Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by spell-weaver18, Jun 29, 2012.

  1. Azazel walked towards the polished gates of the Sapphire Castle, his cape which was made of black silk dyed black billowed out behind him like a cloud of darkness. At his waist was a sword, the hilt was made of blood red rubies the blade was Forged out of obsidian. He wore armor that was waxed and polished till it seemed to glow with a soft an eerie light off of its emerald surface. Carved into the breast-plate were intricate designs of battlefields. The pictures seemed to shift and it is said that in battle his armor depicts your death as it happens. As he walked across the famous Jeweled Bridge the gems themselves seem to fade in color with every step he took.

    As Azazel neared the gates they swung inward to reveal the center of the Sapphire Castle. The Sapphire Castle was that which you have never seen. Its outside is the most vivid blue you will ever see. All different shades and hues. During the day the castle could be seen all across Kamyla it was like a beacon for all those who resided there. The floor was a deep blue almost black the walls ere coated in a turquoise color. Across the center of the floor was a golden carpet carved into was the story of Kamyla.
  2. I'lll go over the broader points first, then go into the specifics.

    -You switch tense and perspective between the two paragraphs. While this is often a stylistic choice, it is also jarring. If you are going to start in third person limited past, it is best to keep in that tense and perspective for the duration of the introduction. Then, if you wish, you can change for the main body of the work and change back for the epilogue.

    -Try to avoid using "you" in describing things to the audience unless you are doing this consistently. An alternative is to use "one" instead, or to remark from the perspective and internal though of the character. I.E.: Azazel once again fixated upon the vivid blue of the castle, a color he had yet to see in architecture in any other world he'd walked.

    -Your descriptions get the point across. That's a good thing, but they also lack a certain rhythm and flow. There are a few easy ways to fix this, though it really just comes down to practice and knowing when to use some more advanced parts of speech and punctuation. I simply suggest practicing and reading a great deal.

    Now, on to the specifics.

    Let's start with the above sentence. "toward" is the proper form of that word for this sentence. In addition, you use black twice to describe his cape, which was likely just a simple oversight. The simile is a good, if common one. Sometimes, old cliches are the best and there is nothing wrong with using a few here and there. However, they should be like strong spice: just a pinch is enough. "which was made of black silk dyed black" is also a parenthetical, which means it needs to either stand apart with commas surrounding it, be included in parentheses, or be shortened and turned into adjective form and included between "his" and "cape" as something like "his dyed black silk cape". Finally, the use of the tense "billowed" makes the sentence awkward. You are presenting two distinct thoughts in one sentence. There are three solutions for this. You can either separate the two thoughts with a semicolon ; instead of the comma. Alternately, you can change the tense to "billowing". Contrary to how it might seem, this tense is actually correct for the usage of a complete phrase within another sentence in past tense. The final choice is to simply make these into two sentences, replacing the comma with a period, but that's a bit clunky.

    In this sentence, it is acceptable usage to admit the second and third "was". Forged should not be capitalized unless it is a magical and specifically named process in this instance. If it is, it should also be italicized, though that is stylistic choice.

    Try rearranging this one. "off of its emerald surface" is a bit clunky. "an" should be "and". You might try something such as "He wore emerald armor that was waxed and polished til its surface seemed to glow with a soft and eerie light." It just has a bit better rhythm and rids you of a couple pesky prepositions.

    Your next sentence is perfect the way it is.

    It seems a bit odd to add this bit of knowledge here. One way to get around it is to give the armor a name. Here's an example of something of my own. "She wielded the sword Kismet, known to scholars as the legendary lava blade." This is still a bit of a risky gambit and the best thing to do is to wait for a relevant moment to describe this happening. Remember, you are writing a story, not a character profile. Again, be careful with usage of "your".

    This one just needs a comma between "Bridge" and "the". Also, "seem" should be "seemed".

    You need a comma between "gates" and "they". The reason behind this is that the first part is a prepositional phrase type. I don't recall the exact name, sadly. If it would normally be at the end of the sentence but has been moved to the beginning, put a comma at the end of the phrase and then add the rest of the sentence. What I just wrote is a prime example.

    The next two sentences need to be changed to third person.

    This is a sentence fragment but not necessarily wrong. If used for occasional emphasis, a sentence fragment can be a useful tool. However, things like this are like star anise. Overuse can absolutely overwhelm the reader. Consider making it a part of the previous sentence using a colon : to add emphasis.

    You need a comma between "day" and "the". You also need a semicolon between "Kamyla" and "it".

    You need a comma between "blue" and "almost". You also need an "and" between "black" and "the". Finally, "ere" should be "were".

    You actually don't need the word "was" between "into" and "the". However, you may wish to say "woven with" instead of "carved into", seeing as a carpet is a textile.