First attempt in translating my writing.

[Angel Delacroix]

Hello, I'm a new member and as I said before in my introduction at NEW ARRIVALS & DEPARTURES I've never tried to Roleplay or to write a story in english. So, without further ado, here is my first attempt. Any comment, criticism, guidance is more than appreciated.

Nothing to Worry About​

It's almost dawn and I'm here thinking of you, once again.

I'm not gonna lie, it's sad that I'm acting like this. The way I see it (at least now) knowing "how to live" is being able to think of ourselves in a basic sense. Individually, after our own survival and benefit, with the head and not with the heart.

It's funny that I think this way now, ironic even if we remember that, probably, the reason why you noticed me, it was because you saw a "romantic person". someone who wanted to express himself, to rise above his bad experiences and become something more. Someone who was searching the meaning of his own life,while portraying himself out loud, as if he was some kind of protagonist who has just overcome some important feat. But now I'm just this, just another individual.

But the world is something like it, isn't it? Our studies, learnings, life experiences, all this pray to us to act consciously, so that we think of our own well-being. But then, all of us hear a romantic song and we fall for it, we feel identified in a "true love" story of someone who never forgets, who immortalizes his feelings as if he were a martyr. Pathetic.

I insist, it's sad that I'm once again thinking of you. But I'm not fool enough to think that I do because everything can have an important reason, at least not after all this years. I do it because it's easy, I did it all my life, it's been years since I accepted this deal. Give up happiness to never be sad again.

I have never find my way, and I'm sick of pretending that I'm still looking for it. Who I'm fooling at this point? It would be even sadder if I was still trying at this point. Who else is gonna suffer because I don't know how to live? Who I'm gonna drown with me this time? Yes, It might be ok to fail sometimes and sure, everyone will eventually understand. But I can't stand it anymore. Because for me, accepting that I am failing is not as easy as simply forgetting, and at this point I can't carry anything more. There is no room from someone else, for another memory.

Well, that just leaves us with the "two of us". Just the vestiges of what I used to be and the memory that I keep of you. And It could be. And it could not be another way. Not in this world, not even in my head. I don't even evoke the good memories. Every time I think of you it's just to fuel my conviction, so I don't feel any guilt for giving up. I'm just remembering who I am, who I chose to become.

So, for me to be thinking of you… yeah, it's is just a little slip, product of a moment of weakness.Insomnia has always made me melancholy, but I know whatever i say or do because of this is just bullshit. I don't need you anymore, not even words of comfort or being fooled to think that everything will be alright. I might be crying right now, just by thinking of you, but I know that tomorrow I'll not feel anything again. I just need it to be tomorrow so everything will be in its place.

A person can be broken, but it's like a messy room. As long as you know where everything is, there is no need for a change. And that's my reality, who I am, now I remember. There's no reason for me to fear the fact that there might be something wrong with me, not anymore.

Tomorrow is yet to come, and I know there is nothing either good or bad about it.​

Text in Spanish

Ya casi es el amanecer y yo estoy aquí pensando en tí, una vez más.

No voy a mentir, es triste que actúe así. De la manera en que yo lo veo (al menos ahora) saber vivir es poder pensar en nosotros en un sentido básico. De manera individual, en pos de nuestra supervivencia y bienestar, con la cabeza y no con el corazón.

Es chistoso que piense así ahora, irónico incluso si pensamos en el hecho de que, probablemente, la razón por la que te fijaste en mí fue porque viste una persona "romántica". Alguien que quería expresarse, forjarse por sobre sus malas experiencias y convertirse en algo más, una persona que buscaba el significado y en el proceso se ilustraba así mismo, hablando en voz alta, como si el protagonista de una importante proeza se tratase. Y ahora soy esto, sólo un individuo más.

Pero el mundo es así, ¿no es así? Los estudios, las enseñanzas, las experiencias de vida, todo esto nos reza que actuemos de manera consciente, que pensemos en nuestro bienestar. Pero luego todos escuchamos una canción romántica y nos sentimos identificados en el cuento de quién "amó de verdad", nunca olvida e inmortaliza sus sentimientos como una especie de martyr. Patético.

Insisto, es triste que piense en tí. Pero no soy iluso de pensar que lo hago porque todo guarda un significado importante, no después de tantos años. Lo hago porque es fácil, porque lo hice toda mi vida, porque hace años que acepté el último trato, renunciar a la felicidad para nunca volver sentir tristeza.

Nunca encontré mi camino y estoy harto de pretender que lo estoy buscando. ¿A quién voy a engañar a esta altura' De hecho, sería triste si lo intentase, ¿cuánta gente más ha de sufrir el hecho de que no sé vivir? ¿Por qué ahogaría a otros en mis pensamientos en voz alta, mis promesas? "No es la muerte de nadie" fallarse a uno mismo y sí, todos terminan por aceptar lo que ocurre, pero no quiero más peso en mi consciencia, porque para mí aceptar no es simplemente olvidar, y a esta altura ya estoy cargando demasiado. No hay espacio para nadie más, para otro recuerdo.

Bueno, eso nos deja sólo a "nosotros dos", haha. Más bien los vestigios de mi persona y el recuerdo que guardo de tí. Y no podría ser de otra manera. No hay mundo posible donde nuestras diferencias se concilien, en el que nuestras heridas sanen y podamos creer de vuelta en nosotros. Ni siquiera en mi cabeza, porque no evoco los buenos momentos, ni allí logro pensarme como alguien feliz. Cuando pienso en tí lo que hago es seguir alimentando mi convicción, para no sentir culpa de estar renunciado a ser alguien, sólo así puedo continuar adelante de esta manera.

Esto no es más que un pequeño desliz, producto de un momento de debilidad. El insomnio siempre sacó en mí mi rostro más melancólico, pero sé que lo que digo y pienso no son más que idioteces. Ahora podré estar llorando, evocando recuerdos dolorosos, pero sé que mañana no sentiré nada. No te necesito a tí, ni palabras de consuelo o pensar que todo estará bien. Sólo necesito que sea mañana y todo está en su lugar.

Una persona puede estar rota pero es como con un cuarto desordenado, mientras sepas dónde está todo, los días pueden pasar sin necesidad de un cambio. Y esa es mi realidad, ese soy yo. Por eso puedo conciliar el sueño, porque ya no siento vértigo al saber que "quizás" haya algo malo conmigo.

Mañana está por llegar, y no hay nada malo o bueno en ello.

Well, it's not a translation at a 1:1 rate. I changed a few things on the fly, mostly because I didn't know how to translate and make any sense out of it. I'll leave it here in case anyone wants to compare.

This is something I just wrote on the fly, just to see what something I translated would look like. Take it for what it is, if it smells and looks ugly don't be afraid to call it shit, I won't be mad :D

 

[foodforpigs]

I re-wrote my own version of the English translation you wrote, trying to keep its tone and purpose, though unavoidably, I put a part of my own thoughts into it, so take any changes within with scrutiny. (No translation from Spanish since I'm not familiar)

To get secondary concerns out of the way first, as to not distract from the main point of my critique.
* Irony is tricky to pin down, so if something is mentioned is ironic, double check it is as this can pull some readers out. In your story, it's called ironic that the narrator's unromantic philosophy ends a former relationship predicated on a belief that the narrator's philosophy was romantic. This isn't ironic. This is simply a consequent. It could be ironic if the narrator expected his change of philosophy to improve their relationship, when the opposite instead occurred.
* Semicolons can improve readability, particularly with "super lists". ex. The list of expectations the other expected the narrator to be in their relationship
* Some word choices or precision (cutting out 'filler words') or order of words, but might just be my preference also.

Primarily, I feel like the details need to be expanded upon more to elevate this work's quality. Again nothing major, and a bit difficult to explain, but generally readers want more. I tried to fill in a few things, but anything more than that I think would break the spirit of a critique
ex. "But the world is something like it, isn't it?" Like what? In my re-write I respond very minimally that it's unromantic, but certainly one could go further and explain how it's unromantic.
ex 2. The messy room metaphor can still work. I re-wrote it because it didn't work for me. Dive deep, I say.

my rewrite

I'm not gonna lie; it's sad that I'm acting like this. The way I see it, at least for now, knowing "how to live" involves thinking rationally as individuals driven by motives of survival and self-interest.

It's funny that I thought you'd appreciate me more now that I think this way, more rationally, considering the irony that, probably, the sole reason why you stayed in a relationship with me was because you saw me as a "romantic person"; someone who wanted to express himself, to rise above his bad experiences and become something more; someone who was searching for meaning in his own life; and someone who portrayed himself out loud, like a protagonist with an accolade of feats to his name. Now I'm just an unremarkable person to you.

The world is unromantic, isn't it? Our studies, learnings, life experiences, all lead for us to act purposefully and think of our own well-being above all else. Yet, when any of us hear a romantic song, we fall for it; we feel part of a "true love" story with a martyr who ignores their own feelings and puts all their focus and attention on us. It's pathetic.

I insist that it's sad that I'm once again thinking of you, but I'm not foolish enough, after all these years of reflection, to think it's because of any profound reason. I do it because it's easy. I did it all my life. It's been years since I accepted this deal with myself to give up happiness to never be sad again.

I have never found my way, and I'm sick of pretending that I'm still looking for it. Who am I fooling now? It would be even sadder if I was still trying. Who else is going to suffer because I don't know how to live? Who else must I drag down to drown with me in my despair? Yes, It might be ok to fail sometimes and sure, everyone will eventually understand, but I can't stand it anymore. Accepting that I am failing myself is not as trivial as forgetting, and at this point I can't carry on anymore.

There is no room for anyone else in my memories, which leaves just us. Just the vestiges of what I used to be and the memory that I keep of you. I think about what could've been, but those fantasies are not feasible in this world, or even in my imagination. I don't even recall the good memories. Every time I think of you it's just to fuel my conviction that it was worthwhile to give up on romantic notions, so I don't feel any guilt. I'm just remembering who I am and who I've chosen to become.

So, for me to be thinking of you, yeah, it's just a little slip, a lapse from my own momentary weakness. Insomnia has always made me
melancholic, but I know whatever I say or do because of these pervasive thoughts is just bullshit. I don't need you anymore, nor do I need empty platitudes meant to fool me into thinking that everything will be alright. I might be crying right now, just by thinking of you, but I know that by tomorrow I'll return to not feeling again. I just need it to be tomorrow so everything will be in its place.

A person's mind can shatter, scattering memories like glass shards in all directions. However, as long as you can account for everything, there is no need for change. There is stability in that. I no longer cut myself as often on the edges of those shards as I tread on calloused barefoot through the debris. I am steadfast. There's no reason for me to fear that there might be something wrong with me, not anymore.

Tomorrow is yet to come, and I know there is nothing either good or bad about it.

 

[Angel Delacroix]

Hey, hey foodforpigs. Thank you for joining me, your reply is most welcome :D

I've read your rewrite, I like it and I took some interesting details from it.

As for the points you made I must say:

When I'm writing I try to portrait and Introspective point of view, make it sound as "human" as possible. I know for fact that, even in Spanish, my way of expressing gets weird at times. I mostly write just to Roleplay and I tent to write as if it was the character thoughts in the moment. A part of the text can be seen expressed in a more correct, standard way, and sometimes I throw a sentence quite colloquial out of the blue. It might even get to the point of becoming a rant, in which the character is not even telling anything useful, just arguing with himself. We can argue that this might not do the deed any favors and it's just out of place.

I could've my fair share of odd habits because of mostly writting for RP, being that the RP experience focuses primarily on keeping the story and not on polishing the writing. Most people don't really judge how you write, they just like it or they don't. Improving as a writer is not the main goal.

The perfect example would be the thrid paragraph. I wasn't trying to say anything ironic, it was just the character considering the fact that his way of thinking now could be take as ironic regarding the fact that he was used to be seems as something else by the one he used to love. I tried to make some sense out of it while I was translating and i put it together as best I could, perhaps the phrase could only make sense in Spanish. And even then, as a said before, we can argue that sentence might not fit the rest of the text.

Then, the next paragraph (the one with the "But the world is something like it, isn't it?"). Once again, I tried to portrait how the character would said it, as if he were explaining himself. I understand that the execution is very poor.

It's funny that I think this way now, ironic even if we remember that, probably, the reason why you noticed me, it was because you saw a "romantic person".

The thing that might weird the most about this sentence is the fact that it is tries to ressemble something that could be said out loud, like some sort of realization of the moment.

I could've put "I think It's funny that I think this way, now." He is trying to contrast the fact that his new way of thinking (individual, survival, his actions not being ruled by feelings) its funny in regard of who we was before. And then with "ironic even if we remember that, probably, the reason why you noticed me, it was because you saw a "romantic person"., he tries to imply that, if we take in consideration how he was seen by his loved one, his new way of thinking wouldn't be just funny, but ironic instead (He is just making fun oh himself, his humour is just sadness covered.)

I've noted what you said about how to improve the work and I think you are right. I wrote it in the moment, trying not to stray too far from how I normally write. So it was not about it being a good thing on its own. But your criticism is more than welcome, it got me thinking about a couple of things.

Well, that'll be all for now, I guess. Thanks again for everything. I really hope I made some sense in this response, I'm double checking everything I'm trying to explain, but it wouldn't be too wild to guess that it is all still kinda confusing. I hope you don't mind

PD: "... "romantic person"; someone who wanted to express himself, to rise above his bad experiences and become something more; someone who was searching for meaning in his own life; and someone who portrayed himself out loud, ..." For some reason, since not so long ago I started avoiding to repeat any word when doing super list and I don't know why.

 

[foodforpigs]

In terms of being colloquial, yes, it should feel natural. I prefer preciseness, though. I think that's just a difference in our styles. I would still say what you originally wrote is good enough for roleplay. My suggestion (beyond the small things) to add details I'd say is still the most important to elevate the work. ex. I was thinking about the messy room metaphor. You could be more dramatic and say it's like a bedroom after horrific earthquake, or a house after a heavy hurricane or storm, and during the metaphor give peeks at the final confrontation before the breakup between the narrator and his former love. (ex. former love literally throws a vase) ie. Colloquial, but leaving the RP partner peeks and having them want more. ie. ie. what you wrote is interesting, but it can be elevated by expounding a few details to keep the RP partner hooked.

Much less urgent point on irony below.

I could've put "I think It's funny that I think this way, now." He is trying to contrast the fact that his new way of thinking (individual, survival, his actions not being ruled by feelings) its funny in regard of who we was before.

I agree with this, except I maintain the humor isn't from irony. (Maybe don't even mention irony at all?)

This only based on my understanding of definition, though. I'm not a writing expert.
irony
* a state of affairs or an event that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects and is often amusing as a result.

Some other forms I'd consider irony would be:
* I expected that you would love me no matter what because that is what I felt about you except that instead you left me suddenly because I was starting to see the world differently than before. (what I saw in my re-write)
* I expected that by being a "romantic person" you would stay by my side forever, but it turns out that that all my effort to be such a person to you is what caused you to break up with me.
* I expected that I would always be that "romantic person" you saw me as, except that in thinking that way, it prevented me from considering the possibility that I could start to think the way I do now. (maybe closer to what you mean?)
* I thought that accepting my new point of view and casting off the chains of a one-sided relationship would make me happier, but instead I suffer for it.

And then with "ironic even if we remember that, probably, the reason why you noticed me, it was because you saw a "romantic person"., he tries to imply that, if we take in consideration how he was seen by his loved one, his new way of thinking wouldn't be just funny, but ironic instead (He is just making fun oh himself, his humour is just sadness covered.)

I'm struggling with what you mean by this. True, there is a large contrast between what the narrator was then and what the narrator is now, and to realize that radical difference can be funny, but what was the previous expectation that was broken?

As for the last PD, you could probably cut the word "someone" everywhere in that list and it still would mean the same thing. Good catch.

I hope this helps still.