Why me?

R

Ray

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Original poster
I've noticed how little friends I have for a very long time. I'm suddenly focused on the idea and I'm taking note of it. I wonder if my introversion does me any good at all.

Everyone else around me is so happy and smiling but I'm like a stick in the mud just waiting to be pulled out. Why can't I have really close friends? Just one person who'll always be by my side is good enough. I just want someone to talk to, but I'm like the outcast of those around me. Everyone else has something to say, everyone else has something to do, everyone else wants to gossip and talk crap, but I don't.

I don't want to gossip and talk crap. I don't have something to say. I don't have anything to do. Sometimes I feel lonely... I feel so alone... Even now...
 
Sounds really familiar. Too familiar.

That said, personally, I kinda took lessons from a variety of media (television shows, manga, anime, and the like). The recurring lesson, I realize, is that ultimately, friendship is an interaction. You want friends? Then you have to be a friend to those you want to befriend. If you want a close friend, then you gotta be willing to treat that person like a close friend. That involves a level of trust. It won't be easy, and there's always a sense of risk there, but hey - as Adele said, "Regrets and mistakes they're memories made" right?

At least, that was how I found my closest buddy, the sort I can actually imagine growing old, having my family and inviting him and his family over for dinner. Amusing that something like this could happen. To me no less.

Caveat emptor, regardless. But no pain, no gain. And hey, you're already taken a small first step up here. That's a start, if you'll make the effort to act upon it in real life.
 
Thanks for the explanation. I really don't see how I can do something so big on my own without anyone else because of my shy nature. The people that are usually around me, laughing and talking, talk about stuff I don't have any interest in (whatsoever), so in that situation I don't even have a clue how I'd be able to actually talk to them besides small talk such as "Oh, I see" or "Yeah" and simple bodily gestures such as nodding. That's just not something I'd prefer to happen everyday in school.
 
Something you need to learn is that, just because that's how it looks like for everyone around you, doesn't mean that that's the standard for you as well. You may as well just be a quiet person by nature, and what you gotta realize is that's okay. There's nothing wrong with that, and it only makes you a stick in the mud if you let it.

It's true that, if you want friends, you need to be a friend. But on that same token, you don't have to open yourself up to everyone you meet. You're allowed to be picky, or keep your arm out to make distance with people. It's kind of a good idea to do that, anyways. You can't be friends with everyone, nor does anyone expect you to. And if you think that loud guy or girl in the crowd that everyone likes is friends with all of them? You should rethink that. Not everything is what it seems to be.

Anywho, if you need to reach out privately, feel free to hit me up over Iwaku PMs. :)
 
I was in the same place when I was your age, it sucks, but as tacky as this sounds, it does make you stronger.

What these guys are saying about taking risks and putting yourself out there is 100% true. I met one of my best friends because she worked at a game shop and I started chatting about Zelda with her. I met one girl looking at the same manga as me; she introduced me to her friend Laura, who invited me into their cosplay group, where I met Morgan, Brandon, Jesse, Jess, Alex, and Scott, who is presently my boyfriend through whom I met butt tons of other people. Some people I got to know well, some became loose acquaintances, and some just didn't stick, but the key to meeting people is definitely going out on a limb and being the one to say hi, the one to text "ice cream today??", the one to say "so there's a tournament at the arcade this Friday..." If it doesn't work, you both move past it knowing you tried. If it does, you have a new friend.

On the subject, being lonely and living a solitary life can suck, but in the times when there's no one to hang with, you can discover yourself. Experiment, watch different shows, try different hobbies, join clubs, gyms, become a regular in a public place like a library or arcade or café, keep a journal, explore and discover things about yourself; it's a rewarding experience to know and be confident in who you are, and to keep making discoveries as you grow and change
 
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I understand. I'm not really as cheerful or all smiley IRL like on here. I was and still am one of the quietest girls in class, except if to talk with my few friends. My mother tells me I frown or keep a poker face a lot, and I don't really know - that's my neutral face, why do people think I look so stand-offish? All people say about me is that I'm cute, but I'm also antisocial.

The few close friends I have, I feel like we're drifting apart. We've graduated highschool and have gone our own ways, and while they still visit, it's not the same. In college, the people I see with each class change, and it's hard to form emotional bonds with them outside of polite smiles and small talk. And I've never been one for small talk. I talk with them and they invite me out sometimes, but everytime I just don't really feel like I've made any progress at all. When I'm walking by myself and seeing other students having friends, laughing and generally not alone, I feel so alone.

Even when I'm surrounded by people, I still feel alone. Maybe the most alone I've ever felt.

But maybe that's a good thing; since childhood I've studied at the same institution, so my high school classmates were essentially childhood friends. We've seen each other grown up; so it just feels different to me to suddenly be surrounded by strangers in a new environment. Everyone here is much more competitive but also social and I'm intimidated, I'm anxious if I'll sound stupid with what I say or if I'm not good enough.

But what the others say above about taking risks and trying out new things is the only advice we can both take. That's the only way we can see if there are others who could be our friends and see where that takes us. And while we're alone, we can also grow stronger from that. I don't really have much life experience to tell you more than that, reading books a lot doesn't equate to it (as I've been told), but I want you to know you're not alone.

If you want someone to talk to, I'm here. ^^
 
Well... hmm... I wanna say something here, but I don't got much. I fear I might start rambling, so forgive me if I do.

As far as I can tell, you and I are pretty much on the same boat. The only difference being that it doesn't really trouble me that much, at least... not often... Why? I'm not really sure, perhaps I'm just used to it. Most of my life's been spent in solitude, with very little friends, if any. I had one good friend for while, someone like you said, who would always be by my side. What happened to them? Well, I screwed up; one stupid mistake and now they hate me. For someone like me, a friend like that is a luxury, so needless to say I took it hard. And now that I'm back to having no one that I can really talk to, after having someone for so long, well... It's tough, and a real big struggle, I get by by tackling life one day at a time.

So yeah, I have moments where I envy other people, wishing that I had their wonderful lives, instead mine, which is far from any sort of wonder at this point. But then I remind myself that it's all superficial, a lot of the people you see going about their lives with such happy expressions on their faces aren't nearly as happy as they appear. Everyone has their issues, something that troubles them, that they struggle to deal with, it only makes you human. We live in a very demanding society, with an impossibly high standard, to think that anyone could live a perfect life in this kind of world would be rather silly.

Anyways, I'm rambling, just like I said I might. I think my point is that you shouldn't focus too much on other people's lives, you won't get anywhere doing that. Try to focus on yourself, put yourself out there if you can, but don't stray too far from who you really are; after all, you want friends that like you and not the mask that you've put on, right? It honestly doesn't take that much to make a friend, if you do it right. It might take sometime to find someone that you really click with, but don't give up hope, you're still young, there's plenty of time to find special friend who'll always be there for you. I will say this, though, you're never gonna find them if ya don't search for them. Who knows? They could be right under your nose and you just have realized it yet.

If anything, you're very much welcome to message me, my inbox is always open. I'll do whatever I can to help you out, even if I can't guarantee much.
 
@Hanako-chan it sounds like we both need T shirts that say 'I'm not angry, this is just my face'.

I firmly believe small talk is intuitive for very few people; it's a learned skill like spelling or driving or dancing without looking like an idiot. It's almost never natural feeling; you can tell "small talk" from actual conversation, but the thing about small talk is that it grows into real conversations sometimes. It's also a good way to start an interaction without assuming undue familiarity. I usually comment on something I know affects them in some way, like the weather, the long line we're standing in, or the movie they're looking at. if both parties have something to say about the subject, conversation can happen. Reading body language and knowing when the other person would rather you shut it also takes practice. >.>'
 
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Same here. After the third move around I kinda lost the nerve to interact with people that didn't approach me first, even if I wanted to.
And now at the 7th? I lost count, I don't have as many friends as I did two years ago. Let me tell you, I had ALOT, all completely unintended.

It sucks.
I hate moving.
I hate being an introvert.
I hate having angry eyebrows.
I hate being the minority even if that's the majority.
I hate gossip.
I hate birds.
I hate hating so many things. It makes me feel sick inside.

But..... Since you're in school perhaps try getting involved in classes a bit more? Join a club filled with like minded people?(If you're school does that.) Break into in on a conversation that interests you by actually showing emotion? (chuckle here, glance there, "Oh the new blah blah, yeah I hear it's supposed to be good. It has blah blah in it too." here) It may not automatically earn you buds everywhere all over the place, but it should at the least show people that you're social...ish.
 
When I first started backpacking, I was quite literally on my own on the other side of the world. I quickly learned that to make friends, you need to take initiative. Not just talk to people, but also be ready to organise activities. With backpackers, some of these are easy, like talking about places you want to go and if there's an overlap, do something practical like share a car. I personally also like to talk about food, because it can easily lead up to "Hey you know what we should totally cook together. You free next Friday?" Or "Come to my place tonight and I will prove to you spinach can taste good with the right seasoning (read: lots of garlic)."

It can really be anything. Use your hobbies to start up a convo you can get into. Maybe you're into sketching portraits; there's enough people who would love to model for you for an hour or so. Sports or videogames are also great to involve others in, or ask to be involved in, because players tend to be very passionate about this one. Hell, I've had a date once with whom I talked about Mario Kart and we ended up buying a bunch of bananas and took them to the go-kart track. That was awesome.

The thing is, you have to take the first step. You'd be surprised what works and how open people can be. Of course sometimes you'll get rejections, but that's okay. I mean, you wouldn't go along with every proposition thrown your way either. It just means you have to try something different, or find another person to talk with. Approaching others sure might seem scary at first, but even if you're shaking in your boots doing it, you will find that each experience has something new to teach you (put that on a tile) and you'll only grow as a person by taking their lessons and keep trying.
 
Do note, that there are people out there who don't do that stuff too. There's just a small handful of them. Problem with most people today is that they want to fit into a certain group so they end up doing things that particular group does so they won't get left out. It's all about "fitting in" these days now.

Stick to your own ways. Those kinds of people about gossip have more of a chance of getting hurt or in trouble because of the crap they talk/get themselves into. I myself have found good groups of friends that don't talk crap about others and we really accept anyone as a friend. If someone ends up gossiping and shit talking, we'll tell them to chill somewhat.

I'll admit that i've done it myself in the past. I realize that it's wrong...and hell I sometimes still do it a few times today, but I stop myself from continuing it. You can and will find people like you out there or people that are calm and don't go with the smacktalk. There's a handfuk of em, but they're out there.

Shoot me a message if you need someone to talk to!
 
@Ser K+ If I had the time to join clubs that interest me I would most definitely do so. I'm not a social butterfly and it's really the things that they talk about makes me turn away. That's why I don't seem social, but in truth, I do love talking to others.

@Kestrel Thank you for reiterating that. I've actually tried to organize events before. However, nothing ever worked out due to my classmate's incapacity to actively approach the idea and let me know for sure what was going on and whether they could do something with me or not. I'll try to bring up something again with my new classmates. Maybe they'll actually consider doing something with me.
 
Keep trying. I guess high school is too far away for me, which I sorta assume you are atm in your life. I guess you might need to push abit, but idk. Don't lisen to me. I 've been drinking.
 
You are young. These are issues we go by.

Having close friends isn't something that is easy to come by. Hell, I started having a few close friends only after I hit my 20s and I was at college. The High School phase of life is a harsh one, but trust me, once it is done, it's done. I was the same, per say. I didn't have any "friends". I had groups I jumped into, with people I knew, then jumped out. I was kind of a loner who did a lot.

Then, there's the getting out there and being social. Hard thing to do for most. I don't have that problem, but I can see how stressful it is. Only suggestion to this, like mentioned before, is clubs, meetings, social gatherings for X reason. It's hard to make friends when you don't know them from your childhood.
 
@Rain of the Night Thank you for your explanation. As I've stated above though, I would join clubs if I had the time.

@Kestrel Thank you. I do have high school yes, but I also have college as well. Collegiate student here. :P
 
Friendships, real friendships, take time to settle into that personal part of our lives. As an adult, working and/or going to university, it doesn't get any easier. a lot of our time is devoted to responsibilities and we find less time for others, let alone ourselves.

If you are surrounded by people you don't feel comfortable with, or you feel you are wasting time, don't settle. Realize the difference between what you consider a friend, versus a neutral or positive acquaintance.

Make time for yourself. Find a comfortable hobby or routine you can do by yourself. A lot of people I know enjoy weight lifting, cardio exercising, crocheting, drawing, meditating, cooking, writing, archery, things they do by themselves. Hobbies they spend time perfecting and trying alternative methods to build their confidence in it.

Realize what you enjoy in your spare time. Realize what you love and what isn't your cup of tea. Try new opportunities, especially the stuff that makes you nervous or shy. If you try something new with an experienced person, they will support you. They will help you learn. :)

Stay away from toxic or negative environments. Don't invest too much time or energy in the people or environments that slow you down. And follow your gut.

In time, you build positive relationships, and you become comfortable being open to others. and maybe you aren't ready to air out your problems to them, but you can spend quality time with them. And it builds up from good foundation.

That was my own experience so far.
 
Hey Ray...I know how you're feeling because it's the same thing for me. I feel alone because I feel like nobody is by my side on any level whether it be friendship or relationship. If you need a friend and someone to talk to I am always here for ya man.
 
Ray said:
I've noticed how little friends I have for a very long time. I'm suddenly focused on the idea and I'm taking note of it. I wonder if my introversion does me any good at all.

Everyone else around me is so happy and smiling but I'm like a stick in the mud just waiting to be pulled out. Why can't I have really close friends? Just one person who'll always be by my side is good enough. I just want someone to talk to, but I'm like the outcast of those around me. Everyone else has something to say, everyone else has something to do, everyone else wants to gossip and talk crap, but I don't.

I don't want to gossip and talk crap. I don't have something to say. I don't have anything to do. Sometimes I feel lonely... I feel so alone... Even now...
Click to expand...
My dad had a saying, 'If your are lucky you will count your true friend on one hand.'

Other people don't live your live and you can't see into their lives and how they truly feel, what if all those smiles and happy people stuff is just hallow, meaningless regurgitated soap opera nonsense?.....what? ok...My point is you don't know for realsies if the happiness you see on others is real or not.

Finding someone who will always be there and on your side?

Give it some time, and don't stop...trust me there are people everywhere, that person is most definitely out there somewhere. Meanwhile just kick back, relax, enjoy yourself, enjoy Iwaku, and use the internet as a tool to get the things you want out of life. You are feeling anxious and impatient and, comparing yourself to other people. That's NO FUN PEOPLE SUCKKKK lol

Most people are really shitty and I'd personally rather wait years to find that person that I can really connect with a trust, than settle for anything less. I believe me...I did just that, I had to wait for years, and jsut when I was about to give up all hope, at the age of 25 I got really lucky. Some people have to wait longer than I did.

True BFF's are Once in a lifetime deals. Best thing for you to do is keep yourself occupied with Activities, figure out what hobbies you enjoy and do them, pick something and just get good at it. Keep yourself busy and enjoy yourself, life is way to short to let how other people are effect the way you are.

Hang in there, its all temporary, I promise you.

<3
Fijo
 
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