpointing exactly what they are and how they impact my life. It's hard to tell others about your negative self-talk, the demons that run around in your mind. Why? Because people are generally scared of being judged, rejected, abandoned, if people see the true mess that is under the surface.

This isn't a light, airy, fun topic, but I am huge advocate of transparency and finding a common ground. I feel like sometimes when we are behind a computer screen we sometimes forget the struggles of others or put up a front that truly isn't who we are. But, maybe that's the point of the internet?


My insecurities are my appearance, judgement from others, being carried in games, being incapable of understanding, rejection, not belonging, being shallow, not matching up with everyone else in skill. These insecurites impact me IRL and online in many different ways that make me shy, nervous to approach people, aklways concerned about what people think. It sucks! And I'm trying to work through them, but it is easier said than done =P​

 

[Sidhe]

My insecurities are 'everything'

Am I ugly? Am I fat? Am I dressed well? Is my makeup okay? Is my hair too frizzy? Do people notice all the cat hair on my clothes that I can't get off?

Am I too awkward? Did I say something to hurt someone? Is my writing okay? Does this person hate me? Do I sound rude? Do I sound intimidating? Do I sound stupid? Am I stupid? Everyone is so much smarter than me. Everyone is so much more accomplished than me. I'll never amount to anything.

Anxiety plagues my life, and also comes with a hefty dose of paranoia. It has made me pretty self absorbed and very vain, which are traits I hate about myself. I know that no one is paying attention to me to the extent I think they are, if they're paying attention to me at all, but I still feel like everyone is looking at me and judging me negatively every time I step outside. Outside of my appearance, I'm worried that I won't sound intelligent enough, or I'll accidentally offend someone and make them upset. I'm worried that I'm not articulate enough.

It makes interacting with other people hard, if not impossible.

 

[Celest]

Am I ugly? Am I fat? Am I dressed well? Is my makeup okay? Is my hair too frizzy?

I feel the same ways. I put myself through so much anxiety when it comes to this that I won't even try sometimes. Which, makes me feel 100% worse about myself and more worried about how I'm appearing.

 

[Mu]

I think people hate me. Like, constantly. I'm not a pleasant person when you get to know me well, and I come from a household where you know... subjected to teh smexy Asian treatment. I'm not exactly very confident in myself. I know I have flaws. I have trouble understanding why some people weigh positives over my negatives But I'm happy to know that there are people out there who love me, even if I keep ying to myself. I'm trying to get better now, but yeah. That is, or was, me.

 

[junebug]

Wow, I'm not even sure where to start on this since I feel like a lot of my insecurities have faded, but I'm not necessarily assertive yet, so I know there's still a lot I need to work on. I'll take a small conversation today that I had with some people. I felt like they were deliberately ignoring me, but I didn't really speak up on how I was feeling. All I did was ask them a question, they responded, then I dismissed the situation like it'd never happened. I definitely wasn't assertive, so if I think back on why I didn't want to check the messages right away, there's probably a few reasons why I acted passive, shy, and frustrated.

Some reasons could be that I felt like they weren't going to care about what I had to say, I thought they were going to yell at me, etc. I know I'm not happy about the breakout on my face (considering I've been trying to get rid of it for a while now), but I don't feel that I'm insecure about it either because I don't think negative thoughts about it. However, I do want it to go away. I don't feel that I'm insecure about my body, but I do know that I want to be more fit to get toned legs and stomach. So, I do need to work on being more assertive and not being afraid to speak my mind, obviously provided that I'm nice about what I say haha!

My biggest insecurity is probably my ability to do mathematics. I've always struggled with it, always. I'm trying my best to do everything I can to get a good grade, but every single time I take a test, every thing I've worked so hard to learn for flows right out the window. I try not to overthink things, but sometimes it's hard because of that perfectionist streak I have inside me. It's not as terrible anymore, but I think it's still in there somewhere. I just want to be good at math. I want to be able to do simple things instead of fucking it all over. I never thought I would get so discouraged over a test I took a while back and cry over it because I couldn't remember how to solve inequalities with different signs.

I don't like my hairy arms either, but I've learned to let that go. I still plan to get rid of them though, at least for a while. I'm tired of the cuts and burns I get on my legs from my razor too. I want to get rid of the hair on my legs for a while too. *big sigh*

 

[LunaValentine]

I'm worried about my weight. That I can't lose what I need to in order to be at a "healthy" weight. I'm not even doing it for me. I'm always scared that people see me as the annoying friend they just invite along because they feel bad for me. I don't go out and I'm terrified of asking my coworkers if they just want to hang out because I don't want to interrupt their lives and routines. At the very least I've got job security....though I do freak out a little internally every time my boss wants to talk. But I've got a couple of important systems on my desk so I should feel fairly secure.

 

[LunaValentine]

I know I'm not happy about the breakout on my face (considering I've been trying to get rid of it for a while now), but I don't feel that I'm insecure about it either because I don't think negative thoughts about it. However, I do want it to go away.

I feel ya here. It can be a pain.

 

[Celest]

I have trouble understanding why some people weigh positives over my negatives

I go through this. It's sorta like "how can you see so much good when I know all the bad?" I have learned, though, that maybe somehow they truly see me. They don't have the filtered view of me that I do. So, I've accepted how they see me while still understanding how I see myself. It's a weird dynamic, though.

it's hard because of that perfectionist streak

So much this. I feel like society has ingrained in everyone that they need to be 'perfect'. Some truly absorb this more than others. Personally, I've let my perfectionist ideas keep me from experiencing things, trying things, simply because I won't be perfect at it right away. If I don't try then I won't see that I'm not perfect.

That I can't lose what I need to in order to be at a "healthy" weight.

The feelz. I feel like my weight will never be something I'll overcome. No matter how much I try, I just fail again, you know?

 

[Foxy]

My insecurities have been somewhat building with the more time I spend to think about myself.

I'm too clingy. I'm bothering them. I'm lonely but I don't know how to talk to people. When I talk I talk to much, or not enough. I'm too quiet. I'm too outspoken. I'm defensive. I'm weird. I don't do what's expected of me. I don't belong. Is there a place I belong? Do I want to be alone? What do I want to do? I can't do anything right. My writing is the same. My words never change. I ramble, I shrink in, I explode randomly, I don't understand things, I'm afraid constantly, I don't have a plan, I don't have many friends, and I don't know hat I should do with my life.

To sum it up, I feel as though the word "FAILURE" is scrawled across my forehead, next to the word "FREAK" and "DESPERATE".

I don't like being touched and I flinch when people brush against me before rubbing at my arm or hand, wherever they did touch, and I get weird looks for it but I can't help the feeling of my skin crawling. I don't know how to explain my problems, because it's baggage no one wants to hear and I've trained myself to smile and say "I'm okay" when I really want to break down and cry. People don't understand my hate for taking medication, more specifically, pills, because they don't consider my past with attempted suicide because there's no scars on my wrists. I fear people to a degree that it has hindered my ability to go to doctors without my mother in the room with me. I'm an adult, I should be able to go to the doctors without fearing them, but I can't help it.

I choke on my words, so I write. But now when I write, everything feels the same. I haven't changed, I haven't grown, I just pretend. I can smile and chat. It's easy to mask discomfort with someone standing too close when I have a phone to hide behind. I hide my image behind baggy clothes, I prefer men's shirts and hoodies to women's, and I always go for the ones two sizes too big. Rarely do I leave my room unless it's to spend time with my mother because, honestly, my friends that I trust are on here. I learned the hard way what my issues could do to others, so I don't have any close friends around me in "real life", as people like to say.

My insecurities have crippled me, yet I know how to act "normal". I can keep up small talk, I can force a realistic smile instead of jerking away from someone, or I look down at the ground. I've managed to force a decent level to my voice, so I'm not "too quiet" for others, I keep my fears close and I apologize constantly when I feel as though I've let them out too often.

My image has never really bothered me. I hide myself often enough that I've developed a side that says "wear what makes you comfortable" which, in my case, happens to be a large hoodie, blue jeans, and a hat of some sort. My glasses, by far, are my favorite. I can take them off and the world blurs and it's like I'm alone and free to breathe. But I've been told, constantly, that I should wear more colorful clothes. That I should wear contacts, that my hats just cover my hair and that I should start showing more of myself. But I've been taught through my developing insecurities and the weird looks I get, the condescending "What did I do to you?" when I flinch or back away from someone, that no matter what I will always need to change something.

I'm afraid to bring up problems, and the only time I actually manage to stand up for myself is when I reach a breaking point of tears. I hate it. I hate that I have to lie to myself, that I smile and tell myself "You're okay, there's always worse you could be dealing with." I hate that I'm so afraid of everything around me, and more judgement, that I've trained myself to accept things and allow it to pile on until I can't take it anymore. But I rarely think of anything else to do when it reaches that point, and I haven't found a way that is considered acceptable to others around me, to deal with my problems. So I write. So far, that's been my only real freedom from dealing with the insecurities and problems from the world around me. It's not much, and it doesn't help when I pull away from someone or become increasingly uncomfortable in certain situations, but it helps.

 

[LunaValentine]

The feelz. I feel like my weight will never be something I'll overcome. No matter how much I try, I just fail again, you know?

Yes. I feel you here. I walk over two hours a day because stupid Wii U.

 

[junebug]

So much this. I feel like society has ingrained in everyone that they need to be 'perfect'. Some truly absorb this more than others. Personally, I've let my perfectionist ideas keep me from experiencing things, trying things, simply because I won't be perfect at it right away. If I don't try then I won't see that I'm not perfect.

For me, it was because of the inferiority complex I developed when I was younger. My dad was extremely overbearing that I just collapsed under pressure and believed that I had to do everything I could to be perfect. He yelled at me for the smallest of things and because of the lack of independence, it just instilled this need to try and perfect because I thought that was the only way for people to like me. Thankfully, things are much better now and I don't feel the need to be as perfect. I do agree with you on the society part though, particularly when it comes to women's body confidence.

 

[Yatagarasu]

Insecurities...

It has gotten worse when I didn't get accepted to a prestigious high school...that I wasn't even going to go to if I did get accepted. My parents berated me for a solid month or so because apparently everybody else they knew managed to get the acceptable email.

At that point I realised...I'm not a genius that everyone else told me I was. I wasn't smart. I didn't have talent. I didn't have any potential whatsoever. Even my drawings and artistic skills seems average at best and lackluster at worst. Getting an A+ in anything wasn't an achievement, it was a requirement. Sometimes I couldn't even achieve that. I still don't know what to do after high school.

To me, every mistake I make doesn't motivate me to improve. It just reminds me of how I never was a "potential genius" to begin with.

I don't even look pretty enough to bullshit my way through life. I'm so paranoid about what others think of me to the point I'm reluctant to start conversations with others too many times because I feel like I'm too boring for them, that I'm too whiny for them, that I'm too annoying and frustration to deal them. It's not like I want anyone to deal with me anyway. I blame myself for everything that brought me to this position that I cannot leave.

 

[Hana]

My parents, I feel, value me more for my academic reputation than for who I am and what I really enjoy doing and want to do with my life. Even if they keep on telling me to pursue what I want now, they still can't help but compare me to other people. People that I'm supposed to be 'smarter' than, to be more successful than. It's nice to know that they expect so much from me because they think I'm gifted, but at the same time it's never helped since they've been comparing me to my cousins all my life. To my best friends, as well.

I sometimes also think I don't deserve to be treated for depression, and that I'm supposed to be better than this. I'm supposed to get better, I'm supposed to always be upbeat and optimistic, and I'm supposed to not let anything get me down or hold me back. That's a hard mentality to get out of. I feel ashamed of myself for being diagnosed with depression. I would think at times that I'll never get better or be back to how I used to be - someone that my parents can be proud to call their daughter.

For my aspirations and what I want to pursue as a career, I always have these doubts that I can make it. That I'm good enough, or that I will be good enough.

But hey, there are still things to be grateful for. I count my blessings and that includes the people who push me forward and lay those demons to rest for the meantime every time they come back.

 

[King]

(Nice 21P reference 8) )

Honestly I don't have that many insecurities like I used to. I'm confident that I'm funky yet chunky. I got some meat on me but I don't care lmao. I think I'm pretty decent looking and I know that I'm a fun guy (call me mushroom because I'm a fungi *finger guns*) Like, physical appearance I'm good with.

I was bullied relentlessly as a teen, and my self esteem was as low as balls. I got some advice to fake til you make it with my confidence. Sure enough, I pretended I liked myself until people stopped bullying me (I think once you own the fact you're different and u like it people find hard to bully you.) And by the time I was 17, I was loving myself! I'm sexy and I know it.

However, I think I'm very insecure about my intelligence.(Ironically it used to be when I was a teen, I thought I was smart as hell but ugly. Now I think I'm dumb but attractive.) - At a basic level, I know my exams and grades do not measure my intelligence, but if I don't go to university soon then I think it'll break my heart. Deep down I'm so so so passionate about science and history that being told I'm not smart enough for it really hurts. Again, I'm more comfortable with this (I deal with it by making 10304 terrible jokes about the fact I'm a dumbass) but man it's still hard to take the long route to get to a passion 8(

 

[Sir Salty]

My mental health.

To be honest, society doesn't value mental health in the same we view physical health or physical disabilities. All my problems, limitations, all my problems are all inside my head. How can I express to someone I experience hallucinations of sound, and voices when I am stressed out.

How am I suppose to make my mental health issues and mental disability stand out, without sounding like an excuse. Without sounding like I want special treatment.

So many people disembowel mental disabilities as excuses. I have to apologize at every time and feel like I have to explain myself all the time. I have to shield myself from not sounding like I am making an excuse.

While I am not saying those with physical disabilities have it easier. It makes conversations sound a lot better, example. I have a friend who was in a pretty bad car accident that left them paralyzed, and they have nerve pain. You ask them to go out, and they say, "Today is a bad pain day" Most people will nod, say okay. And shrug it off.

But if you have clinical depression. Not the fun I am super blue, but actual clinical depression, that you have been diagnosed with since you were 9. And you're asked out.

You can't say, "sorry depressed not in the mood"

because most people will dismiss it. Tell you going out will be good for you. Without recognizing I am depressed and anxious. And my depression and anxiety are coexisting conditions that live beside my psychosis. And the more stressed and overwhelmed I am, the worse my mental state is.

People.....just....don't get it.

And I'm always worried I come off like I am making too many excuses. I have to pad it. Have to make it sound nice,

"I'm not trying to get sympathy only trying to explain so we can communicate better" <----a long winded sentence I have learned to start off the conversation about my mental health

 

[Wulfenheim]

Growing up, I had a minor physical defect that didn't keep me from actually doing anything, but I was teased endlessly about it. Said defect is now gone naturally, and I'm thankful for it. But growing up, and going through Middle School/Junior High/6th through 8th grade, it was rough, and it fucked my psyche for a long time. I was insecure my defect, my personality, my clothes; everything that the average pre-teen goes through. I got through most of it, but that insecurity about that defect has stuck with me until the end.

Nowadays, I'm still somewhat concerned about that physical flaw, but my worries are always concerning whether I'm good enough. I want to be the best I can be, and help those around me be better as well. Like others, I get struck down with depression, and thoughts of inferiority and being useless. I suppose the only advice I could give for anyone possibly similar to me is to keep rolling. The thing that gets me through the day is the thought that there are still people that need help out there, and there's still more good to be done in the world. (I guess that's why I play a Paladin-type in a lot of RPGs ;_;)


Keep on keeping on, folks. Remember, there are shit tons of people out there just like us, so be sure to lend a hand, especially if you know how dark things can get. Don't dwell in the dark; be the light for someone's day.

 

[Greenie]

Keep on keeping on, folks. Remember, there are shit tons of people out there just like us, so be sure to lend a hand, especially if you know how dark things can get. Don't dwell in the dark; be the light for someone's day.

This made me tear up.

 

[Sir Salty]

Keep on keeping on, folks. Remember, there are shit tons of people out there just like us, so be sure to lend a hand, especially if you know how dark things can get. Don't dwell in the dark; be the light for someone's day.

As much as this sounds like valuable advice. When you're discarded. Foodstamp programs are more and more notoriously awful to stop all the poor people from "abusing the system". When SSI struggles with you because you appear a certain level of functioning in communicate, but not outside skills. When the system is stacked against you. Unemployment, homelessness, social isolation. Being discarded. Being treated like you're a waste of space. That advice no longer becomes valuable.

I am no one's light. I stay purely honest. And purely honest, is reasonably dark. I rather not give out false promises because everyone has a different experience. But I rather brutal honesty, than a lie or false hope.

 

[Kagayours]

I am very insecure. About many things.

Similarly to what @Clyde said, I'm insecure about my mental health and feel like I'm making excuses when I try to explain why certain things are difficult for me.

I'm also insecure that I'm an over-sensitive crybaby who can't grow a thicker skin, and that I'll then be shunned for not having a grip on my own emotions, and that that'll only make me worse...

I'm insecure that I won't survive in the "real world", and that I'm a pathetic excuse for a human being who will never amount to anything and never be able to cope -- and it's my own fault for being such a fucking loser.


On a slightly lighter note, I worry that me talking about the same interests of mine over-and-over will make me sound two-dimensional and one note -- not to mention annoying and/or obnoxious -- and that people will only associate me with those things.

 

[Celest]

I worry that me talking about the same interests of mine over-and-over will make me sound two-dimensional and one note

Thiiiisss. I feel the exact same way. I notice when I bring up the same things. With some people, it comes up more often than others. I find myself apologizing constantly for "being a broken record".