What's Wrong with You?

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Persephone, Feb 19, 2015.

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  1. Disclaimer: I don't think this is a rant. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I'm not angry at anything in particular, or actually angry at all. More like a letting out of rambling thoughts. Anyway, let the show begin. This may also sound a bit desperate for attention and self-deprecating at first, but it gets better...I hope.

    "What's Wrong with You?" I've probably been asked that by others a lot, and I've probably asked myself that as well. The other people however, may have been slightly more subtle with it than I am with myself. You see, I'm not a nice person. Well, I am at heart, but other than that sweet center, I'm a baseness degenerate. That didn't really sound right. Whatever. I don't know why I'm writing this, really. Maybe it's the lack of social contact that has ensued due to being enclosed in a hotel room while my mother and I wait for the people that our landlord hired to fix our kitchen to hurry shit up and get it done. Maybe it's the fact that I've been off my meds for a couple of days now and my anxiety is coming up on top of the issues with the hotel and shit. Maybe it's cause I don't have internet connection worth a damn at this fucking hotel. I dunno.

    Anyway, I'm getting off topic with all these maybes. Now then. What is wrong with me, you ask? Well then, let's list the ways in which I suck, since I'm a bastard of many shades. I could go into heavy detail about this, with paragraphs on paragraphs of explanations of how I'm a degenerate bastard, but that would require me to let every unpleasant thing about me into the light, and as they say, ignorance is bliss, so I'll keep it short and succinct.

    I'm a racist. I'm also a lecher. I'm greedy, I'm wrathful, I'm a horribly insensitive bastard, and best of all? I made myself into this creature of pure malice in only a few short years. Of course, every man has his own flaws. This is where the epiphany comes, my friends. You see, I'm a horrible human being, and as much as the part of me that relishes in my own degeneracy wants to ignore it, I find my condition abhorrent. I'm supposed to be a bastard with a heart of gold, not a caustic creature of pure hate and bile. I'm on the road to hell, and it isn't paved with good intentions in any way, shape, or form. Funny that. I embrace my sins as a faithless person, and I come to realize my sins will destroy me. Cause, to be honest, what makes me a good person, is exactly the opposite of what makes me a bad person. This isn't a plea for help or anything like that. It's a recognition of what's awful about this version of me. It's an exclamation that I need a complete paradigm shift. Stop reveling in my degeneracy and bile that has hurt me and others, and repress it into a lighter form. Try being nicer for a change. Express myself more. Stuff like that.

    Become the person that I was meant to be from the start. Whatever that means.
    /end rambling
    Great, now I feel like I just mulled over posting all of this rambling shit for no damn reason.
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  2. You said it yourself, and only you can help yourself. (Well, maybe a therapist wouldn't hurt.)

    You remind me a lot of the character Greyson Todd from Juliann Garey's Too Bright to Hear Too Loud to See. He was an asshole. Of course, his behavior stemmed from his bipolar disorder, causing him to lash out destructively at those around him. More frequently, he was very apathetic towards the entire world. Maybe you should read the book, as it could give you some self-insight. Also, watch that movie St. Vincent! I thought it was really good, and it shares a common theme of redemption with the book.

    Good luck, and I hope that you commit yourself to becoming a better person.
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  3. Well you've already acknowledged it and expressed a desire to change it which is the most important step.

    There's not much more to say after that other than go out there and make yourself the person you want to be.
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