Boyfriend... Issues?

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Cyrine Lafafel, Aug 19, 2014.

  1. Okay so me and my boyfriend have been dating for just over a year. Everything has been great, though our parents don't like us dating were are anyway(rebellious per usual) and we have been great together. He knows I RP as a stress coping mechanism and is kind of okay with it but most of our... Issues stem from my issues...

    Okay so simply put I have a lot of issues(and please don't comment you feel bad for me because I am not looking for pity but advise).
    I have acid reflex, mood swings from slight depression, dependency issues(I refuse to accept help unless it is forced on me), and I have PTSD when triggered(I lived with my mom until last year and she was an alcoholic and a mean drunk... I think you can figure out the rest). I explained all this before I started dating him and he said it was okay.
    Oh and not trying to be weird but we have never had sex because I am waiting til marriage(is that weird? ERPing when your a virgin?) He said he respected me for that decision.
    Okay there's the background on us and me now onto why I made this thread.

    So lately things have been weird...
    He got a job this summer, after begging me to quit mine last summer so he could see me more. And he has been upset all summer because he can't see me...
    He also gets upset because we don't talk a lot. But I have been with my grand for almost a week because she hasn't been feeling good and she needed the help.
    A few weeks ago we got into a fight, not uncommon but I went to talk to him and he was upset so was I. And I talked about why I got upset. I really, really hates it when he passes judgement on people he doesn't even know them. Then when I tell him to just explain why he got upset and passed judgement he did and then he went somewhere I NEVER thought he would go. He said when I get mad he gets scared for his life. He says he doesn't feel safe when I get mad(and I do have anger issues but after I moved out of my mom's house I worked really hard and for the past seven months they have been completely under control). I literally got up as I started crying and ran away. I almost got sick and latter on he came to talk to me and said sorry, saying he didn't mean to say it. Then I say if he doesn't feel safe around me then we weren't going to date anymore. He started crying and saying I couldn't do that. We talked some more and he convinced me he meant something else and for me not to end our relationship.
    Then today he calls me up, talking about himself for literally about eight minutes before asking what Im up to, I say 'nothing' and that's were things got bad. He starts ranting about some vegan chick on dA(deviant, a site he hates, a site I upload my art on) who feeds her dogs berries. Okay I understand he is upset but then he starts calling her an animal abuser. I said she is feeding the animal so its not abuse, and that she might just be a troll trying to get a rise out of people. He disagrees saying she uploaded photos of herself and her dog, I say how does this affect him and he says its bullshit, dogs should eat dog food and humans should eat almost anything because their omnivores... I ask him why he was belittiling someone he doesn't know. And then he got passed so I said goodbye because I wasn't in the mood to fight.

    I am just so sick of this, he has never, and I mean NEVER, acted like this before and I just don't know what to do.

    Advise from someone please? Or just someone to talk to, I don't care I am just so confused! x__x
     
  2. ....This....This bugs me a bit. He can't tell you what you can and can't do. :/ As for the anger thing, if he knew about it before hand he should've known you were working on it. I mean....it was kinda a rude....if not cruel thing to say to you. hmmmm as for advice, make sure this isn't a controlling kinda relationship. You shouldn't guilt him into anything and he shouldn't guilt you into anything. As for his ranting...kinda sounds dumb....why should he care if this person is being an idiot by his standards? Yes dog's need meat but it doesn't have to specifically be dog food. I think feeding them all berries isn't good but you gotta balance everything. But...if this person doesn't live anywhere near him why the hell should he get so worked up? He sounds like he looks for things to be mad about.

    Also have a hug. *offers hug*
     
  3. Hey Cyrine,

    It's nice to meet you, and I'm sorry you are having a difficult time. Being their for our Elders can be stressful and rewarding.

    First I will say this, You and very young. You have a lot of tie ahead of you to change, to grow, and become an adult. These things will happen whether you want them to or not.

    Change is inevitable, it is the absolute constant in the universe.

    you just have to try and enjoy this ride called life. Don't be too hard on yourself and talk to your parents/guardians/trusted friends.


    As for the Boyfriend, You again, are very very young. Boys tend to get very grumpy when they work, It's worse when they are Men. believe it or not they need space and time to relax after working Especially if it's labor intensive, Long hours, or also going to school at the same time. We all deal with stress in different ways.

    My Boyfriend advice: Give him the space after work that he needs to chill out. Space is Healthy for relationships. My parents didn't see each other for three years before my brother was born. My mother lived in new york and my dad was in Philadelphia, They wrote letters to each other and stayed in touch.

    `If distance is something neither of you can handle it just means to need to get used to it and if you can't then Move on.

    `Do not let him dictate to you what you do with your life, he isn't going to live it for you. Try to understand where he is coming from, sure, but do not accept that kind of behavior you are not a 'thing' that he can 'control' and because you guys are still young "self control" is something that takes a good while to master.

    You also should not have to walk of eggshells to keep him from getting upset, giving him space and time to relax is one thing, but if you have to keep yourself from saying certain things that you value, enjoy, and just all around make you the wonderful person you are, then it is time to reevaluate the relationship and have a serious conversation about where it is heading. He is also changing, that is why he never acted like this before.


    You have an entire Life ahead of you and the most important advice I can give you...

    Please take the time to get to know yourself, you will go through so many changes in just the next 4 years, take the time to know you and love yourself.
    Loving someone else before we are self acknowledged always ends, because who we are when it starts, changes, and in the end we discover that we want better for ourselves. I mean better in the sense of life in general, chasing the things you want in life with out being held back by anyone else.

    You want someone that is going to support your endeavors, be happy for you, and proud of you. It takes a couple tries, or sufficient Communication that benefits the both of you by the end of the conversation. I truly hope everything works out for you and that you and your Boyfriend both come to some happy agreement, if not, then I hope you can get most acquainted with you. :)

    Fijo<3
     
    • Like Like x 1
  4. Thank you so much hun! <3 I will be truthful I never really say it as a controlling sort of thing until you pointed it out though... :\
    *hugs back*
     
  5. Well it just kinda sounded that way to me. Because you could go through with it if you wanted to. He can't tell you what you can and can't do. I'm not saying it's necessarily controlling, I'm just telling you to take a step back and look at it all. My ex used to almost guilt me into doing things. He'd say things like "I have to get a job right once I finish High school or my parents are gonna kick me out" and "Can I stay with you if that happens? I'm really scared." And looking back on it...it pisses me off. But without knowing what you both are like together, I can't say that it is or isn't controlling, just don't let him decide what you can and can't do.
     
  6. Hello Fijo! <3
    Thank you for your kind words and all your advice, you were very insightful and helped me understand and realize things that I hadn't realized were there.

    Though when we first stated dating it was a long distance relationship... Him and my best friend convinced me to move to my dads so I wasn't near my mom and aloud us to have a more bigger basis of when we saw each other... Though what you said about changing, I think is what I think made me start to realize I have changed and so is he. It just hits me hard, he helped me get through leaving my mom's house and into the unknown... I will keep you advice in mind. <3
     
  7. You know what though? I think your right... I might have realized it sooner had I been able to step back and think about everything but I wasn't. Either way I think if he pulls anything like those few scenarios I listed I will talk to him about our relationship dynamics, I don't care if he gets mad I want to be treated right...
     
  8. Damn right sister! You outghta be treated good just like anyone else! It's all about the communication, not just what you say, but how you say it and how you communicate ^.^ If you need someone to talk to I'm here to talk as well!
     
  9. Thank you again, and I will most defiantly keep your offer in mind. <3
     
    • Like Like x 1
  10. Hello Cyrine,

    I have read everything that has been posted and I did notice that almost all of it was from girls perspective. I am not going to be rude, however I do personally see this as a slightly biased discussion. I am here, to tell you what he is experiencing. I have had to deal with this myself, except in the guys point of view. It is exactly as you had said.

    I know that this is a late post and you have probably sorted it all out by now, however I thought I would share my opinion as well. I did notice that you are single which means that you have broken up with him. This is for the best, even though I said I was going to make it un-biased. Saying this, ending the relationship was the best thing. Nobody, not you, not me. No one deserves to be treated this way.

    As Fijo said, "you are young." There will be many difficult times ahead of you, in school, in work, at home. This will always be, for you and your partner now, and the person that you end up marrying. You have probably also heard this allot from the people around you "It will get easier!" It is true, things will get easier as you get a bit older. My parents tell me that almost every day.

    It is good that you have a hobby to release stress. Even if it is text-based Role-Play. Many younger people can confide in the characters they create. This is also seen allot in video games. A reason young males (and even older males, my dad - 43) play them allot, because it is simplistic and is great for relaxing.

    During work, allot of stress is built up in the body, especially with manual work, such as a builder. This creates tension in a mans body. If this tension is not released, it will become a mental stress. When my dad used to get home from work, my mum would lay him down and massage him (Nothing sexual.) as this helped release the tension he had built up over the day.

    But even with this, stress will still get to him. This also causes us males to go into what I call "Caveman mode." This is were we go back to our primal nature. We release stress the best way we can, either punching something as hard as we can. If we do not have anything around us, it makes us very angry. This causes us to become a donkey on the edge and certain things cause us to yell or fight with the people around us, even the ones we hold most dear.

    Saying this, he knows that you struggled with your anger, and it is not fair on you to have him beat down on you, as this also causes you to want to destroy those impressive seven months you have kept control. He should have been releasing himself physically at the gym like I now do, or join a boxing club. A man should never take his anger out on his love.

    I am glad that your relationship with him ended, as it would have only gotten worse. If he couldn't control himself over a small thing, eventually he would have probably started to physically abuse you. It sounds as if he was also quite a manipulative boyfriend, this is something to stay clear of at all costs.

    I am not going to blame you for this, however at your age it. "Boys" referring to him as I do not think I could classify him as a man, even if he was 18. But allot of sexual tension builds up. We need to release this, usually, jerking off can do the trick. However, in this modern day and age. Many guys expect sex if they are in a relationship. It is good that you said that you wasn't going to early on. If you kept to it, then you are a strong woman.

    This leads me to my next point, another reason he may have been getting mad is because he feels guilty of something he has done. In this case I am referring to him cheating on you, and probably having sex with another girl as you were not giving it to him. I do not want to make you feel bad, but I have been around to see this happen many time. (Also is isn't weird that you can "Sext" is the word I believe used. I know many virgins who do.)

    Another reason I will not refer to him as a man, because a man will put the needs of his love before himself. No matter what the cost is.

    Anyway, sorry. I feel like writing this I have been recycling what both Fijo and Luna had already written. That, or I have possibly upset you, a thing that I never meant to have done.
    I hope that you are okay and that you get better soon. If you want to talk more, please drop me a message, I am around allot.
    Stay safe and keep looking forward love. *Huggles Quickly to cheer you up.*
    Demon~
    xxxxx
     
    • Like Like x 1
  11. Your worries are fine, he might be an arse but he would never cheat on me. i told him if he did he would have a nice pair of cement shoes, though feeling guilty is prolly because we didn't do a lot together this summer. We are still friends/frenimies even though we broke up... We finally talked today for about three hours and we both have come to terms with no dating each other.

    Truthfully I did try to see it from his side, not always working, and I would let him have his 'calm down' time(Steam Gaming time more like). But I also didn't try to make amends, instead ignoring the problem we went on break... Either way it is all worked out now but, thank you, thank you, thank you for taking time to write this! It means a lot to me that a random guy would be willing to explain how the male-brains work... Which I will never understand... x.x

    Also thank you for the 'strong woman' compliment it means a lot because my own father does not believe I could say no for a year and three months. But I made a promise to myself and if I let myself down... How can I even look at myself? But its also because I have very bad trust issues as stated before and... I see sex as fully submitting to someone and showing them everything about you with no mask on. And truthfully it scares me, now matter how stupid that sounds.

    *Hugs back quickly* Really, truly, thank you so much Demon I appreciate this more than you may ever realize and I hope you find your way well in this crazy world! <3

    - Comnia Vincit Amor
    - Love Conquers All
     
  12. We have a very similar relationship in certain areas then. I could never understand some parts of the female brain.
    Also, I see that you wear your mask allot, as I too used to and still do at some times.
    I am glad that I got a smile from you at the least. That is all I was trying to do.

    I would like to talk to you some more, so could I possibly message you privately?
    Hope to hear from you soon.
    xx
     
  13. i read this thread and think to myself

    " just wait until marriage. then the adventure really begins."
     
  14. Oh my god... I think I almost just died laughing... ROFL
     
  15. Lol, of course! No need to fret I am open to you messaging me! I really enjoy talking to you, its nice to speak with someone who actually tries to explain things properly; if that makes any sense... Feel free to shoot me a message at any time Demon, though with all the homework I have from school I can't guarantee how fast I can reply... :/
     
  16. First, I must start by saying I really, really, really hope you didn't quit your job for this guy. If you didn't - you definitely shouldn't. If you did - I hope you learned something from it and never ever do that again. Secondly, without even reading your whole post, (even though I did read it) I could tell you that you are stressed out and unhappy. Throughout your entire post you mentioned all these things wrong with your relationship, but nowhere in it did I see anything positive. I didn't see any "other side" that is pulling you back and forth to make a decision. Therefore, don't you think you truly know deep down what you need to do?

    You are clearly a bright girl, and I have a feeling you know you can do better than that. Also, I hate to be "that person" defending your parents, but there's probably a reason they don't like the kid... and I get the feeling you're starting to see it too.

    Life is way to short to be stressed out and unhappy. Make the most out of what you got ;). You'll live longer that way!