Well, suppose it was BOUND to happen

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Original poster
Alright, here goes.

I just had a great night, but my great nights lately always seem to end in me getting fucking sad right before I go to bed...the reason?

I'm lonely...Fucking lonely... It's not like I don't have any friends, I've got a couple good ones, both on the internet and in RL. But at the moment I really MISS that special someone in my life. Someone I can cuddle against, someone I can tell my worries, my fears and my secrets without being laughed at. Someone I can just be in a same room with without speaking without it being uncomfortable.

well...I suppose you get it.

Slowly I'm starting to get convinced I must be doing something wrong, I'm not ugly, I don't (generally) look unkempt, and my personality doesn't seem to be an issue either. So my head just keeps spinning around this topic "what could be wrong? what is wrong with me?"

Could be the Aspergers syndrome, but...Other aspies manage to find girlfriends...so it can't be THAT big a deal...

Then there's the fact that I'm slightly introverted...but I meet new people just fine...so that can't really be it either...

And so on...And so on...

Then there is the jealousy over what others have but what seems to be an impossibility for me. Especially in spring, couples are EVERYwhere...flirting, Kissing, halfway fucking each other in the clubs and bars...It pisses me the FUCK off, because I WANT that too damnit! And I KNOW that's being hypocritical, but I don't care >.>

Bringing my thoughts up in conversation doesn't yield much results either..."One day, you'll find someone." "It just takes time." Or my personal 'favorite' "You shouldn't be looking for a relationship, just let it come."

It's the kind of useless 'advice' that really doesn't do SHIT for me...because I've heard it before, and it's obviously just meant as a comforter or just pure bullshit. Of course, the sentiment is appreciated, but sentiment has gotten me very little over the years.

It's gotten to the point I've almost given up hope...

On a not entirely unrelated note: My virginity status has me so frustrated a scream from the highest tower using the loudest megaphone wouldn't be sufficient to get rid of it. With me being affected by the seasons more than most people, spring makes it just that tad worse and gets me all riled up with no where to go.

Fuck, masturbation only gets you so far, and even THAT gets boring after 3 times in a single day.

I'm also not the type to pay for sex, it just seems like it would be an advanced form of masturbation, with none of the emotional attachment and trust that supposedly makes sex so special.

All in all my mind is in a fucked up state right now, and the only way I can get it to stop is to tire myself out so much that I fall asleep DESPITE my brain activity, causing some fucking twisted dreams to remember when I wake up.

I don't WANT to be thinking of either love or sex every 2 seconds of the day...I want to be one of those lucky bastards who get with a girl they like and seemingly take it for granted...

I just want for my GODDAMN MIND to stop going in fucking circles and driving me crazy to the point of desperation...

Is that so bad?

/end rant
I completely understand ya bro, same here. You aren't alone in that aspect. No need to really say more.
It ain't bad at all, man.

So here, let me try a stab at this counseling thing. Maybe it'll help?

What you need to do is, simply put, stop caring about it so much.

Let's start with your virginity. Having or having not stuck your dick into a woman doesn't make you any more or any less of a man. It's simply something you have or haven't done. That's all. Is it fun? Oh yeah. But... that's it. It's like complaining about having not been on a roller coaster. It's hella fun, but in the end, it doesn't really matter. It shouldn't matter. And you're thinking way too hard about it, and making way too big a deal of it.

Don't worry about it, dude. Mellow out. And don't be embarrassed by it. Too many people make a big deal out of it. Again, it's not.

Second, what's probably going on is that you... Simply put, reek of desperation. You might be the nicest, coolest dude a chick's met in a given time span, but if you're desperate for a relationship, she'll know it, dude. Chicks smell that stuff a mile away. That's why people tell you, "don't look for it, let it come to you!" It's the really nice way of saying "stop being so desperate."

With that said, don't think I'm trying to be mean or a hardass. I'm not; I'm simply being blunt. I'd respect someone being straight-forward with me, so I'm hoping you'd be able to at least appreciate the fact that I'm truly just trying to share with you, to the best of my knowledge and experience.

Basically, stop putting so much... credit, into sex and relationships. Are they a part of life? Sure are. But they're not end all, be all of your emotional stability and happiness. Let me put it another way: before someone can love you, you must love yourself. Probably not your problem, you seem like someone that has a healthy dose of esteem. But doesn't hurt to be reminded of it, yeah?

Also, as funny as this may sound (and cliche`d as it may be), you kind-of sound like you're "putting the pussy on a pedestal". STOP IT. Again, it's not that big of a deal! When the time comes, it'll come. You just have to be smooth, relax, and allow it to organically arrive. Stop trying to manufacture it.

I hope I'm making a little bit of sense here, dude. I'm really just trying to help, and honestly, this bit of advice was some of the best, when I was in your shoes.
The problem is...How does one STOP being desperate?

it's really hard to not be desperate when desperation is basically the name of the game...

Also...Virginity...yeah...no big deal...I can rationalize it away...but that's not how I FEEL...I can't just say..."meh...sex...don't really care either way." Everyone talks about it, it's in commercials, on shows, it's literally everywhere all around me indoctrinating my mind with the fact that..."hey dude...have YOU had sex yet?"

Of the two issues, sex is the lesser one though...it's just that my desires seem to be a little out of control sometimes lately...and that scares me.
You're only human bro, I'm not going to fault you for any of what you feel, or think. Nor will I say, "READ WHAT I TYPED AND FOLLOW IT TO A T!" It's only a bit of advice; that's all.

I understand what you mean. I even empathize, and heavily. I mean, you've seen me type in the cbox; I'm a horribly perverted freak! But seriously... the best way to deal with it is to stop giving it so much credit.

I feel you, when you say it's everywhere. It really is. Something you can do though, is to... Well, spiritually work at yourself. Sounds kind of wild, but hear me out. Meditate on it, take your mind to a higher place. Y'know? Transcend the need for it 'cause, really, there is no need. It's a want, and desire.

Hell, I don't know; maybe realizing that it's nothing more than a want is a step in the right direction, yeah?
it's just that my desires seem to be a little out of control sometimes lately...and that scares me.
Totally relate with that one. And just about everything you wrote in this thread.

Well, except for the whole sexual propaganda part. Singapore has less interest and broadcasting in regards to sex, even in the media (Singapore, not Asia, because that includes, ahem, Japan).

And then there's another part I don't relate with, that is the whole having good friends part. Oh, I have real life friends, but all of them are meh. None of them are close. But I got over that, and I got over the whole notion of being a 20 years old single/virgin, too. How? Well, the way I solved it is simple, but impractical: I numbed myself.

It took a long time, a really long time, for me to get past being an emo about loneliness and not having very close friends to 'share my feelings with.' In fact, I might still be mobbing now, because I still don't have friends that close. It sucks, really, I know.

But then, I started not to care, much. I just go with the flow in my life nowadays (albeit what I talked to you about the other day). I watch anime, I surf the web, I chat with online friends, I do whatever it takes to get me the enjoyment to numb myself. But that doesn't mean I just kicked my real life and RL friends out of the way. I just go with it. When I get back to school and they talk to me, I'll just talk back and try to flow in with whatever conversations they are talking about, like how I converse with you guys.

In short, I don't care about how my friends are feeling or whether I should care about them or not. They are just there to converse with me. That's how I survive.

Selfish, but there you go.
Myrn, sweetheart! I'm so sorry you're going through this shit.

Also, Seji is right, women can sense desperation. The thing is, desperation, as you are familiar with the fact that it's hard NOT to be desperate, given the situation. The thing is, some of the "fairer" gender isn't fair at all about that.

I know how you feel because for a long time, I kinda felt like that. I felt like I needed someone. I had no friends, save for one. And I found out she was rotten. But in dealing with the shit I went through, it makes me more understanding, and, it will be somewhat similar when you get out of this too.

A couple of my good guy friends a desperate. I became friends with them, and then they'd tell me how they had feelings for me. I declined, but I've been trying to help them ever since. Believe me, don't be like them and jump at EVERY chance. Analyze, make sure that if you find someone, they better be good. I'm not talking about in the sack. I mean morality.

Some women can seek out a desperate man and play with him like he was a toy. It's one of the reasons I don't have many friends of my own gender.

I am sorry that you're going through this, I wish I could help you. If you need anyone to talk to about this more, you can always talk to me, ok?
You spoke my mind there, Myrn.

I feel 100% the same. And I fucking hate summer when all the happy people are on display.

What broke it all for me was a woman - a strong woman, who saw something in me that I didn't see in myself.

So the whole "you have to love yourself first" and "women can smell desperation" - I'm not sure. Maybe it's true, but here's a counter-claim.


They're not retards. They won't give up on you just because you have a hard-on. And applying all these rules to them like they're fucking slot machines is just insulting. There's no formula.

The woman who took my virginity thought I was amazing and fell in love with me, and I still don't have a fucking clue why. I didn't win her, I didn't "learn to love myself", I didn't "stop reeking of desperation". I stumbled blindly into it and somehow it worked out.


So it's like I always say - life throws surprises at you when you least expect it. There are no formulas, just a billion combinations that you've got to keep trying. So the only thing you're doing wrong is using these few experiences to create universal rules.

At your age, a lot of people don't know what they want. As they get older, they tend to realise how precious life is and how easily intimacy could slip away from them.

It gets better. End of story.

So get pissed off, but don't waste too much time. When you find a clear moment amongst the haze of other people shoving it in your face, use it, or you'll regret it. Because that special someone is out there and maybe she's had the same childhood as you and is now all alone. And maybe your paths are set to cross.

So when you get her, remember this day and all this shit, and don't ever take that girl for granted.
Thank you guys...

I mean it. Especially TK's and Asmo's posts are, if not enlightening per sé, a great morale boost.

I must say I have had a habit in the past of 'clinging' to the first girl to have a friendly word for me. Luckily I've outgrown that stage, but it was good advice none the less, and perhaps something I SHOULD keep in mind regardless.

Asmo...you give me hope for the future. Your version of "it will come" puts things in an entirely different light...thanks again. I'll be sure to grab the moment when I recognize it :)
I dunno. I just asked any girl I thought was pretty out on a date after chatting them up for about a week.

The formula went as follows:

1) Met a cool chick.
2) Talked to her about whatever. Get her to laugh, enjoy talking with me, etc.
3) Ask them out on the weekend. Went for a light dinner a nice but not fancy restaurant and just talked about anything and everything. Conversation is the key. Silence is the enemy one first dates.

I think the fastest I ever ran was 3rd base on the first date after talking to the girl for a grand total of 5 days. But she was six years younger than me, probably trying to impress me, and definitely was crushing on me hard (which I learned from one of her friends after the fact).

Generally, I don't get anywhere near as lucky on the first date and certainly never made home base on one.

The issue is to get out there and start with the flirting, start with the dating, get to meet some fine feminine friends. If you mope and hang back, nothing changes. Waiting for life to throw something at you gets you nothing but a date with Rosie Palms.

Seize opportunity. If you can't find one, then make one.
Well...everyone has said about everything I could have said and more...but Myrn, you're a good buddy of mine and I'd feel crummy not putting in my two cents.

First and foremost I understand where you're coming from. Several periods in my life have been dominated by the real sense of loneliness and general confusion as to what I could be doing wrong. Girls maintained that I wasn't repulsive, but there was some manner of invisible quality in themselves that wholesomely repelled me.

All in all, people are just confused. Building (or repeating) What Asmo said, most people on the high rise of early adulthood are completely overwhelmed by the myriad of new stimuli to deal with. Jobs, social life, health, and all the pretty trimmings that come with independent living tends to muddle up even the most stalwart of minds. Spring couples are a dime a dozen and fade as fast as the seasons. All in all, people are looking for ways to have fun...laugh, enjoy life, try not to worry about what the next paycheck will bring...or the point where they cross into a midlife crisis.

At this point, mate, all you need to do is get out there and be yourself. You're a stand up guy from all my experiences with you. You're funny, compassionate, and a damn intelligent fellow. The world will WAKE UP to you sooner rather then later...you just need to try and not sweat the small stuff and look up toward the next day. Build relationships with those you're interested in but don't despair when they turn their intimacy elsewhere. Life is about living and enjoying what we have. Friendships, relationships, breathing, and kicking back...all things come in time and for a guy like you...you'll have quite the opportunities to end up in soft arms in the future.

In the mean time...as I said, try to enjoy the swing of things.

I'm uglier then you and I ended up with Liz o.o That in itself should be the greenlight on positive outlook.