Am I being too clingy?

[Minibit]

We don't fight, and we still live together and such, but he gets straight onto his computer after work every day and stays on it playing games with his friends online til bedtime, every day. His friend stays over for days at a time (up to a week) every weekend (his only days off) and they play games together.

If I want him to look at me for more than five seconds I have to either take my shirt off or schedule an appointment. Which, to clarify, means he's usually into a part of his game or activity where he's busy for a while, so just coming up and saying "hey, wanna watch a movie/make dinner with me/play Graces?" will usually result in a "uhh... maybe in a bit? I'm busy." Wait a bit, he's forgotten and is busy again. Never mind.

We don't even eat dinner together, I sit at the table and he brings his food to his computer desk. When I ask him if we can eat together it just ends up being a meal of awkward silence or me trying to carry the conversation without babbling.

It's starting to make me bitter. I don't think this is clingy, I think anyone would start to feel neglected. I don't want to spend every waking minute together, at this point I'd just like to do something - anything - maybe once a week without being on phone or computer the whole time. That he only wants to hold me when we're trying to sleep or he wants to get it on makes me feel like that's all I'm worth; especially because there are times I want to give in just to do SOMETHING together. It's been forever since I even got more than a one-word answer to 'how was your day?'. If I press for more 'just good?' 'Anything interesting happen?' it gets dismissed. He doesn't want to tell me about his career plans or dreams for the future or anything; "It's all up in the air right now" sure, nothing's concrete, but if you can't share your dreams with your girlfriend you have some problems there, buddy. If this was when we first started dating and not two years into a relationship I'd be getting 'he's not into me' vibes.

I don't want to take him away from his friends

I don't want to start a fight or sound like I think he's a negligent person

I DEFINITELY don't want to use the phrase "You're not paying enough attention to me!" because I don't want to sound like a spoiled child.


Every time I think I'll confront him about how we need to spend more time together, and how being "more than friends" means that person gets equal or greater priority for your time and attention, I wuss out and tell myself it's not as bad as I think and I'm overreacting. I mean, we DID watch TV together the other day (he was having background sound while on his game and I was on the couch in the same room, but close enough, right?) and he DID make dinner for me before that (by which I mean he made dinner on the weekend for everybody, so him, me, and his friend. We didn't sit at the table or even in the living room together to eat it). Good enough.

He broke up with his ex because 1) she cheated on him 2) she was emotionally unstable and 3) she was too clingy/jealous

I guess that's why I'm afraid to confront him about feeling ignored and jealous. After two years I shouldn't have anxieties about talking to him about anything.

I still love him, but I'm just not getting anything from the other side. The last time we went out was Jan 2nd (we were gonna go out on newyears day, he had a headache from the night before. WE did not spend new years eve together, I went to my family and he went drinking with his friend.) and I spent my birthday money taking him out to a nice dinner; he was on his phone 90% of the time and when we got home he went straight to his computer.

I don't know what to do anymore. I had a dream last night we broke up. It was very realistic and I was crying when I woke up. I feel like I'm still in the same dream, I've just had a peek at the ending.


This post is emo as all hell but fuck it; typing all that out felt a LITTLE better, what would be a real save would be to actually fix all this without a big fight/making him look like the bad guy. He's a good guy, I don't think he realises how I feel about all this, and I don't know how to tell him.

 

[GreenLady]

Woah, woah.

1. Girl...something is wrong here. And its NOT YOU!

Obviously, he is a selfish guy that doesn't want to put into the relationship. I think you need to tell him how you feel. Yes, it is hard...especially when you don't know what their reaction is going to be. So I guess the question you should ask yourself is:
Do I want to tell him how I feel and let come what may? Or would I rather keep living this dream where I feel I know the ending?

Don't get me wrong. It will be especially difficult. I can tell just from what you are telling me and the way you are telling is that you are not a clingy person by nature. You are insecure and unsure of how to approach such a situation like this. In fact, I would venture to guess that you are submissive in nature and that's why you can't really tell him how you feel.

I don't think that your post is emo, I just think you need to sit down and insist on a chat with him about how you feel.
Hope this helps.

 

[ShirubaDangan]

I completely agree with RangerKay.

It isn't your fault and he should devote more time to you. If he refuses to do that than he does not deserve your love. He should enjoy your presence and while yes at times you might both need to do things alone but it sounds much more like he is having his own time without having you involved in it.

As the person stated above, you should talk to him. It is difficult but you will get a definite answer if you ask him. He may say that you are asking for to much or that you are clingy but if he is not satisfying your needs in a relationship, then I believe you must end it and look for another. I know that must sound hard if you truly have feelings for him but both sides need to be satisfied for a good relationship to work. If only one side is getting satisfied it will only result in stressed relations.

Hope things go well but don't be afraid to tell him how you feel or move on. We have plenty of people on this planet and it is always nice to make new friends.

 

[Zen]

>.>

You need to bring up to how you feel, no matter how afraid you might of the situation. Communication is key to a good relationship. I doubt you will sound clingy about bringing it up to him so long as you do it in a calm and meaningful manner. Let him know that the amount of time he spends with his friends over you is hurting you. I honestly don't think you are being clingy at all. Asking to eat at the table together or watching T.V. together - without him playing his game - is not a lot to ask. (And seriously... You need to bonk him next time he has his game on when the both of you are supposed to spend quality time together. That's extremely rude.)

Don't think this post is emo, it most certainly isn't. All you are asking of your boyfriend is to spend some time together, and it sounds like he's not getting that memo. If he's not gonna put forth the effort to be with you, he's not worth it.

 

[Super Cat]

I agree with Zen and RangerKay.

Unless you are hiding some stuff from us you aren't clingy, at least not anymore clingy than the average human being. I don't have any new points to add either, I just wanted to agree with them so that you don't feel like you are wrong for what you feel and desire. Also like Zen said this post is definitely not emo. I think pretty much anyone would feel the same as you in a situation such as that.

 

[Asmodeus]

I have sometimes acted the same as your boyfriend during relationships. I come home and I get straight into my fantasy world. I don't want to be asked about my day because I don't want to be reminded of how much I DIDN'T achieve. I don't want to spend too much time in conversation with my girlfriend because it may reveal how little we have to say to one another, or how we're avoiding certain things, or how much she wants me to be a different person. It's better just to drown yourself in a monitor screen and not face such topics, with just a round of sex or cuddling to show that you still care.

I don't think your boyfriend's a twat. He just sounds like he's depressed and is burying his head. He probably feels your expectations, and these are adding to his own and causing him stress. He wants to change his life, but can't work out how.

I've done the same, and the only thing that breaks me out of it is something good happening in real life, or someone giving me a stern talking to. The gamer rut, the internet rut - these are parts of modern life now, and they don't mean that your relationship is at an end. It just means that some new energy needs to be injected.

So, either give him the ultimatum, or propose something daring. The whole thing needs a shake up.

 

[Fluffy]

Most people seem to have covered it pretty well.

I'll say though that I understand. I once dated somebody who would spend all his time on the computer until bedtime and to get his attention, I had to nag him. Like quite a few here have suggested, I pulled him aside and talked to him. Told him we need to spend time with each other outside of the digital world or else I'd hide his keyboard or something. >__>;

You deserve some attention too. Have that talk. It's no good for his behavior to be making you feel bad about yourself. I hope for the best! It really does say a lot when a gamer is willing to put his games on pause for his girl. It's so very important that he makes time for you and makes YOU the priority. Sometimes guys need to be reminded of that.

Also, you're not too clingy. I'm pretty sure you're not, anyway. You said yourself you want to let him spend time with his buddies! :3 That claim itself shows how selfless you are. Trust me girl, I've seen some women who just don't want to share their men ever. That is clingeh.

 

[Minibit]

Thanks everyone, I knew I needed to talk to him, but I needed someone who wasn't me or my mom to tell me I'm not the problem.

my problem is I don't know how to address this without making him feel like a jerk. Like I said before, I know he's not doing this maliciously, but I'm not the best at communicating IRL to start with, and this is a touchy subject.

Asmodeus, your post made a lot of sense: he's recently had to put his career/education plans on hold, and the reality of how long and hard it's gonna be to get there is really hitting home as we're both struggling financially, working full time just to make the bills and pay off debts. He's been fired from several entry-level jobs in his field in the past year, and was straight-up unemployed for a while too, and being told three times by different people that you're not cut out for your dream job isn't really morale-boosting thing is though, is I want to help! I want him to be able to vent to me, to trust me enough to know I won't think any less of him for what he does for work or how much money he makes (we started going our when he was a pizza guy for cripes sake: job has never mattered.) I want to cheer him up, or at least listen to his troubles, but I can't do that with his headset always on.

Again, I know I need to confront him, but I don't want to make him feel bad, so I'm not sure how to do it.

 

[October Knight]

I don't really know what advice to give that hasn't already been posted.

I would say that if you two are madly, seriously and passionately in love then something should be done. A change, a break to make you both realize that there needs to be some sort of change.

Like Asmo said, I never really want to talk in detail about my day. Most of the time, when it's over I just want to forget it existed > < So I wouldn't take him being short about that particular line of question too seriously.

But yeah, you sound unhappy, change is a good thing. Keeps life fresh.

 

[Moonlit Blade]

Putting your future on hold can be difficult indeed. In fact, it could be that he's very well depressed, and so he uses his gaming to distract himself from it. However, that does NOT mean he has an excuse to neglect you. In fact, he should be spending plenty of time with you. It seems to me that you'll care about him regardless of what happens with him career-wise, and that is something someone should hold on to. You say you don't want him to feel like a jerk, but sometimes someone needs to see the reality of their mistakes. I had a "friend" who was very similar, actually. He treated his girlfriend with indifference, sat around playing video games all day, didn't pay attention to her, used her money to buy video games, and couldn't be bothered to try and make her happy. And she was miserable. She was a good friend of mine, and I could tell that she was only making excuses for him.

What changed was that she was going to break up with him, and he was forced to realize he had a shitty attitude. Last I heard, he was a bit better, but he was still kind of a jackass. Now, I'm not telling you to threaten to break up with him or anything, but sometimes someone needs to be told how they're acting without it being sugarcoated. You are not being clingy. Rather, you're very accommodating to the point where it's hurting you. Effort in a relationship must always be a two-way street, and if his idea of quality time with you is just sex or something of that nature, then he needs to reevaluate his priorities. It's great that he didn't leave his friends behind for his girlfriend (always sad when someone does that), but the way he is now, it seems like, to him, your worth is only for food and of the physical nature.

Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Just because he broke up with his ex for being "too clingy/needy" doesn't mean he gets to call you clingy or needy for wanting attention. Actually, you DO need to tell him, "You're not paying enough attention to me!" because that's exactly what is happening. You're not a spoiled child for craving the attention of someone you love. All humans crave it. If he tells you you're clingy, then just ask him what it was he did when he got home the night before. And the night before that. And the night before THAT. If he doesn't want to talk about his day, then that's his choice. But he can't associate you with the life he hates. Don't talk about your situation. Tell him you want to watch TV together. Or play games together, if you play video games. But he needs to know that if he doesn't put more into this relationship, then he isn't meeting your needs, and that is NEVER okay. If he didn't spend time with you that day at all, and he suddenly wants to get intimate, you don't have to do it simply because he wants it and you need the attention. Tell him no. Or you aren't up to it. Or you're just not in a good mood. If he doesn't change something, then you need to. I can understand why you're reluctant to. You don't want to ruin your relationship. But you have two options. Either try to change something/talk to him and possibly make everything better, or let things stay as they are and let it all spiral downwards.

 

[Mid]

Make some coffee and sit down with him before he gets into anything. It's common ground and it's not distracting. Explain that as of late, you've been feeling very lonely, you love him and you want to work on strengthening the relationship. Men do like to be spoken too, they just don't often find themselves able to start these conversations themselves, usually.

Explain that the friends being at your place thing needs to stop. Sure, maybe a day but not a week (I mean, unless they're going to start paying rent?) because that is taking time away from your relationship, your sanctuary, your time. My brother's friends would always stay with us for days, weeks and me and my mom would look at him like...you gotta get rid of them but he didn't want to be rude to them. This one girl stayed for four weeks (she was trying to move in with us -_-) wearing the same two outfits. Eventually my mom had enough and told her she had to go.

You should demand a date night once a week where there is no electronics, no friend visits, nothing but you and him. It doesn't have to be anything crazy red lobster dinners, I mean y'all can make your own dinners for each other, talk, walk or do some activity together.

At the end of the day, what you're feeling is perfectly normal and I speak from experience as I left a five year relationship due to reasons similar to this and more. So I hope you can speak to him and things work out. From what I've seen, you're a wonderful person and deserve happiness. Keep your head up!