R
Rambunctious
Guest
Original poster
I wasn't certain about the title, so I apologize for that and I also apologize for anyone who have felt, I suppose insulted or annoyed by this rant (I'm just sorry in general). My writing is rather informal for this one since I'm writing profusely without looking back.
Lets start from where it all began. When I was born I had no disorders, I was a healthy child, physically and mentally. Well, now I question my mental health. During my childhood and today my father would constantly bash on me for being unintelligent, paunchy, or just being cantankerous. This has taken a large toll on my self-esteem and confidence. It has become difficult for me to do something without worrying about the outcome, my heartbeat going quickly whenever I shoot at a target worrying that I won't hit it, wearing shorts or sleeveless shirts without feeling as if everybody is whispering about my large arms or thighs, if I respond to a role-play or make a character form I worry that I did something wrong, or the constant worry about stuttering if I speak out loud in class and it'll come out horrendous. There is so much I worry about. I'm well-aware how stupid this sounds and how I should just get over what people think about me, but I CAN'T. I can't stop being anxious about everything! I've heard all the inspiring quotes, read all the life-changing stories about insecure people, everything! They don't change a thing about how I feel.
Why did this happen? My father, that's what happened. I know I should love my father and respect him since he has taken care of me but I can't. I can't find myself caring about my father. I understand that is strong for me to say since it is my father, but to hell with that! I've had so much abuse from this man, physically and verbally. I've been yelled at because I care about my dogs health, I got yelled at because I was right and he knew it, I got yelled at for cutting my hair a little shorter than I usually cut it, I got yelled at for so much stupid and irrelevant things because I can speak up for myself and that I'm not skinny or athletic as my sister.
But thats not the worst part. During one fight I confronted my problems to my father, which ended up me losing my cool. I yelled and told him how his abuse made me want to kill myself. Of course you would expect him to worry about me and relieve himself of his horrid ways, right? No. He said I should die then. Just do it. That was where I lost every shred of love or respect I had for him. I don't care whether you say he regretted it or he'll say sorry, because he won't and he didn't. I never told my mother about this nor did I tell anyone else. Last time I called the police and told my mother he became a savage beast. He threw me out of the house beat my mother to a bloody pulp and then lied to the police. But this was two years ago. Now there are only small but still physical and verbal fights.
I feel better to let this out. But honestly I was hesitant to press the post button...
Lets start from where it all began. When I was born I had no disorders, I was a healthy child, physically and mentally. Well, now I question my mental health. During my childhood and today my father would constantly bash on me for being unintelligent, paunchy, or just being cantankerous. This has taken a large toll on my self-esteem and confidence. It has become difficult for me to do something without worrying about the outcome, my heartbeat going quickly whenever I shoot at a target worrying that I won't hit it, wearing shorts or sleeveless shirts without feeling as if everybody is whispering about my large arms or thighs, if I respond to a role-play or make a character form I worry that I did something wrong, or the constant worry about stuttering if I speak out loud in class and it'll come out horrendous. There is so much I worry about. I'm well-aware how stupid this sounds and how I should just get over what people think about me, but I CAN'T. I can't stop being anxious about everything! I've heard all the inspiring quotes, read all the life-changing stories about insecure people, everything! They don't change a thing about how I feel.
Why did this happen? My father, that's what happened. I know I should love my father and respect him since he has taken care of me but I can't. I can't find myself caring about my father. I understand that is strong for me to say since it is my father, but to hell with that! I've had so much abuse from this man, physically and verbally. I've been yelled at because I care about my dogs health, I got yelled at because I was right and he knew it, I got yelled at for cutting my hair a little shorter than I usually cut it, I got yelled at for so much stupid and irrelevant things because I can speak up for myself and that I'm not skinny or athletic as my sister.
But thats not the worst part. During one fight I confronted my problems to my father, which ended up me losing my cool. I yelled and told him how his abuse made me want to kill myself. Of course you would expect him to worry about me and relieve himself of his horrid ways, right? No. He said I should die then. Just do it. That was where I lost every shred of love or respect I had for him. I don't care whether you say he regretted it or he'll say sorry, because he won't and he didn't. I never told my mother about this nor did I tell anyone else. Last time I called the police and told my mother he became a savage beast. He threw me out of the house beat my mother to a bloody pulp and then lied to the police. But this was two years ago. Now there are only small but still physical and verbal fights.
I feel better to let this out. But honestly I was hesitant to press the post button...
