I hesitated with this one, because I'm pretty much the first person to put myself down as soon as I get the chance, but, I think I could be my friend -- because one thing I do like about myself (most of the time) is how empathetic, considerate, and patient I can be with others. Which means, I can be patient and understanding about my shortcomings. ^^" I'd be someone who understands my own needs and doesn't make me feel bad about expressing them. We'd be on the same level about things, so our interactions wouldn't have the awkwardness that I tend to have when I'm talking to people that I think are better than me. ^~^" Point is, we'd understand each other, and we wouldn't expect more from each other than we can handle. And we'd actually be able to watch TV shows at the same pace!! :D So yeah, I think we'd get along well.
I'm pretty much in the same boat right now. On one hand, I wouldn't want to be my friend. Dealing with myself right now as is, if people are annoyed with me, they should realize how annoyed I get with myself. My crippling anxiety doesn't allow me to go out very much. I mean I tell this story because it offer some insight of how my brain worked. Last month I was hungry, decided I wanted to go to Popeyes well this is the conclusion of those events:
-I live 5 minutes away. This task should take me 10, 15 minutes normally, but it didn't
-I walked into the Popeyes, stared at the menu for 10 minutes, then walked outside, took the 5 minute walk back home and then said fuck I am still fucking hungry
-Had to walk the 5 minutes back to Popeyes, fucked around in the parking lot first, Then I finally walked into the Popeyes and ordered
I am not very flexible. If you had to describe me by a material, I'm like Silicone, I give way, but I don't bend very easily. I'm stubborn, I am horrible at communicating. I'm neurotic, paranoid.....hello been diagnosed with Autism and Paranoid Schizophrenia. I am social isolated. Not very socially integrated. But then I realize, sometimes when I struggle. The things people outside of myself have told me.
They like talking to me, it's weird, but I recently gotten "I hate leaving because I still want to talk to you" from a lot of people. They say I am 100% Authentic. I don't bullshit around about myself and I am blunt to the point. They say that I am extremely kind and that I have a good heart, and that I am a good hearted person. I want to believe that. I want to consider that. But I don't know. I'm tentative about believing their words. Maybe....all of this is just anxiety that shackles me and makes me see only the worse parts of myself.
I came up with something about people in a story once, I said this.
"People grow their best qualities on their back. Other people can see the beautiful flower blooming behind them or the wilting one, whichever it may be. But because we cannot see the flower on our backs and how beautiful it is, because all we see in front of us is our tangled root system. Which is a mess."
