Mid twenties and some days I feel like a strong portion of the people I converse with on a daily basis never left their teenage years; incapable of honesty, straightforwardness and most of all incapable of comprehending others emotions. What I hate most about it, is when you have somebody lead you on and on only to have the most cliche words spoken to you when you express your feelings, "Oh, as a friend." Truly trifling words I've come face to face with again and again. So instead I find my solace in being alone anymore. Times I feel that too many are destined to face this trivial madness over and over again. Though it may be self pity "Oh poor poor me" it feels like an occurrence which is much to often. To drift over the same fields of desire only to view the same pitiful selfish wants of others. To damn young to become bitter over such an arbitrary issue I know many face in their lives and I know I've so much time in front of me to encounter others who may step outside this ring of madness and this carousel of emotional tides. It's like a trap, though I've yet to see whether I set myself up to fall right in or if I've simply bad tastes in women. Whatever the case, it's heart wrenching each time. One can only do so much to give, but this road has become like a one way street rather than a road of supreme compromise in understanding the underlying thoughts and hopes of another; to much given but to little received for the effort. Imagine if you will, that you've been chasing somebody for the longest time. So much done, so much love given and always you are given the friendship one seeks, but never deeper 'nor stronger. Friendship is good and I never wish to lose a friend; but when you uncover the deeper thoughts of that person through conflict and find that all your effort is for naught, it truly leaves an impression upon the heart. After years of doing everything you can and it finally coming down to a simple question, you're given an answer which shatters not only your emotion, but effectively kills all the hope you invested into that person. Imagine somebody saying that they fell for your brother after knowing them for but a month after you've vested so much into them over years. What can one do? What's even more traumatizing is the fact that your sibling, your very twin avoids you afterwards, knowing the effort you've put in was swiped away. They run off and marry, against the advice of others only for that to crash and burn after but a few months. Then, after all is said and done they dare to return with a heart of pity and a shoulder to rest their head on. What do you do? Do you offer your shoulder because they were once a friend? Or do you turn with a cold heart and deny them, despite all that which you were once willing to offer because of their massive mistake? Was it truly a mistake though? Was it not a lesson learned of the harsh reality of human relationships and the toll it can take on some souls? You see them months later, pregnant with a bastard child of some unknown father, you walk by them on the sidewalk and don't say a word. Both continue opposite directions and from that moment on, you don't hear from the person again for yet another period of years... they call out of the blue with so much to say, but then you've become the one who can't listen, you do everything opposite now. You aren't willing to give a thing to this person for they took something important from you and handed it back used and soiled. It's a sad sense of both betrayal and self-loathing intertwined into something I wish not to imagine, yet it remains at the forefront of the mind. It was during this period you observe others around you. You find yourself observing couples to heavily, trying oh so desperately to find what it is you missed. You see some who are unhappy with each other much of the time, yet they persist and you can't find even the most simple answer as to why. I know it isn't so simple, but even then finding an answer is like solving trigonometry while chewing a thick bland piece of gum. It's distracting and difficult. I don't want to give up, I truly don't. But these days I find myself attracted, but only to rev up my thoughts more than I should, over thinking things; only to be let down when new information shatters any hopes of simply asking that question of 'dinner' or 'going out'. You begin noticing an over-developed sense of fear growing like a tumor on the side of those thoughts of love, romance and the idea of simply having somebody who may go beyond that of a friend, a partner. In these November days, when the cold bites my skin and races over my brittle lips do I find myself remembering November pasts of yesteryear. Only to think too heavily on the past traumas without having the ability to find someone new and refreshing in what sometimes seems like a myriad sea of prying eyes and judgmental looks. Whether it be paranoia or a lack therefore of either pride of confidence, I feel I've finally begun to lose myself. Again it has happened, to find myself in that cliche place so many have dubbed "the friend zone." You pour yourself into somebody only to have it handed back with an awkward smile and a let down sense of regret in even trying. Why is it that I must torture myself with something which should be so simple, yet has become a harder task than hiking over a mountain or solving a difficult riddle? Each failure seems to make this road longer and yet I bit of hope sinks in. I'll think to myself, "That road may stretch and stretch, but one day I can only hope that I'll finally travel that road and reach that sought after destination I've longed for. When I finally accomplish and win that damned road, it will be worth the time, effort and love. But how?" I have had some good relationships with some of the finest woman I've had the pleasure to be with, but only for short periods of time before something causes a rift. Whether it be some personal issue or otherwise, I'm unsure. I've dated only six women in my life, five of which felt the need to seek relations with somebody else before breaking it off, which only makes it all the more painful. I am well aware that I have become jaded over the course of this and do my best to leave that far from the forefront of my mind, but it has become weighted and hard to move these days. These days the only place I can ever find some minuscule bit of love is when I write and escape for short moments at a time. When I can sink deep within my own fantasy world and escape the grim reality I once thought to be grand and truly beautiful. Though I still see beauty, I now see it is wrought with so much callous decay and acts of selfishness. In the mind of somebody who has been repeatedly told of mental illness, bipolar disorders, aspergers, autism and other seemingly inconsequential mental illness, I question sometimes if I really am socially disoriented from some chemical imbalance beyond my control or if I've just been made to believe them to be true. But today, I cannot tell right now whether I've broken my own heart or if that person from years ago finally reached back in and pulled that fragment loose and caused it to crash. Years of mending to be undone by the voice of a deceiver; one who claimed some false love for so long only to place their love elsewhere and then they wish to return it after too much pain. Have I done what I experienced from others for so long? No, it was beyond that. I lost a person I once loved, I lost a friend and I've lost my only brother all because of my extreme desire which started as the need for love but has now ended with the wanting to be alone. It's a burn I care nothing for, yet I must suffer through it because I now feel I must suffer what I have wrought. Oh the damned tides drift back out to sea and I only see the skeletons left of what I once aspired to be.