An Open Letter to my Ex

[Temet Nosce]

I've never been one to exaggerate, but I honestly think I've been dead for nearly two and a half years now. I can't say I'm alive; I just feel like I exist. I've pushed away everyone that has ever gotten too close to me, and I can't really say I'm changing anytime soon.

I'm way too young to be saying this, but I feel like I've lived enough for ten people. I know what love is . I know how it feels to get drunk in the rain and wake up somewhere new. I know how it is to lose family and friends who have became part of your family.

I've been a bully, and I've been bullied. I've manipulated people, ruined friendships, and stolen from friends for no real reason other than I was a natural at it. I've broken plenty of girl's hearts, and usually without explanation after I told them I 'love' them. I've made my father break down, albeit all is fair in love in war and the divorce was most certainly war, and I can't say he has been the same man since. I don't even feel bad for it. I only have one regret and it's entirely selfish.

My only regret is that I did not drive to her house the day she left me.
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Every kiss I've stolen since then has felt disgusting, and I feel the need to wipe my mouth. It hurts my stomach to even think of my current girlfriend. I don't know if it was love or obsession and at this point I'm not even sure if there is a clear difference between the two. I just know I haven't cared about myself since then. I'm not suicidal though.

I just ride fast, and usually without a helmet when I'm too lazy to be bothered. I just walk in the rain without an umbrella since I really don't care if I get sick. I just type my feelings into print since it's the only thing that I have left that brings me a modicum of solace.

Even if she was to read this somehow, and even moreso decided to come back, I'm not sure anything will ever compare to the past I remember. I've tried to make the best of it, but in the end it didn't really mean much. I'll always yearn for a simpler time when her smile was the sun of my world.

 

[Kestrel]

II know how it feels to get drunk in the rain and wake up somewhere new.

I once woke up in a different city than the one I got drunk in. Funny story, that one.

This post gives me a general sense of detachment and weariness. You say you're not suicidal, but you do exhibit a lack of concern for your own safety and health AKA a certain disregard for your own life despite not actively trying to end it. It's good you're trying to express yourself, but I think you will probably have to dig deeper because, with all due respect, this is pretty surface stuff. The thing about people who are good at manipulating others is that, we're also really good at manipulating our selves. Sometimes you have to just sit down, possibly with a bottle of Jack Daniels (if anyone asks I didn't tell you that) and not only write down your mind but also question yourself at every line. Ask 'why' a lot, both before and after the inevitable hangover. The moment you feel something like "Fuck this shit." or any other kind of resistance, that's when you keep pushing through. Be a stubborn fuck about it. Write down your answers, as raw as you can. Keep your notes, try to gain an understanding. Also try to analyse where you're bullshitting yourself, 'cause, y'know, if you're anything like me you're probably going to do that at one point or another.

Secondly. Conventional as it may seem, I've learned outside sources are terrible foundations for happiness. Drinking and empty relations are like painkillers; you fight the symptoms, not the disease. Now before I go sit in the shame-corner for using that awful, awful cliché, one thing I can wholeheartedly recommend is physical exercise. Numb your mind, work out. Work out hard. Yoga and meditation are also good. Try looking into what you can do. I don't know what makes you happy, but these will at least be a good start. They're good ways to stop thinking for a while and having a healthier body promotes a healthier mind.

Lastly, stop focusing on what could've been. This one is hard, I know. I know so hard. I don't know to what extent you have to internally deal with this, but whatever the case don't get stuck in an endless spiral of 'what if' because you'll cut yourself off from a way forward. Whether you realise it or not, making these thoughts and feelings public is a sign of wanting to move forward or be pulled out of your current situation. Understand that this is a way of reaching out. There's at least part of you that wants to live.

 

[Hope]

As this post is labeled as rant I won't attempt to give any sort of advice, though Kestrel offered a great bit of it himself. I agree with his methods. However, I have a feeling that having read your post, you know what you would need to do to pull yourself out of this funk. I don't think you're suicidal. I think you're feeling sorry for yourself. You said that you don't think it could ever be the same even if you had gotten back together with her. So my only bit of advice would be to let it go. Work on yourself and making yourself happy because clearly you are not at this time. Some people like the misery, and if you do then all the power to you. If not, then I have every confidence in you to be able to make the changes necessary. I wish the best for you in your efforts (or lack thereof if that is the case.)