What's your favourite clean joke?

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Minibit, Feb 6, 2014.

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  1. PG-rated jokes! This means no swears, sexuality, racism, or other offensive themes; I want jokes I can tell in front of my BF's 11-year-old sister!

    My personal favourites:

    Where did the general hide his armies?
    In his sleevies!

    -*-

    A pirate is in a bar, he has an eyepatch, a peg leg, and a hook. An admiring young sailor comes over and says
    "Golly mister! How did you get your pegleg?"
    "Arr me lad, it were blowed off in a cannon fight, it were"
    "Wow! How did you get your hook?"
    "Arr me lad, t'were cut off in a fight with the King's men, it were!"
    "Amazing! And one more question sir; how did you get your eyepatch?"
    "Seagull poop"
    "...What? Seagull poop knocked out your eye?"
    "Nay lad, it only landed on me cheek. But y'see, t'were the first day with me hook!"

    -*-

    Did you hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?
    ... Well, well, well!

    -*-

    What's brown and sticky?
    A stick

    -*-

    What's red, and smells like blue paint?
    Red paint

    -*-

    What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
    A carrot

    -*-

    What did 0 say to 8?
    Nice belt!

    -*-

    How does batman's mom call him in for his evening meal?
    DinnerdinnerdinnerdinnerdinnerBATMAAAAN!

    -*-

    What kind of pants do the Mario brothers wear?
    Denim denim denim!

    -*-


    A man is stranded in the countryside; his car is turned over in a ditch. Finally, just as he is about to start walking for it, a farmer shows up with a horse and plow.
    "Don't worry" the farmer says "Buddy and I will pull you out!"
    So he hitches the horse to the car and calls "PULL, DONALD!"
    The horse stands still
    "PULL, JACK!"
    The horse stands still
    "PULL, DANNY!"
    Still the horse is motionless
    "PULL BUDDY!"
    The horse gives a great heave and drags the car out of the ditch.
    "Thanks so much!" the traveller says "But why did you call him the wrong name three times?"
    "Well" says the farmer "Buddy here is blind, and if he thought it was just him, he wouldn't even try!"

    -*-

    A man wants to get into a fancy restaurant, but they won't admit him without a necktie. So he goes back to his car and all he can find for a tie is some jumper cables. So he fashions them into as best a necktie as he can manage and goes back to the door
    "Now will you let me in?" he asks
    The doorman eyes him down and sighs "Okay" he says "Just don't start anything"
     
  2. A virus walks into a bar.
    The bartender says, "We don't serve viruses here."
    The virus replaces the bartender and says, "Now we do."

    So, so sorry.
     
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  3. How do you put an elephant into the refrigerator?
    Open the door, take everything out, put the elephant in, close the door.

    Three men walk into a bar
    The fourth man ducks

    Did you hear the joke about the astrophysicist?
    Never mind it's over your head.

    How you you put a giraffe into the refrigerator?
    open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the door.
     
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  4. A Higgs boson walks into a church.
    The priest says, "We don't allow your kind here."
    And the Higgs boson says, "But without me, how can you have mass?"
     
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  5. I... I don't get it :/
     
  6. Oh, physics joke. I'm appreciative.

    Anyways.

    What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
    If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.

    Umm....

    A lady tells her vet that her cat swallowed a plastic grocery bag. The vet successfully removes the plastic from the cat and proudly announces:
    OK, MA'AM, THE BAG'S OUT OF THE CAT!

    What did the big bucket say to the little bucket?
    You look a little pail!

    What do you call a deer with no eyes?
    No Idear.

    What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
    Still no idear.

    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of his door?
    Matt.

    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?
    Bob.

    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs with an angry cat?
    Claude.

    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs leaning on a wall?
    Art.

    What do you call a womman with one leg shorter than the other?
    Eileen.

    My teacher spewed those out endlessly in middle school.
     
  7. Ok, so this is one @Ryex told me some time ago.
    It is on the long side though :)

    Once there was a man who was going to build a brick house. However, he was an eccentric who was obsessed with the number 99 and he decided his house was going to be build using only 99 bricks. Once he had his plans all figured out and filed, his permits approved, his contractor paid the appropriate portion of his fee in advance, all he needed to do was buy the materials. So he went to his local hardware store and asked for a palate of 99 bricks. The owner was very understanding of the man's needs, however he was sorry to inform the man that the closest they could offer him was 100. "Can't you cut me a deal or something?" the man asked. The owner informed him that purchasing the full 100 bricks really would get him a better deal, so the man relented and took home his 100 bricks.

    After the appropriate building time the house was completed and the man was pleased to find he really had managed to build a house using only 99 bricks. He stood back and admired his new home and then suddenly, catching something out of the corner of his eye, noticed the one brick that had been left over laying in the yard. The man picked it up and turned it over in his hand, and having no use for a single brick tossed it up into the air as high as he possible could.

    Meanwhile, high in the clouds above was a plane carrying a pair of passengers who were perfect strangers. Unfortunately both had decided to ignore standard airplane protocols, and the stewardess was too busy watching her nail-polish dry to pay attention. One, a woman in her mid forties was riding with her dog, one of those white yappy things, in her lap. The man in the seat beside her was smoking a cigar. The dog to say the least was not too happy to have cigar smoke floating in its face and it began to cough and bark by turns, "Can you please put your cigar out?" the woman asked the man beside her, trying very hard to be patient.

    "No," he answered her, "I've waited a very long time to have this cigar and now I'm going to enjoy it. Besides, you shouldn't even have a dog. It's supposed to be checked in a carrier just like everyone else who flies with their pets."
    "Never mind my dog, this in a non-smoking flight!" she snapped back.
    Needless to say the argument whent on for some time. "get rid of the dog," "you put the cigar out," etc. etc. Eventually the man got so tired of fighting, and he really wasn't enjoying his cigar with her yelling in his ear any way, that he offered a compromise.
    "Look," he told her, "I'll get rid of this cigar if you get rid of the dog."
    "Fine!" the woman snapped, and the man watched in amazement as the woman opened the window, (somehow or other without causing any sort of trouble for the plane) and began to toss the dog out. Thinking that he had won, and knowing he had another cigar, the man chucked the cigar out of the window. Unfortunately for him the woman still had an tight grip on her dog and she pulled him back in the moment she thought the cigar was gone. As the dog came safely back into the plane both realized with astonishment that it had something in it's mouth. A brick.
     
  8. I have more!

    What do you call a couple guys sitting above a window?
    Curt and Rod

    What do you call a woman with equal legs
    Noleen

    What do you call a cow with no legs?
    Ground Beef

    What do you call a cat with no legs?
    Dog food
     
  9. My grandfather used to torment me with his crazy old man jokes.

    The worst, the WORST. The one I didn't get until FOREVER and I was all grown up:

    (Points at the wall) Look! There's a nail with meat on it!

    >:[ Took. me. forever.
     
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  10. A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, I can't serve a piece of string." The string goes outside, ties itself up and pulls its ends apart. It walks back in and the bartender says, "Wait, aren't you that string?" The string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot." :v

    And I am so sorry... I have probably played this gag out so badly, but here it is. My favorite clean joke:



    Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The P is silent.

    Oh, and probably my favorite joke ever:

    [​IMG]
     
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  11. If your nose runs and your feet smell......

    You're built up side down.
     
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  12. The Higgs boson is a subatomic particle said to give all matter in the universe its mass.
     
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  13. I only have lame jokes and they may need some refining because they are translated from Hungarian, but here goes:

    These three ones are best told after each other:
    What do you call something that is big, has three sides, and is green?
    A big green triangle!

    What do you call something that is big, has four sides, and is yellow?
    A big yellow square!

    What do you call something that is small, spherical and red?
    A really messed up big, green cube.

    Some independent ones:
    What is red and bad for your teeth?
    A brick.

    The lion, the crocodile, the bear and the toad are sitting by a pond. Suddenly, the lion speaks up:
    "Hey, let's organise a party!"
    "YES! THERE WILL BE A PARTY!" Shouts the toad, but the others just ignore it.
    "All right. I will bring the food," says the bear.
    "YES! THERE WILL BE A PARTY AND THERE WILL BE FOOD!" Shouts the toad, but the others still ignore it.
    "Then I will bring the drinks," says the crocodile.
    "YES! THERE WILL BE A PARTY AND THERE WILL BE FOOD AND DRINKS!" Shouts the toad, who is really starting to annoy the others by now.
    "And I will bring some company," says the lion.
    "YES! THERE WILL BE A PARTY AND THERE WILL BE FOOD, DRINKS AND COMPANY!" By now, the animals are really annoyed, so they sigh and say.
    "And let's just leave this stupid green thing here."
    To which the frog only responds:
    "YES! THERE WILL BE A PARTY AND THERE WILL BE FOOD, DRINKS, COMPANY AND THE CROCODILE IS NOT INVITED! YES!

    A gang of robbers decide to print false money, but they can not do it succesfully. As such, they decide that their next move will be printing a 150-dollar note. They successfully print it and give it to one of their team to buy a bolt, which costs exactly one dollar. A day goes by, and nothing happens. Two days go by, and there is still nothing. Finally, on the evening of the third day, the team member shows up, skipping along and hopping.
    "Did it work?" asks the gang leader hopefully.
    "Yes! I got back three 3-dollar notes and one 140-dollar note!"

    Again a series:
    Two waffles are talking:
    "I applied to a famous university."
    "And did you get accepted?"
    "Are you stupid? I am a waffle!"

    Two waffles are talking:
    "Are you stupid?"
    "Of course not. I just got accepted to a famous university!"

    Two donuts are talking in a university cafeteria:
    "Did you know that a waffle got accepted here?
    "Really? I thought waffles were stupid."

    Two stupid people are talking:
    "I applied to a university."
    "Did you get accepted?"
    "No, but I ate two waffles!"

    Two universities are talking:
    "Only stupid people are attending here now."
    "Like you can talk. I just had to accept two donuts and a waffle."
     
  14. On a related note, this one was proven incorrect but I still find it funny.

    "I'm sorry, we don't serve faster-than-light particles here," the bartender says.
    A neutrino walks into a bar.





    Okay, here are some that are unexpectedly SFW:


    What do you call a black man who flies an airplane?
    Show Spoiler
    A pilot. Obviously!


    How did the black kid get into Harvard?
    Show Spoiler
    Hard work and perseverance.


    Here's a riddle.
    The pope has one, but he's not allowed to use it.
    Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one, and uses it a lot.
    Madonna doesn't have one at all.
    What is it?
    Show Spoiler
    A last name.




    And some that I loved as a kid:

    A little snake slithers up to his mother and asks "Mommy, are we poisonous*?"
    "Why, of course we are honey. Why?" The mommy snake answers.
    "I just bit my tongue!"
    *scientifically correct term is venomous

    A man walks into a bar. Ouch!
    A guy walks into a club. Oww, that's the same spot I hit on that bar a minute ago!

    Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?
    It's two tired(too tired).

    So, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are standing on top of a magic cliff. Whatever thing you yell as you jump off of the cliff, you will be magically transmogrified into.
    So the brunette jumps off, yells "Bird", and soars away as a majestic eagle.
    The redhead jump off next, yells "Cat", and lands on her feet as a beautiful tigress.
    The blonde trips while running, sprains her ankle, and rolls off yelling in pain "Oh, crap".

    Another blonde joke:
    So a blonde finds a magical lamp, and a genie pops out and gives her three wishes. Now, this blonde is smart, so she thinks about it really carefully before answering "I wish I was the most beautiful, famous, and rich woman in the entire world!" And poof, there she stands, rich, famous, and beautiful. Then she wishes for a husband who is incredibly handsome, also filthy rich, and will love her and dote on her for the rest of her life. Poof! There's the husband.
    Now, she's got everything she wants already, so she decides to save the last wish in case of an emergency. A few days later she's driving down the highway in her new pink convertible, as happy as she's ever been. So she starts singing along to the radio, and when the advertisements come on, she sings along to those jingles, too.
    "Oh I wish I was an Oscar-Meyer wiener..."
     
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  15. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
    Russel

    What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs on a barbecue?
    Patty

    What do you call a cow during an earthquake?
    Milkshake

    What do you call a cow with three legs?
    Lean Beef

    Ever hear of the joke about the pencil?
    Aah, nevermind, it's pointless

    All I can think of at the moment. xD
     
  16. A guy with no arms and no legs in front of the door?
    Matt

    A guy with no arms and no legs in the pool?
    Bob

    Knock-knock.
    Who's there?
    Not Matt or Bob.
     
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  17. Why won't a bike stand on its own?
    It's two tired.

    What did the fish say when he ran into a wall?
    Dam.

    Why did the picture go to jail?
    It was framed.

    What gets bigger the more you take away?
    A hole.

    What's the fastest way to tell the sex of someone?
    Look in their genes.
     

  18. It's funny cause it makes the joke sound like it's going to be racist, implying that Black folks can't do those things normally cause of their wackiness, but the punchline is that it isn't! Yay! I get humor stuff!
     
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  19. I see, I see, says the blind man to his deaf son.
     
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  20. This reminds me of one I heard a while back that went: "I see," said the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw.
     
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