Uncertain of a title...

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Rambunctious, Dec 27, 2014.

  1. I wasn't certain about the title, so I apologize for that and I also apologize for anyone who have felt, I suppose insulted or annoyed by this rant (I'm just sorry in general). My writing is rather informal for this one since I'm writing profusely without looking back.

    Lets start from where it all began. When I was born I had no disorders, I was a healthy child, physically and mentally. Well, now I question my mental health. During my childhood and today my father would constantly bash on me for being unintelligent, paunchy, or just being cantankerous. This has taken a large toll on my self-esteem and confidence. It has become difficult for me to do something without worrying about the outcome, my heartbeat going quickly whenever I shoot at a target worrying that I won't hit it, wearing shorts or sleeveless shirts without feeling as if everybody is whispering about my large arms or thighs, if I respond to a role-play or make a character form I worry that I did something wrong, or the constant worry about stuttering if I speak out loud in class and it'll come out horrendous. There is so much I worry about. I'm well-aware how stupid this sounds and how I should just get over what people think about me, but I CAN'T. I can't stop being anxious about everything! I've heard all the inspiring quotes, read all the life-changing stories about insecure people, everything! They don't change a thing about how I feel.

    Why did this happen? My father, that's what happened. I know I should love my father and respect him since he has taken care of me but I can't. I can't find myself caring about my father. I understand that is strong for me to say since it is my father, but to hell with that! I've had so much abuse from this man, physically and verbally. I've been yelled at because I care about my dogs health, I got yelled at because I was right and he knew it, I got yelled at for cutting my hair a little shorter than I usually cut it, I got yelled at for so much stupid and irrelevant things because I can speak up for myself and that I'm not skinny or athletic as my sister.

    But thats not the worst part. During one fight I confronted my problems to my father, which ended up me losing my cool. I yelled and told him how his abuse made me want to kill myself. Of course you would expect him to worry about me and relieve himself of his horrid ways, right? No. He said I should die then. Just do it. That was where I lost every shred of love or respect I had for him. I don't care whether you say he regretted it or he'll say sorry, because he won't and he didn't. I never told my mother about this nor did I tell anyone else. Last time I called the police and told my mother he became a savage beast. He threw me out of the house beat my mother to a bloody pulp and then lied to the police. But this was two years ago. Now there are only small but still physical and verbal fights.

    I feel better to let this out. But honestly I was hesitant to press the post button...
  2. I went through this with my mum. >:/ The damage is hard to get past, but once you are out living on your own it DOES start to repair itself if you are actively trying to work through it. It took me a couple of years, and even now I still have some anxiety problems, but for the most part I am able to ignore all of the paranoia and do things without thinking people hate me, will yell at me, hit me, etc. O_O

    Just remember, there is nothing wrong with YOU. It's your dad. He's broken (be it trauma from his own past, mental issues of his own, etc) and he is unable to handle himself and have healthy relationships with people around him. None of it has anything to do with you, you are just unlucky enough to be there. :(

    So work hard to take care of yourself and move to a better place!
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  3. Hello!

    I'm glad you decided you felt comfortable enough to share this blurb of your life with us, a group of random internet strangers (albeit members of Iwaku, a fantastic community for writing).

    That said, I'm sorry you had to go through the experiences you did. I went through similar things with an abusive father who drank a lot. It's safe to say a lot of people can empathize with you, but that's not the point I'm trying to make. The point is, you're not alone. We're here for you in any way you need, if just to speak more or to go deeper into any moment in your past.

    The next thing I wanted to point out here is that, it is absolutely okay to feel however it is you're feeling! You are not stupid, feeling this was is not stupid. It doesn't sound stupid, or make you look stupid. These are your feelings, this is how you're feeling and responding, and it's okay.

    Nothing is wrong with mental illness. Nothing is wrong with having anxiety. I have awful anxiety myself! I don't expect everyone to fully understand, but I do understand myself that there's nothing wrong with having anxiety. It's awful that people go through the events that they do that may cause it, but it's not their fault. It hardly ever is.

    Good luck with dealing with your troubles and your demons. Like Diana said, work hard, and take care of yourself. If you need any help, you're only a post away.

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  4. That sounds like a really shitty situation, one that nobody should have to go through. I think Diana and Seiji's responses to the whole unfortunate thing in general said most of what I had in mind, so I'll just pick out a couple things to reply to.
    Nah, it doesn't sound stupid at all. Aside from Seiji's excellent point that it truly is not stupid to feel this way, it may or may not comfort you to know that this is a pretty common result of prolonged emotional and psychological abuse. Such extended aggressive negativity from an authority figure who's supposed to love and protect you leaves horrible emotional scars that can damage your self image and self esteem. It sort of natural to blame yourself for all the abuse, because if someone you care about is saying you're awful and wrong and so forth then it must be true. It's the same sort of shitty downward spiral you see happen to the victim of an abusive relationship.

    There is nothing wrong with you for reacting to all this bad shit this way. The blame all falls at your father's feet for behaving like that, which it seems you've already recognized. The only realistic way of getting past it is to get away from him and then going through the long and painful process of pulling yourself back together, so I highly recommend doing so as soon as you possibly can.
    I would say that's actually a very weak thing to say about him after what he's put you through, honestly.

    Family is about a lot more than blood; a real family is the people who'll have your back and support you no matter what, not the people who you happen to share a large amount of genetic code with. You know that saying "blood is thicker than water" that people like to throw around a lot? That's actually a bastardization of the original phrase, which I think is far better: the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. This means that those bonds you make by choice and deed are stronger than those made by an accident of birth.

    Love and respect are not rights, they are earned privileges. If anyone at all treats you like shit, be they your blood relations or not, they lose the privilege of being loved and respected by you. The only "obligation" you have to care about your father is a simple social norm, and those are easily dismissed. Never feel bad about lacking respect, care, or love for your father after what he has done. Aside from the overall abusive bullshit, the guy straight up said that you should die because you dislike the awful way he treats you. Fuck that. That's not the kind of thing you'd ever say to someone you love or respect or care about, and if he lacks those feelings toward you he absolutely does not deserve them from you.
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