PG-rated jokes! This means no swears, sexuality, racism, or other offensive themes; I want jokes I can tell in front of my BF's 11-year-old sister! My personal favourites: Where did the general hide his armies? In his sleevies! -*- A pirate is in a bar, he has an eyepatch, a peg leg, and a hook. An admiring young sailor comes over and says "Golly mister! How did you get your pegleg?" "Arr me lad, it were blowed off in a cannon fight, it were" "Wow! How did you get your hook?" "Arr me lad, t'were cut off in a fight with the King's men, it were!" "Amazing! And one more question sir; how did you get your eyepatch?" "Seagull poop" "...What? Seagull poop knocked out your eye?" "Nay lad, it only landed on me cheek. But y'see, t'were the first day with me hook!" -*- Did you hear the joke about the three holes in the ground? ... Well, well, well! -*- What's brown and sticky? A stick -*- What's red, and smells like blue paint? Red paint -*- What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot -*- What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt! -*- How does batman's mom call him in for his evening meal? DinnerdinnerdinnerdinnerdinnerBATMAAAAN! -*- What kind of pants do the Mario brothers wear? Denim denim denim! -*- A man is stranded in the countryside; his car is turned over in a ditch. Finally, just as he is about to start walking for it, a farmer shows up with a horse and plow. "Don't worry" the farmer says "Buddy and I will pull you out!" So he hitches the horse to the car and calls "PULL, DONALD!" The horse stands still "PULL, JACK!" The horse stands still "PULL, DANNY!" Still the horse is motionless "PULL BUDDY!" The horse gives a great heave and drags the car out of the ditch. "Thanks so much!" the traveller says "But why did you call him the wrong name three times?" "Well" says the farmer "Buddy here is blind, and if he thought it was just him, he wouldn't even try!" -*- A man wants to get into a fancy restaurant, but they won't admit him without a necktie. So he goes back to his car and all he can find for a tie is some jumper cables. So he fashions them into as best a necktie as he can manage and goes back to the door "Now will you let me in?" he asks The doorman eyes him down and sighs "Okay" he says "Just don't start anything"