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writing romance
Introduction
Hello fellow Iwakian!I noticed that (at the time of my writing this) we have a lack of guides to writing romance, which is unfortunate because while romance is a standard inclusion in most stories, it's not always written well. Of course, I'm not saying that my ideas are the correct ones. This guide is more advice that I want to give based on opinions and analyses I've compiled over the years.
Avoiding Stereotypical Dynamics
The most common type of relationship dynamic that you'll find anywhere is effeminate and submissive person x masculine and dominant person, whether the couple is a heterosexual pairing or not. Heteronormative gender roles are entrenched in most societies, and they tend to shape what we find attractive, leading many people to write about them. While there is nothing inherently wrong with writing these types of dynamics if you are naturally drawn to them, a common problem haunts the dynamic like a ghost. This problem is passivity.The effeminate and submissive person is often portrayed as passive, taking minimal action and mostly just acting as a prize for the masculine and dominant person to win. (Related: see sexy lamp). When your character is passive within the story, there's a chance that you might also become passive as a writer. Instead of actively contributing to the story's progression, you might put all of the heavy-lifting on the person playing the dominant and more decisive character. This creates an unequal workload between writers, leading to frustration.
Beyond that, it can also be a bit bland. Once again, there's nothing wrong with writing this dynamic if it's what you genuinely enjoy, but you have to admit that it's nothing really new or intriguing because it's the societal norm. We have seen countless examples of such a dynamic already. Given this, an easy way to get your reader's attention is by playing with those expectations and turning them on their heads. In addition, getting creative with your dynamics can be a lot of fun!
Romance on a Technical Level
Simply put, avoid clichés when it comes to the writing itself. Now, notice that I'm not advising you to avoid clichés in terms of plot points. While many writers talk poorly about clichés and tropes, they have their place. There is a reason they are so popular: people like them! Clichés and tropes keep people reading fanfiction after fanfiction of their favorite pairings just to watch them repeatedly fall in love in similar ways. They have an undeniable charm, so you don't need to be entirely original to make something of value. Instead, you should try to put your own spin on classic clichés and tropes to give them a fresh look.When it comes to writing, though, there are a lot of overused phrases and descriptions that might make your reader roll their eyes more than coo. For example, comparing a loved one's freckles to stars, comparing their blue eyes to the ocean, giving your characters long "you are my world" speeches that have been said a million times before, etc. While these might work in certain contexts (e.g., comparing someone's eyes to the ocean would be clever if the character doing the describing has a particular fondness for water), they are often overused and make the romance itself come off as shallow and mechanical.
"Completing Each Other"
I think there's a common misunderstanding that two people being good for each other means that they need to be perfect for each other. In this case, the characters have the same opinions, traits, and goals in life, usually wholly by coincidence rather than through communication and effort. In reality, every person is flawed, and those flaws will grate against other people's flaws sometimes, even the people you love. You can be desperately in love with someone and still wind up arguing with them on occasion. As long as the arguments are not abnormally frequent, physically/psychologically damaging, and resolve healthily, they are great for encouraging communication and cooperation that ultimately strengthens both the relationship and the individuals within it.
Rather than complete each other, people should complement each other. This means that they should have conflicting personality traits that encourage each other to grow as people through compromise and empathy. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about the idea that opposites attract. According to a lot of research, that idea is also bullshit, and people actually tend to be more attracted to people who are similar to themselves.
In addition, romantic partners should not be treated as solutions to a character's problem. If a character is shy and unorganized, giving them an extroverted neat freak partner that fixes their messes for them does not automatically create chemistry. Instead, it encourages codependency and treats people as a means to an end rather than humans. Instead of being their own person in their own story, Character B is reduced to a tool meant to fix Character A's story for them.
Two people who complement each other should encourage each other to pursue their individual passions and challenge each other to step out of their comfort zone to become the best versions of themselves. Yes, that means your characters need to have depth beyond their romancibility. That creates the kind of chemistry that draws people in and makes them invested in the relationship. The focus is on the individuals growing side by side and supporting each other, not two characters who are inherently suited to each other in every way and make up for each other's lack.
Believability
Your characters need to have actual reasons for why they're in love with the other person. How much time have they spent with the other person? Do they know them all that well? If they haven't and don't, then is this just a case of sexual attraction? Why or why not? What particular traits does Character B have that draw Character A to them? Why are they attracted to those traits?These are all important questions that you should be asking yourself as you establish the dynamic between the characters, and there are tons of answers to each. Perhaps Character B brings out a side of Character A that they haven't been in touch with before. Maybe Character B treats Character A in a way they haven't been treated before, causing curiosity that leads to admiration and eventual devotion. Perhaps Character B is one of the few people that can relate to something that Character A has gone/is going through.
So many times in stories, it feels like people are forced together because "uhhh male lead ends up with female lead, duh" despite those characters never showing much interest in each other (or sometimes, even showing nothing but disdain). By giving your reader clear reasons for why Character A loves Character B, the love appears more genuine.
Don't be afraid to draw the story out, either. You don't have to get to the romance quickly. If you need more time to deepen the connection between the characters, take that time. Let's be honest, if you were to read something only for the romance, would you rather read a 300,000-word slow-burn fanfiction or Romeo & Juliet again?
Showing Love Rather Than Telling It
Concerning believability, beyond just giving us reasons for the characters' love, show us that they are in love through their behavior. If you just keep saying that Character A loves Character B but show no examples of that love, I'm not going to believe you.I'm sure you've heard of the five love languages, but if you haven't, I encourage you to check them out here. These "languages" are excellent ways of showing love between characters. Suppose Character A is really in love with Character B. In that case, that fact will be displayed by them doing things like taking care of Character B when they're ill, being conscious of how their words and actions could hurt Character B, touching them at any possible opportunity, etc.
Your characters don't have to engage in heroic acts of selflessness to prove their love, but their love should bleed out into their everyday behaviors. The reader should notice a heightened empathy and devotion on the part of both characters toward each other, even if that's shown through just washing the dishes for each other.
Slow-Burn Versus Realism
Now, slow-burns are fun. It's amusing to watch characters dance around each other like idiots, completely oblivious that their feelings are requited. However, it can get to the point where it's just not realistic. Surely there's been an instance where you've been watching or reading a romance story and gone, "no one can be that stupid!" Well, you should apply that to your own writing.It's normal to fear rejection, especially from someone who means the world to you and who you'd feel lost without, but there comes a point where the pain of being unable to express affection overwhelms the joys of being with the person. At that point, it is unlikely that the character wouldn't just rip the bandaid off and confess.
Additionally, when you're writing two very in love characters who are constantly showing each other how much they love the other, there comes a point where obliviousness is no longer excusable. If Character B has shown every sign that they feel X way, and yet Character A still thinks they feel Y way, they need to have a damn good reason to think so. Otherwise, their ignorance and denial will be frustrating more than endearing.
There comes a point where you have to be an adult and address the issue instead of beating around the bush, or a point of emotional explosion and acting on desperate impulse. That point will fluctuate for different characters (it would come much sooner for someone who is being written as perceptive and/or impulsive than someone oblivious and inexperienced). It is your job as a writer to recognize when the scales have tipped too far, and then you will need to resolve the conflict unless you can come up with a good reason for why it can't be resolved yet.
Unhealthy Love: When Things Go Too Far
[TW: discussion of abusive relationships]Like with most things, it's easy to take certain behaviors too far. Even ice cream can sour, and traits that once might have been admirable and charming can become unhealthy. While physical abuse is often easier to spot and condemn, other forms of abuse tend to go unnoticed but are just as harmful.
For example, flirty teasing can easily become verbal abuse if you're not careful. Some signs of this are as follows:
- Character A berates Character B more than they compliment them.
- Character A's 'teasing' includes targeting Character B's biggest insecurities and trauma.
- Character A does not clarify to Character B that they are joking when teasing them.
- Character A does not apologize for going too far with a joke, either ignoring Character B's discomfort or getting defensive in the face of it.
Other classic examples are obsession being mistaken for devotion and natural jealousy/possessiveness becoming controlling. In a healthy relationship, characters should not:
- Stalk each other and monitor each other's activity. This shows both distrust and disrespect toward their partner's loyalty.
- Force their partner to cut ties with other loved ones and/or limit their interactions with others or force their partner to become dependent on them.
- Constantly call their partner's loyalty into question, especially as a method of manipulating them by making them feel guilty and scared of rejection.
- Disregard their partner's desires to get their way.
- Have no passions outside of the other person.
- Make their partner take on all of the emotional burdens in the relationship and make them responsible for their happiness.
Another important note in terms of unhealthy dynamics is that if you've written a character who has gone through trauma and has yet to work through it, it is likely that they will treat their partner poorly as a result. A common consequence of trauma that I see in roleplays is a lack of trust, which can lead the character to push away their partner's attempts to help them. That neglect of their partner's feelings and withdrawal of affection is emotional abuse. They might also get violent and mean in attempts to push them away, which is physical and verbal abuse. Lack of trust can also lead to the invasion of privacy mentioned earlier, which is also abuse.
Many other toxic behaviors can happen in a relationship, and it's worth doing more extensive research into the subject when you have the time.
Unhealthy Love: Its Value
There are many reasons writers might choose to write intentionally unhealthy relationships, and doing so doesn't make you a bad person. Perhaps writing about unhealthy relationships is a way of working through your own trauma. Maybe it's to portray cautionary tales for others or even something that intrigues you, and you want a space to explore unhealthy dynamics without hurting anyone. As long as your writing partners know the type of dynamic you wish to create and consent to it, write whatever you wish.Also, note my use of unhealthy love. I use this because I believe that unhealthy love is not inherently not love. These topics are often nuanced, and emotions are complicated. However, these relationships are always harmful, and we should be careful about romanticizing abuse. We need to work on being able to recognize when we are writing an unhealthy relationship, and when we notice it, we shouldn't pretend that it isn't. There should be some acknowledgment that the relationship is not something you should strive to have in real life; otherwise, you risk playing into propaganda that encourages people to endure abuse out of a skewed idea of love.
When To End It
Sometimes relationships don't work out, even fictional ones. This might be because the relationship has become abusive, but sometimes relationships can end for much simpler reasons. As you write, you might find after a while that the characters don't have as much chemistry as you would like. Maybe their differences are too stark for them to get along without changing aspects of their personalities. Perhaps they expect different things from the relationship, and compromise doesn't seem possible.If this happens, don't be afraid to end the relationship. This might seem strange, especially if the entire story focuses on romance, but if it isn't working, it simply isn't working. Trying to force the relationship will only lead to bad writing and less enjoyment for everyone involved. It's better to restart with different characters, create a whole new story, or acknowledge that your writing styles and interests might not mesh as well as you'd hoped and then part ways amicably.
Conclusion
Really, the most significant piece of advice when writing romance is not to force it. If a relationship is becoming unhealthy and it's making you uncomfortable, or if the characters aren't a good fit for each other based on personality and goals, don't be afraid to speak up or even end the roleplay. You should also avoid making couples that are near carbon copies of each other who never fight or who are different in precisely the right ways to fix all of their problems for each other. Focus on letting your characters live as individuals. If they naturally gravitate toward one another and become better people for having known each other, then the chances are that you have written a good romance story.
