When Death Creeps Up From Behind

[ZsafineGypsy]

To Whom It May Concern,
[spacer]I can no longer keep up with my medical conditions as I suffer alone. It is said that I am suffering from the "American Economy" as I can not pay to survive. Travelling over seas to come to America to taste this freedom they offered to me, though I feel like I have fallen for a trap. I am in grave need for medications for my Heart and a Hip Surgery but without insurance that I must pay for as well, my medications all together are nearly three-hundred US dollars. ($300) There is no job for me that will allow me to work while I juggle my medical problems as the one I have I feel is on the verge of sending me on my way. I cannot help my problems, I cannot help that I pass out periodically or cry out in pain when I walk. My Doctor who has been with me for a very long time has declared that I am no longer able to live alone as each day is a possible chance of death if I do not watch myself. If no one is there when my heart stops then it may not start again. But I am alone. No room in my home to let another stay or room anywhere else for me who will let me stay cheaply.
[spacer]The past 48 hours have been nothing but pain and the harsh gasps for air. I feel like something is pushing on my chest sometimes I even feel like I am drowning on the dark abyss with no room to breath. Long ago I was told by my mother that she doubted I would not live longer than thirty because of the crazy things I use to do. Now she may be right but for a whole other reason. Why have I come here for freedom when I am being treated unworthy? Since I or others alike have no money, we suffer. Programs who offer to help always have a catch. I'm sorry my friends; I wish I could keep a near straight smile a bit longer but it has grown to be too hard. The pain from all 9 years when it first began is catching up and now everyday I clutch my chest as I feel the beats of my heart echo through my throat. Passing out when no one is around is scary because Death in all corners of my home. If I can't fight my way back to the light when no one is around, there will be no light to see.
[spacer]I am not sure if I am asking for help...
Or maybe someone to end my life a little less painfully...
[spacer]Perhaps someone to just hold my hand while I leave...

Crying here as I write does me no good,
But this community is the only ears I can share my voice with...​

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[Fijoli]

America has alot of governmental help you can benefit from. If you are alone, you can apply for a lot of things like disability, welfare, food stamps, and other things like that. Right now, the Governmental health system is in overload, the only catch there is going to be is having to pay for insurance that you make enough money to pay for and still pay more for meds and specialists and waiting in a long line for it.

You should call someone, anyone, for help, company, or assistance. You do not have to be alone in your situation, I do not suggest being in this situation alone, the internet has many groups you can join to talk with people in your same position, possibly meet up with, and find more help and better advice than the basics I can give to you here.

I'm sorry you feel trapped on top of feeling such intense pains, I can imagine how overwhelmed you are feeling and you just have to keep your head up and seek the help you need through professional assistance.

ON THE OTHER HAND, many handicapped people have and still live alone and thrive, but they have a very active social life through other means like the internet and physical therapy groups. Combating loneliness while in a new place, trying to figure everything out for your health, sounds extremely rough But I know you can do it, you're a tough cookie. Anxiety and depression will make your conditions worse and harder for you to not just seek but find the help you need. It seems like a long process but you just have to find something that works for you and we are all different, in the mean time, Iwaku will be here to encourage you and take your mind off of these horrible things. Iwaku is not the only ears you have, you have the entire world web at your disposal, you can find anything and everything you could want or need right on the internet. There are many in your position that can help you, give advice, and even become your greatest friends. Maybe someone from Iwaku, but don't put all your eggs in one basket like that, don't sell yourself so short. You deserve the same chance as everyone else gets and with the web you could find someone in the same area as you within visiting distance and help each other through a disability. The possibilities are endless.

~holds your hand~

you are not alone in this suffering but I am so sorry that you have to suffer at all, and I wish your pain subsides. Feel free to PM me if you want or need to talk or vent, My ears are always open.

Fijo<3

 

[ZsafineGypsy]

Thank you Fijoli,
Unfortunately I barely make $100 every two weeks so paying for insurance is a no-go for me. I know there is a place not extremely far from me where I can apply for a free version of it(medical). Though I am unsure if I could just do it online. I don't drive since my car accident in December which caused my hip fracture. Unless I can find a friend who isn't working or someone to take me then I would have to wait. If only I could remember what it was called... Grrr

Calling someone for help is not a bad idea at all but the question is, "Who?" Not everyone is so willing to help at least I have yet to see in my area. (Full of drunk, angry a**holes, thiefs...-Rant goes on-) I wish not to be alone though sometimes one has no choice to be. I do have a nice neighbor who is an police officer who comes check on me but being a police officer takes a lot of her time. Out most of the day doing her job. What makes a lot of it hard other than my heart is being considered "Crippled" as I cannot walk far without support of something. When I am out and about doing what I must, it hurts when I see people staring at me or when a child goes; "Mom, why is that girl walking funny?" Despite the fact I have better days than some it still hurts to hear because I don't want to go through that adding to the emotional pain. Luckily a friend who is in the medical field has offered some free help for my hip to straighten how I walk but not fix the fracture.

Iwaku has been great to me even the times before I have been here through a shared account. I only hope to stay no matter my struggles. What happens now; I do not know.

 

[Fijoli]

At best try to (and I know you have heard this a lot by now probably) just focus on breathing. Surf the web for people in your area with the same issues you are having and as for the medical stuff, youtube has videos you can watch of people explaining how to go about applying for medicare, disability and other things like that online.

There are numbers you can call, help hotlines that will walk you through applications. If you need help finding these things or have trouble, I can try to help you, but only if you want my help. I don't want to force you or overwhelm you, try to Google search things like home care assistance for under budget physical handicaps/disabled citizens.

Google search for disability groups and chat room or Forums dedicated to people dealing with physical handicaps, those going through what you are will have the best advice to give you. Youtube I think also has self physical therapy exercises you can try to do in your own home. I'm trying to think of all the things my uncle did during his disabilities (he had his feet removed from diabetes). Again, I can direct you to a few places online if you are open to the help, I'm more than willing to help you surf through the web for anything that might help you.

Iwaku is happy to have you and your efforts and contributions to the site are appreciated. You give us your time to help this community thrive, so I can't just sit idly by while you say you feel so helpless. ~hugs~

 

[Robin's Lover]

I'm so sorry. Hugs. You need the assistance. Look for charity organizations that help with medical bills. Here is a link I found maybe it can help? The government takes a long time to process social security disability but definitely sign up anyway. The money could surely be worth your while. Don't give up on it. Even though it may feel like your being put through the ringer. I know from experience with my brother. Lawyers are also available free to the public if your request falls through. Here is the link for the charitys for in the mean time. http://www.needhelppayingbills.com/html/get_free_prescription_drugs.html