Worried about my Pop

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Fluffy, Jun 5, 2012.

  1. I'd like to vent, and hear some advice if y'all don't mind it. This has gone on far too long. It bothered me only a little bit before, but now I'm losing my temper about it.

    So here's the sitch.

    My dad's been dating this one lady for, um... I want to say 3 years, and this year would be the 4th in a few months. Anyway, she's generally a nice person. My Pop is certainly crazy about her. But... A lot of baggage came with her when they met. Also, she's got insecurity issues because of men treating her so badly in the past. I don't know all the details; I just know she's a bit messed up.

    Pop loves her so much that he's invested lots of time and money into helping her improve herself. Lovers help each other with every struggle; that's just how it is for some. I can tell that sometimes, it exhausts him. It even causes problems for their relationship. Tons of them. She's so untrusting that when my pop so much as looks at another woman, family member or not, she flips her shit. She's accused him of cheating, when he never did. She's also, I think, one of those types who creates a scene when her boyfriend's Facebook says he just friended another girl.

    My pop ain't no cheater, liar or whore. He's very loyal and dedicated to the women he dates because the mistakes of his past taught him valued lessons. Really, the only thing that girls might not like is he doesn't want to be married again. At least, not any time soon. Uh, anyway... Even with these facts in mind, she continues to throw these accusations at him. It's hurtful.

    So, this is how fights start. Sometimes they end okay, sometimes they end in a breakup [and then days later get back together]. The worst outcome of all is when she gives the silent treatment for days, sometimes weeks. She never returns his calls or texts. She doesn't even tell him if it's over, or that she'd like time by herself to think. She just leaves his apartment unceremoniously and that's it!

    She did this not terribly long ago, and also like... A couple days ago. The time before now, my pop sank into a deep depression. He couldn't get a full night's sleep, he couldn't stand being alone, and sometimes he'd drink until there was no pain. The most I was able to do for him is offer an ear if he wanted to talk, and offer my time for video games so he could have some fun instead of worrying about when she'd return his messages. I'm sad that I can't physically be with him to console him.

    So now it's happening all over again. I'll have to put more time into helping him heal, despite what all I've got to take care of on my end. Because of this woman, I too am getting exhausted. I'm sick of hearing about how she acts like a bitch, breaks up with him and then gets back together with him when she's finally ready to talk. Whenever I tell him he should move on from her, he disagrees. (Oh, and pretty much everyone else wants them to stay broken up, too. He still says no.) Pop claims to love this lady enough to be treated like garbage whenever she's butthurt about...whatever it is she's butthurt about. He doesn't intend to give up on her. She's really special to him. And I can understand how she's different from other women, but no matter how great they are, no good person deserves to be tortured that way.

    It's hurting me more and more each day, especially on the days he tells me how gloomy he's feeling. My dad ain't perfect and wasn't always there for me, but dammit he's done what he could. That's my daddy's heart she's bruising and it's only going to get worse if he keeps her around. I'm very protective of the people who are dearest to me. (Shit, my eyes are watering now. v__v) Once I'm angry and involved, oh man... It's scary but effective.


    What do I do, guys? Should I keep doing what I'm doing, which is just be there for him and support him? Should I talk to the woman myself? I want to demand that she returns his calls or else I can't be friends with her. She's wasting away every chance she has to have a relationship with me, his daughter. His whole world. :/ Or, is there something I should say to him that I haven't thought of?

    His brother is in Florida, he rarely talks to his mom, his dad is dead, his other brother cut off communication with us... That leaves me. I'm all he has. I'll be damned if I fail him like so many others have.
  2. This is tough and it makes me sad, because people important to you are important to me.

    First of all, being there for him I think is absolutely the best thing that you can do. Him knowing that he has someone out there who cares and wants the best for him probably helps him a lot. It can be hard and just like in cases where people can hardly stand to watch someone carry out an abusive relationship, she sounds a bit emotionally abusive and it saddens me because it seems like she's perpetuating a cycle of abuse - she was wronged by someone she cared about and now she is doing the same to him. However, only the person on the receiving end of the abuse can really decide to make it stop, no matter how many people who love them try to help. That said...

    If you have fairly decent relationship with her and feel comfortable talking with her, it might be good to try to show her what she's doing to him when she does this kind of thing and maybe see if there's not some other way for her to handle her feelings instead of harming him. I assume that she cares about him and is simply unable to break herself out of this cycle. From what you say, it sounds like she's been trying to work out her issues but maybe adding some couple therapy into that wouldn't be a bad idea, that way they can better address their communication and trust problems and try to work out methods of dealing with these issues in a way that doesn't make either of them hurt like this.

    Just a couple of Kitti thoughts/suggestions. I wish that I could help you out more, Fluffen love. Always here for you. <3
  3. <3 Thank you, Kittin. Your words are all greatly considered. I'll continue to be there for him and if this continues too much longer, I'll drop her a message. A nice one. Maybe she'll listen.