I've never been one to exaggerate, but I honestly think I've been dead for nearly two and a half years now. I can't say I'm alive; I just feel like I exist. I've pushed away everyone that has ever gotten too close to me, and I can't really say I'm changing anytime soon. I'm way too young to be saying this, but I feel like I've lived enough for ten people. I know what love is . I know how it feels to get drunk in the rain and wake up somewhere new. I know how it is to lose family and friends who have became part of your family. I've been a bully, and I've been bullied. I've manipulated people, ruined friendships, and stolen from friends for no real reason other than I was a natural at it. I've broken plenty of girl's hearts, and usually without explanation after I told them I 'love' them. I've made my father break down, albeit all is fair in love in war and the divorce was most certainly war, and I can't say he has been the same man since. I don't even feel bad for it. I only have one regret and it's entirely selfish. My only regret is that I did not drive to her house the day she left me. Every kiss I've stolen since then has felt disgusting, and I feel the need to wipe my mouth. It hurts my stomach to even think of my current girlfriend. I don't know if it was love or obsession and at this point I'm not even sure if there is a clear difference between the two. I just know I haven't cared about myself since then. I'm not suicidal though. I just ride fast, and usually without a helmet when I'm too lazy to be bothered. I just walk in the rain without an umbrella since I really don't care if I get sick. I just type my feelings into print since it's the only thing that I have left that brings me a modicum of solace. Even if she was to read this somehow, and even moreso decided to come back, I'm not sure anything will ever compare to the past I remember. I've tried to make the best of it, but in the end it didn't really mean much. I'll always yearn for a simpler time when her smile was the sun of my world.