Advice on Parents

E

Ekaetriana

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Original poster
This letter I wrote to my parents but never gave them explains it all. My parents simply do not like me, it seems. Their friendliness is conditional, and they have a strange delusion that I'm a bad person...? The faq. I'm hoping someone can tell me what they think I should do when my parents are like this. It isn't so bad, they seem to be rather bipolar, so at random moments they are happy...before getting upset.

It isn't like I'm abused in any way, I've got a pretty good life, but the insults and talking about me behind my back border on verbal abuse just because it hurts very badly that they refuse to acknowledge that I'm a good person and continue to think that I'm some sort of failure no matter what I do.

Dear Parents,

Whatever. I'm done trying to impress you. Looks like I'll never be good enough.

You like to say I have an attitude - I don't. My "attitude" is me trying to defend myself from your verbal slander. Honesty? Really? You're "just being honest?" You don't know what honesty really is. I lie on occasion but at least I know the definition better than you. Honesty means that you not only talk about someone's bad history or insult their habits but that you also give respect and acknowledge when I am doing something right, rather than letting my good traits and accomplishments go through one of your ears and out the other...pretending that my "bad" habits (some of which are falsely accused!) trump my good ones.

I'm the one who sits quietly and calmly. I'm the one who is reading or writing, not bothering anyone. I'm the one who gets the job done when asked without a lot of complaining. I'm the one who is trying to impress you with my devotion to get a job and go to college. I'm the one who would like to have a nice normal conversation with you. I am such the opposite of your typical teenager with an attitude, that it appalls me you would even claim I have an attitude. If you want to see a teen with an attitude, take a gander at the teens who are never at home, who smoke and drink, who fight with their parents, even hit their parents.

I do none of these things. You should consider yourself lucky that I am a minority...a calm, collected, thoughtful, intelligent young woman. I know you would have rather have had Andy or Justin or Vincent for a child, but I can guarantee you that 9/10 teens are rambunctious, out of control, don't care...and with the pressure placed on teen boys, they would have been that way. Yeah, I know, I'm talking pretty pompous. Yeah, I know, I just complimented myself. Why am I doing this? Because you'd never do it for me. If you refuse to compliment me without any strings attached, then I'll just compliment myself as relief from your verbal slander.

In your eyes I am lazy, messy, stupid, rebellious, thoughtless, self-centered. You are delusional. You haven't even seen these sort of things until you've had a modern teenager in your house. Take any one of my former classmates that you like to compare me to and try to live with them....you'd be in for a real shock. Compared to most nineteen-year-olds, I am incredibly responsible and intelligent. Everyone I have stayed with except for you says they enjoy having me around and that I'm a good girl.

You are the one with an attitude. You are the one who gets pissed off at the push of a button, you are the one determined to make me frown, you are the one who tries to make everything about you, you are the one who psychoanalyzes everything I do or say, and you are the one who needs a chill pill.

I can't fucking believe you would sit there and insult me about visiting my grandmother. "The only reason Katie goes to her grandma's is to get away from us, and complain about us!" FUCK YOU. I do not complain nearly as much as you do about me! And maybe I do go to get away from you because you won't stop it with the fucking insults, hm? I don't complain about my chores, or my college, or you like you seem to be delusional enough to think. I'm perfectly happy with the way things are, you are the one not happy with my success. My success doesn't matter to you.

Have you ever stopped to consider with your one-track-brain for just a moment that maybe I like to go see her because she's old and may die soon? That I want to spend as much time with her while I still can? Jesus Christ, I know I'm Hitler or something in your delusional eyes, but maybe you could consider, just a little, that your daughter is not nearly as bad as you think she is, in fact, your daughter is a good person who is successful, and she and others know it whether you recognize it or not.

- Your Daughter
 
honestly? That letter will get you into nothing but a bigger pile of shit.

If you want to openly communicate with your parents, you had better change your tone and how you word things. I get it, you're upset/angry/defensive. But going on the defensive and going out with guns blazing and teeth barred won't do you any good. I know, because I've tried this tactic with my own mother and failed. Miserably. Many, many times.

Try communicating in a more respectful, tone, displaying your concerns and letting them know. I had a blow up with my own father recently, and instead of going on the nasty, I took a breather and explained my end in a calm manner and listened to what he had to say. In the end, the fire was doused, and we're back on good grounds. If I had instead said "fuck you" and gone my merry way, things would have gone a far different path.

So basically, just sit them down and have a family meeting and tell them how their actions make you feel in a RESPECTFUL manner. Ask questions, and hopefully they'll ask questions, too. If they don't ask, then lay out the answers for them.
 
Thank you for the reply. I have sent you a message.

Just in case anyone else reads this, I had no intentions of giving the letter to my parents, and I never have and never will speak to them in the tone I wrote in. It isn't like me, as I stated in the letter, I never speak like that to them, and I don't think I could if I wanted to...it's just not my personality to yell and fight and cuss. I try to be very civil. : (
 
This sounds a lot like my family situation at home. -.- According to my mother, my little sister (who just turned 16) is an Angel in disguise while my brother and I are the Devil's spawn. Meanwhile my little sister is sending nude photos to her ex (who is in a relationship again) and basically anyone who wants one, flirting with EVERY guy who pays attention to her (and she is currently in a relationship as well), but now, my bro and I (who are also in relationships for longer than 1 year) haven't done shit to our partners like that, have not sent nude photos to random people, and haven't done anything bad besides drinking and my bro apparently smokes now.

I get where you are coming from and quite frankly, I have half a mind to speak that way to my Mum even though I know I could never actually do it.
 
No problem, I'll read it and responsd!

Sorry if I appeared gruff.
 
Sounds like your parents are really, really bored with their own problems. Bored enough to make a fuss at home over nothing. Bored enough that they feel they have to delude themselves into thinking - or at least appearing to think - that they have a terrible teenager at home who Must improve. That, and they have some pretty unreasonable expectations for you. Positive and negative.
My suggestion? Don't hold a grudge. Think on it, but don't wallow. When you're more calm about it, when you have time and the right atmosphere to tell them exactly how you feel about things as they were, then talk with them. But don't try to fix things when you're mad. Or when they're mad. I suggest, if you can, that you wait until you're mostly independent to do this. It may take a while, especially in this economy, but it will be worth the distance you can put between yourself and your parents to a) gain that time and place to talk, without needing to linger, and b) to leave them alone if things go south.
It's good to let this out.
 
Thanks for the reply.

I am trying my best. Now that I'm in school, they've eased up a bit but not all the way. I try to distance myself, but still be friendly.
 
Though I can't say I know what it's like to have parents treat you like this, or will I ever understand the meaning of what parents are supposed to be in a family situation, I can say this;

From what I have heard from friends, parents are frustrating. It isn't right how they treat you, I know what it's like to be treated as if you meant nothing, as if every other thing you say was a lie, and the talking behind your back. It hurts; really bad. But you've got to keep your head up and never let them get to you. maybe someday they will learn by your example of what it means to have humility and how to treat their daughter.

Hang in there.
 
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