WRITING Useful Guides & Articles

Discussion in 'SHOWCASING' started by Kestrel, Jan 10, 2015.

  1. Disclaimer: these articles are written for entertainment purposes and not necessarily representative of my stance or perspective on the subject matter they discuss. Your sense of humour may differ from mine and that is okay. You are not obliged to read them and they even have fancy spoiler tags to ensure you don't accidentally do so.

    Super Guide to Super Suicide (open)
    Dear reader, because you've picked up this article, I assume you are interested in ending your life. That is totally swell with me. I'm not here to talk you out of it, I'm here to help you commit suicide the right way.

    Now of course you know that your suicide is going to leave a big impression on your family and (if you have any) friends; they may never really recover. A lot of people who vaguely knew you or were in the same school, or street, may be shocked too and perhaps a few sympathisers from far away. But those people will be over it in a week or two. Is this what you want? What will your suicide mean to the world if almost nobody is going to remember it?

    Statistics show that in 2005, within the United States, there have been 32,637 individuals to commit suicide. Around the world, a suicide happens every 16 seconds. How is your story going to jump out? If suicide becomes a statistic, with nothing but a small article in the local paper to tell us it happened, it is not spectacular. Certainly hanging yourself in your room may seem like a pretty terrifying idea at the time and cutting your wrists in bath will make your family never take one again, but won't your story be way bigger if you hang yourself on a traffic light where everyone can see it, or bleed to death in a public pool? Now that's starting to sound like something!

    Ideas may start flowing through your brain right now, but we're not quite there yet. So lay down your knives and ropes. We're going to cover a couple different aspects to committing a successful suicide.

    The Reason

    Everyone should have a reason to commit suicide; unless it is an accidental suicide, but you wouldn't need a guide for that. You want to connect your actual suicide to that reason; give your exit a theme.

    A big one is emotional pain or depression. A famous cause of emotional pain is the love interest... Who has broken up with you, or maybe you didn't even get that far. Either way, her rejection hurt so much you can no longer deal with it. Yet, you don't just want to rid yourself of this pain; you want to let your loved one know what you felt, before and after the rejection. You want to plaster it to her wall, you want to crucify yourself in her room while she's sleeping.

    Alternatively, you could swallow a highly explosive device, push the remote trigger after saying your goodbye and take that no-good-cheating-slut with you. Send your boss your head per express. Drink acid during chemistry class or wrap yourself in a deadly, yet homo-erotic manner around Jesus Christ's statue on Saturday night.

    While emotional reasons are swell, logic-based reasons are also popular. Protest against a movement has been a big reason for suicide in the past. Sometimes people commit suicide to escape worse fates, or their shame. Among many historic figures, Hitler (for example) committed suicide. These actions are always made as statements, so carry more power than others. However this also means that going over-the-top with suicide for logical reasons may have an undesired effect.

    Drugs and alcohol can influence one's decision to commit suicide. Impulsive behaviour under the influence can stretch to extreme ends. This doesn't necessarily mean that giving your uncle a beer and a knife will leave a blood mess on your couch (Please don't quote me on that; shit happens.), but if you easily get depressed or 'real funny' from drinking, you might want to consider emptying out your fridge and having a couple sober friends around whenever you go bar-hopping. Unlike most things, killing yourself won't be half as funny or meaningful when drunk.

    Methods to Commit Suicide

    There are many ways to take your own lives, you can do pretty much anything. I know someone who took her own life with the help of nothing but a paperclip and a picture of her ex-boyfriend. She McGyvered that shit. However not everyone is that creative, so here are a few ones to think about.

    An old classic is hanging oneself. All you need is a rope and something stable to tie it up to. It is easy to do and very cheap too. Another popular method is shooting yourself with bullets from a gun. If you live in the States it is relatively easy to get hold of a gun too. Poison is another common way of taking your own life and should be easy to get hold of it. Many household items are lethal when consumed.

    If you would want to make your suicide more shocking, you could electrocute yourself. This is especially effective if you have a heart condition, and if you fail dying the first time, chances are you'll have a heart condition afterward. Jumping from height is another surefire way to say goodbye; which is why, although it accounts for less than 2% of suicides in America, it is a very popular method in many Asian countries.

    Drowning yourself is a hard way to die. Filling the bath-tub isn't too hard, but when you're running out of breath your survival instincts will kick in. Suffocation fucks with your mind and can be equally difficult without an exit-bag (Google it).

    Starvation and dehydration are methods that take a lot of willpower and patience. However, they fulfill a very symbolic function and, should you starve yourself for a reason, it is easy to lure in the media and get a lot of attention. Another good way to get a point across is by burning yourself to death. Who doesn't want to become the next Thích Quảng Đức? (Don't sweat the pronunciation.)

    If you're feeling a little oriental, perhaps you're a weeaboo (Hey, I don't know who reads this guide.) you might want to Seppuku. You may have to arrange a wakizashi (short sword) and a kimono (traditional robe). Also, instead of a farewell note, you'll have to write a poem about your death (use your sense of rhyme and you'll be fine). The idea is to stab yourself in your abdomen and cut from left to right. If you're still alive, make a second slightly upward cut. If you really want the full package; get a friend to almost behead you afterward, without having your face roll over the floor.

    Suicide by vehicular impact is effective in that it traumatises, maims or kills at least one person. Besides getting hit by a car, you can also use your own to commit suicide. You can park your car on the railway quite nicely, because trains have really bad breaks. It is also a sight to behold, crashing into a train, which brings me to...

    Explosions. Explosions are an awesome way to go. Blow something up, do massive damage to your area, the whole shebang. Make sure to video-tape it too, albeit from a distance so the camera doesn't get caught in the blast. You're likely to become an internet sensation real fast if you do. Technically speaking, it is a little harder, but materials for a bomb can be bought without awkward questions and instructions on how to construct them can be found online. So if you're a bit handy, can calculate a bit of distance and want to go out with a bit of a bang, explosions might just be the way for you!

    The Method You Want

    Most suicides in the states are committed through the use of fire-arms, whereas in Hong Kong it is most popular to jump off a building. Both methods are excellent ways to schedule a meeting with your maker, but which one has more impact on your surroundings?

    The Chinese have obviously picked the more memorable method. Imagine that you're coming home late. Maybe you've had to work overtime again or maybe you've been crying in a corner and lost track of time. In any case, you're tired, you're frustrated and suddenly trip over something! Coincidentally you shave off a part of your skin on the asphalt, so, conveniently you won't have to cut yourself tonight. However, that is not the point. As you look back, you see what you tripped over. It is a remainder of the body of a man! Yikes! That's a good scare! You run away in terror; leaving the corpse there to scare the living hell out of someone else. This man can cause multiple people a lifelong trauma in one, single night.

    In short, you want maximum impact to go along with your reason.


    So how do you commit suicide by jumping? It seems easy enough. Write your goodbye note, run away from home, enter a skyscraper and run up all the stairs. Or take the lift if you're lazy or a fat fuck. Once on the roof, you take a sprint to the edge and jump, yell "Allez oup!" and voila; suicide.

    However, there's a lot of things here that can go wrong. First of all, you won't get into a skyscraper unless it is day. That means there will be people at work. If you take the lift up to the roof with your painted, black hair and running emo make-up while you're listening to SoaD for the last time; people are going to get suspicious. There are simple ways to avoid such suspicion. Comb your hair, pick out a nice blouse or sweater, wear your most casual, charming smile and put on a nice odor. You need to dress for success.

    That, and elevators don't go to the roof.

    You'll also want a water-proof excuse. If someone asks you why you're going to the roof, take a camera with you and tell them you want to make pictures of the view. If you tie a rope somewhere in public, tell people it is for an art-project. If you're nervous, try methods that don't have people ask. Fiddle with the camera in your hands or put up big, fake promotion signs. A lot of things go, as long as you make it look like something a lot of people would support.

    Suicide is a scary thing you can't fully rehearse. I know you commit successful suicide only once, but it is really embarrassing to fail your first attempt. So it is in your best interest to prepare. Make sure the gun is loaded, don't tie yourself to a thin branch and, for Heaven's sake, don't set yourself on fire in the rain.


    You have picked your reason, your method and laid out your plans perfectly. Your gun is loaded, you found a good solid branch and checked the weather reports. Today is the day, you walk out whistling to the latest Fallout Boy, cocksure you're going to succeed.

    If only it were that easy.

    To help yourself, please try not to think of why you are doing what you do. Much like a job, you can actually commit suicide without too much thought about the how and why and still be good at it. Dispatch your emotional attachment to the task; it will only make it harder. Consider it a menial, physical task instead of a mental test. Don't be scared, just do it.


    Now that we have covered the reasons, methods, preparation and execution, I hope you have gathered enough information to kill yourself successfully. No matter why and how you do it, I wish you the best of luck and hope to see you in hell.


    Having A Gigantic Ego (And You) (open)
    “I feel awesome about myself today. I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm good-looking and my reproductive organ is massive! (or at least above average)”

    Is the a thought or feeling you frequently have? Do you feel you are better than other people? Do you think you're on top of the world? Do you frequently yell catch-phrases like “That's what she said!” Then this article might just be something for you.

    Having a gigantic ego often runs people into trouble. Having a huge ego myself, I too have frequently ran into these issues. I cannot explain why exactly, it just happens. What I can do is help you to deal with trouble specific to people with gigantic egos. Today's topic is friendship.

    Everyone is against me!

    That feeling is something you recognise? Don't sweat it; it's true. The world is jealous of you, but as great as you may be; you can't just pull a Scott Pilgrim. Sure, deep down everyone secretly wants to be your friend, but they may feel intimidated by your grandeur, or even unworthy.

    To tackle this issue, you must fool people into thinking you're on their level; you must learn to fake humility. Humility is an ancient concept treasured by religion and philosophy. It means being respectful and modest, but in your case it means giving your would-be peers more credit than they deserve and listen to their petty meanderings. You must nurture them, for with your great power comes a great responsibility.

    Let's take a game of Call of Duty for example. It is a rainy november day and you're inside playing some matches on xbox live. Your team is, as always, filled with noobs who ruin everything. It is a sad truth, but even noobs can be lucky or cheap. If your team wins, pay them a compliment. Sure, you did all the work and would have gotten the most kills weren't it for your laggy connection, but it'll make them feel better about themselves and like you. Who knows; you might make your first friend since kindergarten this way.

    Maintaining feeble friendships

    Now that you have made the first step to establishing a bond with another human being, you must nurture it. Aside the illusion of humility, you will need to learn how to fake interest. Here's a few phrases to get you started:

    “How are you doing?” A common greeting. Friends may ask how you are too and after this you can get a conversation rolling.

    “What's wrong?” Is a phrase you can use when people are not doing fine. This is where it becomes tricky, because people may tell you about their problems. More about this later.

    “Nice weather we're having.” Is absolutely meaningless by itself, but has a secondary effect. It actually means “I want to break this silence.” Controversy, when the weather is bad you can complain about it to keep a conversation going. There are specific ones for particular areas you are in, too. Gamers might ask about new releases. Fashion followers might ask about shoes. Sports nuts might ask about the recent game. Learn what keeps their feeble minds occupied and use that to your advantage.

    Finally there is “Goodbye.” Or the more modern; “See you later.” Friends expect to see you again and frequently. Even if you don't actually enjoy being around your friends, they like to think you do. These sentences express your acceptance of their future company, and fool them accordingly.

    Using these simple sentences will promote your interactions and help people to remain attached to you. Master them and you are well on your way to maintaining a real friendship.

    Advanced conversations

    Now that you have mastered the basics, it is time to move on to more complicated, but necessary, interactions. As discussed in the previous topic; sometimes friends are troubled. Of course their insignificant issues pale in comparison to yours, but people like to think what happens to them is important to you. Let's not pop their bubbles. Pay attention to what they say and get this particularly bothersome element of friendships over with.

    A common trick is to rephrase the problem in the form of a question and add the words “That's terrible.” For example: “You lost your job? That's terrible!” or “Your boyfriend broke up with you? That's terrible!” Additionally you can add “I'm so sorry for you.”

    After this, friends may need further support. Your ego may be unbreakable, but this doesn't go for everyone. You may be required to help fix their broken self-images, however misguided they may be. Unless you want to go through the entire ordeal of making new friends again; a doable, but fairly time-consuming option.

    Alternatively, if the situation is not dire nor depressing but your friend still requires confirmation, it might serve you well to add “That’s great!” instead. Make sure to practice not smirking and getting rid of your condescending tone while saying this. Some examples: “You fired that asshole? That’s great!” or “You broke up with your girlfriend? That’s great!”

    Which of the two you use depends on whether your friend requires compassion or encouragement. It’s a tough call to make, but someone has got to make it. A proper way to follow this up is often paying a compliment or reassuring that they will be okay. Don’t retract these two, but don’t push them either. Their feeble minds are already experiencing enough confusion; be wary not to overwork them.

    Beware that physical contact may be necessary at any point. It is hard to predict what will happen, but you may experience an embrace; or a face pressed against your chest or shoulder; wetting your shirt. Sadly, there is no easy way out of this without damaging the friendship. It is advised to remain passive until your friend no longer needs the contact. During this period you may want to touch their shoulder or back. Otherwise you could extend the crying; doing further damage to your shirt. Alternatively if you recognise a crying situation beforehand, you may proceed touching previously mentioned areas to engage the inevitable crying-phase early, hence saving valuable time that would otherwise have been wasted by listening.

    Differing opinions

    Friends are human and therefore have beliefs and opinions. These opinions can be right or wrong. These are easily distinguished; if a friend agrees with you they are is right, but if they disagree they are wrong. However, not everyone is aware of this fact. Friends may claim as much as differing opinions being equal, or could even go as far as to suggest yours is wrong.

    To dissuade such opinions, your first reaction might be to question the sexuality of the perpetrator, or to refer to the amount of sexual encounters you might have had with their mother. However this may be destructive to your carefully nurtured friendship. Instead you may want to attempt one or more of the following methods;

    Explain your opinion. Try to lower yourself to their level of understanding and see if they understand your views if you explain it using simple English. They may still be enlightened.

    Listen. Friends need, as discussed above, certain amounts of attention. Sharing their opinion can be one of these pleas for your acknowledgement of their existence. They don’t really disagree, they just want to be heard. Let them say their piece. It’ll be over soon.

    The above options do not always work, however. Sometimes you’re cornered by a persistence that makes you want to smite them all. This urge is understandable, but undesirable given the effort you’ve put in so far. Ultimately, you may be forced to use this final method; accept that your friends their limited mental capacity does not permit them to think on the same level as someone possessing your superior intelligence. Do not inform your friends of the mercy you're showing them, simply suggest to “Agree to disagree.” Then remember to never bring it up again.


    Differing opinions often lead to critique. Even if you agree to disagree. Dealing with this criticism looks difficult at first. How dares a puny commoner criticize a superior being such as yourself? It seems hard, I know, but dealing with critique is actually deceptively simple. One must remember that most are just that; puny commoners; so their opinion does not really matter. Nine out of ten times, you won’t have to do anything other than saying: “I didn’t realise. Thank you for telling me.” Smile, and go on with your life as if nothing ever happened.

    There are times when a criticism is repeated. This is also when criticisms become particularly bothersome. Your friends may want you to, I kid you not, actually change your ways.

    Preposterous as this may sound; their criticism often is based on what is beneficial during interaction with others on their level. While it certainly makes no sense to lower yourself there, it does make communications easier and doing this is like showing them wikipedia’s Simple English version. This makes them feel good about your friendship, believing that by accepting their criticism, you have forged a bond of understanding. Of course you don’t always have to do this, you could ‘respectfully disagree.’ This is similar to the priorly discussed ‘agreeing to disagree,’ but is not necessarily initiated by an argument.

    Alternatively, there might be situations in which you cannot help but to criticize your friends. This can be a lot more difficult. Before you speak up you must consider; is the desired change you suggest within their limited capacity, or is it simply asking too much?

    If you believe your criticism is reasonable, there is the subject of vocalising this. Egoes unlike your own are fragile and criticism is a subject that should be threaded carefully. If not; there might be an undesired backlash. Here follows an extremely effective method to giving criticism; something I like to call the ‘shit sandwich.’


    The science behind this is simple. Receiving a compliment puts a person in a state of mild euphoria, which makes them more receptive to criticism. This will ensure their egos are temporarily stable enough to deal with your feedback. You seal the deal with another compliment. In doing so you ensure there is no bitter aftertaste to your conversation. When a friend accepts your critique, this too, strengthens your relationship.

    Social gatherings and activities

    As your friendships grow stronger, your newly acquired comrades might enjoy spending time basking in your sublime presence. Sometimes you may want to do them the favour. There is an infinite number of social gatherings and activities you might come across, each with their unique challenges. We will discuss the most common ones.

    Birthdays. Of course it’s a given that everyone celebrates your continued existence, but as it turns out others assign this importance to lesser individuals as well. Contrary to environments you may be used to, birthdays are not competitions. It is frowned upon to bring up more interesting subjects, such as yourself, if it steals the spotlight from the birthday boy (or girl.) Sadly this means that you will not be the first person to be served birthday cake.

    During the course of a birthday, you may also be required to sing birthday songs. If there is a large amount crowd you can get away with lip-syncing, but if there is a small amount of people present it is expected that you sing along. Hiding your true feelings of disgust is mandatory. Before you jump into the deep singing, it might be beneficial to practice singing and smiling in the mirror.

    Clubbing (disclaimer: no baby seals are involved.) Assuming your legacy is between fifteen and thirty years old, a common social activity is clubbing. Clubbing means going to clubs to dance and drink. A warning in advance; the lightning will be poor, the music inferior to your collection, body-contact is inevitable and alcohol will be blurring your would-be peers vision in so that they may feel attraction to someone other than yourself (blasphemy, I know.) Also you will be expected to join in these activities. How on earth will you survive this social hellhole?

    Alcohol. Copious amounts of alcohol. The consumption of alcohol disorientates not only others, but may also affect you. This will make clubbing much more bearable and you might even begin to enjoy honouring others with your participation. There are some risks involved however, such as deprivation of otherwise graceful posture, turning of your stomach, more unwanted body contact, cooties, and worst of all; out-of-character pictures of your person. So perhaps this isn’t the best long term solution.

    You can either stand clubbing or you cannot. Fortunately, friends are expected to understand this preference and though might bother you from time to time to join, if you express your distaste without revealing the true nature of their favourite activity, you will likely be let off the hook without damaging your friendship.

    Sports. Physical activity is often used as bonding. It’s sweaty. It’s tiring. It’s time-consuming. However, you mustn’t look at sports like the chore they are, you must look at sports much like I taught you to look at a Call of Duty game. Losers don’t play to win, but to enjoy their selves. Even if everything is their fault, give them chances and pay them barely deserved compliments and encouragement. By strengthening your friendship and keeping up the morale, your team’s chances to win will increase, and so you come closer to achieving your goals also. Sports also incorporate criticism, which you’re also already equipped to deal with if you’ve read everything so far. Sports are perhaps the most exhausting, but not necessarily hardest social activity of all. No, that honour goes to...

    Holiday trips. The most challenging social activity of all; holiday trips. This is not an undertaking for the weak of heart. You will be in the company of your friends twentyfour seven. Or at least if your vacation lasts a week. You will be robbed of your privacy, your cleansing rituals after other social activities and while your mother’s basement might not be quite the fit for a king such as you; tents are worse. Way worse.

    Holiday trips, like clubbing, can be made easier with copious amounts of alcohol. However again, it is not the recommended solution to this problem. You will have to suffer through many activities, but there are small windows of opportunity to get some much-needed alone-time and admiration from locals.

    Holidays will often include beach days, lazy mornings and part clubbing. These are excellent times to sneak away to practice some solo-activities. Not masturbating… Well okay, maybe masturbating, but other noteworthy activities are getting your daily dose of video-games on your portable, posing in front your reflection, find a public place more worthy of housing you than your tent or just to be alone with your thoughts for a while to execute an emergency mind-cleaning ritual. All under the guise of taking a walk on the beach.

    The trick to getting proficient amounts of admiration in most foreign countries is money. Carrying money. Dress like a tourist and find poor people in a relatively safe neighbourhood. Popular tourist locations are hotspots for manipulatable salesmen. Flip a coin between your thumb and index finger and watch them jump through hoops and compliment your dashing, handsome appearance and the Michelangelo-masterwork that is your body. It’s like an arcade machine for compliments and it’d be a shame not to use it in these dark times.

    Ultimately though, these are but a few tips I can give you for any of these experiences. To completely guide you through this horrifying experience I would be required to dedicate an entire article to it.

    The rewards of friendship

    Now you might ponder whether all this hassle is really worth it. Is changing your (admittedly perfect) ways to suit others, in any manner beneficial to your life? Well, look at it this way; by touching these people their lives you are essentially making the world a better place. Why would you care about the world? Because it’s the one thing housing you and making it, even if ever so slightly, more worthy of doing so is a noble cause. By forging new connections, nurturing these connections, studying the more primitive psychologies and indulging in their rituals, you will learn to shape and mold this hostile world more to your image and comfort. Besides, I think that by the end of this article we’re close enough to be at a first name basis. We hold no secrets from each other. Making friends will also quell the agonising emptiness dwelling inside of you.

    Thank you for reading and the best of luck (even though you surely won’t need it) in your befriending ventures. For more life-tips for those with a gigantic ego, look forward to our next article.