Asmo vs the Family

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From: "denise stracey" <[email protected]>
To: "greg corcoran" <[email protected]>

I feel compelled Greg ,to give you some insight and observations of Sat 5th June, when you walked out of my son's wedding .Your Mum arrived ,with joy and excitement saying "We have been looking forward to this for months" She was looking forward to the opportunity of sharing with those closest to her an event full of love and hope . She was looking forward to a bit of fun and laughter in her life . She was looking forward to seeing you ,her much loved son .She was looking forward to spending time with those who care ! Despite her sustained effort she left bereft ,saddened and anxious . It was because of you . In that gathering of excetionally bright people there were many that had experienced profound loss in their lives ... all of them different , all dealt with ,or not , in idiosyncratic ways . For the sake of friendship ,family, compassion , understanding and love, they put their loss aside and stepped into the affirmation of a life enhancing experience . They moved beyond their own grief or sad experience and shared . They took the hand of friendship and returned the life force . I think that your behaviour was totally unacceptable and self indulgent . This view is shared by the family . It does not matter to your cousins if you behave in this way . It does not affect their lives .They are astute ,comprehending and have done their part and will continue to extend . Its time you did .!It does matter to your mum ,Ross your Dad your Nan . They are upset , embarrassed ,but most of all disgusted by your lack of care and compassion . Your actions were selfish and inexcusable and I am saddened that you have continued on this path. Its time for you to learn to give ! If you are angry get some help . This needs sorting . Alex is dead . Maurice is dead . They are part of our lives . We must all live our lives and be blessed by the joy they gave . Incidentally the anniversary of Maurices death was June 5th and his favourite song played at his funeral and inadvertently selected by Rory to play at his wedding was "imagine " Bernice commented on it being spooky but we smiled with the love of his memory ........ if you want to talk I am here . If you want to fume and seek sycophantic reassurance you are choosing to stay stuck . Your Aunty .... Denise

From: "greg corcoran" <[email protected]>
To: "denise stracey" <[email protected]>

Well, you may interpret this as "self-indulgent", but I did what I did in order to affirm myself. It was the one honest thing I could do, because speaking my mind or acting my heart would only get me more blank stares and nervous uncertainty. No one there really knew who I was. My mum wants me to be like my cousins. And eveyone else assumes I need to be paired up with the nearest available girl. They either try to "fix" me or "ignore" me, and I've wasted too much of my life trying to fit into other people's moulds. I've found in Cornwall a life that I want, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me see it. But that life has light and darkness in it, and I want the freedom to walk away from a wedding and defy the expectations of my family. So I'm neither proud nor sorry, and I'll embrace the consequences of that.

From: "greg corcoran" <[email protected]>
To: "Janet Corcoran" <[email protected]>

Okay, here's how I see it.

All four of us have found ways to cope. We've modified our realities and created monologues to live by.

Most of the time, these worlds exist in harmony. But sometimes they clash.

This was one of those times. It had nothing to do with insulting anyone or snubbing the wedding. I did it because I was drowning. Too much expectation, too many blank stares, too much match-making pressure from Denise, too many people wanting me to be like my cousins.

Walking out was the most honest thing I could achieve. Trying to explain how I was feeling, trying to speak my mind or trying to act my heart was impossible in that setting.

I've seen a life that I want for myself, and it's a life of light and darkness, where I can walk out of weddings and defy expectations.

You may call it selfish. But I've wasted too many years trying to fit into other people's moulds. So I'm neither proud nor sorry, and no love has been lost.

So where do we go from here?
Rough, no two ways about it, bu I can relate. Family politics are not good for anyone and thats just what it boils down to. People trying to force their own idea of that they want onto others, where guilt and love become tools to get their way. My parents moved to escape it, I'm going to. They should be more concerned about your happiness than getting their way and I'm behind you on this one.
Things like this are why I'm on the opposite side of the planet from my family.
Hrmm...I don't really care much for my family on either side to be honest, so I don't go out of my way to please them for much the same reasons. I've had a few try to pair me up with random girls and it wasn't that useful to me seeing as I don't know these people well enough to say "OMG, YOU ARE SO GOOD FOR ME." I think you handled yourself maturely and that's what counts the most.
As long as you didn't like, throw down your toast glass and yell "WHAT IS A MARRIAGE? NOTHING BUT A MISERABLE PILE OF VOWSSECRETS. BUT ENOUGH TALK---" *walks out*

Unless you flipped a shit while walking out, I don't really see what the problem is. *KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT WEDDINGS & HAS NEVER BEEN TO ONE*
Asmo, what you did there was very mature, and personally I salute you for it. While I'll never know the exact reasons that you did that, I believe I can begin to understand the feeling of being smothered with all these expectations, and demands that stem from other people's wishes "of" you, and not their wishes "for" you.
I'm not going to say what you did was right or wrong, because I'm not in your pocket, so I don't know what happened.

Unfortunately, what the others say is right: nearly every family will try to push their views upon you, just like the rest of the world. Unlike the rest of the world, however, you have a blood connection with these people to deal with (or not) as you see fit. That tends to complicate things.

In these situations, the only thing you can do is what you think is best for your own mental health-either by staying in a situation or removing yourself, either way the key is to handle it gracefully. It seems that you did that in your leaving and your response to your aunt and mother. Which could not have been easy, because that email was full of some passive-aggressive, guilt-laden accusations (no disrespect to your family intended). Kudos to you for being a functioning adult.

And trying to introduce you to 'a nice girl' can easily become obnoxious and stressful very, very quickly. That is a very personal thing, and for that alone gives you the right to remove yourself from a scene.

I'll skip the boring details, but it took me a long time before I could go home and visit my family without bursting into tears the moment I had some privacy. After I learned to stand up for myself and assert that yes, the life I lead now is very fulfilling and I don't want to come back, things started to smooth over and people started to accept. And hey, I look forward to visiting them, now. Those that continued to remind me just how big a disappointment I was, no matter how civil I was to them-well, I just plain don't talk to them anymore.

So maybe your family just needs some time to get used to your lifestyle, and the fact that you are asserting yourself as an adult. They have their own closet full of ghosts that no doubt haunt them, and people do tend to project their insecurities on others, so maybe this might not be so much about you as them having to come to grips with a new phase in life.

Either way, hope things work out for you and as long as you're happy with yourself now, who gives a damn?
More metaphors from aunty... o__o

From: "denise stracey" <[email protected]>
To: "greg corcoran" <[email protected]>

Thankyou for your very honest reply Greg. Dispite my message to you I do comprehend where you are coming from and your need to persue a very different direction . Perhaps this is the only way that you can achieve a state of welbeing and find your place in this crazy world ! If that is the case try and soften it a bit for your mum . She is a good woman ,unable to come to terms with loss and as a consequence was perhaps limited in her ability to support an eleven year old child who suffered as you did . There is no blame here . It just is . You have repotted and need a space to grow .Just remember your lineage and know that whenever you need it your family is here and the love remains . I have acted because I care and that is on going x
I don't think there's much left to say. Most of us are either avoidant or separate - mentally, emotionally, or physically - from our families. That's simple fact. Our reasons can be similar or different, but we're still in our respective positions. What is a family, really?

I want to say that this place is familial in the pure sense of the word. We all vent here, and there's always support to be had. Hey, even I keep coming back. =P

Asmo, if its any consolation, I'd like to say you are the most adult of us all. I respect you, and your prose, deeply. Perhaps, one of these days, I'll be able to solidly plant my footing as well as your's. Keep on truckin'.
Hmm... I have to go back home today for an old friend's stag party.

My mum has not answered my email... I think she wants a face-to-face emotional blackmail session.

This is gonna hurt.

*begins 9-hour drive*
Just remember Asmo. 7 out of 10 attacks come from the rear... let none walk behind you.
Been there, done that. >:[ Been kicked out of the family a dozen times.

....I didn't handle it quite as gracefully though. c___c Fights with my family come with a lot of curse words, slappin' and potential surprise gun fights! Last fight I had with my mother I called her a selfish lazy cunt and that the only reason I hadn't left Georgia before then was cause I hated to leave my brother alone with her. Thankfully all of that is over now. :D Just my grandmother is left with her 'fun' conversations about wanting grandchildren and thinking I have attitude problems cause I cannot be controlled like a good puppet.

So here's to long civil talks with your family, and no bloodshed. >:D
Well, my mum forgave me. My dad ignored me. And my brother said a lot of panicky stuff while I had a mouth full of toothpaste.

It was all very English.
It's a bit harsh to chide you in such a manner without attempting to understand first where you were coming from. Personally, I think her behavior borders on unacceptable towards you. You aren't a child anymore and I don't think you deserve to be lectured as one.

Everyone copes in their own way...